Gangstaland: Scene 1

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Commencing the Winter Serialisation
Of the Conchordia Folio


SCENE 1: City’s Pad, Leith

 City is racking up a line of coke. The buzzer rings.

City
Who’s that then?

Lily
{intercom}
Babe, its Lily

City
Nice one – come up

City buzzes Lily in, goes to finish the line of coke, then goes to open the door. Enter Lily & Nelson.

City
{upset}
Lily

Lily
There, there honey, whats up

City
Its daddy – he’s broken Larry the Axe’s legs

Lily
So the wedding’s off

City
Of course it is – I’m hobbling down the aisle with no man, for no man – who’s this

Lily
He’s with me

City
Does he have a name?

Nelson
Hello Felicity, I’m Nelson, nice to meet you

City
Ooo –such strong hands – where’ve you been hiding this one, Lily, he’s gorgeous

Lily
We’ve only just met, but its going really well

City
Really… by the way, Nelson, do call me City – you know, some cities never sleep, I can keep going all night, if you know what I mean

Buzzer goes

City
Aw fuck

Lily
Who’s that?

City
I think it’s my dad

Don
{intercom}
Lemme in City, theres a good girl

City
I don’t want to see you

Lily
What ya doing, nobody says no to the Don not even his precious daughter

City
Ya right – sorry dad, do come up

Don
{intercom}
Cheers treacle

City
Fuck’s sake

Lily
I warned you about Larry the Axe, didn’t I – I told you your dad couldn’t stand him

Enter Don with Archie, Charlie & Bulldog


DIAMOND GEEZERS

Don
I’m one of the Diamond boys, I’m one of the diamond geezers
I had a transit full of toys & a bedsit full of freezers
But that was when I was starting out now my disco’s gone upmarket
I’ve got me an Austin Martin & a Kosovan to park it

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City & Lily
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Charlie
What’s that, you can’t pay up
You’re having a laugh, aintcha
The Don will not be happy
Well, Concrete Feet Petes in on Tuesday
If you haven’t clear the debt by then,
Let’s say you want be needing yer speedos

Don
So I turned my toys into drugs & I filled my outhouse with fridges
Then I opened a couple of clubs & I filled my warehouse with ravers
Cos clubs means money & money means power & that’s the power of prayer
I got a condo in the country & a villa in Marbella

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
They’re a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Archie
Three pills for a tenner
You’re having a life, aintcha
I’ve got a wife & three kids to support
Awight, awight, awight
But I’m cutting my own throat here
Here’s my number

Don
Well I’m one one of the diamond boys, men call me a diamond geezer
I might act tough but Im soft in the middle & I melt like a big malteser

All
He might act tough but he’s soft in the middle & he melts like a big malteser

Archie
So whats the meaning of life

Lily
Whats the key to your story

Don
Don’t marry a mental wife, smoke heroin or vote tory
& don’t end up like the Krays, killing guys in a public bar
& every couple of days send some jellied eels to your grandpa

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
What a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

 


Don
Why are you ignoring my calls, Felicity, what is the problem

Lily
Don, how could you do what you did to Larry the Axe

Don
I dont give a flying fack wot you fink Lillian, that imbecile was definitely not right for my baby girl

City
I tell you who’s not right – YOU! – you’re not right in the head!

Don
I did not like the way that little toerag was sleazing all over ya – he had hands like an octopus

City
But he’s my fiance

Don
He was your fiance

City
I wish we never moved to Scotland – that’s the third one you’ve nobbled this year…

Don
It’s them Jocks lav, I aint met one yet good enough for my princess – just wait & see, one day a nice English fella’s gonna sweep you off your feet

City
{checks out Nelson}
Maybe… but some of the Scots are alright Dad… Sound geezers

Don
That may be so, but we wont be here long, Felicity, we’re not stoppin… no offence, Charlie

Charlie
None taken

Archie
Dad’s right, sis, as soon as he smoothes it over with the Robson brothers, we’ll be back in the manor before you know it

City
I don’t know why we never went to Marbella

Don
You know very well the Spanish authorities were sniffing abaht all over the gaff looking for taxes – It’s too hot out there at the moment

City
Well, its fucking freezing in Leith – you’ve condemned me to a life of pointelle vests
{optional line for Scottish actress}
& I cannae stop blethering in this daft accent

Lily
Don, come on, I respect you & everything, but can’t you see she’s upset – this is not a good time

Girls cuddle up

Nelson
Maybe you should go, mate

Don
Who the fuck are you?

Lily
This is Nelson, he’s my new boyfriend

Don
Nelson, eh… well I like the cut of your gib, son – I’ve never met anyone with the balls to tell me to fack off before – where ya from kid

Nelson
Peebles

Don
Peebles, where the fuck’s Peebles! Nevemind, they me call the Don, & any friend of Lily’s is a friend of mine, & if you’re a friend of mine you’ll be safe around Leith, alright

Nelson
Very nice to meet you sir

Lily
Don is one of the biggest gangsters
<Don coughs>
I mean one of the biggest businessmen in Edinburgh

Don
That’s right – I was once like you Nelson, a complete fucking scumbag, but now, well, let’s just say I’m socially mobile, so whadda you do

Nelson
What, like working

Don
Yeah

Nelson
I’ve just quit my job actually – I was working in a shitty factory

Don
Do you want to do a job for me?

Nelson
What?

Don
I’ll pay you a decent wdge

Nelson
What does it involve?

Don
Well — basically, one of my business associates has just had an unfortunate mishap with a sledgehammer
(City wails)
Problem is, he was due to run a little errand – all my other boys are tied up at the moment

Nelson
What exactly will I have to do

Don
Its simples, you just fly over to Italy for a couple of days

Nelson
Italy

Don
Yeah, Italy… you fly over there, give someone a package from me, & fly back home, simples

Nelson
I’m not a mule, Don, I’m not running drugs

Don
Nah, nah, nah, nah – its nothing like that, basically I need to be able to hand deliver something – something close to my heart – a token of my sincerity – it’s a traditonal trust motif between businessmen

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Nelson
Well, I suppose that doesn’t sound too bad – & Italy, I’ve always wanted to go Italy

Don
Yeah, a little holiday in the sun, you’ll love it – can you leave this this evening?

Nelson
That’s a bit soon innit

Don
You got a problem with that

Lily
You can’t really say no Nelson

Nelson
I can’t

Archie, Charlie & Bulldog
We wouldn’t advise it

Nelson
Well, in that case, I guess I’m off to Italy, woo-hoo

Don
Good choice, boy, good choice – this is my son, Archie, he’ll sort out the package for ya

Archie
Come with me

Nelson
Right
{to Lily}
Well, I guess I’ll see you later, babe

Lily
You’ll be fine – bring us back a nice handbag or something

Lily & Nelson embrace

City
Nice to meet you hamdsome

Nelson
You too Felicity

Archie
Oi! Bawbag, hurry up

Nelson
Alright, alright, I’m coming

Exit Nelson & Archie

Don
Everyone quiet a minute
{on the phone}
Hello, Mr Vito, is that you, nice one – Listen, I’m sending someone over someone different tonight, look after him will ya – yeah, yeah, he-ll have it – you too Mr Vito –bye, bye, yeah, yeah, ciao, ciao

City
Right, all of you out

Lily
You heard her boys, off you trot

Don
Alright, alright – Charlie!
{Charlie offers City a grand in cash}
This is to say I’m sorry about Larry the Axe… theres a couple of grand there – buy yourself something nice or something

City
I don’t want your dirty drugs money, dad. I want Larry the Axe

Archie
Come on, dad, she’ll calm down later

Don
Alright boys, lets go

Exit the men, Lily comforts an emotional City


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

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Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

 

 

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