Gangstaland: Scene 5


PART 3 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 5: City’s Pad

City is at home, alone, chopping out a line of coke / the intercom buzzes

City
Who’s that?

Nelson
Alright City, its Nelson

City
Nelson? Do come up

Enter Nelson wearing an Italian hand-bag

Nelson
How’s it going

City floors Nelson with a handy mallet

Nelson
What the fuck? Come on City, back off

After a tussle Nelson wrestles an agitated City to the floor

Nelson
Have you gone mental or what!?

City
How dare you… how could ya… why, why would ya

Nelson
What ya on about… I’ve done nothing

City
Naffink… how about setting my dad up with them murderous Wops

Nelson
Wops? What… Don Vito

City
Yeah, that’s the prick

Nelson
Nah… not Don Vito… he’s a disco-dancing gangster

City
Well, this diamond geezer o’ yours has just killed my little brother

Nelson
Whoa! Archie’s dead

City
Yep

Nelson
Chill out City! Look me in the eyes – do you think I would honestly get involved in something like that – I’m gonna stand up now… the bats over there… if you don’t believe me, use it!

City
It’s not a bat, it’s a mallet you muppet!

Nelson lets City go / she grabs mallet then pauses

Nelson
You gonna tell me whats going on?

City
Because of my mate Lily you got the best job in mi dad’s organisation, his fucking liason officer, swanning off round the friggin world, all expenses paid, & all you could do is betray our trust

Nelson
What are you on about – what exactly happened to Archie?

City
Well, Charlie & Archie were dahn the docks meeting your so-called mates – anyway, those fackin Wops decide to shoot everyone up & do a runner with the reddies & all the fucking coke

Nelson
Shit! I don’t know what to say… Don Vito seemed on the level

City
So, you really knew nothing about it

Nelson
Too fuckin right I knew nothing about it – I thought those Mafia boys were sound, tho’ – I wouldn’t have put Don Vito down as the dodgy type

City
He’s a facking gangster, Nelson, of course he’s the facking dodgy type – in this game the only people you can really trust are your family – & I’ve just gone & lost the one I trusted most, my beautiful bravver

Nelson
This is so fucked up – this time last week I was at my work in Peebles – I’d never even seen Edinburgh, let alone been to Italy. But, there’s no chance I’m ever going back to Peebles, its shit. I have to stay in Edinburgh now, I gotta sort it out with the Don.

City
You’re ‘avin a fackin laugh aintcha, my dad would have you killed the moment he saw you -listen, its Archie’s funeral tomorrow, I’m all over the place, have a drink with me, Moet & Chandon, very expensive

Nelson
OK, why not, I think I need a drink

City pours him champagne

City
Cheers – let’s have a cheeky line as well
{City starts chopping out the lines}
You know, Lily’s a lucky girl, to find a guy like you, youre cute & clever… a proper lush combo

Nelson
Thanks, but speaking of Lily a minute – that’s why I’m here – where the fuck is she – she’s just vanished

City
Ask TC

Nelson
TC?

City
Yeah, she bolted to his the night it all kicked off… she was in a right old state – we had a wee chat, didn’t speak long, & I haven’t heard a tinkle from her since – she’s even off her facebook

Nelson
& her twitter, snapchat, messenger, instagram & her whats app – I’ve tried em all

City
Yep, very weird

Nelson
{getting up}
I’ve gotta go & find her

City
What’s the rush? Do you not fancy chilling for a bit, tell me all about your trip to Italy, I could do with the company

Nelson
I’d love too… you know I would… but I can’t…

City runs to the front door / locks it / Nelson laughs & walks to City

Nelson
Come on City, dont mess us about, give me them keys

City
{putting them down her bra}
Why dont you get em yerself

***

LETS GET IT ON

Nelson
Ya betta know ya business
Ya gotta twirl those girls around
Then you can swap yer missus
for the cutest girl in town
You gotta act all surreptitious
Gotta sneak in right behind
Lace her neck with kisses
That stuffs sure to blow her mind

City
I say get down eezy geezer
God I’d love to dance with you
You got the grooves & I got the moves
& one & one makes two
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They dance

Nelson
I love the way ya waltzing
Thro the funkstyle on the floor
Like a starving solzenhitsen
Waving scarves of semaphore
& I love the way yer hanging
Like a bird upon the air
I love yer smile, & I love yer style
& I’d love to smell your hair

City
So how about it baby
The call is up to you
I can make you feel your body’s real
Just how you’d like me to

Yes, two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

Nelson
Well you are so fucking tidy
& I know you know you are
Like a pornographic Heidi
In a silver jaguar
On a drive beside the ocean
On a balmy night in June
When the stars dance in devotion
To the music of the moon
Lets get it on
Lets get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They are just about to kiss when the Intercom buzzes

Nelson
Don’t answer it

City
It might be Lily

Nelson
In that case, definitely don’t answer it

City
Who’s that?

TC
Alright City, darlin, its TC, let us in

City
Hey TC come up

Nelson
How does he do that?

City
We’ll carry on where we left off later, right

Nelson
Ehm, about that, I think we got a bit carried away there – that coke of yours is pretty strong

City
That wasn’t the coke, Nelson, that was our chemistry

TC starts banging on the door

City
Hang on, hang on – shit where’s my keys, I can’t find them

Nelson
I think they’re down, ehm

City
Oh, yeah

City opens the door

TC
Alright City, hey Nelson, what the fuck are you doing here?

Nelson
I just got off the plane

TC
If I were you I’d jump on the first flight back – you do know you are a dead man walking

Nelson
So I’ve heard – but listen man, honesty, I never knew those Mafia Boys were dodgy

TC
Of course you didn’t, mate, you’re too fucking stupid to pull a heist that slick – but there’s blood on somebody’s hands & unfortunately, your fingerprints are all over the shooter – say, is that a little changa I see before me

City
Help yourself

TC
Sound

Nelson
Yo TC, have you seen Lily

TC
Lend us a card

Nelson
{getting out his bank card}
Where is she

TC
How do I know?

Nelson
Yer a good guy TC, but sometimes yer go too far with that funny shit…

City
He knows where she is

TC
Alright, alright…she’s staying with me, but she wont be in tonight, though, she’s off to Glasgow… says she’ll be back tomorrow

Nelson
What’s she doing in Glasgow

TC
{snorting coke}
She never said

Intercom buzzes

City
Fuck’s sake – who’s that?

Charlie
Let us in Felicity

City
Shit – its Charlie

Nelson
Well tell him you’re not in or summat

City
It’s a bit late for that – what do you want Charlie

Charlie
Its yer dad’s business

City
Hang on a minute, let me just get dress’d – what do I do

TC
I don’t know about you, but he needs to get out of her pronto

City
The kitchen window leads out back

TC
Nice one… Nelson come on, we’re outta here

City
Where ya going

TC
We’ll be down the Bongo Club, Erb & Ting are on

Nelson & TC leave / buzzer still going

City
Awright keep yer hair on… in yer trot

Enter Bulldog & Charlie

Charlie
Where is he?

City
Who?

Charlie
Don’t take the piss… I know Nelson’s back in Leith & odds on he’s been here…

City
Aint seen him

Charlie
Whats all this then? Looks like you’ve had company – Bulldog, have a look around

City
One of mi girlfriends popped round for a glass of wine & a couple of lines – she left five minutes ago – anyway, how dare ya burst into my house & start shoutin yer maath off… wait til my dad hears about this

Charlie
{picking up bank card}
Yeah, wait til he hears about this – what Nelson’s fuckin bank card – tell me where he is & we’ll say no more about it

Bulldog
‘E’s not here boss

Charlie
Any ideas?

Bulldog
He could be with TC

Charlie
Of course, what am I thinking – shite attracts shite dunnit, & the pair of them act like a couple of fackin buffters

Bulldog
There’s a rave down the Bongo tonight boss

Charlie
Yeah, yeah, that’s where they’ll be alright

City
Nah, nah, TC’s left town for a few days, & Nelson’s gone back to Peebles, he says, to see his gran, she’s ill or summat

Charlie
Lyin bitch – if you weren’t his daughter, I swear…

City
Well I am… so, what that fuck ya gonna do about it, big man

Charlie
A headfuck without the bodyfuck… whats the point

Bulldog
Lifes a bitch then yer marry one boss

Charlie
Exactly, now come on, let’s get down the Bongo

Exit Charlie & Bulldog


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

35062508_10156430365647520_5136386788406853632_n.jpg

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

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