Gangstaland: Scenes 10-11


PART 3 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 10: TC’s House

It is morning / a scene of party carnage / everyone is flaked out – a few snores / City is cuddling Nelson / enter Lily

Lily
{coughing}
What’s all this then

TC
Eehh!

City
Alright Lily babe

Lily
Alright babe, glad to see you’ve been getting to know my Nelson – Nelson – wake up – NELSON!!!

Nelson
Wha-wha-wha-wha… Lily – woah – so nice to see you

Lily
Well it’s certainly not nice to see you – look at the state of ya – & this place, its trashed – & who the fuck are these two

Laura
Laura

Maria
Maria

Lily
I can’t believe you lot have been partying at a time like this

TC
We got a bit carried away last night – emotions were running high, getting the better of us – sorry & all that – hey ladies, why don’t we go & get some coffee in the kitchen – leave these two alone

Maria
Certo

Laura
He is a very good boy your Nelson, he has a voice like an angel

Nelson
Thanks

Lily gives Laura & Nelson the look of doom

City
I can’t stay, its Archie’s funeral’s in a few hours, I’ll need to freshen up

TC
{hugging}
Alright City, take care… good luck today, yeah

City
Thanks – you’re coming down right

TC
Of course I’ll be there… come on girls

Exit TC, Laura & Maria

City
Take care Nelson, it’s been fun… Lily

Nelson
Bye

Exit City – Lily gives her a look of doom too

Lily
So, tell me, what exactly has been fun

Nelson
We were just hangin out, babe, no funny business or nothing – a wee sing-song here, a wee glass of bubbly there, it was fun

Lily
Yeah, it’s all fun & games with you innit, people are dying, dont you understand?

Nelson
Do you know whats going on, cos I fucking don’t, I still cant get my head around those Tallies killing Archie, then going awol with all the money & drugs – those lassies you just met, they’re in town trying to track the Tallies down n’all

Lily
Makes sense

Nelson
What does

Lily
I’ll tell ya exactly what happened that night shall I

Nelson
I didn’t know those Mafia boys were bad apples… they seemed legit

Lily
They are legit, it’s all Charlie Boy’s doin

Nelson
Charlie?

Lily
Yeah – he’s a dirty double-crossin d**k

Nelson
How do you know that

Lily
Well, I wanted some coke didn’t I – so I rings up Archie didn’t I… he tells me to meet him down the docks, theres a supply fresh off the boat he says – I’m like great, some decent cut before Charlie gets his grubby hands on it – so I pulls up outside this lock-up, yeah, & I see these two guys, Meditteranean types

Nelson
Tallies?

Lily
Yeah, probably, slick lookin fellas – anyway, they go inside & all of a sudden I hear gunshots – a minute later Charlie dumps two dead Italians in his boot & slams a bleedin’ Archie in the front. I gets out of my car & runs over to see if I can help – suddenly Charlie turns on me & starts taking potshots. One whizzed right by my fuckin head – I was lucky to survive.

Nelson
Fuck! He must have gone crazy or summat

Lily
No shit Sherlock – now listen to this

{Charlie’s Voice Message}
Hello Lily, still on Restalrig are ya? Get the kettle on love, I’m only round the corner

Lily
Theres another one – ten minutes later – he must have been round my pad

{Charlie’s Voice Message}
Seems like you’ve flown the coup little birdy – well… I suggest you stay away cos if you start flappin about round here and singin my name … well lets just say that’ll be the last time the world hears your pretty voice

Nelson
So, Charlie’s been spinning everyone a bullshit sob story

Lily
Yep – fake news

Nelson
He must have even shot himself in the arm, the mad fucka

Lily
Charlie by name, Charlie by nature, he’s evil on that stuff

Nelson
Come here babe, I promise I’ll protect yer, hes gonna have to come through me to get to you

Lily
That’s what I’m worried about

***

TROUBLE

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but I’ve got to find a way
So I can say when all those chips were down I pushed em all all in
I might seem unruffled with a heart that’s turned to stone
But I swear I don’t wanna bear my problems all alone

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Oh, my days, I spend them waiting, hesitating
O my days

Nelson
When you feel down
You gotta lift up your soul
Find peace with what ya doing
See the wonder of it all
You gotta hear the sound
The sound of your true call
There’s a new dawn every morning
& the future starts right now
Your destiny is forming
& your dreams will show you how

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but theres got to be a day
When we can say all our troubles have been buried in the sea
If we help one another thro this crisis of our lives
We can save one another while this love of ours survives

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Lily & Nelson
Oh, my days, I spend them waiting hesitating
O my days

***

Nelson
{Getting his phone out}
I’ve gotta tell the Don what’s going on

Lily
Woaah, Woah, Woah! He won’t believe ya over the phone, will he – he’ll think yer stirring. Ya gotta tell him face to face

Nelson
Face to face – I’ll be dead before I open my mouth

Lily
It’s the only way – you are going to the funeral

Nelson
Whose, Archie’s or mine

Lily
We’ve got no choice, the longer we leave it the more time Charlie has to nab us

Nelson
Fuck!

Lily
Look, there’s a charity shop round the corner, lets get you some decent formal clobber, you cant go to a funeral looking like that… Get your shoes on, I’ll meet you in the kitchen

Exit Lily

Nelson
{getting shoes on}
Go to the Big City, Brenda says, it’ll make a man of ya – there’s a bus leaving in five minutes, she says, get yourself on it – fer fucks sake

Exit Nelson


Scene 11: Leith Walk

 Malik’s Cafe / Bulldog & Charlie are sat at a table – Charlie is on the phone

Charlie
You’ve done what – the pair of them – what for – well, I dont blame ya, that little shit Matty Grooves has had it coming to him for a long time – so what’s the mess like – well, its gonna cost ya – a thorough clean-up operation will be five grand – the equipment is very expensive – well, we’re a bit busy this morning, but we can get out to you about two – alright – make sure youve got the cash waiting or else we’ll be walking straight out the door – without the bodies

Malik brings the breakfasts out

Malik
Here you go lads, on the house

Charlie
Thank you very much Malik, very gracious of you, a nice full Scottish breakfast, just what the doctor ordered

Bulldog
Nice one – but thats not a Scottish breakfast boss

Charlie
Course it is

Bulldog
Actually – it’s not – now take this tea here… it’s from India… that bacon yer about to stuff down yer neck…
<Charlie freezes with his fork>
That’s Danish… the toast is French
<Charlie pushes toast away>
The sausage is German…
<Charlie drops fork>
& the baked beans, well, they’re an American invention…
<Charlie gives up on breakfast & folds his arms>

Bulldog
You don’t want that boss

Charlie
Nah -you ave it… aint ‘ungry

Bulldog
So, what nah?

Charlie
To tell yer the truth I fink Nelson has slipped us an old Harry Houdini – besides, the funeral starts soon – we’d best be showing our face – finish yer breakfast sharpish – but no more beans, I dinnae want yer fartin in the car

Bulldog
I’ll just take some with me – hey Malik, you don’t have a doggy bag do ya

Malik stares at Bulldog in silence / Bulldog puts sausage & bacon in his pocket / drains mug of tea / Gangsters start to leave / Don Vito, Antonio & Lucas enter / there is a silent testosterone showdown at the door / Exit Gangsters

Malik
Don Vito! Don Vito! It is an honour to have you here in my restaurant

Don Vito
Si, si, si…. do you have the merchandise

Malik
Of course Mr Vito, can I get you a drink in the meantime – on the house of course – coffee, beer, anything

Don Vito
Just give me the fuckin guns

Malik
No problem, as long as yer don’t use em on me alright, ha-ha…so, its two grand each for ya shootahs & a hundred nicker for yer ammo

He opens a case full of Uzis

Don Vito
These are Uzis… I aska for the shotguns… with an Uzi there is not enough… how you say… pain!

Malik
It’s all I could do at such short notice Mister Vito

Don Vito
Okey-dokey – I take them

Malik
Good choice, good choice, you won’t regret it
{his phone rings}
Excuse me Mr Vito – Oi fuck off… I’ll call you later
{ends call}
Every fucker wants gans… all I ever hear… gans, gans, gans, gans, gans! Leith’s gone gun fucking mental

Don Vito
Antonio

Antonio gives Malik a load of cash / Malik begins to count it out

Don Vito
You need not count it… there is more than enough

Malik
If you say so Mr Vito

Don Vito
{sniffing gun}
I do – now we are ready – ready for revenge

***

FAFFAN CULO

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
Pick up yer tool, Ya’ll
Goin’ ter meet my friends
We’re comin to make amends
& when we get back to Rome
We’ll tell the family
The problem is history
Hey-Hey-Hey

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
The Don is a goner
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
We’ll take yer to school y’all
Learn our philosophy
No one is the boss o me
& keeping corragio
Cos we are the mafia
We’ve come to look after ya
You won’t be needin a gun
We’ve already got you one
Hey-Hey-Hey

Antonio & Lucas
What means more than King & Country
Going to war, fighting for your family
There might be mud, there might be slaughter
But then your blood is thicker than water

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
The Don is a goner
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay

***

Don Vito
Andiamo! Andiamo

Malik
Andy who?

Exit Mafia Boys


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

35062508_10156430365647520_5136386788406853632_n.jpg

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

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