Gangstaland: Scene 12


PART 3 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 12: Rosebank Cemetery

A priest, Don, City, Charlie, Larry the Axe (in a wheelchair) & Bulldog are chatting over Archie’s grave / The General & Brenda arrive

Don
General, thanks for coming

General
We wanted to pay our respects Don

Don
Means a lot, means a lot… welcome to Edinburgh Brenda, I’m sorry we couldn’t have met under better circumstances

Brenda nods & walks off with the General to join Charlie & Bulldog / City leaves the priest and walks over to Don, who is chatting to Larry the Axe

City
How are you coping dad?

Don
I’m awight baby doll… but yer bravver… he had the world at his feet he did… if I ever saw the greasy Wops wot dun it

City
Shhh! Daddy… not today… for Archie’s sake… we gotta be strong

Don
Yer right love… be… strong

Charlie & Bulldog walk over to the Don

Charlie
My upmost sympathies Don, he was a lovely boy

Don
Thank you… I appreciate ya comin Charlie… & you Bulldog

Bulldog
Had to be here boss

The Don
It makes yer proud to be a gangster, dunnit… the whole of the Edinburgh underworld has sent my boy a wreath…. here’s one off Percy the Knife & there’s another off Concrete Feet Pete. Even Jimmy No Fingers has sent one – he got his missus to write it obviously… I mean, he had a nasty to-do with Larry the Axe

Larry the Axe
Nasty… very nasty

Sicilian guitar music / enter Don Vito, Antonio & Lucas / Gangsters freeze as if to say ‘Who the fuck is that,’ then gather around the Don / Italians take three paces forwards & stop

Don Vito
Salve, Donaldo – I am a Don Vito… you keel-a my son… no?

Italians take three paces

Don
Ah, Don Vito… you killed my son… no?

Gangsters take three paces

Don Vito
No, Donaldo…you keel a mah son …si?! And now I must a keel you… no?

Italians take three paces / now the Don stands face to face with Don Vito / All henchmen draw guns

Don
{with Italian accent, trying to ‘communicate’}
No…no…no…Don Vito…you… keela… my… sonna… See?…now I keelah you No?

Don Vito
Now you eensult me

Don Vito spits on the Don & the Italians guns go click / Don looks at spit then Don Vito

Don
Gob on my fackin funeral suit widja?
{Gangster’s guns click – Don brings out bazooka}
You’re outgunned sonnyboy – Waltz in ‘ere takin all kind ov liberties wiv my patience…dintcha… well… cam on in… make yer fackin selves at home… cos this ‘ere cemetery is where you’re stayin

Enter Lily & Nelson, Laura & Maria

Lily
NOOooo!! Don’t shoot…

All gangsters turn to face Lily – guns remain pointing at each other

Don & Don Vito
{in unison}
Nelson!

All guns point at Nelson / Lily jumps in front of him

Lily
If you shoot him… you shoot me…

Don
I don’t have a problem with that

City
{joining Lily}
& me, dad

Lily
Nelson ain’t done anything… it was all… it was all… it was all Charlie, it was him who did for Archie, & the Iti boys, n’all – he killed them all

Laura & Felicity are telling the same story to Don Vito in Italian

Don
Charlie?

Charlie
Are you trippin love! Don’t listen to them Don, they’ve been up all night… raving… dont know their arses from their elbows boss

Don
Can everybody lower their guns… remember where you are… Don Vito, do you mind

Don Vito
{gesturing to his men to lower their guns}
No – I would like-a to hear-a da more

Don
Come on then, Charlie, whats all this about… cos I for one am a little bit confused

Charlie
They’ve absolutely lost it boss, too many pills, they’re off their faces

Don
But not too smashed too talk… Nelson, what have you got to say about all this

Nelson
It’s true man… Charlie set me up, he killed Archie, the Itis, he’s got all your coke Mr Vito, & all your cash, Don, that wound on his arm he gave to himself

Charlie
Woah… woh… woh… hang on… are you seriously saying I shot myself in the fuckin arm… what ya on aboot ya tool – I nearly died down them docks… it was a deadly ambush

City
Dad, just look at him – he’s got guilty cunt written all over his face

Charlie
Shut up you tart

Don
Hold it there me old! May I remind you that’s my little girl yer gobbin at… & at my boys funeral n’all…

Lily
{passing him her mobile}
Listen to this Don

Don listens to the message

Don
Charlie, I want a simple answer to a simple fucking question – I’ll ask you once, & once only… Did you kill my son?

Charlie
No boss… course I didnae… it was them fackin Wops

Don
Then how come they’re over here wantin to know what happened to their boys?

Lily
You’ve been rumbled Charlie, you murdering bastard

Charlie panics & shoots his gun / it just clicks

Don
Well! Well! Well! What have we here?

Charlie
{looking at the gun}
What the fuck!?

Bulldog
I swapped the clips in the car, Charlie, you’ve facking lost it, mate

Don
Bulldog, take him aht!

Bulldog floors Charlie with one punch – a clean KO

Bulldog
Still got it boss, aint I…

Don
Yer never lost it, son… I’ll take over from here

Laura & Maria start hitting on Bulldog / The Don stands over a KO’d Charlie / starts slapping him hard

Don
Wake up…. fucking wake up you trollop…

Charlie
What the… get off me!

Don
Good morning sunshine – nah I ain’t killed a man in … ooo… seven years… but fer you son, I’m coming out of retirement… Bulldog… fetch me my secateurs… I’m gonna prune this pansy

Charlie
I’m beggin ya, have mercy…that coke’s fucked me up… I didnae ken what I was doin…

Don
Yes you fuckin did – so, seeing as you took the crown jewel away from my family, I’m gonna take away your family jewels… get me… Bulldog

Bulldog passes secateurs…

Charlie
Don’t do it Don…. Please, I’m begging ya… NO!

Don snips – there is a scream / Don gives Don Vito the secateurs

Don
Didn’t want you to miss out on the fun Mista Vito…. Perhaps you’d like to have the other one… For ya son

Don Vito
Yes… I think I like-a dis plan

Charlie
NO!

Don Vito snips – there is a scream

Don
Get him out of here, we’ll deal with the rest of him later, find out what happened to our boys Mr Vito

Charlie carried away / City approaches Don Vito

City
Are you not gonna introduce us

Don
Sorry, Mr Vito, this is…

City
…Felicity, & absolute pleasure to meet you

Don Vito
{kissing City’s hand}
Piaceri

City
Tell me, is there a Mrs Vito

Don Vito
Purtroppo, there is no more-a Signora Vito – she died in a freak yachting accident off Calabria

Don
That is very sad, Mr Vito, y’know, I lost my own wife in accident

Don Vito
You did

Don
Yeah, she fell out of a big dipper on Southend Pier

City
I am so sorry to hear your loss Mr Vito – but, I’m available

Don Vito
Comme?

City
Why dont we two get married, form an alliance between our families

Don
City?

Don Vito
Hmmm – it is true you are a very beautiful woman

City
Thank you Mr Vito, you’re not so bad yourself – & I do know all about the business, I’ve been watching my daddy since I was a baby girl

Don Vito
Your daddy… Donaldo?

City
Yeah, this sugarlump of loveliness is my daddy

DV
Your sugar daddy?

City
No my real daddy!

Don Vito
Brava! In this case, I accept your proposal, we shall-a get married & we all make-a, how you say, fuck loads of money, si?

Don
Hang on a minute….

City
Daddy…

Don
Alright, alright, alright, you can marry Mr Vito, you’ve both got my blessing

Don Vito
Meriviglosa!

FUNKABILITY
reprise

Laura
Have you seen Don Vito
Slick as Liberace

Maria
He always wears the coolest clothes
Armani, Versace

Antonio
They call him Mr Dandy

Lucas
He’s the coolest cat in town

Don Vito
& when I’m feeling randy
I get all the girls around
Who say

Maria, Laura, City, Lily & Brenda
Hey, Don Vito, where did you get those trousers from?

All
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability

City
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you marry me
Why don’t you show me some of your sensuality

Don Vito
& my sexuality

Don
Welcome to the family

All
{musical number finish}
Alright!


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

35062508_10156430365647520_5136386788406853632_n.jpg

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

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