No Nay Never: Scenes 1-2

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PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 1: Burnley

Barry emerges from his mum’s house, she hands him his ‘bait’ in a lunchbox

SEVEN FIFTY

Barry
Catch the seven-fifty in the morning for my shift,
Don’t wanna be late
Its fucking Monday morning & this is the day
That I just hate

Pack’d to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…

Subscene: Barry working in a factory

Time is seven-fifty near the end of my shift
Need a spliff mate
I’ve roll’d up a reefer, I’m coming to see ya
It’ll be great

Packed to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..

Subscene: Peanut’s house – Peanut & Mojo come in from work & start rolling a joint

Peanut
I’m a work all week so patient
Lookin out for my main man
Try to get out straighten’d
Cocktail combinations
Recall the sensation
Every situation
Buzzin the vibration
Downtime
Seven-Fifty…..

{Enter Barry}

Mojo
Give me seven-fifty & I’ll sell you a share
You’re my shipmate
I’ve skinn’d up a reefer
I’ve something to teach ya
It’ll be great

Mojo, Peanut, Barry
Packed to the hilt, break down, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..

Peanut
Grind it, refine it
Gonna lick them skins & light it
Roll it & mould it
Light it up, control it
Inhale it & hold it
Indica unfolding
& reach up,
I’m floating, I’m floating

Seven-Fifty…(I’m floating, I’m floating, I’m…)


Peanut
That’s quality that is

Barry
What is it Peanut?

Mojo
Proper squidgy black, I prefer it myself

Barry
Tell me about it, green’s gone well expensive, & it pickles mi head n’all… how much on your teenth?

Peanut
Seven Fifty

Barry
Three teenths for twenty?

Peanut
Go on then

Mojo
Ta

Peanut starts weighing out the squidgy black

Peanut
I can’t believe its’ stag-do already

Barry
Yeah, one more day o’ work & we’ll be off to sunny Edinburgh

Mojo
Buzzin!

Peanut
So the missus has finally let you off the leash mate, I can’t remember last time you were out wi’ lads

Barry
To tell ya’ truth, I could have gone to the moon & she wouldn’t have noticed – shes obsessed with that bloody wedding

Mojo
I can’t believe we’re even going to Scotland in December – Benidorm’s alright in winter, it sometimes gets to twenty degrees

Barry
We go to Benidorm every July, Mojo – besides, there’s a Christmas market on in Edinburgh, I thought I’d buy Shazza a nice pricey gift

Peanut
I’ve never been to Scotland, me, I’m looking forward to it
{Passing joint}
Here you are Baz

Barry
Thank you very much… anways, there’s supposed to be some good clubs & that up there – we’re gonna cause some reyt carnage

Mojo
Course we fuckin’ are, we’re Burnley boys innit

Mojo, Barry, Peanut
We love you Burnley, we do
We love you Burnley, we do
We love you Burnley, we do
O Burnley we love you,
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}

Bertie Bee said to Bill Shankly,
Have you heard of the North Bank Highbury,
Shanks said no, I don’t think so,
But I’ve heard of the Longside Burnley,
Na Na Na Na (x3) We are the Longside Burnley

Enter Sharon carrying identical wedding paraphenelia in two colours

Sharon
Alright boys

Mojo & Peanut
Sharon

Peanut
Are you all reyt

Sharon
I’m fine thank-you, I hope you don’t mind me dropping in like this but I just wanted to ask Baz a tiny question

Barry
What is it now?

Sharon
I’m getting the feeling you don’t care about this wedding… My friend Penny says it is absolutely vital for the karmic balance of our future children to have fully colour-co-ordinated fen shui at the wedding – do you not care about your children

Barry
We don’t have any

Sharon
Not yet we don’t, but they’re gonna be so cute aren’t they, little Shabazzes running about all over the shop – anyway, red or blue

Barry
Eehm… red?

Sharon
Red!? Are you sure? I thought the blue was better – we’ll go with the blue – so are you coming or what

Barry
Where

Sharon
My place, I’m cooking you your tea, remember?

Barry
O yeah – but I’ve only just put my feet up, I’ve been on them all day, can I have five minutes

Sharon
No, mi potatoes are on, I’ve got’ car outside, lets go

Barry
Bloody hell – alright – see you tomorrow lads

Peanut
Can’t wait mate

Sharon
By the way, if I find out any of you two have led my Barry astray up Scotland, there’ll be all hell to pay

Mojo
Don’t fret Sharon, we’ll keep him out of harm’s way, promise, don’t worry about it

Sharon
You’d better bloody had do, right Baz lets go

Barry
Lads

Peanut & Mojo
Laters

Exit Barry & Sharon

Mojo
Shes proper mental ‘er

Peanut
They all are Mojo – fancy a bong

Mojo
Go on then


Scene 2: The Lily Pad, Leith

Lily is in the middle of giving City a make-over. She is at the intercom buzzing in Brenda & India.

Lily
Up you come, its the second floor, first on the left… I still can’t believe you’re marrying an Italian gangster

City
Me neither, but we just, y’know, click

Lily
So you’re nae bothered about the age difference, then?

City
Not at all – I prefer older men anyway, the geezers our age are all fingers and thumbs

Lily
Ooo! I love a bit of fingers & thumbs actually

City
You know what I mean… top my glass up will you

Enter India & Brenda

India
Are you pouring?

Lily
Sure am – hello Brenda

Brenda
Hiya… India invited me along, I hope you don’t mind

City
Course not

Brenda
I needed a night out… the General’s on a massive love mission at the moment – to be honest he’s doing in my coupon – I need a bit of girlie time

Lily
Well you’ve come to the right place lady, there’s no boys here

City
You’re more than welcome Brenda, help yourself to wine & nibbles

India
So City… how you’re doing, you must be nervous

City
I’m fine, the immediate prospect of moving to salubrious villa high over the hills of Rome is calming me down better than any camomile tea, if you know what I mean

India
I like your hair City

City
Thanks

Lily
I got it out of an old Smash Hits – she makes a good Siobhan Fahey, don’t you think girls

India
Very nice

Brenda
Who’s Siobhan Fahey

Lily
She’s in Banarama

City
It’s a hen party innit – but there’s only three in Bananarama Brenda, I’m afraid, but I’ve some pussycat ears & a black catsuit, you can borrow them if you like

Brenda
Why not?

City
I’ll go get ’em you

Exit City

Lily
So how about a bit of Bananrama to get the party started

Lily puts on ‘Venus’ & starts singing it – India & Brenda join in pulling some reyt moves – City returns with a cat suit, pussycat ears & two veils

City
Here you go Brenda, put these on, you’ll look well hot – so girls I need some help – which one of those two veils should I wear – I can’t decide which is the best colour –

India
Whats the difference

Lily
One’s offwhite & the other’s eggshell – can’t you tell

India
Well…

Brenda
Go with the eggshell

City
Yeah, I though that

Lily
You’re gonna look sooo gorgeous on your wedding day, City

India
True… but don’t get me wrong, it’s a hell of a lot of money to spend on a dress you’re only ever gonna wear the once, when all it does is end up being crumpled in a heap on your wedding night

India
I won’t be needing a dress at my wedding – I’ll be getting married naked in the woods

Brenda
{getting into catsuit}
I don’t think I’ll ever get married – I mean, making legal a whole world of hassle & quite frankly, the downright ridiculousness of living with a man

City
You can always mould a man to your personal taste, it just takes a bit of effort & time, but they’ll crack eventually, we women have the keys to paradise

Lily
To be honest, I don’t think there’ll be any moulding of Don Vito y’know – at his age he’s fully formed

India
Hey doll, have you & Don Vito, y’know…

City
Not yet… I’m saving myself for the wedding night, just after my dress gets crumpled up on the floor

Lily
Then she’ll be off to the races with her Italian stallion

Brenda
I find sex the first time with a new guy a freaky experience – I’m like does he think I’m fat – am I a bit stinky – y’know

India
If a man truly loves you, it doesn’t matter what you look like – you’ll be making love an an astral level

City
It’s a bit hippy-dippy that, India, I prefer my men to be like wild animals

Lily
Mine’s a wild animal

Brenda
Lucky you

Brenda
Yeah, he stinks out the house & eats all the food that’s left out

City
I find having sex for the first time with a new guy is just like losing my virginity all over again

Brenda
I remember losing my virginity… I’d always had this dream, of making love to an exotic gentleman beneath the stars, on a soft, sandy beach right next to the pacific ocean

Lily
Did it come true?

Brenda
Nearly… it was Trevor Mackintosh, in a bunker on Peebles golf course

India
Did he get a hole in one

Brenda
He was a wonder with a one wood

Lily
I had a threesome my first time

City
You what!?

Brenda
You never

Lily
I did

City
How old were you

Lily
We were all sixteen

Brenda
That’s a bit sexually sophisticated for sixteen is it not… boys that age think that foreplay is sharing a bottle of bucky

India
Go on, spill the beans


LOSING MY VIRGINTY

Lily
Mi mum went to bingo, I do recall
I called my first ever boyfriend up on the phone
Said, why don’t you come over
Mi mum wont be back til ten
He said id love to & can I bring a friend
I said no problem, mi mam’s filled the fridge with grub
I bought some condoms from the machine down at the pub
I met them at the bus stop they were looking so fine
I thougt ooo! Proper fit,
& I hoped they would both be mine

All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh

Lily
So we went to my bedroom & put on MTV
Had fags & cider that we blagged on a fake ID
All of a sudden they were rolling over me
Why do it with two when you can try it with three
We soon got naked, having it off on the floor
Said please be gentle cos ive never done this before
They say its never very good for your first time
But I’m glad that those bad little lads were mine

All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh


City
Alright girls, lets show the Cowgate what we got

Lily, Brenda & City howl their appreciation

Lily
Ecstasy anybody

India
Don’t mind if I do

Lily begins handing out ecstasy tablets

India
Thank you very much

Lily
{To City}
Here you go, hen

City
Nice one Lillian…
{putting cat-ears on Brenda}
Finishing touches – you look great – we can do your whiskers in the pub

Lily
A cheeky half Brenda

Brenda
I think I’ll have a full one, I’m ready to dance

City
{at the door ready to lock up}
Ladies…

Exit Lily, India, Brenda & City


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

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