No Nay Never: Scene 3


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 3: Leith Walk

Outside a kebab shop – enter The Stags; Peanut is dressed as a pig, Barry is dressed as the Fonz & Mojo is dressed as a farmer


TRUE LEGENDS

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask no questions, tell no lies
We are the best ones to energize… your lives
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the morning lights

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask your consience if its OK
To let your Mojo come out & play
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the day delights

Peanut, Mojo, Barry
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)


Mojo
Wow, that was a reyt night

Peanut
& a brilliant weekend

Barry
Reyt, I’m hungry,

Mojo
Me too I’m starving

Peanut
I could eat summat

Barry
Let’s go in here then – who wants what, I’ll get ‘em

Mojo
I’ll have a donner kebab, please, no mint sauce

Peanut
Me ‘n’ all – with some chips

Barry
I’ll have a kebab too

Mojo
Get us one of them deep fried mars bars will you – when in Rome & all that

Barry enters the kebab shop

Peanut
What was that you order’d

Mojo
A deep fried mars bar

Peanut
That sounds weird – will it not just melt

Mojo
I never thought about that – I bloody hope not

Peanut
If its owt like one of them stornaway black puddings we had this morning its gonna taste ‘orrible

Mojo
I eat one of them black puddings you get off Burnley market right now

Peanut
Me n’all – I mean Edinburgh’s alright, but its not Burnley is it

Mojo
I know what you mean – but I’m glad we came to Leith – I feel reyt at home – its like Burnley with seagulls

Peanut
O Burn-e-ley

Mojo
O Burn-e-ley

Peanut
Is wonderful

Mojo
Is wonderful

Peanut & Mojo
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
Its full of tits, fannies & Clarets
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}

Enter Billy

Billy
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
Its full of daft, six-finger’d Dingles
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit

Mojo
What the fuck

Peanut
Where are you from

Billy
I’m from Blackburn lads

Peanut
Euugh get away from him, hes got nits

Billy
Fuck off

Mojo
What are you doing up here

Billy
I work here don’t I

Mojo
Look pal, down there were sworn enemies, but this side of the border us Lancastrians need to stick together alright

Billy
I can deal with that… whats your names?

Mojo
I’m Mojo, this is Peanut

Peanut
& you

Billy
Billy

Peanut
Billy! Billy no mates more like – why you on your own

Billy
I’ve never quite fitted in up here – I can never understand what them Scots are saying – its just noises

Peanut
I know exactly what you mean

Billy
Are you boys on a stag-do or summat

Mojo
Yeah, Baz, the groom, he’s in there just now, getting some kebabs

Peanut
Wooah! Lads

Enter the Hens


HIGHER LICENSE

Lily
She’s been to Edinburgh
Shes got her sisters with her
They’re coming back from town
Making mens’ eyes move around

Brenda
Shes got no cross to bear
Shes gorgeous as her hair
Shines like a neon light
Glittering from a sattelite

India
She’s mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Brenda, India & Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill

City
We’ve come up from the Shore
Where men say more & more
I’ve got the whitest teeth
They’ve ever seen in Leith

Mojo, Billy & Peanut
& as the girls swept past
We stood their flabberghasted
Each like a star to me
Emitting that cosmic energy

City
We’re mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Mojo, Billy, Peanut, Brenda, India, Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill


Enter Barry

Barry
Yo lads, don’t even do gravy in Scotland – ooo owdo girls

Lily, City, Brenda & India
Hello

Mojo
Are you a Hen Party

India
We are

Brenda
Where you from – I love your accent

Peanut
Burnley

Billy
& Blackburn

Peanut
Shut up, you’re lowering the tone

Barry
{to Billy}
Who the fuck are you?

Peanut
He’s reyt, Barry, he’s our new best mate

Barry
But he’s from Blackburn

City
So, you’re on a stag do, boys?

Mojo
We are – Barry’s getting married next week

City
Hello Barry, I’m Fecliity – I’m getting married too

Barry
He’s a lucky man whoever he is

Brenda
Oo, a charmer

Mojo
So what are you girls up to

Lily
We’re catching a night bus to Portobello – theres’ a fancy dress party on at our mates

India
We’re already dressed

City
Why don’t you come along

Mojo
Real do

Lily
Ooo, look there’s an N26 coming – quick girls, we’ll just make it

Exit Brenda, India & Lily running

City
Well, are you coming or what

Peanut
But what about the kebabs

Mojo
Fuck the kebabs – lets follow these

Billy
Can I come

Peanut
Yeah – there’s four them, so makes sense

City
Yeah, hurry up – its pulling in

Exit City & the Stags


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

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