PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY
Scene 3: Leith Walk
Outside a kebab shop – enter The Stags; Peanut is dressed as a pig, Barry is dressed as the Fonz & Mojo is dressed as a farmer
TRUE LEGENDS
Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are
Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)
Barry
Ask no questions, tell no lies
We are the best ones to energize… your lives
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the morning lights
Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are
Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)
Barry
Ask your consience if its OK
To let your Mojo come out & play
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the day delights
Peanut, Mojo, Barry
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)
Mojo
Wow, that was a reyt night
Peanut
& a brilliant weekend
Barry
Reyt, I’m hungry,
Mojo
Me too I’m starving
Peanut
I could eat summat
Barry
Let’s go in here then – who wants what, I’ll get ‘em
Mojo
I’ll have a donner kebab, please, no mint sauce
Peanut
Me ‘n’ all – with some chips
Barry
I’ll have a kebab too
Mojo
Get us one of them deep fried mars bars will you – when in Rome & all that
Barry enters the kebab shop
Peanut
What was that you order’d
Mojo
A deep fried mars bar
Peanut
That sounds weird – will it not just melt
Mojo
I never thought about that – I bloody hope not
Peanut
If its owt like one of them stornaway black puddings we had this morning its gonna taste ‘orrible
Mojo
I eat one of them black puddings you get off Burnley market right now
Peanut
Me n’all – I mean Edinburgh’s alright, but its not Burnley is it
Mojo
I know what you mean – but I’m glad we came to Leith – I feel reyt at home – its like Burnley with seagulls
Peanut
O Burn-e-ley
Mojo
O Burn-e-ley
Peanut
Is wonderful
Mojo
Is wonderful
Peanut & Mojo
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
Its full of tits, fannies & Clarets
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
Enter Billy
Billy
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
Its full of daft, six-finger’d Dingles
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
Mojo
What the fuck
Peanut
Where are you from
Billy
I’m from Blackburn lads
Peanut
Euugh get away from him, hes got nits
Billy
Fuck off
Mojo
What are you doing up here
Billy
I work here don’t I
Mojo
Look pal, down there were sworn enemies, but this side of the border us Lancastrians need to stick together alright
Billy
I can deal with that… whats your names?
Mojo
I’m Mojo, this is Peanut
Peanut
& you
Billy
Billy
Peanut
Billy! Billy no mates more like – why you on your own
Billy
I’ve never quite fitted in up here – I can never understand what them Scots are saying – its just noises
Peanut
I know exactly what you mean
Billy
Are you boys on a stag-do or summat
Mojo
Yeah, Baz, the groom, he’s in there just now, getting some kebabs
Peanut
Wooah! Lads
Enter the Hens
HIGHER LICENSE
Lily
She’s been to Edinburgh
Shes got her sisters with her
They’re coming back from town
Making mens’ eyes move around
Brenda
Shes got no cross to bear
Shes gorgeous as her hair
Shines like a neon light
Glittering from a sattelite
India
She’s mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer
Brenda, India & Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill
City
We’ve come up from the Shore
Where men say more & more
I’ve got the whitest teeth
They’ve ever seen in Leith
Mojo, Billy & Peanut
& as the girls swept past
We stood their flabberghasted
Each like a star to me
Emitting that cosmic energy
City
We’re mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer
Mojo, Billy, Peanut, Brenda, India, Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill
Enter Barry
Barry
Yo lads, don’t even do gravy in Scotland – ooo owdo girls
Lily, City, Brenda & India
Hello
Mojo
Are you a Hen Party
India
We are
Brenda
Where you from – I love your accent
Peanut
Burnley
Billy
& Blackburn
Peanut
Shut up, you’re lowering the tone
Barry
{to Billy}
Who the fuck are you?
Peanut
He’s reyt, Barry, he’s our new best mate
Barry
But he’s from Blackburn
City
So, you’re on a stag do, boys?
Mojo
We are – Barry’s getting married next week
City
Hello Barry, I’m Fecliity – I’m getting married too
Barry
He’s a lucky man whoever he is
Brenda
Oo, a charmer
Mojo
So what are you girls up to
Lily
We’re catching a night bus to Portobello – theres’ a fancy dress party on at our mates
India
We’re already dressed
City
Why don’t you come along
Mojo
Real do
Lily
Ooo, look there’s an N26 coming – quick girls, we’ll just make it
Exit Brenda, India & Lily running
City
Well, are you coming or what
Peanut
But what about the kebabs
Mojo
Fuck the kebabs – lets follow these
Billy
Can I come
Peanut
Yeah – there’s four them, so makes sense
City
Yeah, hurry up – its pulling in
Exit City & the Stags
