No Nay Never: Scenes 4-5


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 4: Portobello

Hamish’s flat, he is dressed as Hari Krishna, there are two partygoers, Krissie (dressed as a Victorian Lady of the Ancient Profession) & Katie (dressed as a Cowgirl)


Enter The Stags & Hens

Hamish
Well, hello gang!

City
Alright Hamish, lovely to see you doll

Krissie
Lillian!

Lily
Alright babycakes

India
We brought some pals, s’that cool?

Hamish
You’re more than welcome, boys, more than welcome

Mojo
Cheers mate

City
It’s a bit quiet, is it not?

Hamish
Its late innit – most folk have drifted off – but we’re still buzzin arent we girls

Krissie
Too fuckin right

Kate
Where are you from boys

All the stags say ‘Burnley’ in unison, except for Billy who says ‘Blackburn’

Hamish
Ooo, Lancashire lads

Mojo
Aye mate, proper tablethwackers us – we say it like we see it & we like what see

Katie
What did you say

Hamish
Ooo, so cute, so colloquial, help yourself to drinks boys, there’s loads left

Barry
Nice one, thanks

Peanut
Can I use your loo pal

Hamish
Yeah – its two doors down the hall, on the left

Peanut
Cheers

Krissie
{to Billy}
Did you not know it was fancy dress

Mojo
Yeah he did – he’s come as a scruffy bastard

Billy
Oi!

Hamish
Ooo! I love that sense of humour of yours – as rugged as the granite of the Pennines – reminds me of a docker I once knew from Scunthorpe

Barry
Sunny Scunny

India
You don’t mind if I put a tune on do ya

Hamish
Fire away, something dancey yeah –

India
Sure, ya got blue-tooth

Hamish
Of course I do – it’s Boss Bass Sound

India
…and… I’m in


ALL SWAP PLACES

Bom bom, jiggy bom bom
Bom jiggy bom,
Jiggy jiggy gang bang
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s jiggy with a farmer
& we all swap places…..

{Peanut returns from the toilet sniffing}

There’s a pussy playin’ fiddle
& the piggy in the middle’s getting
Jiggy with the gang bang
Theres a hooker on a cooker
She’s the hottest mother fucka
That I’ve seen in any gang bang
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s busy with the dalai llama
& we all swap places

& we all swap places
& we all swap places
& we all swap places

Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Ah-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-ya

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Time to level up a partner
Menage a trois
The karma sutra
King bamboo

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Pick & mix it
Mister mistress
Bend the gender
Warp & skew

Bom bom
Theres a madame in the saddle
& she’s friggin in the riggin
As the balls are playin ping pong
& he’s no King Kong (small dong)
Still the Fonz singsalong to the sing song
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama

Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s busy with Bananarama
& we all swap places…..

& we all swap places
& we all swap places
& we all swap places

Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Ah-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-ya

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Convalute me
Contravention
I’m at attention
Stand to

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Light up the lava
Ask your partners
Dip in the darkness
French fondeau?

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

I never had a mango
Never had a mango?
Never had a mango down on me


Mojo
That’s a reyt tune, India, nice one

Brenda
Bom-bom-jiggy-bom-bom!

Hamish
Alright people – everybody to the kitchen – who fancies a cheeky boost

Mojo
What is it?

Billy
It’ll be coke, they’re mad for it up here

Krissie
We are, & it is

Mojo
We’ve got a bit n’all, we’ll chuck it in

Hamish
Perfect, a little cocktail – bring your glasses guys, I’ve got some majestic white Cuban rum that needs finishing off

Kate
{to Peanut}
So you’ve had a good time in Edinburgh

Peanut
Yeah, its been buzzin

Kate
How long are you up for

Peanut
Just til tomorrow, its his stag-do, he’s getting a married next week

Katie
Ah, that’s a pity

Peanut
So where are you from

Katie
Dalkeith

Peanut
Never heard of it

Exit everybody except for Brian & City

City
You don’t fancy a line

Barry
Nah – I don’t do coke, sends me a bit doolally

City
I don’t mind it myself

Barry
My cocaine is Burnley Football Club

City
Oh my god, we’re alone less than a minute & you’re rattling on about bloody Football, you must be one of those‘fanatics’

Barry
Of course I am, when ya Burnley born & bred you bleed claret & blue – I’ve had a season ticket on the Cricket Field for years

City
The Cricket Field, but you said football

Barry
No love, its called the Cricket Field stand, Burnley Cricket Club’s behind Turf Moor

City
Turf Moor?

Barry
Thats the name of the stadium, the Cricket Field’s the name of the stand…
{City looks confused}
Oh forget it – all you need to know is Burnley are the best team on the planet

City
I’ve never been on a football match

Barry
You should try it – when Burnley score a last minute winner it’s a better feeling than sex

City
You’re not having sex with the right person, clearly

Barry
So who’s the lucky guy

City
What do you mean?

Barry
Your fiance, who is he?

City
Ooh – he’s Italian – Don vito – he lives in Rome

Barry
Very exotic

City
And you? What’s she like?

Barry
I take it you’re talking about my Sharon

City
Is that her name – how quaint

Barry
Oi! thats my childhood sweetheart ya talking about

City
How romantic

Barry
It really is – I love her to bits

City
Written in the stars was it

Barry
I guess it wars – talking of stars, tho’ – I bet I can guess ya sign

City
You what

Barry
Your starsign

City
Why would you wanna do that

Barry
I dunno, when I take pills I just feel compelled – do you mind

City
Nat at all – I’m intrigued actually – fire away


 

STARSIGNS

Barry
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine

Are you Aries, summer fairies
Til the head-butt necessaries
Maybe Leo, they’re the Cleopatras
Gettin jiggy on a beach in rio
Are ya Gemini, overqualified
Struttin round like a homeless butterfly
Ya eyes are like diamonds baby
Are ya Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine

Are you Aquarius ever varius
Or a sexy Sagittarius
Maybe Virgo, a semi-circle
Never mess with a girl in a fur coat
Are ya Libra, like Alan Shearer
Ya black & white like the stripes on a zebra
Ya smile is like sunshine baby
Are ya Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
& guess your sign & after the mantra
I’m gonna take my time & darlin’ tie ya down to the tantra
I’m an empath like my mother
I’m an astrological lover
Your vibe is like Tinsel Town
Get on down to the sound of the breakdown
Acapella pick a colour
When I guess it & I’m destined to pull her
Better mystic meg assisted
Proper bullshit but birds cant resist it
If she roots ya & she suits ya
You can cruise thro’ the views of the future
Then when the starshine glows
Get on down its time for the solos

Are ya cancer, what a chancer
Breakin’ legs like a pimp-ass dancer
Maybe Pisces, a dionysis
Living lives of crazy crises
Or maybe you’re a Capricorn
Like a slinky ninja on the microphone
Your voice is like Venus baby
Are you Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine


Astrological horoscope zodiac star signs icon symbols set

City
So what am I then?

Barry
Give me a second – wait – wait – wait – im getting it – you’re Pisces
{City is stunned into silence}
Am I right?

City
Totally – how did you do that?

Barry
It’s just a gift – my mother’s got it, my granny has it – there’s a psychic streak in the family

City
I could feel you reading my mind – probing – deep – no-ones’ ever done that before… we’re soul mates

Barry
We are?

City
What else could it be – I don’t believe it – my soul mate’s from Barnsley

City
It’s Burnley actually

City
Sorry – look, wherever you’re from its all about where you’re going to – lets ditch this party – get to know each other – get to really know each other – or should I say get to reknow each other – we’ve clearly met in a past life

Barry
What are you on about?

City
We’re right next to Portobello Beach here, put your coat on, lets go for a stroll

Barry
I suppose owts better than hanging around a load of coke-heads talking bullshit & trying to fuck each other – lets do it

City
Brilliant


Scene 5: Portobello Beach

CitY & Barry are strolling by the sea at sunrise


 

PORTOBELLO BEACH

City
Were gonna go for a glide, we’re gonna
Glide down Portobello Beach
& see the birds flying high
Knowing the oceans just beyond our reach
We’re gonna go for a glide
We’re gonna go for a glide, my friend
& I know, & I know that you, you can come too

Put your soul back in control
& let the spirit fly
(Ask the spirit)
How does your soul feel

Barry
This is the time of our lives
Together down by Portobello beach
& see the moon over Fife is glowing stardust Just beyond our reach
These are the times of our lives
These are the times of our lives my friend
& I know, yes I know, that all dreams can come true

City
Put your soul back in control
& let the spirit fly
(Ask the spirit)
How does your soul feel

Barry
I see ya taking the lies
I see ya takin the lies my friend

City
I see ya faking the highs
I see ya faking the highs

City & Barry
Put your soul back in control
& let the spirit fly
(Ask the spirit)
How does your soul feel

They kiss passionately – its kinda beautiful actually / Barry’s phone rings

Barry
Fuck

City
Don’t answer it

Barry
I’ve got to – do not make a sound – please –

City
Alright, chill out

Barry
Good morning babe – yeah, I’m alright – yeah its been a good night – no I’m still out, no they’re seagulls, I just went for a wee stroll down the seaside, check it out – course I’m not with another girl, don’t be daft – hey babe listen, let me get a taxi back to the hotel, get cosy & we can do a skype – yeah you too – no its not as good as Blackppol Pleasure Beach – yeah you too, love ya , bye

City
Was that Sharon

Barry
I’ve got to go

City
But…

Barry
Look, I’m getting married next week – you’re getting married

City
But that was the best kiss I’ve ever had – & yours too – it was like our spirits had been released & were watching us from above, I could feel it

Barry
It was just a bit of silly necking love, don’t get carried away

City
Silly necking! The lips never lie, babe

Barry
I’m not your babe – I’ve never even masturbated since I’ve been with Sharon– let alone kiss’d another woman – she’d fucking kill me if she found out- I’ve gotta get out of here

City
You’re seriously gonna leave

Barry
Look, its been great fun, you’re a beautiful, sassy lass – you’re gonna make this Don Vito fella a brilliant wife

City
I am aren’t I – Alright barry, good luck

City leans in to kiss Barry, he turns away

Barry
Maybe in the next life

City
The next life…

Exit Barry


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


 

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