No Nay Never: Scenes 8-10a


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 8: Outside Turf Moor

Liverpool fans are conducting a Youtube interview


Jim
So here we are for Red TV, the Pool have just been played off the park by, dare I say it, Burn-ley

Kevin
It’s a disgrace

Jim
That it is, Kevin, that it is – so can you tell us your thoughts on that pile of absolute shite

Kevin
R.I.P Liverpool, mate, R.I.P Liverpool – the club is dead – losing 4-0 to fuckin’ Burnley – what the fuck’s all that about – I think I’m gonna hand in my season ticket, start watching Everton

Jim
Calm down, calm down, there’s no need to do anything drastic
{noticing Mojo, Barry & Peanut approaching}
Oh fer fuck’s sake

Mojo, Barry, Peanut
Anti football – duh-duh-duh-duh…….
Oh my lads you should have seen em running,
Running down the Brunshaw road the Burnley boys are coming,
All the lads and lasses, & all their smiling faces,
Running down the Brunshaw road,
To see the Burnley Aces…

Jim
Lets get out of this shit-hole

Kevin
We’ll slaughter yous at Anfield

Barry
Hurry up, you’re gonna miss ya train

Exit Jim & Kevin, enter City in disguise

Mojo
That was fucking brilliant

Barry
4-0 – clean sheet – real do

Peanut
Reyt what we doing

Mojo
I fancy ‘Miners, me, Manchester derby’s on

Peanut
Aye, sounds good

Mojo
You coming Baz?

Barry
Nah – I’m best off nipping home – Sharon’s coming round apparently – more o’ this wedding stuff to sort out

Mojo
Suit yourself – well, we’ll see you next week if we don’t see you before

Barry
You’ll see me before, trust me, this wedding’s doin’ mi ‘ead in – in a bit

Exit Mojo & Peanut

City
Hello Barry
{Barry in shock}
I said hello… cat got your tongue

Barry
What the fuck are you doing here

City
Turns out I suit claret & blue after all

Barry
This is not happening

City
I had to find you Barry – I was smitten from the moment we met – I cant get that kiss, that divine kiss, out of my head

Barry
You’re proper off ya rocker you are – love look, I’m gettin married next week – that kiss you’re rattlin on about was a mistake – I wish it had never happened – I’m in bits, I am, I feel well guilty

City
You don’t need to pretend anymore – its me you’re talking too – your soul mate – we love each other

Barry
No we’re not & no we don’t

City
But you knew my starsign

Barry
It was a lucky guess ya mentalist – there’s a one in 12 chance – its better odds than picking an each-way at the national

City
But I love you

Barry
City, you don’t love me, you’re just in love with the idea of being in love – it was fun, yeah, we go on, but you’re clearly insanse – & youre a stalker – &, this is the most important, I’m loyal

City
Be loyal to me – we’re spirit animals me & you

Barry
Look – there’s nothing I can do – just fuck off

City
What

Barry
Just fuck off
{sees Sharon & Grandad approaching}
Aw shit! It’s Sharon, & mi Grandad – you really need to leave right now

City
But I’ve come all this way

Barry
I don’t care how far you’ve come – this is harrassment – I’m gonna call the police

City
Alright honey – I know you don’t mean it, but I’ll give you your space – I love you

Exit City, enter Sharon & Grandad

Barry
Babycakes! Grandad!

Sharon
Who wer that lass you were talking to?

Barry
Dunno babe – some nutjob tryin’ to blag mi head – she just started chatting to me in the street

Sharon
Well I dont blame her, youre fuckin gorgeous you are – gizza kiss
{they kiss}
So me & your grandad have been practicing our paces for the wedding – I’m so glad your giving me away Pops, what with both my parents being in prison for embezzlement & everything

Grandad
Its an honour Sharon, thank-you for asking

Sharon
So, Barry, check this… left foot first Pops
{Sharon & Grandad start pacing}
&… go… keep it steady… nice & slow
{they halt at an imaginary altar}
What do you think

Barry
Superb

Grandad
How did Burnley end up

Barry
4-0,

Grandad
4-bloody-0, real do – lets have a drink down’ the Royal Dyche to celebrate

Barry
I wunt if I were you, granny’s on’ warpath –

Sharon
He’ll be reyt, she’s at the bingo int she – they’re both allowed to have a bit of fun, especially on a Sat’day

Grandad
Exactly

Barry
I don’t fancy it myself, Grandad, but we’ll see you back at the house – make sure you’re back early tonight – i.e. before ten o clook

Grandad
Right-O!

Exit Grandad

Sharon
So, you, about our wedding … I’ve been thinking what would be so perfect would be if the bridesmaids’ shoes were sequentially of the colours of the rainbow, like – to show we support LGBTQ

Barry
Do we?

Sharon
Yes we do Barry

Barry
What is that again

Sharon
lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender

Barry
Oh, right, of course

Sharon
Thank-you… & the shoes are gonna look exacty like mine

Barry
I thought yours were a one-off, a very expensive one-off

Sharon
They were… but the designer said he’s happy to make copies – he’s even holding the original price for each pair – isn’t that nice of him

Barry
& you want me to pay for it, right

Sharon
It’s your wedding too, is it not – You do love me, dont you

Barry
Of course I do – here ya – use my credit card

Sharon
Thank-you honey… you wont regret it – now lets go & get a cuppa somewhere – we can work on the playlist for the reception – I was thinking we should start with the Stone Roses, ‘This Is The One,’ its dead romantic

Barry
Good choice

Sharon
& I also want a big glittery banner saying SHABAZZ, ONE LOVE

Exit Barry & Sharon


SCENE 9: Leith, the City Pad


TESTOSTERONE PATRIARCHY

City is tidying up

I am a hot thing
But I have to disguise
All the ways that the razors
Cut deep in my veins
& I wipe lipstick
With a tissue of lies
‘Cos I’m hook’d on destructions
That sicken & stain

It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy

I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I am not fine

I’ve never felt love
For the shine of the skies
Cos I’m parked in the darkness
By the full beam of fame
& I’ve lost control
Of the look in my eyes
As I gaze on the razors
That beckon my name

It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy

I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I’m not doing fine


Buzzer goes

City
Who’s that then

Don
Felcity – its your dad

City
Come on up

Enter the Don

City
Daddy!

Don
I’ve been trying to get hold of you all week – are you alright

City
I’m in bits

Don
Whats the problem princess?

City
I don’t think I can marry Don Vito

Don
You what – I’ve spent a small fackin’ fortune on that wedding

City
I’ve fallen in love with an Engishman

Don
Ah well, that puts a different perspective on matters, that does – I’m all for this new turn of events – where’s he from?

City
Burnley

Don
Burnley! fack off

City
God’s truth daddy

Don
You’re having a laugh aintch – a wee wind up is it – well, its not fackin funny

City
But daddy, you’ve always encouraged me to date an Englishman

Don
There’s English & there’s facking Burnley English – there’s a big difference

City
But I thought you said all Englismen bleed tea

Don
Not all Englishmen – some of them bleed fuckin gravy

City
But he’s lovely

Don
No child of mine is falling for a dirty northen monkey. Not on my watch she aint

City
Look daddy, I don’t care, he’s beautiful, & we’re soul mates – its not up to you, its up to the universe

Don
What did you say

City
Hes beautiful

Don
Nah, not that bit, the other bit

City
Its not up to you, its up to the universe

Don
That’s just what your mother said, treacle, when we first met – I mean look at the result – you are the best thing that ever happened to me & your mother, god bless her soul

City
She’d like him dad, I know whe would

Don
You really fink so

City
He’s ten times better than Leytonstone Phil, & she really loved him

Don
He was a fackin bell-end

City
Look, I know ya don’t fink anyone will be good enougth for me, but I know Barry’s the one

Don
Barry!

City
Yes, Barry daddy, that’s his name, get used to it

Don
Awight, awight – that’s how it its gonna be, that’s how its gonna be – when am I gonna meet this newest member of our family

City
Ah – about that daddy – there’s a slight hitch

Don
What’s that

City
Well, he’s getting hitched, married that is, ehm tomorrow

Don
What, you two are getting married tomorrow, facks sake

City
No, not me & him, him & his fiance

Don
You what!

City
He’s getting married in the morning

Don
Well we’re gonna have to stop it aren’t we

City
What

Don
I’m aint gonna spend the rest of my life watching you moping abaht – I had enough of that when you were a teenager – I’m gonna send Bulldog dahn to nobble that bird

City
No need, daddy, I got this one myself

Don
Well, what ya gonna do abaht it

City
I dunno yet

Don
Listen, lav, the one thing I’ve learnt from my life is that if you want something, you’ve just gotta go aht & get it – get yourself down there love – I’d drive you down myself, but I’m busy doing a spot christmas shopping in Airdire, you know what I’m saying

City
Be careful yeah

Don
Easy money

City
I’m gonna ring Lily……………. Alright doll – could be better… I need a massive favour…. I need to get to Burnley by tomorrow morning… can you drive me down… this is the biggest crisis of my life…. No, not Birmingham, Burn-ley… its somewhere near Manchester I think…  yeah, I need to see Barry again, I know its crazy, but its destiny… if we set off tonight we can get a hotel en route…  ah you fuckin dancer, thanks so much – OK I’ll be ready, I love you Lily thanks

Don
Sorted

City
Yeah – she’ll be here in a couple of hours

Don
Well, get your coat on, I’ll treat you to some nosh dahnstairs, that bistro looks nice dunnit

City
That’s very kind of you, gizza kiss

Don
You’ve gotta fink positive babe, cos when you do, positive fings will always happen

City
You’re spot on there dad
{putting on coat}
I feel better already – well here we go, do I look nice

Don
Absolute knockaht – a always – after you

City
Well thank you very much sir

Exit City & The Don


SCENE 10a: A Church In Burnley

The wedding of Bazrry & Sharon


Barry & Mojo are waiting with the Vicar / Sharon reaches Barry – Grandad & Mojo take their seats

Gran
Eee – its playing havoc with my lumbago is this

Jackie
Shhh mam, they’re coming

Grandad is leading Sharon leads up the aisle

Vicar
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness, in the eyes of God, the sacred union of two young people very much in love –before we begin, however, it is my duty to ask if anybody here present knows of any legal impediment to this marriage
{silence}
Anybody… no-one… very good… we shall now continue with the vows… I believe the couple have prepared their own for the ceremony

Barry
We have


VOWS

I believe in love
But I don’t believe in miracles
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a fairy tale

I believe in love,
God help us,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love believes in you
I believe in you

Come to me my darling
Come to me my love
Come this mellow morning
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break into the Garden of Eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls

I believe in love
But I don’t believe in fairytales
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a miracle

I believe in love,
God help them,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love belives in you
I believe in you

Come to me my darling
& Eos be my love
Cupid’s coming calling
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump over the wall
Gotta break into the garden of eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls
& then we can open
Open, open the door
Be Clyde & Bonnie with a magnum 44
Love love is the law here,
Gotta break down the walls
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break down the towers of Babylon
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down those walls
I gotta break thro those walls


Vicar
What a lovely song, I hope you’ll all agree – so it is time for the exchanging of the rings – eh, Mojo is it?

Mojo
That’s me mate

Vicar
Do you have Barry’s ring for Sharon

Mojo
{looking for ring}
Of course I do… I’ve got it here somwhere

Sharon
Hurry up Mojo

Barry
Yeah, mate, where’s the fucking ring

Mojo
I dunno – it was in this pocket, I swear down

Sharon
Barry!

Enter City holding the ring, with Lily & India – looking like a pseudu-bride & bridesmaids

City
{holding the ring}
Looking for this

Mojo
How the fuck did you get that

India
We picked your pocket pal

Sharon
Excuse me – this is my wedding

Barry
What are you doing

City
You can’t marry him Sharon

Sharon
How do you know my name – hang on a minute, I recognise you, you were that tart who was chatting up Baz in the street last week

City
If I’m a tart love, you’re a shitty digestive

Sharon
What did you say

City
Look, love, at the end of the day you can’t marry him

Sharon
You’re gonna tell me why not?

City
Because we’re soul mates

Sharon
You fuckin what?

Vicar
Language please

Sharon
Sorry Vicar, sorry Jesus

City
I said we’re soul mates

Gran
Ooo, that’s dead romantic that is

Jackie
Shut up mam!

Barry
Look, City, whatever you’re doing its gotta stop

Sharon
So you know her name, Barry , do ya

City
Well kinda

City
We met in Edinburgh, it was love at first sight

Grandad
Nay

Barry
Nothing happened babe, I swear down

City
What about the best kiss each of us have ever, ever shared –

Sharon
You what – you actually kiss’d this slapper
{look of doom from the vicar}
Sorry

City
Well, ehm, I was proper mashed, like

Sharon
Well, I’m humiliated, & on my wedding day n’all – that’s it, anyway, the trust is broken – you can keep him – come on guys we’re out of here

Barry
Sharon! What ya doin? Shes clearly a nutjob – I’t was only a little kiss – I was well off my head

Sharon
well, maybe I am being a bit hasty

City
But Barry – the kiss was amazing

Grandad
Bloody pick one

Barry
Ehmn

City
Choose me Barry

Sharon
Ignore her, she’s mental, I’m the one you’ve always meant to be with

****************************

To be continued


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


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