No Nay Never: Scenes 10b-11


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 10b: A Church in Burnley

Barry is in a major dilemma at the altar – City & Sharon are waiting for him to choose one of them

Barry
You’re right, Sharon, I’m sorry darling, its always been you, of course it has

Sharon
Ah come here you, I forgive you

Sharon & Baz embrace

City
But Baz… wait…

Baz
What do you want City

City
Just hear me out, yeah

Sharon
Oi trollop, you’ve outsayed your welcome, my Baz doesn’t want to listen to anything you’ve got to say

City
He’s gonna wanna hear this

***

MIX IT UP

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up

Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up sweet baby

City
We’re gonna mix it up like crazy

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

Baz
I know that I’ve kinda fallen for you
Don’t wanna waste it, I just gotta taste it

City
I love the way you’ve got nuffin to prove
You’re kinda tasty, your mind amazes me

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up

Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up sweet baby

City
We’re gonna mix it up like crazy

We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

Baz
I know that I’ve kinda fallen for you
Don’t wanna waste it, I just gotta taste it

City
I love the way you’ve got nuffin to prove
You’re kinda tasty, your mind amazes me

Barry
I’ve gobbled up my pride
I’m feelin it inside
You are the one to break my habits

City
I cant believe its true
I cant believe its you
You are the one to make me happy

City & Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

***

Sharon leaves in tears, throwing her ring at Barry – City picks it up, Sharon is followed by her wedding party

Barry
You’re right Felicity – you are my soul mate

City
I told ya

Vicar
So… eh… do you two want to get married instead

City
Do you want to Barry?

Barry
We could do, but, I’m not moving to Edinburgh – you’ll have to stay in Burnley wi’ me

City
I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll live in Burnley… for love

Grandad
Its buzzin’ in Burnley

Gran
She’ll find out in her own time Alfie

City
{to Vicar}
OK, we’re gonna do it

Vicar
It’s a little bit unconventional, but everything is set…
so, do you have the rings

Sharon
Here’s mine – it was mine all along

Mojo
I’m afraid Barry’s ring is off with the other bride

Grandad
Eee-ya, borrow mine for a bit

Barry
Nice one Pops… yeah it fits

Vicar
Whats your name young lady?

City
Felicity Jane Belmarsh

Vicar
So, do you Felicity Jane Belmarsh, take thee, Barry Brogden to be your lawful wedded husband

City
Hold your horses – Brian what – I’m gonna be a what

Jackie
You’re gonna be Brogden lass, you’ll love it

City
Yeah, OK, OK, carry on, as you were

Vicar
& do you, Barry Brogden take, thee Felicity Jane Belmarsh to be your lawful wedded wife

Barry
I do

Vicar
In that case, I declare you both to be man & wife – you may kiss the bride!

Barry & City kiss – everyone cheers


SCENE 10b: The Brogden’s House, Burnley

Grandad, Gran, City, Jackie, Barry & The Don are celebrating Christmas


BROGDEN’S CHRISTMAS

Barry
Grandad’s pinched a turkey
Half-inched it for the family
Lets hope he doesn’t roast it
At 200 degrees

Jackie
Last year yer Granny burnt it
Lets hope this time she’s learnt from it
Dont touch those bloody marys Mam
We’re begging you please

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

The Don
Hang the calendars on the wall

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to one & all

City
Baz nips out fer reefer
My Daddy’s playing Fifa
& Grandad says

Grandad
The queen is look perky this year

Grandad
As Jackie checks on turkey
Gran gets out karaokoe
She’s singing Tina Turner
As we block up each ear

Gran
You’re simply the best!
Better than all the rest,

Grandad
Turn that bloody machine off

Jackie unplugs the karaoke machine

Grandad
Thank god fer that

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Gran
Tinsels glistening

Jackie
On the tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the Family

Barry
Merry, merry, merry Christmas
You’re looking so delicious
I want to give you kisses
As you give your love to me

Grandad
Merry, merry, merry Christmas
I’m gonna do all the dishes
There’s a honeymoon to Mauritius
Underneath the tinsel tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

City
Blink, ya miss it

Don
& then its gone

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to everyone

key change

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Gran
Tinsels glistening

Jackie
On the tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the Family

Grandad
Merry Christmas everybody

City, Granny, Jackie, Barry
Merry Christmas Grandad


Grandad
& I’d just like to propose a toast – to the newest members of our family – Felicity Brogden

Jackie
& her very lovely father, Don

Don
I fackin love Burnley me

Gran
I beg your pardon

Don
Sorry I get a bit nervous around Norveners

Grandad
Don’t be son, you’re one of us now

Don
That’s what I’m worried abaht – by the way I’m surprised to see you’ve got colour telly up norf

City
Dad!

Don
Sorry treacle, can’t help myself sometimes

Gran
North & South we all bat for the same side

Jackie
& we all listen to the same Queen’s Speech, Nan

Don
I aint watched that since she nobbl’d Lady Di

Grandad
I’m dead chuffed y’know, its about time we had some new Brogden babies round the house

Don
What the bleedin ‘ells a Brogden baby

Barry
& they’ll bleed claret & blue n’all Grandad

Grandad
Aye they will…. what’s your team Donald,

Don
You what?

Grandad
What team do you support, fer the football

Don
Leyton Orient, mate, I’ve got the crest tattooed across my heart – let me show you

As the Don raises his shirt Don Vito bursts in with Maria & Laura holding bulldog at gunpoint

Don Vito
This Burn-ley is a sheeet-hole

Barry
Who the bloody’ ell are you

Don Vito
I am Don Vito & she is my fiance

The Don
{taking three steps towards Don Vito}
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah – I’m afraid, Mr Vito, she was your fiance

Don Vito
{taking three steps towards the Don}
No-no-no-no-no… she ees a-my fiance

The Don
{Walking three steps towards & squaring up with Don Vito}
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah – she…

City
…Has just got married Mr Vito

Don Vito
Married

Barry
Yeah, to me, I’m her husband

Don Vito
You are a dead man walking

Barry
Mr Vito, I’ve heard all bout you two – honestly, the love I have for City is real love – & she loves me – what you two had was more of a business arrangement really

Don Vito
Is this true Felicity, do you love him

Felicity
I do Mr Vito, so much, I’m sorry its all come to this

Don Vito
Va bane va bene – in Italia il cuoro, the heart, e molto importante – you have-a my blessing

Don
Smashing Mr Vito – are you hungry – would you & the girls like some Christmas dinner –

Laura
We would love to try your strange-looking British food

Maria
It does smells very good

Don Vito
Si, we shall stay, grazie molto

Laura
E Buon Natale

Gran
There’s no-one called Natalie here, love

Grandad
Get three extra plates Jackie, they can have it on their knees

Gran
{to Laura & Maria}
Come here girls – so, there’s some turkey in the kitchen, these are yer tatties, these are yer Yorkshire puddings – made em myself I did – this is your cranberry sauce, these are yer pigs in blankets & these are sprouts – do Italians like sprouts

Laura
Sprout? What is sprout?

Don Vito
Bulldog, I am-a sorry for pointing a gun at your head

Bulldog
Nah worries, Mr Vito

Don
Did you have a nice journey up here, Mr Vito

Don Vito
No so much Britain is so cold & a-grey, si, how can you live here in the winter

Don
We just drink our way through it – fancy a lager

Don
Si

Barry
I love you City

City
I love you too Baz, gizza kiss

Banging on the door

Lily
{through the letterbox}
Hello – hello – I need to speak to Felicity – is she there – its urgent

Felicity
Is that you, Lily

Grandad
I’ll get it

Grandad opens the door, in bursts Lily, Brenda, the General, Nelson & TC

Lily
I’m sorry to disturb you on Christmas day & everything

Jackie
{bringing out three plates}
This is less Jesus’ birthday & more the feedin of the bleedin’ five thousand

Grandad
The more the merrier love, there’s room in front o’ fire

Lily
Sorry felicity, but your phone’s been off all day & Don Vito’s in Burnley & he’s looking for you right n… Don Vito!

The Don
It’s alright Lillian, its all sorted

Lily
It is

City
Yep, its all good, relax

Gran
Right, spread yourselves out down there  – Jackie, five more plates, we’ll mek it work

Jackie
You lot are gonna have to use spoons & dishes

Nelson
Fine by me

General
& me

TC
& me

Lily
Yeah, we’ve all skipped our Christmas dinners to save City

City
I’ve been saved… by Barry, come here you

City & Barry kiss

TC
That smells gorgeous by the way

Gran
Ee-ya grandad, youre gonna have to give back some of them roast potatoes

Grandad
Never!

Enter Jackie with five plates – Enter Mojo & Peanut

Mojo
Merry Christmas !!

Peanut
What the!!

Jackie
Oh my days!

Baz
Alright lads

Mojo
Have you finished

Grandad
We havent even bloody started yet

Gran
We’re gonna need more meat – Jackie, will ya phone up Yips Chips on Accy Road, get them to drop off some spare ribs

Jackie
Yes mam

Baz
& a tub of curry sauce

Gran
{shaking her head)
Curry Sauce wi’ Christmas dinner – ee, I don’t know

Baz
Don’t worry I’ll pay for it

Gran
It’s just not right tho, is it Alfie

Grandad
No Love

Baz
Reyt everybody – merry Christams & get stuck in!

Barry
The food is on the table
Grandad looks unstable
He got some Boujou brandy
In from Auntie Dot

City
Now Granny’s started ranting
About his gallivanting
& now she is demanding

Gran
It had better be hot

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to you & me
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the family

Fin.


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


 

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