Tinky Disco: Scenes 3-4

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PART 2 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 3: An Indian Restaurant in Leith

Enter the General, Brenda & India – Palik is is the waiter

Palik
Welcome, table for three

Brenda
Yes please

Palik
This way…

General
Thank you

India
Ooo, its nice in here innit

General
It’s the best restaurant in Leith this, for many reasons

Palik
Would you like any drinks

General
I’ll have a lager… Brenda

Brenda
Same

General
India?

India
I’ll have a white wine please

Palik
No problems be back in a minute

General
Ooo & Palik

Palik
Yes

General
Could we have the poppadom special for starters

Palik
Good choice, sir, good choice

The party take their seats

India
So nice to meet ya Brenda, Tristan’s told me so much about you

Brenda
Tristan?

India
Yeah, Tristan, my brother

General
Ehm, I forget to mention that

Brenda
Tristan! Tristan & Brenda

India
Yes it’s a little incongruous isnt it

Brenda
You what?

India
Incongruous… Never mind…. Brenda, Tristan & I, well, we come from a certain privileged background

Brenda
So you’re posh then, babe

General
Ehm

India
Our family is…   Tristan’s the black sheep, doesn’t want to conform, do you darlin’

General
There’s more to life than buggary & polo

India
You do know that the flat you’re sharing was paid for by mother

General
She bought you one too

Brenda
Alright, alright, calm, down you two – you’ve only just met up – I don’tcare what your name is, who your parents are & whether you own your flat or nae, I fucking love you General

They embrace

India
Ah, aint that sweet

General
So you’re up for coming out with us later

India
Yeah, why not, what happening

General
A mate of ours is putting on a disco night

India
Ooo… I love a bit of disco

General
Well, one of the reasons why this is the best restaurant in Leith is that they do a little side-line in bingo

Brenda
What, someone didn’t flush the toilet, it’s a dirty loo, thirty two

General
No, not that kind of bingo,
{imitates snorting coke}
Bingo-bingo… & it’s the proper stuff n’all –

Brenda
You can also get some right nice afghan black, blows yer head right off,

General
& a bit of speed on Tuesdays

Palik returns
Here’s your drinks & here’s the poppadom special – just come in today

****

POPPADOM

Brenda
Have a dab o that says Abbadabbadis
To Mister Tristan Poppadopalous

India
Whats this

Brenda
Says Tristan’s sister
Tristan says

Tristan
Its got a little twist

All
Pom, pom… lets pop a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… we all love a poppadom

Palik
Dont forget the mango chutney
Its imported up from Putney
Makes the chicken balti taste supreme
Mountains of bombay tatties
Basmati rice chapattis
Its the greatest feast I’ve ever seen

 

 

India
Your spice is pretty damn nice

Brenda
Tristan’s sister tells Abbadabadis
Then gets him in the kitchen
& asks him

India
Can I have a little kiss

All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…

Palik
Don’t forget the lamb jalfrezi
It’s the kind that’s sends you crazy
Then again its gets stuck in your teeth
Don’t forget the shami kebabs
They’re the one everyone has
But you gotta taste it to believe

All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…

Tristan
What yer suckin that fer, what the the fuck is this

Brenda
Hiss’d pissed off Tristan to his little sis

India
That chutney made me horny

Brenda
Abbadabadis got battered with a fist

All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…

Brenda
Don’t forget the sweet bang lassi
It’s the kind that sends you happy
Or is it that I got stuck in a dream
Don’t forget Tamwar’s peshwari
We got it from the argy-bargy
It’s the greatest feast there’s ever been
That I’ve ever seen…
That there’s ever been

****

Palik
Bloody hooligans

Brenda
{to Palik}
Are you alright pal

Palik
No I’m bloody not alright…

General
I’m sorry mate, my sister’s lost her head head on that dab you gave her

Palik
So its my fault is it – I never asked her for a bloody blow job – just get out my restaurant, yeah

Brenda
Look, man, we’re really sorry

Palik
Whatever – don’t come back yeah

Exit Brenda, Tristan – exit India gesturing ‘call me’ to Palik


SCENE 4: Constitution Street, Leith

TC is waiting at a bus stop in Leith / Stacey is also waiting

****

PUSSY BUS

TC
I met a girl
She’s gotta get on a bus
She’s gotta get on a bus
She’s going home to her boyfriend

& then she said

Stacey
I wanna come home with you
Because my boyfriend’s mad
Going thro a real bad time

TC
So I said
Lets get on a bus
Lets get on a bus
& get off at my bus stop
So she said

Stacey
I’m gonna come home with you
Yeah im coming with you
Cos I really really like you

Stacey & TC
Lets all ride the pussy bus
Lets all ride the pussy bus

TC
What about your boyfriend I said

Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead

Stacey & TC
Lets take a ride on the pussy bus
Its peace on earth on the pussy bus
Lets take a ride on the pussy
Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus

 

TC
So I’m sat
Yeah I’m sat on a bus
At the back of the bus
With another boy’s girlfriend

Then ouch
I get a smack in the puss
Cos a boy on the bus
He knows this hussy’s boyfriend

Fuck this
I’m gonna get off the bus
I’m gonna get off the bus
& catch the bus behind us

Then the mad bitch follows us off
She follows us off
Cos she wanted to find us

Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus

TC
What about your boyfriend I said

Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead

TC
So I’m back yeah, back in the street
& I look at my feet
& they’re covered in bloodspots
She says,

Stacey
Babe look at the moon
Its playing our tune
I love our new bus-stop

TC
I said mad bitch look at my shoes
Ya proper bad news
There’s blood on my trainers
She says

Stacey
Baby gimme ya shoes
I know what to do
We’ll try a dry cleaners

Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus

TC
Succubus, Succubus, she’s crazy succubus

Stacey
Succubus, Succubus, sucky fucky succubus

Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus

TC
What about your boyfriend I said

Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead

Stacey & TC
Lets take a ride on the pussy bus
Its peace on earth on the pussy bus
Lets take a ride on the pussy
Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus

****

Stacey
So whats your name

TC
They call me TC

Stacey
TC? Nice, I’m Sta-cey – TC & Stacey, Cagney & Lacey, nice – what ya up to

TC
I’m DJ-ing tonight

Stacey
A DJ – cool – can I come

TC
{shaking head}
I’m not gonna be able to stop you am I?

Stacey
Nope

TC
Alright then, its at the Mash House

Stacey
Yeah, lets have a mash up down the mash house

TC
So you like a party

Stacey
Do I, I fucking love raving me

TC
You do? me too

Stacey
What kind of music are you playing

TC
Disco

Stacey
Disco, whats that

TC
It’s a bit like house music

Stacey
I prefer techno me – bam-baam-blam-blam-bla-bla-blam—-bam-blam

Exit Stacey bounces off like a duracel bunny – TC follows shaking his head in a confused crush


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


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