PART 2 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY
SCENE 6b: The Mashhouse (continued)
City, Larry the Axe, Lily & Nelson bump into each other
Larry the Axe
How ya doing Lillian! Nice to see ya darlin’
Lily
You too Larry… you’re looking good
Larry The Axe
I’m feelin’ good
Lily
{embracing City}
Alright babe
City
Glad ya could make it… who’s this ray of sunshine
Lily
He... is with me
City
Does he have a name?
Nelson
I certainly do. I’m Nelson, nice to meet you
{Nelson & City shake hands}
City
Ooo! Such strong hands – where’ve you been hiding this one, Lily
Lily
We’ve only just met, but its going really well
Larry
I’m Larry, mate, Larry the Axe, & this is my fiance Felicity
Nelson
Nice one, nice to meet yas
Larry
Likewise – so lets get this party started shall we – who wants a drink
Lily
I’ll have a G&T please
Nelson
I’ll give you a hand mate, lets do some bonding
City
Pernod & coke babe…. by the way, Nelson, do call me City… y’know cities never sleep, & I can keep going all night
Larry
{exiting with Nelson}
Sorry aboot that – she gets a wee bit excitable does mah lassie
Lily
Oi – hands off – you’re supposed to be engaged
City
Sorry, I’m coming up on half a pill, you know what I’m like
Lily
No worries honey – got any more
City
I don’t actually, I was hoping to catch TC
{Enter TC putting his arms round Lily & City}
TC
Yo-yo-yo ladies, thanks for coming down – the pair of ya are looking absolutely ravishing as always –so, is there anything I can do you for
Lily
Got any pills
TC
Obviously – here you, go there’s 10 in there, giz 60 & they’re yours
Lily
{to City}
Have you got 30 quid
City
I owe you a tenner from last time remember,
Lillian
O yeah
City
Heres 40 from me TC
Lily
& here’s the other 20
TC
Pleasure doing business ladies – I shall see you two on the dancefloor – looking down from my cool fucking DJ booth
Lily
It’s sounding good
TC
Cheers – I’ve got some proper bangers in the bank
Lily
Nice one
TC
Talking of which, there’s one coming up now, I’d better…
Exit TC
Lily
He’s such a wi-do that guy
City
Innit
Enter Nelson & Larry the Axe with drinks
Larry
Here ya go
City
Cheers babe
Lily
Nice one Larry
City
{handing out pills}
& weve got a little something for you
Nelson
Where d’ya get them from
Lily
You just missed TC
Nelson
Good!
City
Alright guys – to a top fucking night
Larry
Lets have it
They all down a pill
Lily
Right – lets fuckin’ boogie
GOOD TIME GIRL
Nelson
I’m a man you’re a woman
& a woman & a man gotta make a plan
In the frying pan
I see you comin along
With yer legs so long
In a full ensemble
I’m a man you’re a woman &
& a woman & a man gotta make a plan
When the plan demands
I’m standin’ singing my song
Coming along
Cos I know that I want ya
You’re a good time, a good time girl
& thats the kind I like-a right now, now
Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on her mind
Lily
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on my mind
Lily dances with Hamish who moves away from Katie & Krissie
Nelson
Im a friend & a lover & a lover is a friend
When ya sensing tension on the floor
I see you slippin the twirl & trippin the girl
They used to be after
When a man sees a vision & a vision sees a man
Its a mission if the competition grows
I see ya playin’ the star
Baby you are the belle of the baftas
You’re a good time, a good time girl
& thats the kind I like-a right now, now
Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on her mind
Lily
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on my mind
Lily
I know I’ll get a good good time
Because a good time is on my mind x 2
Yeayyeye –
Nelson
Shes so good lookin, im lovin’ my good time girl (repeat)
SCENE 7: The Ladies Toilets
The ladies toilet – Krissie & Katie are doing their make up & hair while queuing for a cubicle
Katie
What do you think
Krissie
You look great babe
{pointing to her make-up}
Just a little bit more here & it’ll be perfect
Katie
You know a mirror can only see so much – its essential to have an honest girlfriend with ya on a night out
Krissie
It’s a wicked buzz tonight
Katie
But Tinky Disco, what the fuck does that mean
Krissie
Dunno – but it kinda fits, especilly with that dodgy gadgie TC on the decks
Katie
He’s cute tho
Stacey leaves her cubicle – stares the girls down
Stacey
Boo!
Katie
Charming
Krissie
What a barnpot!
Katie
Anyway, you go in first, it looks like you’re busting
Krissie
Thanks – I am – will you do my dress for me, its too tight
Katie
I don’t know why you put on such baffling outfiits Krissie– I mean they look great, but are completely impracticle
Krissie
Cheers – I wont be long
Enter Brenda looking for India
Brenda
India?
India
I’m in here
Brenda
You alright?
India
I’m just having a pee
Brenda drops her bag, bends down to pick it up & sees a needle wrapper on the floor of India’s cubicle
Brenda
Oi, India, what are you up to in there
India
I’m having a pee, leave me alone
Brenda
Are you a diabetic or summat
India
No
Brenda
Well why are you dropping needle packaging on the floor
India
Ehm
Brenda
I know exactly what youre doing – it’s a fucking mugs game love
{to Katie}
Sorry about this
Katie
Is she a smack head?
Brenda
Think so… come on India, its not worth it, you’ll ruin yer life on that stuff
India
Away ‘n’ bile yer heid
Katie
What’s she called
Brenda
India
Katie
Hey India – smackupuncture’s not cool babe, especially in a nightclub, its rude
A sustained silence – Krissie leaves the cubicle
Brenda
India, come on out, we can talk about it, trust me, I’ve been there, let me help you out
India flushes the loo then exits the cubicle & gives Brenda a hug
Brenda
That’s the first step darlin, well done, now listen up
***
TINKY DISCO SAVED THE JUNKIE
Brenda
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
I see you headin down that track
That shit is worse than a heart attack
It kills you & your friends yeah
Don’t shoot that shit into your arm
That shit is gonna do you harm
Don’t shoot that shit into your legs
You’ll end up hobbling round on pegs
With the gutter dregs
Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky
Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey
Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky
Katie, Krissie, Brenda
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
You aint no joker in the pack
You’ll soon be choking on your back
The bullshit never ends yeah
Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes
That shit’s the devil in disguise
Don’t shoot that shit into your veins
You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains
& your grandma hangs her head in shame
Katie
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
You aint no joker in the pack
You’ll soon be choking on your back
The bullshit never ends yeah
Krissie
Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes
That shit’s the devil in disguise
Don’t shoot that shit into your veins
You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains
Brenda
& your grandma hangs her head in shame
Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky
Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey
Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky
Katie, Krissie, Brenda
Tinky Disco saved a junkie
Enter Lily
Lily
Chennai
Shanghai
Moscow
Rio de janero
Jo-berg
Saint Petersburg
Helsinki
Y’all keepin it tinky
Glasgow
Chicago
Tirana
Espanola
Bolton
Haddington
San Francisco
Lets all have a disco
Brenda
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
I see you headin down that track
That shit’s worse than a heart attack
It kills you & your friends yeah
Lily
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
To get that monkey off your back
Just chuck that monkey in a sack
& let the fucker drown
Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky
Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey
Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky
Katie, Krissie, Brenda, Lily
Tinky Disco saved a junkie
***
India
I’m hearing ya, girls, I really am,
Krissie
Listen to her – shes a good friend
Katie
Its not worth it – anyway, see you on the dance floor girls
Exit Katie & Krissie
Lily
Taking heroin is like getting stuck down a rabbit hole, doll –
Brenda
& it aint no wonderland down there, trust me
India
You’re right – im just a bit misguided sometimes
Lily
Look, let’s chop some uppers out –I’ve got a wee coke & ecstasy cocktail that’ll put a kick in yer grove
India
OK cool
Lily
Brenda, you in
Brenda
If you don’t mind
Lily
Course not –would you mind stepping into my office ladies
City, Brenda & Lily enter the cubicle laughing
THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO
“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”
Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen
