Timewarpin’: Intro – Scene 1a


PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


INTRO

& so its time to say hello
I hope that you’ll enjoy the show
Gather round into the sound
But not if youve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin straight from the hip
So come on get a grip
Of the song as it slips from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our laud us at our play


SCENE 1: The General’s Flat

The General is at home playing his X-Box Live (italics for when he’s shouting at the screen) / Enter Brenda

Brenda
Alright babe… I said alright babe

General
Are you taking the piss, are you actually taking the piss
Hey honey – how was work

Brenda
As lousy as ever, I’m absolutely knackered, I can’t believe I’ve got to go out again in an hour – I really dont know how long I can keep this up for Larry

General
I’ve made you ya tea by the way

Brenda
O darlin’, – what is it, im starving

General
There’s a pot noodle & a wagon wheel on the side

Brenda
A pot noodle!?

General
It’s a Bombay Badboy – its yer favorite

Brenda
Thanks

General
You couldnt make us a cup of tea while the kettles on, could ya
They’re down there, behind that building, can’t you see them ya muppet

Brenda begins to make the tea / pot noodle

Brenda
Have you had any luck today

General
Nah, we still cant get past level six

Brenda
Not on ya stupid wank-box, I meant about getting a job

General
But babe – its Saturday

Brenda
I know its a fucking Saturday – its my double shift day – I’ve just done a morning down LIdl & now I’ve got 5 minutes to get changed & get down the chippy for seven hours – it was easier being a busker – you havent even washed up, you said you’d do it

General
Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it tonight — O baby

Brenda
Yeah

General
You couldnt lend us forty quid could ya

Brenda
Forty quid! How ya gonna pay me back

General
Its my giro on Monday

Brenda
What do you want it for

General
There’s a tournament on tonight down Diane’s Pool Hall

Brenda
It’s been 3 months since you won any money at pool

General
Exactly, my looks bound to change sooner or later right
Get in there, yes, come on, quality control!

Brenda
So basically, I’m out earning money while you’re blowing it on pool & beer –

General
Its an investment babe – mate
What are you doing, keep up, fer fucks sake
Do you not love me anymore

Brenda
Less & less each day, mate

***

BIG FAT DREAMER

While singing Brenda makes pot noodle, gets changed, makes Larry his tea, puts forty quid on the table

Ya just a big fat dreamer sat on ya ass all day
Stuck on ya couch that is where ya gonna stay
Ya just a big fat dreamer wastin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies
Don’t let life pass ya by
Just get on top & say goodbye
To your nice settee

Ya just a big time dreamer addicted to Home & Away
Smoking big fat reefers chained to a rolling tray
Ya just a big time dreamer dreamin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies…

Where you can take yer girl & maybe get a little action
Don’t let life pass ya by Just get on top & sacrifice
Ya really nice settee I know its nice & comfy
But turn off MTV & see how things could be
Why don’t ya take a stroll in the early morning
Sail a boat to a Spanish island
Join a book club, cook some good grub
Change ya ways & range ya style
Cos ya the best boy I’ve ever fell for
Now ya more of a bedtime stranger
This whole life that weve dreamt & planned for
Is now cursed with a certain danger
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away….

 

***

General
What was all that about – is it evil week or summat?

Brenda
Prick!!

Brenda storms out

***

MODERN MAN

General
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Well I’ve bin cruising with the cool crew to the music in our minds
We’ve bin wastin all our money on a marathon of lines
We’ve been foolin with the floozies & the ladies of the night
& we all get fuckin wasted cos it makes us feel alright

Who’d wanna be a workin man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed-up money maker
Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off spendin life on the dole

Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Enter Shannon who strips The General & ties him to a chair

It was a bad day for a hangover it was a Satday afternoon
Well my mistress came on over & she was synched up to the moon
{enter Brenda}
& then my girlfriend finished work early quite unexpectedly
& she found my mistress in her bed doing fucked up things to me

Who’d wanna be a modern man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed up money maker
Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off spendin life on the dole
I’d be better off playing rock & roll

Who are ya foolin x 4


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

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