Alibi: Scene 3 – 4


PART 1 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


 

SCENE 3 – The New Bongo Club

Nightclub – there is a bar, a bouncer & a dance floor / Lily, Sally & Ally sharing a tequila with General

***

MUMBO JUMBO

All
Stevie Austin, we thought we’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston x 3

Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

General
Down on the dance floor, I couldn’t find mi dealer
Want to entrance more, so I bought some tequila
When you feel flakey, honey,
Shakey, shakey, shake yer money
There’s one thing’ll heal ya – that’s a shot of tequila!

Raver
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TEQUILA!

All
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

Enter TC & Nelson

TC
Well mi name is TC, I’m on a smart E
Lookin’ for a bangin’, phat girlie
The Tiger Cubs are ripping up the club
& everybody’s tripping to the woo-woo
Its Stevie Austin, they thought they’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston
Top banana, hot love karma,
Nelson’s looking chuff’d
Cause I took him to the club where all the
Mumbo Jumbo kids are coming up
& as the bouncer’s getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

TC
Welcome to the Bongo club brother, whaddaya reckon

Nelson
Fuckin’ tops, there’s nothing like this in my hometown

TC
Yeah, all handbag house & happy slappers down your way – welcome to paradise – I mean – have you ever seen such quality tottie

Nelson
Only on the telly

TC
Trust me, mate, most of em are available,
know what I mean?

General
Yo TC, long time no see, where’v ya bin

TC
Got stuck in a lift mate

General
Did ya? Anyway am I glad to see you

TC
Why whats up

General
The clubs dry, pal, everyone’s necked their pills, the dealers are nowhere to be seen & we’ve finished off the house tequila – even the legal highs are illegal these days – since them SNP got in power it’s bin proper hard to get off you face – please tell me yer packing summat TC?

TC
Not really, I could spare you a bit of billy

General
Nah, I don’t touch the devi’ls dandruff mate, me & just about everyone else in the the club’s lookin for ecstasy

TC
Sorry mate, can’t help ya

General
Nah worries, nuff respect

TC
Respect… yo, Nelson, I’d like to introduce you to a good friend of mine… Nelson, meet the Cool Pool General, the best hustler in Scotland

Nelson
Nice to meet ya

General
Likewise… say TC, you goin’ down the hall later, pocket a few balls?

TC
We’ll see what the night brings eh

General
Hopefully one of those pretty little lovebirds over there – wish me luck, I’m going in

General goes off dancing

TC
You know Nelson, I think I might have spotted a small business opportunity
<gets out phone>
Yo, Charlie, any chance of scorin a hundred o those Dutch eccies…. how much…. you in now… right, I’ll be there in twenty minutes…
<hangs up phone>
Yo Nelson mate, I’m just off on a little mission, look after mi stash will ya

TC gets bag out of underpants / Nelson holds bag as if to say – uuugh thats been down your pants

TC
I got good vibes about you, son – I know a trustworthy geezer when I see one – there’s a few grammes of charlie in there, & a bit of weed – after the rave ya can crash at mine – we’re all set for a bangin’ night – but, if ya fancy skinnin’ up, whatever you do be discreet – the bouncers are proper tight round these parts, but it’s the punters ya got to worry about the most, they’ll pounce on ya like a pack of volossur raptors – anyway, gotta fly – laters

Exit TC – Nelson looks in bag – finds a corner & begins to skin up – one by one the chorus (Lily, Sally, Ally & the General) notice him & flock around

***

FLIPSIDE OVER EASY

Chorus
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Bouncer
I’m a bouncer down the Mumbo Jumbo
Ya fuckt up in the head my son,
If you light that up I’m gonna do you over
For messin around in my joint!

Nelson
Hey chill, man chill, lets split this pill,
There’s plenty of time fer that
When you’re a free man!
I’m gonna skin up here if I have to,
I’m gonna skin up whenever I want to,
I’m gonna skin up right in yer face man,
I’m gonna skin up in yer home-boys place &
I’m gonna pass it on to all my friends,
Who are Flipside Over Easy x3

Flipside Over Easy, inside-out & round & round,
This way, that-a-way,
Any which way that I’m wantin to go,
I’m back-to-front, I’m comin up,

Bouncer
Ya goin down…

Chorus
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Girls
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

General
I remember when I carry
Ten bags of mari-mari
But I smoked it til it was dead
I didn’t have a reefer to ease my head
Yes you don’t know what I need
You don’t know what I need
I need some weed

Harmony 1
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Harmony 2
Aaaaahhhhh….

Harmony 3
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

Nelson lights up spliff & Bouncer drags him off


 

SCENE 4 – In the street outside club

Nelson is thrown out of the club

Nelson
Let us back in mate

Bouncer
Look, fuck off

Nelson
Did you go to nobhead school or summat, come on let us back in, man

Bouncer
You’re definitely not coming in now

Nelson
Whats that?

Nelson points to imaginary plan & tries to run in but is thrown out again

Nelson
Woah-woah- woah- what ya doin- do you know who I am

Bouncer
Yeah I know who you are, ya barr’d, now fuck off

Nelson
It was only a wee spliff – mate, cmon let us back in

Bouncer
House regulations lad – theres a Dub night on down Cabaret Voltaire tonight – they turn a blind eye to that ganja stuff – you may get away with it there, but not in here, not get yourself out

Nelson
But…

Lily exits club – Nelson looks at her ass & falls in love straight away

Bouncer
…& don’t come back

***

BLONDE GIRLS

Nelson
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Cos it makes me go weak at the knees
Your posterior is shakin up my area
Im beggin yer darlin let me touch it please

Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
That’s the best ass I’ve ever seen
& your posterior is shakin up my area
Im beggin yer darlin let me kiss your booty clean

Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Because brunettes are better in the winter
God damn it everythin’ gonna get in the spring
& in autumn those auburns are better
But in summertime those blonde girls
Well they’re my thing

Blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Lily
Nice song… whats your name

Nelson
Prince Nelson the Fourth

Lily
A prince eh

Nelson
Yep thats me

Lily
Well, your highness, I’m Lily

Nelson
Honoured

Lily
I saw you get kicked out of the club… that’s no way to treat royalty… hard lines

Nelson
Yeah, just for a wee spliff, n’all… so darlin, where’s such a radiant angel like yourself off to all on her lonesome

Lily
I thought I’d go home, the clubs dry

Nelson
I’ve got a couple of pills on me

Lily
You have? You dont have any coke as well, by any chance

Nelson
Coke, nah… wait-waitaminute, what was I thinkin, of course I do, I got loads of the stuff

Lily
Fancy havin a… session… at mine

Nelson
You got any booze

Lily
One of my mates, a barmaid down the Pond, she usually sell us some under the counter if I’m stuck

Nelson
Wicked, lets get a few bottles of pricey bubbly in, I’m payin baby – TAXI!!

Exit Lily & Nelson – General arrives

General
Yo mate, you haven’t seen a blonde girl have ya, she had an ass like an angel

Bouncer
Aye

General
Which way did she go?

Bouncer
You’re outta luck mate, she just jumped in a taxi with that arsehole I just threw out of here

General
Gutted… say, you don’t have any pills for sale do ya?

Bouncer
I might have… just watch the door a minute while I nip to my car, & whatever you do
DON’T LET ANYONE IN

General
No probs

Exit bouncer / enter two scallys

General
(practicing to himself)
If ya names not down, ya not comin’ in

Enter Gadgie II

Gadgie II
Alright mate, I’m on the guest list

General
Sorry, I cant let ya in til the bouncer gets back

Gadgie II
But I’m reviewing for the Mumble -Damo said I’d be on the guest list

General
I cannae do it – you’re gonna have to wait

Gadgie II
(holding up bag of coke)
How about a line of this

General
Ooo! In you go


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

The world’s leading exponent of Dramatic Blank Verse

***

Articles:

Composing Conchordia, Provence

Composing Conchordia: Vaulting the Lockdown

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