Tinky Disco: Scenes 6b-7


PART 2 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 6b: The Mashhouse (continued)

City, Larry the Axe, Lily & Nelson bump into each other

Larry the Axe
How ya doing Lillian! Nice to see ya darlin’

Lily
You too Larry… you’re looking good

Larry The Axe
I’m feelin’ good

Lily
{embracing City}
Alright babe

City
Glad ya could make it… who’s this ray of sunshine

Lily
He... is with me

City
Does he have a name?

Nelson
I certainly do. I’m Nelson, nice to meet you

{Nelson & City shake hands}

City
Ooo! Such strong hands – where’ve you been hiding this one, Lily

Lily
We’ve only just met, but its going really well

Larry
I’m Larry, mate, Larry the Axe, & this is my fiance Felicity

Nelson
Nice one, nice to meet yas

Larry
Likewise – so lets get this party started shall we – who wants a drink

Lily
I’ll have a G&T please

Nelson
I’ll give you a hand mate, lets do some bonding

City
Pernod & coke babe…. by the way, Nelson, do call me City… y’know cities never sleep, & I can keep going all night

Larry
{exiting with Nelson}
Sorry aboot that – she gets a wee bit excitable does mah lassie

Lily
Oi – hands off – you’re supposed to be engaged

City
Sorry, I’m coming up on half a pill, you know what I’m like

Lily
No worries honey – got any more

City
I don’t actually, I was hoping to catch TC

{Enter TC putting his arms round Lily & City}

TC
Yo-yo-yo ladies, thanks for coming down – the pair of ya are looking absolutely ravishing as always –so, is there anything I can do you for

Lily
Got any pills

TC
Obviously – here you, go there’s 10 in there, giz 60 & they’re yours

Lily
{to City}
Have you got 30 quid

City
I owe you a tenner from last time remember,

Lillian
O yeah

City
Heres 40 from me TC

Lily
& here’s the other 20

TC
Pleasure doing business ladies – I shall see you two on the dancefloor – looking down from my cool fucking DJ booth

Lily
It’s sounding good

TC
Cheers – I’ve got some proper bangers in the bank

Lily
Nice one

TC
Talking of which, there’s one coming up now, I’d better…

Exit TC

Lily
He’s such a wi-do that guy

City
Innit

Enter Nelson & Larry the Axe with drinks

Larry
Here ya go

City
Cheers babe

Lily
Nice one Larry

City
{handing out pills}
& weve got a little something for you

Nelson
Where d’ya get them from

Lily
You just missed TC

Nelson
Good!

City
Alright guys – to a top fucking night

Larry
Lets have it

They all down a pill

Lily
Right – lets fuckin’ boogie


GOOD TIME GIRL

Nelson
I’m a man you’re a woman
& a woman & a man gotta make a plan
In the frying pan
I see you comin along
With yer legs so long
In a full ensemble

I’m a man you’re a woman &
& a woman & a man gotta make a plan
When the plan demands
I’m standin’ singing my song
Coming along
Cos I know that I want ya

You’re a good time, a good time girl
& thats the kind I like-a right now, now
Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl

I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on her mind

Lily
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on my mind

 

 

Lily dances with Hamish who moves away from Katie & Krissie

Nelson

Im a friend & a lover & a lover is a friend
When ya sensing tension on the floor
I see you slippin the twirl & trippin the girl
They used to be after

When a man sees a vision & a vision sees a man
Its a mission if the competition grows
I see ya playin’ the star
Baby you are the belle of the baftas

You’re a good time, a good time girl
& thats the kind I like-a right now, now
Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl

I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on her mind

Lily
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on my mind

Lily
I know I’ll get a good good time
Because a good time is on my mind x 2
Yeayyeye –

Nelson
Shes so good lookin, im lovin’ my good time girl (repeat)


SCENE 7: The Ladies Toilets

The ladies toilet – Krissie & Katie are doing their make up & hair while queuing for a cubicle

Katie
What do you think

Krissie
You look great babe
{pointing to her make-up}
Just a little bit more here & it’ll be perfect

Katie
You know a mirror can only see so much – its essential to have an honest girlfriend with ya on a night out

Krissie
It’s a wicked buzz tonight

Katie
But Tinky Disco, what the fuck does that mean

Krissie
Dunno – but it kinda fits, especilly with that dodgy gadgie TC on the decks

Katie
He’s cute tho

Stacey leaves her cubicle – stares the girls down

Stacey
Boo!

Katie
Charming

Krissie
What a barnpot!

Katie
Anyway, you go in first, it looks like you’re busting

Krissie
Thanks – I am – will you do my dress for me, its too tight

Katie
I don’t know why you put on such baffling outfiits Krissie– I mean they look great, but are completely impracticle

Krissie
Cheers – I wont be long

Enter Brenda looking for India

Brenda
India?

India
I’m in here

Brenda
You alright?

India
I’m just having a pee

Brenda drops her bag, bends down to pick it up & sees a needle wrapper on the floor of India’s cubicle

Brenda
Oi, India, what are you up to in there

India
I’m having a pee, leave me alone

Brenda
Are you a diabetic or summat

India
No

Brenda
Well why are you dropping needle packaging on the floor

India
Ehm

Brenda
I know exactly what youre doing – it’s a fucking mugs game love
{to Katie}
Sorry about this

Katie
Is she a smack head?

Brenda
Think so… come on India, its not worth it, you’ll ruin yer life on that stuff

India
Away ‘n’ bile yer heid

Katie
What’s she called

Brenda
India

Katie
Hey India – smackupuncture’s not cool babe, especially in a nightclub, its rude

A sustained silence – Krissie leaves the cubicle

Brenda
India, come on out, we can talk about it, trust me, I’ve been there, let me help you out

India flushes the loo then exits the cubicle & gives Brenda a hug

Brenda
That’s the first step darlin, well done, now listen up

***

TINKY DISCO SAVED THE JUNKIE

Brenda
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go

Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
I see you headin down that track
That shit is worse than a heart attack
It kills you & your friends yeah

Don’t shoot that shit into your arm
That shit is gonna do you harm
Don’t shoot that shit into your legs
You’ll end up hobbling round on pegs
With the gutter dregs

Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky

Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey

Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky

Katie, Krissie, Brenda
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go

Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
You aint no joker in the pack
You’ll soon be choking on your back
The bullshit never ends yeah

Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes
That shit’s the devil in disguise
Don’t shoot that shit into your veins
You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains
& your grandma hangs her head in shame

Katie
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
You aint no joker in the pack
You’ll soon be choking on your back
The bullshit never ends yeah

Krissie
Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes
That shit’s the devil in disguise
Don’t shoot that shit into your veins
You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains

Brenda
& your grandma hangs her head in shame

Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky

Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey

Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky

Katie, Krissie, Brenda
Tinky Disco saved a junkie

 

 

Enter Lily

Lily
Chennai
Shanghai
Moscow
Rio de janero
Jo-berg
Saint Petersburg
Helsinki
Y’all keepin it tinky

Glasgow
Chicago
Tirana
Espanola
Bolton
Haddington
San Francisco
Lets all have a disco

Brenda
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
I see you headin down that track
That shit’s worse than a heart attack
It kills you & your friends yeah

Lily
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
To get that monkey off your back
Just chuck that monkey in a sack
& let the fucker drown

Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky

Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey

Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky

Katie, Krissie, Brenda, Lily
Tinky Disco saved a junkie

***

India
I’m hearing ya, girls, I really am,

Krissie
Listen to her – shes a good friend

Katie
Its not worth it – anyway, see you on the dance floor girls

Exit Katie & Krissie

Lily
Taking heroin is like getting stuck down a rabbit hole, doll –

Brenda
& it aint no wonderland down there, trust me

India
You’re right – im just a bit misguided sometimes

Lily
Look, let’s chop some uppers out –I’ve got a wee coke & ecstasy cocktail that’ll put a kick in yer grove

India
OK cool

Lily
Brenda, you in

Brenda
If you don’t mind

Lily
Course not –would you mind stepping into my office ladies

City, Brenda & Lily enter the cubicle laughing


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


Tinky Disco: Scenes 5-6a


PART 2 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 5: The Mash House

The club is empty – Brooklyn is messin about on the decks / enter TC & Stacey

TC
Yo Brooklyn

Brooklyn
TC, my main man, how ya doin

TC
Ready to rave, pal, ready to rave

Brooklyn
& who’s this little bundle of buzziness?

Stacey
I’m Stacey

Brooklyn
Well hello – I’m Brooklyn, it looks like you’re our first punter of the night

Stacey
I aint payin,’ I’m with him

Brooklyn
But…

TC
Don’t fight it mate, you won’t win

Brooklyn
OK, the more the merrier I suppose

TC
Here’s them pills

Brooklyn
Nice one

TC
That’ll be a twenty-spot please

Brooklyn
Can I give it you at the end of the night, along with your fee

TC
Fucks sake

Brooklyn
You’ll get your money, don’t fret – in the meantime its a free bar for us – there’s a wee fridge behind the decks – whaddaya want – we’ve got cans of lager, cider, there’s even a bottle of tequila

TC
Just a can of lager ta

Stacey
I’ll have a tequila

Brooklyn
I can’t find any ices & slices

Stacey
I prefer it straight, its fine, just give me the bottle

Brooklyn
Whatever… here’s yours TC

TC
Thank you very much

TC & Brooklyn open & chink their cans / Stacey starts swigging the tequila

Brooklyn
So here are the decks, yeah – top quality technics – the bass is buzzing

TC
Buzzin

Brooklyn
I meant booming, proper in your guts stuff

TC
I’ll put a record on, then, check it out

Stacey
{singing}
One tequila two tequila three tequila four
Five tequila six tequila, watcha waiting for
Six tequila, seven tequila, eight tequila more
Nine tequila, ten tequila, then you hit the floor

Brooklyn
She’s off her head, her

TC
I don’t mind, I like the feisty ones

Brooklyn
Feisty! She’s a borderline roaster!

TC
{putting on a record}
That sounds absolutely bangin – that top end is tiop niotch

Brooklyn
It certainly is – you ready to go

TC
Easy

Brooklyn
OK, I’ll start letting them in – see you on the flipside brother


SCENE 6a: The Mash House (continued)

T.D.S

TC
Check it, check it, check it

Phew, phew got nuffin to do
Just an egg macmuffin hat attitude
Gonna put on some random records
& get down to the groove

Friends, friends followin trends
I heard miss disco’s making amends
She gotta damn foxy symphony
She gonna sing that song for you

Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O
Freaky Superfly Disco Show
Down at the Tinky Disco
Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on

You’ve got to find your vibe
You got to share your high

Stacey
Fucked up, big it up
Got the pills & the files & they’re backed up
I’m a pretty little buttercup
In my summer top all see thro sequinfied
Dont stop rev it up
Whatv ya got tip top on yer laptop
Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide
Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide
Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide

Enter Hamish, Krissie & Kate

 

 

 

 

TC
Hi! Hi! Call from Mumbai
I’ve never heard nuttin like this guy’s
Gonna ring round the company
They gonna get down to the groove

Flow, flow, kinky Kyoto
She lettin’ it hang & lettin it grow
Gotta facebook her friends
& set their statuses to you

Enter Larry the Axe & City

Down at the T-I-N-K-Y D-I-S-C-O
Freaky Superfly Disco Show
Down at the Tinky Disco
Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on

You’ve got to find your tribe
You got to share your style

Well I’m the real TC thats me
I aint your normal form of MC
I’m a true groove buster voodel chile
Ripping it max with lots of style

I’m Scotland’s top hip-hot outfit
Lyrical bandit doing my bit
Musical genius jammin guitar
Hear the new disco wherever you are, yeah

We’re never gonna let the weekend stop
We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop

Enter Nelson & Lily

Nelson
It’s the Tinky Disco
It’s the Tinky Disco
It’s the Tinky Disco
It’s the Tinky Disco

Lily
I put on my dancing shoes
My soul it glows like a glitterball
These neon lights they shine for me & you
Lets his the floor my friend
Gonna dip trip slide until the party ends
This Tinky Disco sets me free

Enter The General, Brenda & India

TC
Hands, hands, show me those hands
We’re dancing naked down on the sands
Gotta wee foxy flavour & a fist of fireflies
Crawl, crawl, walk or you’ll fall
The tides gone out the towers are tall
There’s a full moon approaching
& its time to phantasize

Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O
Freaky Superfly Disco Show
Down at the Tinky Disco
Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on

We’re never gonna let the weekend stop
We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


Tinky Disco: Scenes 3-4

>


PART 2 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 3: An Indian Restaurant in Leith

Enter the General, Brenda & India – Palik is is the waiter

Palik
Welcome, table for three

Brenda
Yes please

Palik
This way…

General
Thank you

India
Ooo, its nice in here innit

General
It’s the best restaurant in Leith this, for many reasons

Palik
Would you like any drinks

General
I’ll have a lager… Brenda

Brenda
Same

General
India?

India
I’ll have a white wine please

Palik
No problems be back in a minute

General
Ooo & Palik

Palik
Yes

General
Could we have the poppadom special for starters

Palik
Good choice, sir, good choice

The party take their seats

India
So nice to meet ya Brenda, Tristan’s told me so much about you

Brenda
Tristan?

India
Yeah, Tristan, my brother

General
Ehm, I forget to mention that

Brenda
Tristan! Tristan & Brenda

India
Yes it’s a little incongruous isnt it

Brenda
You what?

India
Incongruous… Never mind…. Brenda, Tristan & I, well, we come from a certain privileged background

Brenda
So you’re posh then, babe

General
Ehm

India
Our family is…   Tristan’s the black sheep, doesn’t want to conform, do you darlin’

General
There’s more to life than buggary & polo

India
You do know that the flat you’re sharing was paid for by mother

General
She bought you one too

Brenda
Alright, alright, calm, down you two – you’ve only just met up – I don’tcare what your name is, who your parents are & whether you own your flat or nae, I fucking love you General

They embrace

India
Ah, aint that sweet

General
So you’re up for coming out with us later

India
Yeah, why not, what happening

General
A mate of ours is putting on a disco night

India
Ooo… I love a bit of disco

General
Well, one of the reasons why this is the best restaurant in Leith is that they do a little side-line in bingo

Brenda
What, someone didn’t flush the toilet, it’s a dirty loo, thirty two

General
No, not that kind of bingo,
{imitates snorting coke}
Bingo-bingo… & it’s the proper stuff n’all –

Brenda
You can also get some right nice afghan black, blows yer head right off,

General
& a bit of speed on Tuesdays

Palik returns
Here’s your drinks & here’s the poppadom special – just come in today

****

POPPADOM

Brenda
Have a dab o that says Abbadabbadis
To Mister Tristan Poppadopalous

India
Whats this

Brenda
Says Tristan’s sister
Tristan says

Tristan
Its got a little twist

All
Pom, pom… lets pop a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… we all love a poppadom

Palik
Dont forget the mango chutney
Its imported up from Putney
Makes the chicken balti taste supreme
Mountains of bombay tatties
Basmati rice chapattis
Its the greatest feast I’ve ever seen

 

 

India
Your spice is pretty damn nice

Brenda
Tristan’s sister tells Abbadabadis
Then gets him in the kitchen
& asks him

India
Can I have a little kiss

All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…

Palik
Don’t forget the lamb jalfrezi
It’s the kind that’s sends you crazy
Then again its gets stuck in your teeth
Don’t forget the shami kebabs
They’re the one everyone has
But you gotta taste it to believe

All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…

Tristan
What yer suckin that fer, what the the fuck is this

Brenda
Hiss’d pissed off Tristan to his little sis

India
That chutney made me horny

Brenda
Abbadabadis got battered with a fist

All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…

Brenda
Don’t forget the sweet bang lassi
It’s the kind that sends you happy
Or is it that I got stuck in a dream
Don’t forget Tamwar’s peshwari
We got it from the argy-bargy
It’s the greatest feast there’s ever been
That I’ve ever seen…
That there’s ever been

****

Palik
Bloody hooligans

Brenda
{to Palik}
Are you alright pal

Palik
No I’m bloody not alright…

General
I’m sorry mate, my sister’s lost her head head on that dab you gave her

Palik
So its my fault is it – I never asked her for a bloody blow job – just get out my restaurant, yeah

Brenda
Look, man, we’re really sorry

Palik
Whatever – don’t come back yeah

Exit Brenda, Tristan – exit India gesturing ‘call me’ to Palik


SCENE 4: Constitution Street, Leith

TC is waiting at a bus stop in Leith / Stacey is also waiting

****

PUSSY BUS

TC
I met a girl
She’s gotta get on a bus
She’s gotta get on a bus
She’s going home to her boyfriend

& then she said

Stacey
I wanna come home with you
Because my boyfriend’s mad
Going thro a real bad time

TC
So I said
Lets get on a bus
Lets get on a bus
& get off at my bus stop
So she said

Stacey
I’m gonna come home with you
Yeah im coming with you
Cos I really really like you

Stacey & TC
Lets all ride the pussy bus
Lets all ride the pussy bus

TC
What about your boyfriend I said

Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead

Stacey & TC
Lets take a ride on the pussy bus
Its peace on earth on the pussy bus
Lets take a ride on the pussy
Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus

 

TC
So I’m sat
Yeah I’m sat on a bus
At the back of the bus
With another boy’s girlfriend

Then ouch
I get a smack in the puss
Cos a boy on the bus
He knows this hussy’s boyfriend

Fuck this
I’m gonna get off the bus
I’m gonna get off the bus
& catch the bus behind us

Then the mad bitch follows us off
She follows us off
Cos she wanted to find us

Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus

TC
What about your boyfriend I said

Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead

TC
So I’m back yeah, back in the street
& I look at my feet
& they’re covered in bloodspots
She says,

Stacey
Babe look at the moon
Its playing our tune
I love our new bus-stop

TC
I said mad bitch look at my shoes
Ya proper bad news
There’s blood on my trainers
She says

Stacey
Baby gimme ya shoes
I know what to do
We’ll try a dry cleaners

Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus

TC
Succubus, Succubus, she’s crazy succubus

Stacey
Succubus, Succubus, sucky fucky succubus

Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus

TC
What about your boyfriend I said

Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead

Stacey & TC
Lets take a ride on the pussy bus
Its peace on earth on the pussy bus
Lets take a ride on the pussy
Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus

****

Stacey
So whats your name

TC
They call me TC

Stacey
TC? Nice, I’m Sta-cey – TC & Stacey, Cagney & Lacey, nice – what ya up to

TC
I’m DJ-ing tonight

Stacey
A DJ – cool – can I come

TC
{shaking head}
I’m not gonna be able to stop you am I?

Stacey
Nope

TC
Alright then, its at the Mash House

Stacey
Yeah, lets have a mash up down the mash house

TC
So you like a party

Stacey
Do I, I fucking love raving me

TC
You do? me too

Stacey
What kind of music are you playing

TC
Disco

Stacey
Disco, whats that

TC
It’s a bit like house music

Stacey
I prefer techno me – bam-baam-blam-blam-bla-bla-blam—-bam-blam

Exit Stacey bounces off like a duracel bunny – TC follows shaking his head in a confused crush


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


Tinky Disco: Scenes 1-2


PART 2 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 1: Leith

TC is having a one-man rave

*****

FOOL

Charlie’s House, Albert Street

TC
Well I went on down to my dealer’s house
To score a little exstasi, he said,

Charlie
I’m cuttin mi own throat,
They’re cheap at twice the price y’see

TC
I said, yer try all yer like
But yer’ll never make a fool outta me.

The Moustrap, Leith Walk

TC
Then I strutted into the Mousetrap
Met a Rasta dress’d like Bob Marley, he said

Rasta
Y’all want some skunk weed

TC
But it smelt like it were pot pouri
I said yer try all yer like
but yer’ll never make a fool outta me.
Wherever I am, wherever I go,
I’m always the one who sez I told yer so
& yer might jus’ get one over on mi next time!

 

Salamander Street, Leith

So I met this chick & we hit the streets
Jumped in the cube of an uber taxi,
He drove us home where he tried ter treble up the fee,
I said, yer try all yer like
but yer’ll never make a fool outta me.

Well we drank some wine, feelin fine, snortin lines,
She said,

Married Woman
Boy yer lookin fuckin sexy,
But hurry up sunshine
Mi husband’ll be home at three

TC
I said, yer try all yer like
but yer’ll never make a fool outta me.

Streets of Leith

TC
Wherever I am, wherever I go,
I’m always the one who sez I told yer so
& yer might jus’ get one over on mi next time!

So I dabbed some coke rolled a smoke put on mi coat
Hit the city streets whistlin’ tunes to the moon
Stroll down the hill comin’ down on mi pill til the next time

***


SCENE 2: TC’s Flat

TC is just kicking back with a tinny – there’s a furious knocking at his door

TC
Hello

Brooklyn
TC, its me, DJ Brooklyn, let us in

{TC opens the door}

TC
What do you want

Brooklyn
That’s no way to greet an old pal

TC
You’re right, sorry, how ya diddlin’

Brooklyn
Not too bad, Not too bad, but I’ve got myself in a bit of a fix

TC
You’re always in a bit of a fix, what is it this time?

Brooklyn
I need your help mate

TC
You still owe me £200 from the last time I helped you out

Brooklyn
Oh yeah, sorry about that, I’ll add it to your fee

TC
My fee?

Brooklyn
Yeah – I need somebody coche to DJ down the Mash House tonight, I cannae get anybody else decent enough on the decks that I can trust, they’re all booked up, you’re my last hope

TC
How much

Brooklyn
Well, including that 200 quid, it’ll be, ehm, 500 altogether

TC
Yeah, alright then, what’s the gig?

Brooklyn
Disco

TC
Disco!

Brooklyn
Yep

TC
Disco’s dead mate

Brooklyn
It can’t be that dead, there’s a load of punters have bought tickets for this gig tonight – there’s a coach load coming from Dumfries – anyways, I’ve only just gone & had a phone call from the band saying their bus has broken down with smoke fuckin’ coming out the engine somewhere near Chelmsford

TC
What band’s that

Brooklyn
The Silver Strobes – a disco band – I don’t wanna cancel, so I’m thinking if we can play some decent disco records & the punters won’t even bother about the band not being there, they’ll be too busy roller-skating all over the place underneath a fuckin’glitter ball

TC
I might have a couple of tunes somewhere I could dig out – wait a sec, lets have a look

***

DISCO GOLD

TC
You’ve took the trouble
To cook up a plan
Lets dig for disco gold

I’ve got the shovel
So pick up the pan
Lets dig for disco gold

I’ve got the silver
You’ve got the glitter glory
But where’s the disco gold

Stay funky brother
& when we’re hunky dory
We’ll find that disco gold

Its been {years since 1977} years
Since ‘I Feel Love’
Or so I’m told
We’re gonna dig for disco gold

Brooklyn
Whether stranded in Warsaw
At ya Grandad’s in France
Lets dig for disco gold

TC
We can all hit the dance floor
& learn how to prance
Diggin that disco gold

Brooklyn
Come on & take out the silence
& break down those walls
to find the disco gold

 

TC
Come on & dig out the diamonds
That shine in your souls
Cos thats the disco gold

Its been {years since 1977} years
Since ‘I Feel Love’
Or so I’m told
We’re gonna dig for disco gold

Brooklyn
Its been {???} years
Since I was born
But I don’t feel old
Because I dig my disco gold

***

Brooklyn
Those’ll fuckin do, nice one TC

TC
Yeah, I got this, should be a cinch – I might even lay some MC-ing down over the dancier bits – could be hoot

Brooklyn
If it keeps ‘em happy, why not

TC
It needs a name, tho’

Brooklyn
Well, something to do with Disco obviously, something cool sounding, kinky like, yeah that works, Kinky Disco….

TC
Nah

Brooklyn
What about Slinky Disco

TC
Nearly… wait, I got it

Brooklyn
What, what is it?

TC
Tinky Disco!

Brooklyn
Yeah, I like it, & very apt

TC
Damn straight, tinky as fuck me, & proud of it

Brooklyn
I’ll see you down there, sound checks at nine

TC
Here you are, take my records in your car will ya – I’m gonna need to get a few more pills in, & the vinyl’ll slow me down

Brooklyn
Sure… get four in for us will ya – I’ll be double dunting and & a couple for any hot ladies I might happen to meet tonight

TC
No sweat – see ya tonight yeah

Brooklyn
Laters – & thanks pal, really appreciate it

Exit Brooklyn

TC
Disco! I fuckin’ hate disco – ah well, in for a penny, in for a … well, for five hundred pounds!
{Phones Charlie}
Yo Charlie
{TC puts his coat on}
I’m gonna need a 100 sweeties or so, I’m DJing tonight
{TC exits house}

Exit TC


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


 

Gilded Balloon On The Coronavirus

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Statement on the Coronavirus outbreak:

Following the UK Government announcement on Monday 16 March 2020 to step up measures to fight the Coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic, we have taken the decision to temporarily close the Gilded Balloon Basement effective immediately. For the moment we are cancelling shows for the next two weeks and will be closely following advice so we can make decisions on shows past the end of March. All Gilded Balloon shows at Glasgow International Comedy Festival have also been cancelled.

Ticket holders for upcoming shows will be contacted over the next few days. We’re a wee team so please be patient with us whilst we make this happen.

We are currently working optimistically towards the Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2020.

In times like these, it’s important to stay positive, and please shop locally where you can to support small businesses in your area.

If you have any concerns or questions, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. We are here and happy to help.

We hope to welcome you back to the Basement soon.

Stay safe,

Team GB x

No Nay Never: Scenes 10b-11


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 10b: A Church in Burnley

Barry is in a major dilemma at the altar – City & Sharon are waiting for him to choose one of them

Barry
You’re right, Sharon, I’m sorry darling, its always been you, of course it has

Sharon
Ah come here you, I forgive you

Sharon & Baz embrace

City
But Baz… wait…

Baz
What do you want City

City
Just hear me out, yeah

Sharon
Oi trollop, you’ve outsayed your welcome, my Baz doesn’t want to listen to anything you’ve got to say

City
He’s gonna wanna hear this

***

MIX IT UP

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up

Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up sweet baby

City
We’re gonna mix it up like crazy

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

Baz
I know that I’ve kinda fallen for you
Don’t wanna waste it, I just gotta taste it

City
I love the way you’ve got nuffin to prove
You’re kinda tasty, your mind amazes me

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up

Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up sweet baby

City
We’re gonna mix it up like crazy

We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

Baz
I know that I’ve kinda fallen for you
Don’t wanna waste it, I just gotta taste it

City
I love the way you’ve got nuffin to prove
You’re kinda tasty, your mind amazes me

Barry
I’ve gobbled up my pride
I’m feelin it inside
You are the one to break my habits

City
I cant believe its true
I cant believe its you
You are the one to make me happy

City & Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

***

Sharon leaves in tears, throwing her ring at Barry – City picks it up, Sharon is followed by her wedding party

Barry
You’re right Felicity – you are my soul mate

City
I told ya

Vicar
So… eh… do you two want to get married instead

City
Do you want to Barry?

Barry
We could do, but, I’m not moving to Edinburgh – you’ll have to stay in Burnley wi’ me

City
I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll live in Burnley… for love

Grandad
Its buzzin’ in Burnley

Gran
She’ll find out in her own time Alfie

City
{to Vicar}
OK, we’re gonna do it

Vicar
It’s a little bit unconventional, but everything is set…
so, do you have the rings

Sharon
Here’s mine – it was mine all along

Mojo
I’m afraid Barry’s ring is off with the other bride

Grandad
Eee-ya, borrow mine for a bit

Barry
Nice one Pops… yeah it fits

Vicar
Whats your name young lady?

City
Felicity Jane Belmarsh

Vicar
So, do you Felicity Jane Belmarsh, take thee, Barry Brogden to be your lawful wedded husband

City
Hold your horses – Brian what – I’m gonna be a what

Jackie
You’re gonna be Brogden lass, you’ll love it

City
Yeah, OK, OK, carry on, as you were

Vicar
& do you, Barry Brogden take, thee Felicity Jane Belmarsh to be your lawful wedded wife

Barry
I do

Vicar
In that case, I declare you both to be man & wife – you may kiss the bride!

Barry & City kiss – everyone cheers


SCENE 10b: The Brogden’s House, Burnley

Grandad, Gran, City, Jackie, Barry & The Don are celebrating Christmas


BROGDEN’S CHRISTMAS

Barry
Grandad’s pinched a turkey
Half-inched it for the family
Lets hope he doesn’t roast it
At 200 degrees

Jackie
Last year yer Granny burnt it
Lets hope this time she’s learnt from it
Dont touch those bloody marys Mam
We’re begging you please

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

The Don
Hang the calendars on the wall

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to one & all

City
Baz nips out fer reefer
My Daddy’s playing Fifa
& Grandad says

Grandad
The queen is look perky this year

Grandad
As Jackie checks on turkey
Gran gets out karaokoe
She’s singing Tina Turner
As we block up each ear

Gran
You’re simply the best!
Better than all the rest,

Grandad
Turn that bloody machine off

Jackie unplugs the karaoke machine

Grandad
Thank god fer that

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Gran
Tinsels glistening

Jackie
On the tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the Family

Barry
Merry, merry, merry Christmas
You’re looking so delicious
I want to give you kisses
As you give your love to me

Grandad
Merry, merry, merry Christmas
I’m gonna do all the dishes
There’s a honeymoon to Mauritius
Underneath the tinsel tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

City
Blink, ya miss it

Don
& then its gone

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to everyone

key change

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Gran
Tinsels glistening

Jackie
On the tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the Family

Grandad
Merry Christmas everybody

City, Granny, Jackie, Barry
Merry Christmas Grandad


Grandad
& I’d just like to propose a toast – to the newest members of our family – Felicity Brogden

Jackie
& her very lovely father, Don

Don
I fackin love Burnley me

Gran
I beg your pardon

Don
Sorry I get a bit nervous around Norveners

Grandad
Don’t be son, you’re one of us now

Don
That’s what I’m worried abaht – by the way I’m surprised to see you’ve got colour telly up norf

City
Dad!

Don
Sorry treacle, can’t help myself sometimes

Gran
North & South we all bat for the same side

Jackie
& we all listen to the same Queen’s Speech, Nan

Don
I aint watched that since she nobbl’d Lady Di

Grandad
I’m dead chuffed y’know, its about time we had some new Brogden babies round the house

Don
What the bleedin ‘ells a Brogden baby

Barry
& they’ll bleed claret & blue n’all Grandad

Grandad
Aye they will…. what’s your team Donald,

Don
You what?

Grandad
What team do you support, fer the football

Don
Leyton Orient, mate, I’ve got the crest tattooed across my heart – let me show you

As the Don raises his shirt Don Vito bursts in with Maria & Laura holding bulldog at gunpoint

Don Vito
This Burn-ley is a sheeet-hole

Barry
Who the bloody’ ell are you

Don Vito
I am Don Vito & she is my fiance

The Don
{taking three steps towards Don Vito}
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah – I’m afraid, Mr Vito, she was your fiance

Don Vito
{taking three steps towards the Don}
No-no-no-no-no… she ees a-my fiance

The Don
{Walking three steps towards & squaring up with Don Vito}
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah – she…

City
…Has just got married Mr Vito

Don Vito
Married

Barry
Yeah, to me, I’m her husband

Don Vito
You are a dead man walking

Barry
Mr Vito, I’ve heard all bout you two – honestly, the love I have for City is real love – & she loves me – what you two had was more of a business arrangement really

Don Vito
Is this true Felicity, do you love him

Felicity
I do Mr Vito, so much, I’m sorry its all come to this

Don Vito
Va bane va bene – in Italia il cuoro, the heart, e molto importante – you have-a my blessing

Don
Smashing Mr Vito – are you hungry – would you & the girls like some Christmas dinner –

Laura
We would love to try your strange-looking British food

Maria
It does smells very good

Don Vito
Si, we shall stay, grazie molto

Laura
E Buon Natale

Gran
There’s no-one called Natalie here, love

Grandad
Get three extra plates Jackie, they can have it on their knees

Gran
{to Laura & Maria}
Come here girls – so, there’s some turkey in the kitchen, these are yer tatties, these are yer Yorkshire puddings – made em myself I did – this is your cranberry sauce, these are yer pigs in blankets & these are sprouts – do Italians like sprouts

Laura
Sprout? What is sprout?

Don Vito
Bulldog, I am-a sorry for pointing a gun at your head

Bulldog
Nah worries, Mr Vito

Don
Did you have a nice journey up here, Mr Vito

Don Vito
No so much Britain is so cold & a-grey, si, how can you live here in the winter

Don
We just drink our way through it – fancy a lager

Don
Si

Barry
I love you City

City
I love you too Baz, gizza kiss

Banging on the door

Lily
{through the letterbox}
Hello – hello – I need to speak to Felicity – is she there – its urgent

Felicity
Is that you, Lily

Grandad
I’ll get it

Grandad opens the door, in bursts Lily, Brenda, the General, Nelson & TC

Lily
I’m sorry to disturb you on Christmas day & everything

Jackie
{bringing out three plates}
This is less Jesus’ birthday & more the feedin of the bleedin’ five thousand

Grandad
The more the merrier love, there’s room in front o’ fire

Lily
Sorry felicity, but your phone’s been off all day & Don Vito’s in Burnley & he’s looking for you right n… Don Vito!

The Don
It’s alright Lillian, its all sorted

Lily
It is

City
Yep, its all good, relax

Gran
Right, spread yourselves out down there  – Jackie, five more plates, we’ll mek it work

Jackie
You lot are gonna have to use spoons & dishes

Nelson
Fine by me

General
& me

TC
& me

Lily
Yeah, we’ve all skipped our Christmas dinners to save City

City
I’ve been saved… by Barry, come here you

City & Barry kiss

TC
That smells gorgeous by the way

Gran
Ee-ya grandad, youre gonna have to give back some of them roast potatoes

Grandad
Never!

Enter Jackie with five plates – Enter Mojo & Peanut

Mojo
Merry Christmas !!

Peanut
What the!!

Jackie
Oh my days!

Baz
Alright lads

Mojo
Have you finished

Grandad
We havent even bloody started yet

Gran
We’re gonna need more meat – Jackie, will ya phone up Yips Chips on Accy Road, get them to drop off some spare ribs

Jackie
Yes mam

Baz
& a tub of curry sauce

Gran
{shaking her head)
Curry Sauce wi’ Christmas dinner – ee, I don’t know

Baz
Don’t worry I’ll pay for it

Gran
It’s just not right tho, is it Alfie

Grandad
No Love

Baz
Reyt everybody – merry Christams & get stuck in!

Barry
The food is on the table
Grandad looks unstable
He got some Boujou brandy
In from Auntie Dot

City
Now Granny’s started ranting
About his gallivanting
& now she is demanding

Gran
It had better be hot

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to you & me
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the family

Fin.


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


 

No Nay Never: Scenes 8-10a


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 8: Outside Turf Moor

Liverpool fans are conducting a Youtube interview


Jim
So here we are for Red TV, the Pool have just been played off the park by, dare I say it, Burn-ley

Kevin
It’s a disgrace

Jim
That it is, Kevin, that it is – so can you tell us your thoughts on that pile of absolute shite

Kevin
R.I.P Liverpool, mate, R.I.P Liverpool – the club is dead – losing 4-0 to fuckin’ Burnley – what the fuck’s all that about – I think I’m gonna hand in my season ticket, start watching Everton

Jim
Calm down, calm down, there’s no need to do anything drastic
{noticing Mojo, Barry & Peanut approaching}
Oh fer fuck’s sake

Mojo, Barry, Peanut
Anti football – duh-duh-duh-duh…….
Oh my lads you should have seen em running,
Running down the Brunshaw road the Burnley boys are coming,
All the lads and lasses, & all their smiling faces,
Running down the Brunshaw road,
To see the Burnley Aces…

Jim
Lets get out of this shit-hole

Kevin
We’ll slaughter yous at Anfield

Barry
Hurry up, you’re gonna miss ya train

Exit Jim & Kevin, enter City in disguise

Mojo
That was fucking brilliant

Barry
4-0 – clean sheet – real do

Peanut
Reyt what we doing

Mojo
I fancy ‘Miners, me, Manchester derby’s on

Peanut
Aye, sounds good

Mojo
You coming Baz?

Barry
Nah – I’m best off nipping home – Sharon’s coming round apparently – more o’ this wedding stuff to sort out

Mojo
Suit yourself – well, we’ll see you next week if we don’t see you before

Barry
You’ll see me before, trust me, this wedding’s doin’ mi ‘ead in – in a bit

Exit Mojo & Peanut

City
Hello Barry
{Barry in shock}
I said hello… cat got your tongue

Barry
What the fuck are you doing here

City
Turns out I suit claret & blue after all

Barry
This is not happening

City
I had to find you Barry – I was smitten from the moment we met – I cant get that kiss, that divine kiss, out of my head

Barry
You’re proper off ya rocker you are – love look, I’m gettin married next week – that kiss you’re rattlin on about was a mistake – I wish it had never happened – I’m in bits, I am, I feel well guilty

City
You don’t need to pretend anymore – its me you’re talking too – your soul mate – we love each other

Barry
No we’re not & no we don’t

City
But you knew my starsign

Barry
It was a lucky guess ya mentalist – there’s a one in 12 chance – its better odds than picking an each-way at the national

City
But I love you

Barry
City, you don’t love me, you’re just in love with the idea of being in love – it was fun, yeah, we go on, but you’re clearly insanse – & youre a stalker – &, this is the most important, I’m loyal

City
Be loyal to me – we’re spirit animals me & you

Barry
Look – there’s nothing I can do – just fuck off

City
What

Barry
Just fuck off
{sees Sharon & Grandad approaching}
Aw shit! It’s Sharon, & mi Grandad – you really need to leave right now

City
But I’ve come all this way

Barry
I don’t care how far you’ve come – this is harrassment – I’m gonna call the police

City
Alright honey – I know you don’t mean it, but I’ll give you your space – I love you

Exit City, enter Sharon & Grandad

Barry
Babycakes! Grandad!

Sharon
Who wer that lass you were talking to?

Barry
Dunno babe – some nutjob tryin’ to blag mi head – she just started chatting to me in the street

Sharon
Well I dont blame her, youre fuckin gorgeous you are – gizza kiss
{they kiss}
So me & your grandad have been practicing our paces for the wedding – I’m so glad your giving me away Pops, what with both my parents being in prison for embezzlement & everything

Grandad
Its an honour Sharon, thank-you for asking

Sharon
So, Barry, check this… left foot first Pops
{Sharon & Grandad start pacing}
&… go… keep it steady… nice & slow
{they halt at an imaginary altar}
What do you think

Barry
Superb

Grandad
How did Burnley end up

Barry
4-0,

Grandad
4-bloody-0, real do – lets have a drink down’ the Royal Dyche to celebrate

Barry
I wunt if I were you, granny’s on’ warpath –

Sharon
He’ll be reyt, she’s at the bingo int she – they’re both allowed to have a bit of fun, especially on a Sat’day

Grandad
Exactly

Barry
I don’t fancy it myself, Grandad, but we’ll see you back at the house – make sure you’re back early tonight – i.e. before ten o clook

Grandad
Right-O!

Exit Grandad

Sharon
So, you, about our wedding … I’ve been thinking what would be so perfect would be if the bridesmaids’ shoes were sequentially of the colours of the rainbow, like – to show we support LGBTQ

Barry
Do we?

Sharon
Yes we do Barry

Barry
What is that again

Sharon
lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender

Barry
Oh, right, of course

Sharon
Thank-you… & the shoes are gonna look exacty like mine

Barry
I thought yours were a one-off, a very expensive one-off

Sharon
They were… but the designer said he’s happy to make copies – he’s even holding the original price for each pair – isn’t that nice of him

Barry
& you want me to pay for it, right

Sharon
It’s your wedding too, is it not – You do love me, dont you

Barry
Of course I do – here ya – use my credit card

Sharon
Thank-you honey… you wont regret it – now lets go & get a cuppa somewhere – we can work on the playlist for the reception – I was thinking we should start with the Stone Roses, ‘This Is The One,’ its dead romantic

Barry
Good choice

Sharon
& I also want a big glittery banner saying SHABAZZ, ONE LOVE

Exit Barry & Sharon


SCENE 9: Leith, the City Pad


TESTOSTERONE PATRIARCHY

City is tidying up

I am a hot thing
But I have to disguise
All the ways that the razors
Cut deep in my veins
& I wipe lipstick
With a tissue of lies
‘Cos I’m hook’d on destructions
That sicken & stain

It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy

I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I am not fine

I’ve never felt love
For the shine of the skies
Cos I’m parked in the darkness
By the full beam of fame
& I’ve lost control
Of the look in my eyes
As I gaze on the razors
That beckon my name

It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy

I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I’m not doing fine


Buzzer goes

City
Who’s that then

Don
Felcity – its your dad

City
Come on up

Enter the Don

City
Daddy!

Don
I’ve been trying to get hold of you all week – are you alright

City
I’m in bits

Don
Whats the problem princess?

City
I don’t think I can marry Don Vito

Don
You what – I’ve spent a small fackin’ fortune on that wedding

City
I’ve fallen in love with an Engishman

Don
Ah well, that puts a different perspective on matters, that does – I’m all for this new turn of events – where’s he from?

City
Burnley

Don
Burnley! fack off

City
God’s truth daddy

Don
You’re having a laugh aintch – a wee wind up is it – well, its not fackin funny

City
But daddy, you’ve always encouraged me to date an Englishman

Don
There’s English & there’s facking Burnley English – there’s a big difference

City
But I thought you said all Englismen bleed tea

Don
Not all Englishmen – some of them bleed fuckin gravy

City
But he’s lovely

Don
No child of mine is falling for a dirty northen monkey. Not on my watch she aint

City
Look daddy, I don’t care, he’s beautiful, & we’re soul mates – its not up to you, its up to the universe

Don
What did you say

City
Hes beautiful

Don
Nah, not that bit, the other bit

City
Its not up to you, its up to the universe

Don
That’s just what your mother said, treacle, when we first met – I mean look at the result – you are the best thing that ever happened to me & your mother, god bless her soul

City
She’d like him dad, I know whe would

Don
You really fink so

City
He’s ten times better than Leytonstone Phil, & she really loved him

Don
He was a fackin bell-end

City
Look, I know ya don’t fink anyone will be good enougth for me, but I know Barry’s the one

Don
Barry!

City
Yes, Barry daddy, that’s his name, get used to it

Don
Awight, awight – that’s how it its gonna be, that’s how its gonna be – when am I gonna meet this newest member of our family

City
Ah – about that daddy – there’s a slight hitch

Don
What’s that

City
Well, he’s getting hitched, married that is, ehm tomorrow

Don
What, you two are getting married tomorrow, facks sake

City
No, not me & him, him & his fiance

Don
You what!

City
He’s getting married in the morning

Don
Well we’re gonna have to stop it aren’t we

City
What

Don
I’m aint gonna spend the rest of my life watching you moping abaht – I had enough of that when you were a teenager – I’m gonna send Bulldog dahn to nobble that bird

City
No need, daddy, I got this one myself

Don
Well, what ya gonna do abaht it

City
I dunno yet

Don
Listen, lav, the one thing I’ve learnt from my life is that if you want something, you’ve just gotta go aht & get it – get yourself down there love – I’d drive you down myself, but I’m busy doing a spot christmas shopping in Airdire, you know what I’m saying

City
Be careful yeah

Don
Easy money

City
I’m gonna ring Lily……………. Alright doll – could be better… I need a massive favour…. I need to get to Burnley by tomorrow morning… can you drive me down… this is the biggest crisis of my life…. No, not Birmingham, Burn-ley… its somewhere near Manchester I think…  yeah, I need to see Barry again, I know its crazy, but its destiny… if we set off tonight we can get a hotel en route…  ah you fuckin dancer, thanks so much – OK I’ll be ready, I love you Lily thanks

Don
Sorted

City
Yeah – she’ll be here in a couple of hours

Don
Well, get your coat on, I’ll treat you to some nosh dahnstairs, that bistro looks nice dunnit

City
That’s very kind of you, gizza kiss

Don
You’ve gotta fink positive babe, cos when you do, positive fings will always happen

City
You’re spot on there dad
{putting on coat}
I feel better already – well here we go, do I look nice

Don
Absolute knockaht – a always – after you

City
Well thank you very much sir

Exit City & The Don


SCENE 10a: A Church In Burnley

The wedding of Bazrry & Sharon


Barry & Mojo are waiting with the Vicar / Sharon reaches Barry – Grandad & Mojo take their seats

Gran
Eee – its playing havoc with my lumbago is this

Jackie
Shhh mam, they’re coming

Grandad is leading Sharon leads up the aisle

Vicar
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness, in the eyes of God, the sacred union of two young people very much in love –before we begin, however, it is my duty to ask if anybody here present knows of any legal impediment to this marriage
{silence}
Anybody… no-one… very good… we shall now continue with the vows… I believe the couple have prepared their own for the ceremony

Barry
We have


VOWS

I believe in love
But I don’t believe in miracles
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a fairy tale

I believe in love,
God help us,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love believes in you
I believe in you

Come to me my darling
Come to me my love
Come this mellow morning
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break into the Garden of Eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls

I believe in love
But I don’t believe in fairytales
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a miracle

I believe in love,
God help them,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love belives in you
I believe in you

Come to me my darling
& Eos be my love
Cupid’s coming calling
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump over the wall
Gotta break into the garden of eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls
& then we can open
Open, open the door
Be Clyde & Bonnie with a magnum 44
Love love is the law here,
Gotta break down the walls
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break down the towers of Babylon
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down those walls
I gotta break thro those walls


Vicar
What a lovely song, I hope you’ll all agree – so it is time for the exchanging of the rings – eh, Mojo is it?

Mojo
That’s me mate

Vicar
Do you have Barry’s ring for Sharon

Mojo
{looking for ring}
Of course I do… I’ve got it here somwhere

Sharon
Hurry up Mojo

Barry
Yeah, mate, where’s the fucking ring

Mojo
I dunno – it was in this pocket, I swear down

Sharon
Barry!

Enter City holding the ring, with Lily & India – looking like a pseudu-bride & bridesmaids

City
{holding the ring}
Looking for this

Mojo
How the fuck did you get that

India
We picked your pocket pal

Sharon
Excuse me – this is my wedding

Barry
What are you doing

City
You can’t marry him Sharon

Sharon
How do you know my name – hang on a minute, I recognise you, you were that tart who was chatting up Baz in the street last week

City
If I’m a tart love, you’re a shitty digestive

Sharon
What did you say

City
Look, love, at the end of the day you can’t marry him

Sharon
You’re gonna tell me why not?

City
Because we’re soul mates

Sharon
You fuckin what?

Vicar
Language please

Sharon
Sorry Vicar, sorry Jesus

City
I said we’re soul mates

Gran
Ooo, that’s dead romantic that is

Jackie
Shut up mam!

Barry
Look, City, whatever you’re doing its gotta stop

Sharon
So you know her name, Barry , do ya

City
Well kinda

City
We met in Edinburgh, it was love at first sight

Grandad
Nay

Barry
Nothing happened babe, I swear down

City
What about the best kiss each of us have ever, ever shared –

Sharon
You what – you actually kiss’d this slapper
{look of doom from the vicar}
Sorry

City
Well, ehm, I was proper mashed, like

Sharon
Well, I’m humiliated, & on my wedding day n’all – that’s it, anyway, the trust is broken – you can keep him – come on guys we’re out of here

Barry
Sharon! What ya doin? Shes clearly a nutjob – I’t was only a little kiss – I was well off my head

Sharon
well, maybe I am being a bit hasty

City
But Barry – the kiss was amazing

Grandad
Bloody pick one

Barry
Ehmn

City
Choose me Barry

Sharon
Ignore her, she’s mental, I’m the one you’ve always meant to be with

****************************

To be continued


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


No Nay Never: Scenes 6-7


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 6: Barry’s House, Burnley

Grandad turns up drunk at the family home after a all-night session


GRANDAD

Barry
At nine o clock in the morning
I heard grandad bashing the door in
Now he’s crashin’ on the kitchen flooring
Cos he never made it to his bed

I knew something was wrong with mi grandad
Cos he’s pukin’ up in Granny’s handbags
& starts stacking em up like sandbags
& then ranting ’bout the bloody war

Grandad’s been on the sauce again
He’s just drunk he aint insane
Grandad we love you
Even tho’ you smell like a brewery
Grandad we love you
Even when ya stink of wee

Grandads having a come down
He’s even bringing mi mum down
He’s been staying up well past sundown
& Grannies climbin’ up the wall!

Now Grandad acts like a tinker
Cos he’s always been a heavy drinker
& Gran says get off ya stinker
When he tries to get her into bed

Grandad’s been on the sauce again
He’s just drunk he aint insane
Grandad we love you
Even tho’ you smell like a brewery
Grandad we love you
Even when ya stink of wee

Grandad
I’m the paralytic diuretic man
I’ll never make it to the old bed pan
Better put those rubber sheets down gran
Cos I’m gonna wet the bed again

Barry
Now Grandad’s after a nightcap
Cos Grandma gave him a right slap
So he’s sneaking out thro the cat flap
& he’s going to the pub
He’s going to the pub
He’s going to the pub again


Enter Jackie

Jackie
Where’s dad?

Barry
Well, he came in, then he went out again

Jackie
What, on the lash?

Barry
What do you think?

Jackie
He acts like he’s bloody eighteen that lad – anyways, are you off to the match son

Barry
Aye mum, just setting off

Jackie
Who’ve they got

Liverpool
Bloody hell, scousers – I’d best get safety bar for mi car

Enter Gran

Gran
Your dad is a right pain in the backside Jackie – drunk as a skunk he was

Jackie
Hes just enjoying life mam

Gran
Well, there wo’nt be much left of it if he carries on drinking like that – ee-yah Billy, seriously, I do not recommend getting married – nowt but trouble it is

Billy
But, you’ve been married 50 years

Gran
Worst 50 years of my life

Jackie
Mum!

Barry
Reyt, em off – wish us luck

Jackie
Up the Clarets

Gran
If you see your grandad – tell him not to bother coming home

Jackie
Ee-ya mam, lets go t’café on’ market – ‘ave a natter & a brew

Gran
Then a spot of afternoon bingo

Jackie
If you like

Gran
Ooo…. go on then – my luck’s gotta change sometime….

Jackie
Nice one mam

Gran
I don’t mean it you know

Jackie
Mean what?

Gran
That thing I said about the worst 50 years of my life – you’ve made it a blessing to be alive, you have – if it weren’t for you, petal, me & your dad would have split up long ago

Jackie
What you on about, you love our dad

Gran
I might do, but he does my head in, & I’m not happy about his drinking at all

Jackie
He’s always liked a pint, mum, to tell you the truth I think its what keeps him alive… now get your coat & bag, I’ll meet you in the car

Exit Jackie / Gran finds her bag & coat & exits singing the first lines of a golden oldie number


Scene 7: Turf Moor, the Cricket Field Stand

The Burnley -Liverpool game is only a few minutes from kick off – Mojo & Peanut are stood next to each other talking


Mojo
The way I see it, Peanut, is like this… football, well its like a primal instinct innit… we have our tribe & the enemy have theirs, the players are like warriors, only instead of swords, they’ve got headers & shots & passes & all that, & instead of shields, there’s the keeper defending the goal

Enter City in disguise – she sits nearby

Peanut
Load of Scousers in today

Mojo
You know that Liverpudlian lads never get a blow job

Peanut
Why not?

Mojo
They think it’ll fuck up their benefits

Peanut
Ha-ha! You mentalist

Enter Barry

Barry
Alright lads

Peanut
Hey Hey – its the groom himself

Mojo
This time next Saturday you’re gonna be walking down the aisle, pal

Barry
I know, but it’s an evening kick off next Saturday – we can watch the game during the reception

Peanut
Buzzin’

Mojo
Here they come

The teams come out to cheers

SONGS FROM THE TERRACE (i)

1: In our Lancashire homes,
We speak with an accent exceedingly rare,
The Longside of Burnley will always be there,
In our Lancashire homes!

2: (to the tune of Auld Langs Eyne)
Burnley, Burnley, Burnley, Burnley,
Burnley, Burnley, Burnley,
Burnley, Burnley, Burnley, Burnley
Burnley, Burnley, Burnley,

3: Come on you Clarets !

4: Matt Busby said to Bill Shankly
Have you heard of the Northbank, Highbury
Shanks said ‘no, I don’t think so,
But I’ve heard of the Longside, Burnley.’

Mojo
So, what did you get up to last week ya fuckin’ vicelord – you just dissapeared with that bird. Behave yourself did ya?

Barry
Course I did – she was an off the chart mentalist, mate, & besides, its not right is it

Mojo
Good, she’s a good lass is your Sharon

Barry
I know

Peanut
I got laid

Barry
What

Mojo
He got laid

Barry
Did ya?

Peanut
Yep

Barry
Congratulations, pal

Peanut
It was that cowgirl from the party

Barry
Not bad, pal, not bad at all, she was hot

Mojo
Tell him what happened, like you told me

Peanut
well I put it in, then I pulled out, then I put in again, & then I wiggled it about a bit – she was fuckin’loving it

Barry
I bet she was Peanut

Peanut
I can’t believe I lost my virginity to a cowgirl in Dalkeith

Barry
Ee-ya, they’re kicking off

Mojo
Come on Burnley

Barry
Lets fuckin’ ‘ave em

Kick off

SONGS FROM THE TERRACE (ii)

1: No One Likes Us
No one likes us,
No one likes us,
No one likes us,
We don’t care,
We are Burnley,
Super Burnley
We are Burnley,
From the North

2: I went to the alehouse used frequent,
I saw old Jack Walker his money was spent,
He asked me to play,
I answered him nay,
With rubbish like yours I can beat any day.
And its No Nay Never
No Nay Never No More
Yill we play Bastard Rovers
No Nay Never No More
We hate Bastards, we hate Bastards!

3: Forever and Ever
For ever and ever,
We’ll follow a team,
It’s Burnley FC,
We rule supreme!
We’ll never be mastered,
By the Blackburn b***ards,
And keep the claret flag flying high!

4: We are the Longside, Burnley

Mojo
Wooah, come on

Peanut
Pass it, fuckin’ pass it

Barry
Yes… go on, go on, go on, go on…

{Burnley score}

Mojo, Barry, Peanut
Get in!!!! You Fuckin Dancer !!!! Yaaaahhss
{The guys jump around excitedly hugging each other}
Who are ya, who are ya, who are ya

Peanut
Fuckin real do

Barry
Yeah, come on Burnley!


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


 

No Nay Never: Scenes 4-5


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 4: Portobello

Hamish’s flat, he is dressed as Hari Krishna, there are two partygoers, Krissie (dressed as a Victorian Lady of the Ancient Profession) & Katie (dressed as a Cowgirl)


Enter The Stags & Hens

Hamish
Well, hello gang!

City
Alright Hamish, lovely to see you doll

Krissie
Lillian!

Lily
Alright babycakes

India
We brought some pals, s’that cool?

Hamish
You’re more than welcome, boys, more than welcome

Mojo
Cheers mate

City
It’s a bit quiet, is it not?

Hamish
Its late innit – most folk have drifted off – but we’re still buzzin arent we girls

Krissie
Too fuckin right

Kate
Where are you from boys

All the stags say ‘Burnley’ in unison, except for Billy who says ‘Blackburn’

Hamish
Ooo, Lancashire lads

Mojo
Aye mate, proper tablethwackers us – we say it like we see it & we like what see

Katie
What did you say

Hamish
Ooo, so cute, so colloquial, help yourself to drinks boys, there’s loads left

Barry
Nice one, thanks

Peanut
Can I use your loo pal

Hamish
Yeah – its two doors down the hall, on the left

Peanut
Cheers

Krissie
{to Billy}
Did you not know it was fancy dress

Mojo
Yeah he did – he’s come as a scruffy bastard

Billy
Oi!

Hamish
Ooo! I love that sense of humour of yours – as rugged as the granite of the Pennines – reminds me of a docker I once knew from Scunthorpe

Barry
Sunny Scunny

India
You don’t mind if I put a tune on do ya

Hamish
Fire away, something dancey yeah –

India
Sure, ya got blue-tooth

Hamish
Of course I do – it’s Boss Bass Sound

India
…and… I’m in


ALL SWAP PLACES

Bom bom, jiggy bom bom
Bom jiggy bom,
Jiggy jiggy gang bang
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s jiggy with a farmer
& we all swap places…..

{Peanut returns from the toilet sniffing}

There’s a pussy playin’ fiddle
& the piggy in the middle’s getting
Jiggy with the gang bang
Theres a hooker on a cooker
She’s the hottest mother fucka
That I’ve seen in any gang bang
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s busy with the dalai llama
& we all swap places

& we all swap places
& we all swap places
& we all swap places

Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Ah-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-ya

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Time to level up a partner
Menage a trois
The karma sutra
King bamboo

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Pick & mix it
Mister mistress
Bend the gender
Warp & skew

Bom bom
Theres a madame in the saddle
& she’s friggin in the riggin
As the balls are playin ping pong
& he’s no King Kong (small dong)
Still the Fonz singsalong to the sing song
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama

Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s busy with Bananarama
& we all swap places…..

& we all swap places
& we all swap places
& we all swap places

Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Ah-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-ya

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Convalute me
Contravention
I’m at attention
Stand to

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Light up the lava
Ask your partners
Dip in the darkness
French fondeau?

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

I never had a mango
Never had a mango?
Never had a mango down on me


Mojo
That’s a reyt tune, India, nice one

Brenda
Bom-bom-jiggy-bom-bom!

Hamish
Alright people – everybody to the kitchen – who fancies a cheeky boost

Mojo
What is it?

Billy
It’ll be coke, they’re mad for it up here

Krissie
We are, & it is

Mojo
We’ve got a bit n’all, we’ll chuck it in

Hamish
Perfect, a little cocktail – bring your glasses guys, I’ve got some majestic white Cuban rum that needs finishing off

Kate
{to Peanut}
So you’ve had a good time in Edinburgh

Peanut
Yeah, its been buzzin

Kate
How long are you up for

Peanut
Just til tomorrow, its his stag-do, he’s getting a married next week

Katie
Ah, that’s a pity

Peanut
So where are you from

Katie
Dalkeith

Peanut
Never heard of it

Exit everybody except for Brian & City

City
You don’t fancy a line

Barry
Nah – I don’t do coke, sends me a bit doolally

City
I don’t mind it myself

Barry
My cocaine is Burnley Football Club

City
Oh my god, we’re alone less than a minute & you’re rattling on about bloody Football, you must be one of those‘fanatics’

Barry
Of course I am, when ya Burnley born & bred you bleed claret & blue – I’ve had a season ticket on the Cricket Field for years

City
The Cricket Field, but you said football

Barry
No love, its called the Cricket Field stand, Burnley Cricket Club’s behind Turf Moor

City
Turf Moor?

Barry
Thats the name of the stadium, the Cricket Field’s the name of the stand…
{City looks confused}
Oh forget it – all you need to know is Burnley are the best team on the planet

City
I’ve never been on a football match

Barry
You should try it – when Burnley score a last minute winner it’s a better feeling than sex

City
You’re not having sex with the right person, clearly

Barry
So who’s the lucky guy

City
What do you mean?

Barry
Your fiance, who is he?

City
Ooh – he’s Italian – Don vito – he lives in Rome

Barry
Very exotic

City
And you? What’s she like?

Barry
I take it you’re talking about my Sharon

City
Is that her name – how quaint

Barry
Oi! thats my childhood sweetheart ya talking about

City
How romantic

Barry
It really is – I love her to bits

City
Written in the stars was it

Barry
I guess it wars – talking of stars, tho’ – I bet I can guess ya sign

City
You what

Barry
Your starsign

City
Why would you wanna do that

Barry
I dunno, when I take pills I just feel compelled – do you mind

City
Nat at all – I’m intrigued actually – fire away


 

STARSIGNS

Barry
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine

Are you Aries, summer fairies
Til the head-butt necessaries
Maybe Leo, they’re the Cleopatras
Gettin jiggy on a beach in rio
Are ya Gemini, overqualified
Struttin round like a homeless butterfly
Ya eyes are like diamonds baby
Are ya Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine

Are you Aquarius ever varius
Or a sexy Sagittarius
Maybe Virgo, a semi-circle
Never mess with a girl in a fur coat
Are ya Libra, like Alan Shearer
Ya black & white like the stripes on a zebra
Ya smile is like sunshine baby
Are ya Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
& guess your sign & after the mantra
I’m gonna take my time & darlin’ tie ya down to the tantra
I’m an empath like my mother
I’m an astrological lover
Your vibe is like Tinsel Town
Get on down to the sound of the breakdown
Acapella pick a colour
When I guess it & I’m destined to pull her
Better mystic meg assisted
Proper bullshit but birds cant resist it
If she roots ya & she suits ya
You can cruise thro’ the views of the future
Then when the starshine glows
Get on down its time for the solos

Are ya cancer, what a chancer
Breakin’ legs like a pimp-ass dancer
Maybe Pisces, a dionysis
Living lives of crazy crises
Or maybe you’re a Capricorn
Like a slinky ninja on the microphone
Your voice is like Venus baby
Are you Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine


Astrological horoscope zodiac star signs icon symbols set

City
So what am I then?

Barry
Give me a second – wait – wait – wait – im getting it – you’re Pisces
{City is stunned into silence}
Am I right?

City
Totally – how did you do that?

Barry
It’s just a gift – my mother’s got it, my granny has it – there’s a psychic streak in the family

City
I could feel you reading my mind – probing – deep – no-ones’ ever done that before… we’re soul mates

Barry
We are?

City
What else could it be – I don’t believe it – my soul mate’s from Barnsley

City
It’s Burnley actually

City
Sorry – look, wherever you’re from its all about where you’re going to – lets ditch this party – get to know each other – get to really know each other – or should I say get to reknow each other – we’ve clearly met in a past life

Barry
What are you on about?

City
We’re right next to Portobello Beach here, put your coat on, lets go for a stroll

Barry
I suppose owts better than hanging around a load of coke-heads talking bullshit & trying to fuck each other – lets do it

City
Brilliant


Scene 5: Portobello Beach

CitY & Barry are strolling by the sea at sunrise


 

PORTOBELLO BEACH

City
Were gonna go for a glide, we’re gonna
Glide down Portobello Beach
& see the birds flying high
Knowing the oceans just beyond our reach
We’re gonna go for a glide
We’re gonna go for a glide, my friend
& I know, & I know that you, you can come too

Put your soul back in control
& let the spirit fly
(Ask the spirit)
How does your soul feel

Barry
This is the time of our lives
Together down by Portobello beach
& see the moon over Fife is glowing stardust Just beyond our reach
These are the times of our lives
These are the times of our lives my friend
& I know, yes I know, that all dreams can come true

City
Put your soul back in control
& let the spirit fly
(Ask the spirit)
How does your soul feel

Barry
I see ya taking the lies
I see ya takin the lies my friend

City
I see ya faking the highs
I see ya faking the highs

City & Barry
Put your soul back in control
& let the spirit fly
(Ask the spirit)
How does your soul feel

They kiss passionately – its kinda beautiful actually / Barry’s phone rings

Barry
Fuck

City
Don’t answer it

Barry
I’ve got to – do not make a sound – please –

City
Alright, chill out

Barry
Good morning babe – yeah, I’m alright – yeah its been a good night – no I’m still out, no they’re seagulls, I just went for a wee stroll down the seaside, check it out – course I’m not with another girl, don’t be daft – hey babe listen, let me get a taxi back to the hotel, get cosy & we can do a skype – yeah you too – no its not as good as Blackppol Pleasure Beach – yeah you too, love ya , bye

City
Was that Sharon

Barry
I’ve got to go

City
But…

Barry
Look, I’m getting married next week – you’re getting married

City
But that was the best kiss I’ve ever had – & yours too – it was like our spirits had been released & were watching us from above, I could feel it

Barry
It was just a bit of silly necking love, don’t get carried away

City
Silly necking! The lips never lie, babe

Barry
I’m not your babe – I’ve never even masturbated since I’ve been with Sharon– let alone kiss’d another woman – she’d fucking kill me if she found out- I’ve gotta get out of here

City
You’re seriously gonna leave

Barry
Look, its been great fun, you’re a beautiful, sassy lass – you’re gonna make this Don Vito fella a brilliant wife

City
I am aren’t I – Alright barry, good luck

City leans in to kiss Barry, he turns away

Barry
Maybe in the next life

City
The next life…

Exit Barry


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


 

Dane Baptiste Returns to Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2020

image001.jpg


DANE BAPTISTE: THE CHOCOLATE CHIP
Venue: Pleasance Courtyard: Above
Time: 9:20pm
Dates: 5th–30th August (not 17th)


Master writer, storyteller, comedian and star of hit podcast Dane Baptiste Questions Everything, Baptiste is making his eagerly anticipated return to the Edinburgh Fringe 2020 with his brand-new show, The Chocolate Chip – which is currently touring the UK, Australia and Europe, with numerous dates already selling out. The tour also includes a huge two week residency run at London’s prestigious Soho Theatre from March 2nd 2020.

Dane is now a Grown Black Man. Too old to be concerned with chicken or trainers. Too young to be considered a peer of Trevor McDonald. This show will see the acerbic comedian tackle race in his typically unfiltered, original and provocative manner. The Chocolate Chip is about the rise of Alt-Right and identity politics, mental health issues and body dysmorphia, how trauma affects people’s lives and how racism has been left out of that conversation. A celebrated trailblazer within the comedy industry, Dane has the skill and innate talent for taking weighty subjects and finding the comedy in them.

As seen on Live at the Apollo (BBC Two), 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown (Channel 4), his own sitcom Sunny D (BBC Three), Tonight at the London Palladium (ITV1), Mock The Week (BBC Two)… pretty much all over your TV screen. His newly launched YouTube Channel releasing exclusive clips from the show has already produced numerous viral hits, proving that its themes are hitting a nerve that resonates internationally.

Dane says: “Normally if you make any comments about racial inequality or economic inequality people will say you have a chip on your shoulder, so I’m embracing that chip and calling it Chocolate Chip.”