Conchordia

Alibi: Scene 3 – 4

yodamo Alibi, Conchordia

PART 1 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

 

SCENE 3 – The New Bongo Club

Nightclub – there is a bar, a bouncer & a dance floor / Lily, Sally & Ally sharing a tequila with General

***

MUMBO JUMBO

All
Stevie Austin, we thought we’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston x 3

Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

General
Down on the dance floor, I couldn’t find mi dealer
Want to entrance more, so I bought some tequila
When you feel flakey, honey,
Shakey, shakey, shake yer money
There’s one thing’ll heal ya – that’s a shot of tequila!

Raver
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TEQUILA!

All
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

Enter TC & Nelson

TC
Well mi name is TC, I’m on a smart E
Lookin’ for a bangin’, phat girlie
The Tiger Cubs are ripping up the club
& everybody’s tripping to the woo-woo
Its Stevie Austin, they thought they’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston
Top banana, hot love karma,
Nelson’s looking chuff’d
Cause I took him to the club where all the
Mumbo Jumbo kids are coming up
& as the bouncer’s getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

TC
Welcome to the Bongo club brother, whaddaya reckon

Nelson
Fuckin’ tops, there’s nothing like this in my hometown

TC
Yeah, all handbag house & happy slappers down your way – welcome to paradise – I mean – have you ever seen such quality tottie

Nelson
Only on the telly

TC
Trust me, mate, most of em are available,
know what I mean?

General
Yo TC, long time no see, where’v ya bin

TC
Got stuck in a lift mate

General
Did ya? Anyway am I glad to see you

TC
Why whats up

General
The clubs dry, pal, everyone’s necked their pills, the dealers are nowhere to be seen & we’ve finished off the house tequila – even the legal highs are illegal these days – since them SNP got in power it’s bin proper hard to get off you face – please tell me yer packing summat TC?

TC
Not really, I could spare you a bit of billy

General
Nah, I don’t touch the devi’ls dandruff mate, me & just about everyone else in the the club’s lookin for ecstasy

TC
Sorry mate, can’t help ya

General
Nah worries, nuff respect

TC
Respect… yo, Nelson, I’d like to introduce you to a good friend of mine… Nelson, meet the Cool Pool General, the best hustler in Scotland

Nelson
Nice to meet ya

General
Likewise… say TC, you goin’ down the hall later, pocket a few balls?

TC
We’ll see what the night brings eh

General
Hopefully one of those pretty little lovebirds over there – wish me luck, I’m going in

General goes off dancing

TC
You know Nelson, I think I might have spotted a small business opportunity
<gets out phone>
Yo, Charlie, any chance of scorin a hundred o those Dutch eccies…. how much…. you in now… right, I’ll be there in twenty minutes…
<hangs up phone>
Yo Nelson mate, I’m just off on a little mission, look after mi stash will ya

TC gets bag out of underpants / Nelson holds bag as if to say – uuugh thats been down your pants

TC
I got good vibes about you, son – I know a trustworthy geezer when I see one – there’s a few grammes of charlie in there, & a bit of weed – after the rave ya can crash at mine – we’re all set for a bangin’ night – but, if ya fancy skinnin’ up, whatever you do be discreet – the bouncers are proper tight round these parts, but it’s the punters ya got to worry about the most, they’ll pounce on ya like a pack of volossur raptors – anyway, gotta fly – laters

Exit TC – Nelson looks in bag – finds a corner & begins to skin up – one by one the chorus (Lily, Sally, Ally & the General) notice him & flock around

***

FLIPSIDE OVER EASY

Chorus
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Bouncer
I’m a bouncer down the Mumbo Jumbo
Ya fuckt up in the head my son,
If you light that up I’m gonna do you over
For messin around in my joint!

Nelson
Hey chill, man chill, lets split this pill,
There’s plenty of time fer that
When you’re a free man!
I’m gonna skin up here if I have to,
I’m gonna skin up whenever I want to,
I’m gonna skin up right in yer face man,
I’m gonna skin up in yer home-boys place &
I’m gonna pass it on to all my friends,
Who are Flipside Over Easy x3

Flipside Over Easy, inside-out & round & round,
This way, that-a-way,
Any which way that I’m wantin to go,
I’m back-to-front, I’m comin up,

Bouncer
Ya goin down…

Chorus
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Girls
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

General
I remember when I carry
Ten bags of mari-mari
But I smoked it til it was dead
I didn’t have a reefer to ease my head
Yes you don’t know what I need
You don’t know what I need
I need some weed

Harmony 1
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Harmony 2
Aaaaahhhhh….

Harmony 3
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

Nelson lights up spliff & Bouncer drags him off

 

SCENE 4 – In the street outside club

Nelson is thrown out of the club

Nelson
Let us back in mate

Bouncer
Look, fuck off

Nelson
Did you go to nobhead school or summat, come on let us back in, man

Bouncer
You’re definitely not coming in now

Nelson
Whats that?

Nelson points to imaginary plan & tries to run in but is thrown out again

Nelson
Woah-woah- woah- what ya doin- do you know who I am

Bouncer
Yeah I know who you are, ya barr’d, now fuck off

Nelson
It was only a wee spliff – mate, cmon let us back in

Bouncer
House regulations lad – theres a Dub night on down Cabaret Voltaire tonight – they turn a blind eye to that ganja stuff – you may get away with it there, but not in here, not get yourself out

Nelson
But…

Lily exits club – Nelson looks at her ass & falls in love straight away

Bouncer
…& don’t come back

***

BLONDE GIRLS

Nelson
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Cos it makes me go weak at the knees
Your posterior is shakin up my area
Im beggin yer darlin let me touch it please

Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
That’s the best ass I’ve ever seen
& your posterior is shakin up my area
Im beggin yer darlin let me kiss your booty clean

Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Because brunettes are better in the winter
God damn it everythin’ gonna get in the spring
& in autumn those auburns are better
But in summertime those blonde girls
Well they’re my thing

Blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Lily
Nice song… whats your name

Nelson
Prince Nelson the Fourth

Lily
A prince eh

Nelson
Yep thats me

Lily
Well, your highness, I’m Lily

Nelson
Honoured

Lily
I saw you get kicked out of the club… that’s no way to treat royalty… hard lines

Nelson
Yeah, just for a wee spliff, n’all… so darlin, where’s such a radiant angel like yourself off to all on her lonesome

Lily
I thought I’d go home, the clubs dry

Nelson
I’ve got a couple of pills on me

Lily
You have? You dont have any coke as well, by any chance

Nelson
Coke, nah… wait-waitaminute, what was I thinkin, of course I do, I got loads of the stuff

Lily
Fancy havin a… session… at mine

Nelson
You got any booze

Lily
One of my mates, a barmaid down the Pond, she usually sell us some under the counter if I’m stuck

Nelson
Wicked, lets get a few bottles of pricey bubbly in, I’m payin baby – TAXI!!

Exit Lily & Nelson – General arrives

General
Yo mate, you haven’t seen a blonde girl have ya, she had an ass like an angel

Bouncer
Aye

General
Which way did she go?

Bouncer
You’re outta luck mate, she just jumped in a taxi with that arsehole I just threw out of here

General
Gutted… say, you don’t have any pills for sale do ya?

Bouncer
I might have… just watch the door a minute while I nip to my car, & whatever you do
DON’T LET ANYONE IN

General
No probs

Exit bouncer / enter two scallys

General
(practicing to himself)
If ya names not down, ya not comin’ in

Enter Gadgie II

Gadgie II
Alright mate, I’m on the guest list

General
Sorry, I cant let ya in til the bouncer gets back

Gadgie II
But I’m reviewing for the Mumble -Damo said I’d be on the guest list

General
I cannae do it – you’re gonna have to wait

Gadgie II
(holding up bag of coke)
How about a line of this

General
Ooo! In you go

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

The world’s leading exponent of Dramatic Blank Verse

***

Articles:

Composing Conchordia, Provence

Composing Conchordia: Vaulting the Lockdown

Alibi: Scenes 1-2

yodamo Alibi, Conchordia

PART 1 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

SCENE 1 – Peebles Town Centre

 Brenda the Busker is sat underneath a cash machine with a guitar & a fake comedy dog / she is singing a song / enter a Wee Gadgie

Brenda
Alright big man, help the homeless

Wee Gadgie
I’m skint mate

Brenda
No worries, have a good night

Wee Gadgie
How am I gonna have a good night with no money, get a fuckin’ job yer hobo

Exit Wee Gadgie, enter Nelson

Brenda
Nelson!!

Nelson
Alright Brenda, hows trix

Brenda
Y’know, surviving… but wots up wi’ you Nelson, your face is trippin’ ya

Nelson
Bad day at work, y’know, my boss is a pain-in-the ass

Brenda
I’ve never had a boss, me… I’m me own boss –

Nelson
Lucky you

Brenda
Spare any change?

Nelson
What, I earn it so you can spend it on smack

Brenda
Nah, mate, gone clean, sorted me ‘ed out – this is just for the hostel tonight

Nelson
{giving change}
Why not, I’ve put in a bit of overtime this week

Brenda
Nice one fella
{Nelson starts drawing out his money}
Yo Nelson – you’ve been comin to this cash point every Friday now for as long as I can remember, wearing the same old chinos & the same pair of shoes

Nelson
Yeah, & you’ve been here every fuckin time

Brenda
I know that, its mi job innit, but what do you do every Friday night

Nelson
You know, the usual, I go down the pub with me mates – that’s where I’m off to now, for a night on the tiles

Brenda
{standing up}
Look, mate, since I’ve got my head together I’ve been thinking a lot about you & I got some advice for ya

***

TURNAROUND

Brenda
Kid make a fresh start
Let’s take the new road to walk down
Cos you know in your heart
That it’s time to leave your hometown
It’s a big world out there
Millions of girls your own age, horny
Let me tell you man I swear
If i had the chance I would always keep on moving

Nelson
I’ve bin grindin my bones for all these years
For a sackful o stones & a sink full of tears
First they fill you with loans
& then they kill your ideas
Our planet – is waiting for us all

 

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround (x 3)
& head on down the loose track baby
& never turnaround & think of home
& then o maybe
You will find a finer place of liberty & life
The tales you’ll tell beside the fireplace
To all your children & their children

Nelson
I’ve bin stuck in a rut & I can’t break free
Bin bustin mi gut in a factory
Industrial slut & I’ve lost my dreams
But our planet – is waitin for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
& hear the sound of your heart singin
Come on boy leave ya friends
& family & all the things you know
It’s time to go, cos there’s
A better life if you can find it
& tho the road is lined with trials
There’s mystery if you don’t mind it

Brenda & Nelson
It’s time to (time to) turnaround
It’s time to (time to) turnaround

***

Nelson
Cheers mate, ya right, this towns shit, I might as well split, the worlds my oyster innit, but where should I go first?

Brenda
The big city kid, it’ll make a man o yer

Nelson
The Big City – what, Glasgow?

Brenda
Fuckoff – not Weegieland, it’s full of numpties, I meant the capital, the capital of Scotland – the Athens of the North, the Dingwall of the South – Edinburgh

Nelson
Well, I’ve always thought about checkin’ it one day

Brenda
Of course you should laddie – I mean look at this place – it’s more like a retirement village – you should be thinkin about visitin the continent – not the incontinent – This place is just a graveyard with a TK Max

Nelson
You know, you’re right, I think I’m gonna do it

Brenda
Of course I’m right, the streets are in my blood, bruother – I see everything me – anyway, there’s a bus leaving this evening, why don’t you get yourself on it

Nelson
Tonight…. that’s a bit soon, innit

Brenda
Time & red hot, horny ladies shaking their asses on a Friday night wait for no man

Nelson
I’m gonna do it – yeah, fuck it, I’m, I’m doing it – I’ll send you a postcard, yeah

Brenda
Not to this bank though, I get all my mail sent to the Barclays up the road

Nelson
Right O, catch yer on the flipside sister

SCENE 2 – Edinburgh

A busy Princes Street – TC is hanging out – Nelson gets off the bus

Nelson
Wow this is mental – look at the buildings, the trams – the double-decker busses – the shops – the castle – the women!

TC
Welcome to the capital kid, you sound like you’re from outta town, where ya from

Nelson
Some place ya never heard of

TC
Just arrived have ya

Nelson
Yeah, I’m fresh off the bus

TC
Cool, they call me TC

Nelson
Nelson

TC
Say, kid, its Friday night, I’m goin ravin, you like to party

Nelson
Sometimes

TC
Well my mates just given me a few cheeky pills – the very the latest out of Amsterdam

Nelson
What, ecstasy

TC
Yeah… he flew in this morning with a few hundred stuck up his ass

Nelson
Uuuugh

TC
Dont worry, he used protection – now then, do wanna try one or not

Nelson
Go on then

TC
Here you go pal – tell me what ya think

{TC passes Nelson a pill}

Nelson
Uuugh – that tastes rank

TC
That’s the MDMA that is, the more bitter it tastes, the better the mash-up, right

Nelson
I guess so – wait a minute – fuckin hell

TC
Are you alright kid

Nelson
I think so… I come up on my drugs straight away me – my doctor says its my hyperactive metabolisms or something

***

ULTRA-GROOVY HIGH

Nelson
There’s nothing of this world
Like a free & easy man
He can do whatever he wants to
& what he likes he’ll do
Whatever, whenever he can
I’m a-rollin, easy strollin
Down the road, I hear my callin
In the music that I’m singin man
Its the only way to make the streets
Your own

Because the way I’m feelin now
I didn’t even know that it existed,
The way I’m feelin ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

 

TC
Wooah kid… are you alright

Nelson
No, mate, I’m really suffering

TC
Shit, sorry

Nelson
Yeah I’m suffering… from a case of top quality banter

TC
Ha-ha – its them pills mate, so they’re proper decent, yeah?

Nelson
Fuckin magic mate, I’m flyin here

TC
Wicked, I might try one myself

Nelson
What, have you never tried these before

TC
Course not, I always get a muppet to neck one first… Lookin at the nick of you I might just have an half

Nelson
Ya cheeky bastard

TC
Cheeky’s my middle name kid

Nelson
I’m a-skippin thro the subways
In my bliss’d-out sister love haze
& I’m a-driftin thro my drug days
& the super-shlinky soul light’s
Shinin thro…
Theres a rollercoaster risin man
Above the blue horizon &
You’ll never put a price upon
The way I’m feelin now
You’d never know

Nelson & TC
Because the way I’m feelin now
I didn’t even know that it existed
The way Im feelin ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

Nelson
& it’s true what the say about livin
I guess yer live until yer die
Cos the time we spend must fly
I’m livin on an ultra groovy high

TC
& now I’m ultra groovy high,
Ive found an oasis
I’m gonna see places I’ve never seen before
Opening doors, breaking yer laws
I’m feelin like a force of nature hollerin
The valley of Kings now I’ve spread my wings
& I can fly

***

TC
You’re right, these pills are hard core, bruv
I’m fuckin’ flyin here

Nelson
Told ya

TC
You’ll diddly do for me brother – gizza cuddle
{they cuddle}
Like I said, there’s a wicked rave on down the Bongo club tonight – its call’d Mumbo Jumbo – fancy a boogie

Nelson
Do bears shit in the woods

TC
Dunno, don’t get bears in the big city, but what we do get is proper phat phumpin beats – lets go – word to the wise tho, don’t try any of that ‘up, down turnaround’ shit, you’ll get slapped for being a nobhead – but first, we’re going shopping – theres a nice little retro shop down the Grassmarket – get you out of those townie threads – you look like my granddad

Nelson
What yer talking about, this lot cost me a fortune

TC
Well they saw you comin… Trust me, you look like a dick, now come on before the shops shut

Exit TC & Nelson

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

The world’s leading exponent of Dramatic Blank Verse

***

Articles:

Composing Conchordia, Provence

Composing Conchordia: Vaulting the Lockdown

Timewarpin’: Scenes 8-Outro

yodamo Conchordia, Timewarpin'

PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

SCENE 8: The Streets of Leith, this time next year

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Brenda is waiting on a street corner – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

***

WAY OUT

Brenda
I’m so tired of your nonsensical mind
Show me the way out, show me the way out I can find

I’m so bored, I’m so bored of your bullshit brain
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this drain

I’m so lost, I’m so lost in your foolish ways
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this maze

I’m so caught, I’m so caught by your awful spell
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this hell

Turn, turn that mad tap off of my life force
You’ve had a good blast as yer took me to task
Now I’m askin for a bit of relief
Burn, burn that bridge that you thought we were buildin’
Cos my bridge can’t stand on on your selfish sands
As you pull the rug from under me feet
& the culling of my heart is complete

I’m so torn, because you tear my soul apart
Show me the way in
Show me the way into your heart

***

Enter Malik

Malik
Wotcha Brenda

Brenda
Oh, hi, Malik, thanks for coming out at such short notice

Malik
So what can I do you for

Brenda
I was looking for a… a… a gun

Malik
A gun, well, I might be able to help you out with that, so what kind of gun are you looking for

Brenda
Nothing fancy, just one that works.

Malik
Well, it just so happens that I’ve got a nice little WW2 German number in my pocket… four hundred quid

Brenda
Sure
{starts handing out the notes}

Malik
& bullets, do you want any bullets

Brenda
I’ll just need the one please

Malik
Well, there’s three or four in the chamber already, just keep ’em – gizmme a bell if you want anymore

Brenda
I’ll keep that in mind, thanks

Malik
Are you alright doll

Brenda
Never been better – I’ll see you around Malik

Exit Malik

Brenda
I’ts been a beautiful journey, world, but… I just cannae cope anymore

Brenda shoots herself, but the gun goes click

Brenda
Story of my life, nothing’s ever worked

Brenda accidentally shoots herself in the head

General
Noo…… Brenda !!!

The General dashes to Brenda & picks her up in his arms

***

WESTERN SUICIDE

Dante
Old man pulls down the shutter
She’s dead, down in the gutter,
Her blood pours thro’ the sewers
No fun, life in the cureless grey
On a day like today

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

Her momma thought her so pretty
She bought a ticket to the city
She left her mansion in Cockenzie
So fast, flyin’ like a kamakaze
In a Hollywood, movie

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

She work’d for twenty seven hours a day
Dumb, lazy boyfriend’s wastin all her pay
Now she’s lost her job got nowhere to stay
Her life’s young dreams have all faded away
On a day like today

General
Why throw it away when ya cant turn back
Put it all on red & watch the ball turn black

Dante & General
She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

So you think you’re so lucky that your life is not like that!

***

Larry
What the fuck are you doing Dante?

Dante
We are in the future, exactly one year from the day that Brenda caught you shmozzing with that floozy & the plastic monkeys… she could not cope with the break-up & so she sunk into a deep depression which has led to this sad, sad moment

Larry
O my god, what have I done, Brenda, I’m so sorry, Dante how can I change it, how can we fix this?

Dante
Look inside yourself Tristan, what is your soul saying, tell me boy, what are the words

***

SEMINAL LIVES

General
We spend our chemical youth
Lookin for love & seekin truth til
We’ve had our fill of the feeling
But now I’m towing the right line
Findin the time to free my mind
& findin’ life so appealin’
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
Dont seem to give a damn about anyone
stop or you’re goin to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin’ inside my head
Running around in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin rat & I’m caught in the undertow

We spend our seminal lives
Lookin for ways to woo our wives
When we’re ready to settle
All our criminal past
Hide it away in plaster cast
Or wrap it in precious metal
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin inside my head
Running round & round in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin man & I’m caught in the undertow

***

Dante
Well, well, well – I said it was an imposible task – but the boss upstairs insisted you had a shred of decency somewhere – I didn’t expect it at all, but, my boy, I think you have learned your lesson & earned yourself your reprieve… there shall be last timewarp to make….

General
Cheers Dante, everything you said makes sense pal, y’know you might look like a complete tube but you’re alright underneath – if this is our last jump together, lets hold hands or something

Dante
I am afraid I will not be escorting you on this timewarp – it will be our goodbye Tristan, so farewell & good luck

Dante
Its been great
{They shake hands}
& one more thing…. Don’t fuck it up!

General
I’m on it pal… timewarpin’

Scene 9: The General’s Flat, today

General
Timewarpin’ – Woah, wait a minute – what, that’s well weird – I can’t remember taking any ketamine

The doorbell goes / the General answers it / Shannon is waiting at the door in a sexy outfit

Shannon
Hello Sailor!

General
Shannon… do come in come in

Shannon
I am feeling so fucking horny
{starts waving the psychedelic spunk monkey}
I brought us something to play with

General
Wooaahhh! Wait one mother fuckin’ minute –– I’m buzzin’ with de ja vu – we’ve been in this exact situation before

Shannon
What are you on about

General
Dante Alighieri

Shannon
Who

General
Dante Alighieri – the poet

Shannon
What have you been taking, you – & can I have some

General
Look Shannon, I’ve enjoy’d our hook-ups, really I have, but, but I can’t see you again, like, ever

Shannon
& why not

General
I’ve got a girlfriend – did I just say that – yeah I did, no, I do, I’ve got a girlfriend – & I fuckin’ lov her n’all – you’ll have to leave

Shannon
You never said you had a girlfriend

General
You never asked – but you’ve gotta go, its over

Shannon
Its over is it, alright, fuck you
{Shannon waves her small wiener finger}
I wasn’t missing much anyway

Exit Shannon

General
{starting to tidy up}
Jeesh – look at the state of this place

***

Enter Brenda

Brenda
What are you doing

General
Tidying the house honey… you’re home early

Brenda
Work let me go, they said I was too tired, they’re bang on, y’know, I’m exhausted

General
Why don’t you put your feet up, I’ll run you a bath, eh, then cook us up a nice tasty tea, how does that sound

Brenda
Are you alright

General
Yeah, never been better – listen babe, I’ve realised I’ve been a massive jerk – I promise things are gonna change round here– I’m gonna change

Brenda
How are you gonna change

General
Well dunno, day-by-day, intelligent increments & bold baby-steps – I’m even open for suggestions honey, you can mould me

***

NAVIGATOR

General
Show me the way to na-na-navigate thro’ all your mood swings
Show me the way to satisfy your tender love
Show me the way to a-na-nhialate those things that bug you
I need to hug you, snug you, drug you with my love

Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to sa-sa-suffocate my mental monkeys
The way they move inside my mind makes me so mad
Show me the way to understand the way you think Im thinking
Cos you’re the singlest sweetest treat I’ve ever had

General & Brenda
Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

Hold on to the things you love
You might never get another chance to love someone
Before the songs are gone & sitting so sad
On the tip of your tongue
My baby
Lets hit the countryside & leave our pride behind us
In this wide world we living in
Go strolling in the heather
Go floating like a feather
Over that stormy weather

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to demonstrate my sweet desire for you
Show me the way to remonstrate when things go wrong
Show me the way to sa-sa-celebrate your vixen fire
Cos youre the music in my soul & I’m your song

General
Cos when we come together

Brenda
Yes when we come together

General
We gonna come together

Brenda
Go strolling in the heather

General
Go floating like a feather

Brenda
Over that stormy weather

General
I love u baby
U know I do I’m hot for you

Brenda
I love ya too boy
What’s wrong with you, you seem brand new

General
Don’t go to work girl
Lets lie in bed & make love instead

Brenda
Present past future
Youre the truest love of mine

General
& all we need is music
Converstion & good wine

General & Brenda
Present past & futures’ gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ve seen was history
Shatterd into pieces Speaking to this species
As if odyssean song
Cos weve been Timewarpin

Brenda
I love you Tristan

General
I love you too honey

Brenda
So wheres this meal you gonna be cooking for me – im starving

General
Fuck cooking baby, lets go out & grab a romantic meal – I’m paying

Brenda
Sure

General
You’re gonna have to lend me another forty quid tho

Fin.

OUTRO

And so its time for us to go
I hope that you enjoy’d the show
Come again, bring ya friends
But not if theyve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin straight from the hip
So come on get a grip
Of the song as it slips from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our
Laud us at our play

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Timewarpin’: Scenes 6-7

yodamo Conchordia, Timewarpin'

PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

SCENE 6: Geneva, 2050

A meeting of the world leader cabal – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
When are we now

Dante
It is the year is 2050 – those people sitting down are members of the world leader cabal – they are so obsessed with money they are literally killing the planet earth all in the name of personal wealth

General
Pure greed

Dante
Essato – any moment now they are to receive a visit from a certain body of green activists

General
What, Greenpeace, Extinction Rebellion

Dante
No, these are the main guys, they call themselves the druids, my boy – & here they come, bang on time as usual – they’re very punctual are the pendragons

Enter druids

***

LOVE THE PLANET

Drowning islands, blood red diamonds
Assassin silence, it’s all the same
Sighing Parthenon, dying Amazon
Cryin’ now shes gone, we’re all to blamne

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Many people fear we must dissapear
(Melt away) Like a candle
Look inside your soul, we could lose it all
(People say) it’s a scandal

Children’s hunger pang, dead orangatang
We’ll go off with a bang, still in our youth
God got no halo, she lyin’ down below
Mother Gaia know the simple truth

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

When you look at me tell me what you see
(Am I real) am I worthless
Look upon the earth calculate its worth
(Can you feel) it is priceless
To ye high & almighty masters of economy
Thinking that ecology could never pay
Your grotesque cabal of kings
Got so many diamond rings

I’m talking world implosion
I’m talking bout soil erosion
I’m talk bout dirty oceans too

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Love the planet – don’t be a stranger
Love the planet – cos shes in danger
Love the planet – no need to change her ways
Cos she’s the only one we got

***

World Leader 1
Your protest has been noted

World Leader 2
You may leave…

Druid
We hope you heed our words of warning well

World Leader 3
Your advice has been registered

Exit druids / World Leaders burst into laughter

World Leader 3
Fucking hippies

World Leader 1
So, anyway where were we

World Leader 2
The Israelis – apparently they refuse to buy any more missiles

World Leader 3
We’ll see about that shall we

World Leader 2
Yes, I think a little war in the Middle East is long overdue

World Leader 1
After lunch gentlemen – listening to those beatniks has given me an appetite for some ethnic foods

World Leader 2
Grand idea

World Leader 3
How’s the new house coming along {insert name of world leader}

World Leader 1
Slowly – the natives are being a terrible nuisance – they simply refuse to leave the island

World Leader 2
Have you tried an epidemic – there’s plenty of Coronavirus still in storage at my castle in Luxemburg

World Leader 3
I’d like a new island myself, with the oceans rising so much these days… there’s plenty of new ones available

***

SHANGRI-LA

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna plant me my standard there
I’m gonna claim it for my country
As I build my country there

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a palace there
I’m gonna fill the pool with diamonds
Fountain rose milk everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me my prison there
I’m gonna chain the native wisemen up
In mucky dungeon’s air

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harem there
I’m gonan bed the local beauties
Scatter rubies everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 1
Oh, Islandwhana
Boer Country Farmer
We’ve got to count the spears
& bake the tears in ancient customs

World Leader 2
Oh, Las Malvinas
What comes between us,
Lets go to Amritsar & masticate
The old dominions

World Leader 3
Oh, Teotihuaucan
On the way to Japan
Conquistadors broke down the temple doors
& call’d priests Indians

Unlucky Lucknow
On the field of plassey
We’ll slaughter fine young braves
To save their souls from dark idolatry

World Leaders 1 & 2
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harbour there
I’m gonna send a boat for all my friends
This paradise to share

***

General
They are proper evil bampots, them lot, like

Dante
Indeed they are – it is time to explain why we are here.. the Rise of the Druids represents the spirit of your Brenda, pleading to common sense & humanity… while the World Leader are…

General
Are me, I presume

Dante
Essato, you really getting to grips with all this aren’t you

General
I think I’m getting it now, yeah, I have been a massive prick to Brenda, but its just, I’m just so young & so good looking & so fuckin talented – I cannae help it if the birds are into me, & its just so difficult to say no, especially when your mojo is on fire

Dante
Hmmm

General
What!?

General
You think you are so smart, so clever, so cool

General
I don’t think so, I know so

Dante
It is definitively time for your next lesson.. one in humility, I think you need to learn your place in the cosmos young man….

General
Lets do it

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

SCENE 7:  A Sri Lankan Beach

Enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
Where are we

Dante
This is the island of Ceylon

General
Where

Dante
Of course, they changed its name, didn’t they, what is it again, ah that’s right, we are on the beaches of Sri Lanka, Boxing Day 2004

General
Why does that date ring a bell

Dante
Look at that

General
At what

Dante
Look, out to sea

General
I cannae see anything

Dante
Look again

General
Nah, nothing… why’s the tide out so far

Dante
Look again

General
Fuck – it’s a tidal wave, we’ve gotta get out of her

Dante
You are perfectly safe with me, now watch, & listen

***

TSU-NA-MI

Dante
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember them fleeing those huge walls of water
That snapp’d them & toss’d them & made bloody piles
She’ll search’d for her daughter around Hambantota
A sad scene repeated some three thousand miles

Remember the host of the ghostly battalion
Imagine them drown’d in a growling sea
Beach-huts for driftwood, corpses for carrion
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember the sounds on the shores of Sri Lanka
The crunching & breaking & snapping & screams
As ships of pig-iron are ripped from the anchor
& pack’d teeming trains flung from bent, steely beams

Remember the trail of those waves of destruction
From Asia to Africa surged the wild sea
Remember, remember the Lord of the Ocean
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI!

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

***

General
I do, yeah, its like I’m a part of nature & we’re all one entity & everything

Dante
Very good, my boy, very good… I think you are ready

General
Ready, ready for what

Dante
For your final lesson… its time to take you home… ready?

General
I suppose I am, yeah, lets do it

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Timewarpin’: Scenes 3-5

yodamo Conchordia, Timewarpin'

PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

SCENE 4: ENGLAND (1643)

Mary Sutton, the swimming of a witch in 1608, Her cartwheel was broken: it was believed that if this was done a witch couldn’t curse you

An English village – Lucy Periwinkle is tied to a stake inserted in a pile of firewood – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
Where are we? When are we?

Dante
This is England, sixteen hundred & forty three – the height of the Civil War – you are about to witness the execution of a young woman call’d Lucy Periwinkle

General
What did she do

Dante
Nothing at all

General
Why’s she gonna die

Dante
Alas, Miss Periwinkleis an unfortunate victim of the ignorant & mindless perescution innate in every human being – on this occasion it is being channel’d through the evil spirit that was Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General – ah… speak of the Devil

Enter Matthew Hopkins & some surly looking peasants

***

BURN THE WITCHES

Matthew Hopkins
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
Were draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making bad potions
& sellin’ em all around town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why give me the tag of a satanic hag
I’ve done nothing to you, I’ve done nothing to no one
You can blacken my name, you can cut me with shame
But I know im a holy woman

Peasants
Down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin it all from the crown

 

Matthew Hopkins
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& spendin it all round the town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why put me on trial, I’ve never been vile
All I’ve been is something different
I heal with with my herbs, I shpiel with the birds
What’s wrong with the world, I’m innocent

Peasants
Down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin it all from the crown

Matthew Hopkins
What we gonna do with her people

Peasants
BURN HER!!!!

Matthew Hopkins
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
they ar just a bunch of bitches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

General
I cannae watch this

Dante
I know, gruesome stuff eh?

General
It’s bloody barbaric

Dante
I’m glad you noticed…

General
Can we not do something to help

Dante
I’m afraid its against the rules
{Lucy starts screaming}
Its better I get you out of here rapido – I would like to show you the exact opposite of persecution

General
What’s that

Dante
It is love, my boy, love for your fellow man… its time we hit the Sixties, the west coast of America, at the geographical & chronological centre of the Summer of Love…

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

SCENE 4: San Francisco (1967)

A group of hippies are having a sunrise hippy jam lovefest – enter Dante & the General from the space-time coninuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
It all looks a bit Charlie Manson to me

Dante
No, that is LA, a different vibe completely, Hollywood & all that dodgy cocaine… this is San Francisco – Heights Ashbury, acid country

General
Far out man

Dante
Sarcasm might not qualify as a sin in the yes of our Heavenly Father, but it is definitely annoying – no more

General
Alright, alight, chillax

Dante
Chillax?

General
It means chilling out & relaxing at the same time

Dante
{writing in a notebook}
Hmm, I like that, chill-lax, an interesting & most quality kenning

***

DOWN ON THE BEACH

As the drums are speeding
Johnny bums the weed in
& a mums breast feedin’
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the vibes enhancing
Dave the raves gone trancin
Sally belly dancing
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress

As the seagulls swoopin
Larry loop the loopin
Uma hula hoopin
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Brotherman’s gone mental
Davey transcendental
It’s a party central
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

Jenny’s gone all jiggy
Johnnys such a hippy
Touch ya soul & dig it
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the sunlights creepin
All the birds are leapin
John the bongs gone sleepy
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

 

The summer of love is coming
I can hear the tribal drumming
I can see the rainbow changin
All the colours are rearranging
Love is the answer

& tho Jonny looks like he’s nappin
His foot start tappin
It feels like he’s still a dreaming
To this song
& when he stands up clappin
It makes us happy
It feels like we were the dreamers all along

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the sun risin’
Over the summer sea
& when the suns comin
Up to the fun drummin
This timeless fantasy
Has never felt so free

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the ships roll in
Across the summer sea
& when the boats come in
Up to the fun drummin
All of our friends can be
Part of the family

***

Dante
Now we’ve been Timewarpin’
Thro all the tides of time
I hope some sense sinks in
Enough to guide your mind

Present Past & future
Will foreever keep alive
Til we find the answers, do ya
Sense them,

General
O yes I can

Dante
Give me your hand my man

General
Dante I plan to survive

Dante
Look at how they all love each other – good music, good people, feee love – they are living together under the spell of social acceptance – everybody is equal in the eyes of a hippy

General
Everybody drinks the same water, right

Dante
Essato
{swigging from a bottle}
Or in this case some rather delicious tropical rum, I found it near the hippies

General
I thought we weren’t supposed to get involved

Dante
Booze is allowed
{swigging from the bottle}
Its good – want some

General
Alright, gizza swig
{swigging from the bottle}
So where next

Dante
We shall now be focussing on one of the most important virtues

General
What’s that

Dante
Lotalty, my boy, loyalty… its time we went to Texas

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

***

SCENE 5: The Alamo, 1836

Davy Crockett is in his bed, the Mexican assault on the Alamo is raging all around inside the fort – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

***

THE ALAMO

Davy Crockett
Ay-ee-ya-yi-ee-yi-ee-yi-ee-yai
This is mine, this aint yours,
Theres one thing u should know
I’m a Texan, if ya Mexican
Ya gonna die in the Alamo

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a bowie knife
I’d lay down my life
For the holy rodeo

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

 

I don’t give a damn if ya coming for me
Cos im getting off on the odds
I got a gun for you I got a gun for two
I’m gonna blow ya back to your gods

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the hounds & dogs

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

Well Im’ fighting for the Alamo
Maybe its my time to go
The bloodlust fills my appetite
& fortifies my will to fight

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the wild frontier

Im gonna try in the Alamo
Im gonna try for the Alamo
Im gonna die in the Alamo
Im gonna die for the Alamo

Enter Several Mexicans – Crockett shoots some, runs out of bullets & is bayoneted – exit Mexicans

Lying down in my gory guts
I’m gonna die here on my bed
But all around my last battleground
the enemys blood was shed

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
remember me when im dead

***

General
Wow – so thats Davy Crockett

Dante
Davy Crockett, si – this is the Alamo fortress – Texas 1836, just a couple of hundred brave souls are battling 10,000 Mexicans – but for them the end has almost come

General
Why bring me here, dude

Dante
I wanted to teach you about loyalty – of defending your ideals & your responsibility – all Humans are capable of such nobility, but all you seem interested in right now is getting, how you say, off your face, & playing a strange game with sticks & balls, which you seem to lose at an awful lot

General
I’m just having a bad run of luck pal

Dante
No matter, as long as you absorb into your psyche that, just as Davey Crockett died for Texas, so every man must defend the honour of his woman

General
Alright, alright, I get it

Dante
Aha! I see a little chink has appeared in your, how would you say it in your colloquial – ‘nobhead armour’– the Divine spirit was right, as always, your soul might be saveable yet

General
So where next, this is cool

Dante
This time, my boy, we’ll be shooting forwards to the future!!

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Timewarpin’: Scene 1b

yodamo Conchordia, Timewarpin'

PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

Scene 1b: The General’s flat

The General is tied half-naked to a chair / Shannon hovers over him / Brenda is not happy

Brenda
Is this for fuckin real

General
It’s not what it looks like darlin

Shannon
It’s exactly what it looks like, actually, & it was all going great til you turned up

Brenda
Who the fuck are you

Shannon
Who are you?

Brenda
I… am his girlfriend, ya little slut

Brenda
Get out of my house now

Shannon
It’s not your house tho’ is it… its Tristan’s… who, by the way, never said he had girlfriend

General
You never asked

Shannon
No worries – I don’t mind at all, I’m polyamorous…
{putting on her coat}
It’s been fun… PM me

Exit Shannon / Brenda goes to throw one of her sex toys at her

Brenda
& dont forget your…. what the fuck is that

General
It’s a psychedelic spunk monkey

Brenda
It’s a what

Exit Shannon

General
Look, it doesn’t matter what it is babe. I’m sorry

Brenda
Sorry, sorry! – I do hope that’s the understatement of the century

General
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course it is, I’m proper, proper sorry – I’m absolutely devastated

Brenda
What, devastated you got caught or devasted you didn’t get to finish your sordid little gimp session

General
You… me… us… I mean, I dont know… things just havent been right in a while now, have they?

Brenda
Maybe they haven’t… but most couples talk about their problems… not go off fuckin other people… you’ve totally minced my head… youve broken us

General
Nah baby doll – nothings unfixable… a bit of spiritual super glue & we’ll be alright, we’re just having a bit of a blip… all relationships have em, right, its natural… now if you’ll be a wee sweetheart & untie me, we can sort everything out

Brenda
Look, nobhead, you’ve made your bed, now sit in it

Exit Brenda

General
Brenda, come back, where ya going, ya cant just leave me here like this, BBRENNNDDDAAA… ah, bollox

Dante.jpg

The General tries to get his phone but it is too far away – enter Dante Alighieri clapping hands

Dante
Bra–vo – complimenti!

General
Who the fuck are you – & what the hell are ya wearing

Dante
My name is Dante, Dante Alighieri, I have been sent from Heaven

General
Yo freakoid! Get the fuck out of my house before I call the Fuzz

Dante
Could you tell me, please, just how are you going to do that

General
Look mate – if you’re gonna rob me, fine, but please dont take my X-box, I’m about to get to level seven – mi bird’s laptop is over there, take that instead, its worth loads

Dante
I am not here to rob you, I’m here to help you

General
You’re here to what

Dante
Help you

General
Well, you could make a start by untying me

Dante
Una momento… first, I would like to tell you about my mission

General
Go on

Dante
My boy, since yesterday evening, do you realise you have comitted all seven of the seven deadly sins

General
I did?

Dante
Si… the pride you show for your, lets admit it, shitty pool-playing

General
Oi! what ya on about

Dante
Your sloth-like refusal to look for a job, your lust for another woman, your gluttony for drugs & alcohol, your greed for Brenda’s money…

General
You’d better watch what you’re fuckin’ saying mate

Dante
Your anger…

General
So what if I did, whats it got to do with you anyway

Dante
Well – I’m just the middle man in the operation – God is a very busy deity you know, & simply does not have the time to attend to all the sinners in the world – but every now & again there comes a special case where the Supreme Being likes to get a little more… involved

General
What, there’s actually a God

Dante
Of course there is

General
Wh-wh-what’s he like

Dante
The Omiscient One has no gender – but possesses infinite wisdom & has sent me to give you guidance

General
Guidance, whaddayamean

Dante
{untieing the General}
I’m here to save your soul boy

General
Right, listen here pal, I don’t know what cuckoo-cloud you just fell off, but you’d better get out my house before I throw you out

Dante
{grabbing hold of the General}
Delighted dear boy

General
Get off me……

They are transported to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro

General
What the … how the f… where the hell are we

Dante
We are on top of Mount Kilimanjaro

General
Kilimanjaro – in Africa – wooah – it is as well – I came here with my family as a kid! What just happened

Dante
Lets say that the allmighty has invested certain powers in me

General
O man – I knew I shouldnt have had any of Shannon’s ketamine

Dante
Tristan, my boy, this is real – I have the ability to transfer your body & spirit across time

General
You can – where’s your zany machine then

Dante
I do not need one – we will be travelling on the metaphysical planes, my boy, just hold on to me tightly & we’ll arrive at our next destination

General
Wow – this is mental – this is really fuckin mental

Dante
It is a little out of the ordinary isn’t it, I must say I was quite amazed the first time it happened to me

General
O, Brenda, you got it so wrong girl, so, so wrong… my life’s going nowhere, she said, Im never gonna get anywhere, she said, well how about crossing the space-time continuum honey….

SCENE 3: The Space-Time Continuum

Dante & The General are travelling thro’ time

TIMEWARPIN

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
We’re gonna soar thro’ the annals of time
We’ll get some good stuff in
When we’ll be watching centurions
Crossing those rubicons
Drinking that true Trojan wine

General
We’re goin Timewarpin
& I might never be coming back home
We’ll get some good lovin
Down in Julius Ceasar’s
Or his son Augustus
Or crazy Caligula’s rome

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin’ thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of this divine & sentimental feelin

Dante
Were going tightropin’
On a ribbony rope tho’ the air
We’ll get some good dope in
In those palaces of all the
Glorious & gaudy
Parises of Baudelair

General
Were goin Timewarpin’
& I’m leavin somebody behind
She might be good lookin’
But shes getting me thinkin’
Her company’s bringin’
Those monkeys that swing in my mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ll see is history

Dante
Shatter’d into pieces
Speaking to this species
As if Oddysean song

Tristan
Some sentimental feelin’

Dante
Time, time, Time x2
Is always goin in circles
Time, time Time x2

General
But nobody knows this for certain

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
Thro the chronicles of human kind
& from the mess you’re in
We shall dig out the man in your mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of the divine

Dante
Y’gotta rise your soul into a
Higher calling
Like a flyer fallin
We’ll be fireballin’

Dante
Once the day is done
Ya get one life no other one
Should never have to cast aside
Those dreams we had when we felt so alive

Hey boy hold on tight
Were like a symbiotic satellite
Goin up high with the pegasi
Beyond the ken of all your sciences

General
Alright I’m squeezing tight
But I’ve never been the bad type in my life
But if ya think that I need to try
A little harder then friend lets do this

Dante
We’re born, & then we die
Across the short chiasmic gulf of life
One should learn to quantify
Our celebrations & alliances

Hold on we wont be long
We gotta do that timewarp to the song
So we can work out whats right & wrong
Thro’ all our exits & our entrances

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Timewarpin’: Intro – Scene 1a

yodamo Conchordia, Timewarpin'

PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

INTRO

& so its time to say hello
I hope that you’ll enjoy the show
Gather round into the sound
But not if youve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin straight from the hip
So come on get a grip
Of the song as it slips from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our laud us at our play

SCENE 1: The General’s Flat

The General is at home playing his X-Box Live (italics for when he’s shouting at the screen) / Enter Brenda

Brenda
Alright babe… I said alright babe

General
Are you taking the piss, are you actually taking the piss
Hey honey – how was work

Brenda
As lousy as ever, I’m absolutely knackered, I can’t believe I’ve got to go out again in an hour – I really dont know how long I can keep this up for Larry

General
I’ve made you ya tea by the way

Brenda
O darlin’, – what is it, im starving

General
There’s a pot noodle & a wagon wheel on the side

Brenda
A pot noodle!?

General
It’s a Bombay Badboy – its yer favorite

Brenda
Thanks

General
You couldnt make us a cup of tea while the kettles on, could ya
They’re down there, behind that building, can’t you see them ya muppet

Brenda begins to make the tea / pot noodle

Brenda
Have you had any luck today

General
Nah, we still cant get past level six

Brenda
Not on ya stupid wank-box, I meant about getting a job

General
But babe – its Saturday

Brenda
I know its a fucking Saturday – its my double shift day – I’ve just done a morning down LIdl & now I’ve got 5 minutes to get changed & get down the chippy for seven hours – it was easier being a busker – you havent even washed up, you said you’d do it

General
Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it tonight — O baby

Brenda
Yeah

General
You couldnt lend us forty quid could ya

Brenda
Forty quid! How ya gonna pay me back

General
Its my giro on Monday

Brenda
What do you want it for

General
There’s a tournament on tonight down Diane’s Pool Hall

Brenda
It’s been 3 months since you won any money at pool

General
Exactly, my looks bound to change sooner or later right
Get in there, yes, come on, quality control!

Brenda
So basically, I’m out earning money while you’re blowing it on pool & beer –

General
Its an investment babe – mate
What are you doing, keep up, fer fucks sake
Do you not love me anymore

Brenda
Less & less each day, mate

***

BIG FAT DREAMER

While singing Brenda makes pot noodle, gets changed, makes Larry his tea, puts forty quid on the table

Ya just a big fat dreamer sat on ya ass all day
Stuck on ya couch that is where ya gonna stay
Ya just a big fat dreamer wastin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies
Don’t let life pass ya by
Just get on top & say goodbye
To your nice settee

Ya just a big time dreamer addicted to Home & Away
Smoking big fat reefers chained to a rolling tray
Ya just a big time dreamer dreamin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies…

Where you can take yer girl & maybe get a little action
Don’t let life pass ya by Just get on top & sacrifice
Ya really nice settee I know its nice & comfy
But turn off MTV & see how things could be
Why don’t ya take a stroll in the early morning
Sail a boat to a Spanish island
Join a book club, cook some good grub
Change ya ways & range ya style
Cos ya the best boy I’ve ever fell for
Now ya more of a bedtime stranger
This whole life that weve dreamt & planned for
Is now cursed with a certain danger
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away….

 

***

General
What was all that about – is it evil week or summat?

Brenda
Prick!!

Brenda storms out

***

MODERN MAN

General
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Well I’ve bin cruising with the cool crew to the music in our minds
We’ve bin wastin all our money on a marathon of lines
We’ve been foolin with the floozies & the ladies of the night
& we all get fuckin wasted cos it makes us feel alright

Who’d wanna be a workin man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed-up money maker
Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off spendin life on the dole

Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Enter Shannon who strips The General & ties him to a chair

It was a bad day for a hangover it was a Satday afternoon
Well my mistress came on over & she was synched up to the moon
{enter Brenda}
& then my girlfriend finished work early quite unexpectedly
& she found my mistress in her bed doing fucked up things to me

Who’d wanna be a modern man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed up money maker
Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off spendin life on the dole
I’d be better off playing rock & roll

Who are ya foolin x 4

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Tinky Disco: Scenes 8b-9

yodamo Conchordia, Tinky Disco

PART 2 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

SCENE 8b: The Mashhouse (continued)

The Silver Strobes are singer Aletia, keyboardist Primrose & guitarist Roger – Primrose & Roger start setting up their gear

TC
{picking up mike}
Sorry about that people – yer next tune’s coming right up

Aletia
{grabbing mike}
& it will be being played by the Silver Strobes, thank-you

TC
Who the fuck are you

Aletia
We’re the band, the Silver Strobes, where’s DJ Brooklyn

Brooklyn
That’s me, I’m Brooklyn

Aletia
You booked us to play tonight, right

Brooklyn
I did, but, you’re a bit late don’t you think

Aletia
Apologies for our tardiness, but its never too late for live disco

Roger
We’re in

Aletia
OK – la music sil vous plait

***

KATHMANDU

We’re setting the floor on fire
We’re setting the room on fire
We’re setting the roof on fire
We’re setting the house on fire

Summon us inside of you
Up in the hills of Kathmandu

We’re setting the land on fire
We’re setting the skies on fire
We’re setting the world on fire
We’re setting us all on fire

Summon us inside of you
Up in the hills of Kathmandu

 

I’m a disco lover & im breakin it down
Like a good time lover when the sun goes down
& all ya fun lovin people gonna hit the floor
Hit the floor hit the floor
When ya want some more
break it down

When the dealers fix us up
& the dj picks it up
all the minxes sex it up
It’s a disco mix it up

Shes foxy shake it down
Hes rockin all over town
One fun-funk family
kinky disco energy

When the bass lines burn it up
& the faces turn it up
Theres a heatwave on the floor
We’re the kids in a candy store

Hit the dance floor crank it up
Tinky disco crank it up
Hit the dance floor crank it up
Spin around & spank it up

We’re setting the spheres on fire
We’re setting the moon on fire
We’re setting the sun on fire
We’re setting us stars on fire

Summon us inside of you
Up in the hills of Kathmandu

Ah-ah-ah, Ah-ah-ah, Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah, Ah-ah-ah, Ah-ah-ah-ah

**

The crowd show massive appreciation – lights go up at the end of the song – Brooklyn takes the mike

Brooklyn
Wow, that was astounding, but times up people, its 3AM – thanks for coming down everybody & I’ll see you next time

The crowd moan their dissaffection

Brooklyn
There’s nothing I can do, guys – but remember, you’ve all been living legends tonight & I’ll see you at the next Wildcat Production

Aletia
Right, that’ll be 600

Brooklyn
You what – I’m not paying you 600 bucks for one fucking tune

Aletia
Look Brooklyn, we signed a contract when you booked us – there was no stipulation as to how long we played, just as long as we played,

Brooklyn
Look, right here you, – this is Scotland, you cant get away with that bullshit up here

Roger
Look sunshine, ya gonna pay us a what

Brooklyn
I aint paying ya £600 for one song

Primrose
But the crowd were loving it

Brooklyn
They were enjoying it, yeah, but they weren’t loving it – let me show you how high proper love from crowd can go – gimme that fuckin mike – TC – spin that shit

TC starts playing a cheezy disco track

Brooklyn
No, no, no, not disco, I mean some proper deep hip-hop beats bro

TC
Gotcha

***

IN DA HOUSE

TC
All the girlies in the house go yo (yo)

Brooklyn
Hand by hand we threaten this land
Making excuses just to expand
Twisted earth twisted land
DJ Brooklyn wants demands

From Edinburgh streets our memories bleed
Our bodies share the same scars
Metal tubes that we call cars
Ruin the skies & natures past

 

Crowd
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s the man…..

Brooklyn
Green grass throughout the land
New presidents elected ain’t so grand
Hold the world in warm hands
Iceberg cities melts into sand
Sewing the seeds for creative needs
Beneath dark streets the light is weak
DJ Brooklyn escapes with weed
Ignoring their fake news news news feeds

Crowd
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s the man…..

Brooklyn
We go where the wildlife flows
Following it down low, low, low

TC
All the girlies in the house say yo (yo)

Brooklyn
This is the way it should be
Work together & we’ll be free

TC
What ya saying Brooklyn!

Brooklyn
This is the way it should be
Work together & we’ll be free
Split nations on their knees
Crumpl’d spirits we will not be

Crowd
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s the man…..

Brooklyn
I’m the man…..

Enter Copper 1 & Copper 2 who switch off the music with a scratch / the crowd moan their dissaffection

Copper 1
We’ve been having complaints

Nelson
Not you two again

Copper
You can hear these tunes in the Grassmarket, we’re pulling the plug

Brooklyn
Alright mate, its game over, no sweat

Copper 1
If we hear another peep we’ll confiscate all the equipment

Copper 1
We’ll be watchin you lot

Copper 2
He means listening

Copper 1
Yeah, & watching as well

Copper 2
Behave yourselves

Nelson
{to exiting Coppers}
Nobheads

Aletia
We still want paying by the way

TC
& me, Brooklyn

Brooklyn
Alright look – here’s 300 for you Aletia, thanks for coming, it was your car that broke down, not mine… here’s your 500 TC, like promised, plus 20 for the pills, plus another 20 for four more cos looking at those two
{pointing at Katie & Krissie doing an erotic lesbo dance}
I’m gonna need em

TC
Look guys – fuck the po-lice, this party aint finished, lets all go down Leith Links – I’ll get a taxi to mine, pick up mi power speakers – they’re battery powered

Hamish
What about the Criminal Justice act of 1994

TC
What’s that

Hamish
Its when they bann’d gatherings characterised by the emission of a succession of repetitive beats – its still in force mate, even in Scotland

TC
Change of plan, we’re going up Arthur’s Seat instead – they’ll never get the meatwagons up there

Stacey
Wo-hoo – there aint no-one gonna stop us raving TC

SCENE 9: Edinburgh

Leith from Arthur’s Seat

CRIMINAL INJUSTICE

Exit everybody / they enter the Cowgate / the police are watching on

Brooklyn
These are our streets
These are our Scottish streets
& we can dance here if we want to
Midst the boulevards & fountains
But if I’m in the mountains
Making music with my friends
They can brand us tinky criminals
I guess that just depends
Upon your laws
No we don’t need them anymore
Cos its the rave
We’ve been waiting for
I said hello
Let’s dance like 1994
Cos its the rave
We’ve been waiting for

The party reach the Scottish Parliament / Holyrood Palace area

Nelson
After the rave
There is a melody
Something has changed
singing for you and me
After the rave
I’ll find the better me
I know I’ll survive
Cos when I look to the skies
I feel I’m feeling alive
Because I’m back with my tribe

The party moves into Holyrood Park

TC
These are our beats
These are our precious beats
& we can dance here if we want to
Midst the fauna & the heather
But when comes the paranoia
Of the government alarms
we can stick it to the lawyers
From our eco-friendly farms
I said hello, lets dance like 1994
Cos its the rave
We’ve been waiting for
& all your laws
No we don’t need them anymore
Cos its the rave
We’ve been waiting for

The party reach the top of Arthur’s Seat

Lily
After the rains
Then comes the rainbow
Something has changed
There is a new hope
After the rave
We’ll shoot a telescope
Up, up to the skies
Where I’m back with my tribe

Everybody
After the dark
There is a synergy
Up with the lark
Singing for you and me
After the rave
We’ll share a memory
I open my eyes
& as I look to the skies
I see I’m feelin alive

After the rains
Then comes the sun again
We can obtain
Light in the world of men
Into my veins just like a medicine
I’m feelin alive because I’ve opened my eyes

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Tinky Disco: Scene 8a

yodamo Conchordia, Tinky Disco

PART 2 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

SCENE 8a: The Mashhouse (continued)

Brooklyn is chatting to the General / Hamish, Stacey, Nelson & City are dancing – Enter Krissie & Katie – Brooklyn notices them arrive & makes his approch

Brooklyn
Here you go ladies, open wide

Katie
What are they

Brooklyn
Top grade ecstasy

Krissie
I’ll have one

Katie
Go on then, why not

Brooklyn
That’s for being the best looking girls in da house – so whats your names?

Katie
I’m Katie, this is Krissie

Krissie
We do everything together

Brooklyn
Cool, they call me Brooklyn… DJ Brooklyn – I organised this little soiree you are currently attending – are you enjoying yourselves

Katie
You’ve done well, we were just saying that, good effort dude

DJ Brooklyn
My pleasure

Enter The Cool Pool General

General
Alright girls

Katie & Krissie
Hiya

General
{to Brooklyn}
Aren’t ya gonna introduce us

Brooklyn
Sorry – where are my manners – ladies, this is my esteem’d gentleman friend The Cool Pool General – General meet ehmm, ehmm, this is erm… erm… O fuck it… I’m gonna call ya Real Madrid & Barcelona – General, mate, meet Madrid & Barca

General
Nice one ladies… so who’s up for a rave?

Katie & Krissie cheer their encouragement then hit the dancefloor with the General & Brooklyn / City approaches Nelson

City
Alright handsome

Nelson
Hey, City

City
Where’s Lily

Nelson
Shes in the loo I think – where’s Larry

City
He’s off chatting with some of his ‘associoates’ – you do know you’re a bit of a fox, don’t ya –

Nelson
A what?

City
A fox – you’re foxy

Nelson
I am?

City
Yeah, we’d a made a nice couple me & you, like the king & queen of the prom

Nelson
I’ve never thought about it to be honest

City
What, so since you’ve met me, even deep in your subconscious, you’ve never imagined what it would be like to, y’know, go with me on a high speed train

Nelson
A what

City
On a high speed train, when ya trevellin…’ Intercity

Nelson
Ehm

City
{kicking off her shoes}
I’m only teasin,’ come on, lets have a proper dance

***

FLIRTELITY

Nelson
Shes got no shoes on
I put my moves on
Its time to cruise on up
To the girl with the suncookin tan

City
I think hes clocked me
He’s proper cockey
Hope he’s no Cockney nob
Because hes a good lookin man

Nelson
She looks obscure
I’d like to do her
I’m lookin thro her top
& I stop cos I wanna cop some more

City
I’m up & struttin
Slip slide & slutty
Its time to cut inside
As I glide to his side cross the floor

Nelson
Ahh its kissin time
Gonna taste the tongue o’ this girl so fine

City
NO— you aint got there yet
I’m hangin on for my tete-a-tete

Nelson
I got my eye in
Cheatin & lyin
She is a lionesse
But I’m blest with a fast sharp fork tongue

City
He gives me twirl style
Twist like a turn style
Whippin the whirl while
I’m just happy ba-bobbin along

Nelson
I put my oar in
She’s all but snoring
She finks im borin’
But I’d test the best of Cairo

City
I like ya near
My hemisphere
I’d like to be ya
Date, or mate, or would you like to know

Nelson
I’m just killing time
Until the time your tongue is mine

City
Pure apocalypse when kissing slips
Between our lips

Nelson
You’ve got to keep on
Push down the pylons
Set off the fire alarms

City
Then keep the beat strong
Let your feet stomp
It wont be long before were one

Nelson & City
& when were both in harmony
That’s you & me in ecstasy
& when weve gone & harmonized
We’ll keep the feeling feelin’ really nice
You & me that’s harmony
Me & you, what shall we do

Nelson
I fink shes foxy
Without her socks yeah
Completely rocks the world
This girl with the sun cookin tan

City
He’s such a honey
So cute & funny
I’d like to run him home
Hmm-hmm he’s a good lookin man

***

Enter Lily

Lily
Whats goin’ on here then

Nelson
We were just having a boogie

City
Yeah, he’s got some nice moves has your man

Lily
He does, does he?

Enter Larry

Larry
Alright people – guess what I’ve got– Oh, you’ll never guess –I’ve only just gone & scored a gram of proper Walter White – cheeky line anyone

City
Walter White! Where the fuck did you get that from babe

Larry
Its coming in through the Chinese students

Lily
Nice one… I haven’t had any of that in years

Larry
Well shall we partake in the booth, its pretty discreet there

Lily
We’ll be with you in a minute

City
That is a proper score Larry

Larry
I thought so!

Exit City & Larry

Nelson
I’ve got this feeling you’re pissed off with me or something

Lily
Am I – I wonder why

Nelson
We were only dancing

Lily
Your hands were all over her – & you’ve got a semi -I should have left you to rot in jail, life’s a struggle enough without letting fucked-up muppets like you into it

Nelson
But baby, you’re the green mint triangle in the quality street box of my heart – the semi is because I’m talking to you

Lily
Is it

Nelson
Of course it is, our bodies are connected, like, spiritually

Lily
I’m really sorry – I’m not the jealous type, but I’ve only just found ya & I’m terrified of losing ya

Nelson
Come here

Lily & Nelson embrace

Lily
It’s not a semi anymore

Nelson
Come on, lets have that line

Exit a loved-up Lily & Nelson / Enter TC & Stacey luvd up

TC
Yo Brooklyn!

Brooklyn
Whats happening bro?

TC
Hold the decks for a couple of tunes will ya, me & Stacey are gonna have a dance

Brooklyn
No worries – & by the way, I’m proud of ya – you’re doing a wicked job pal, totaly saved the day

TC
It’s what I do, innit – I’m glad you asked me anyway, its kind of alright, this disco malarkey – gizza cuddle

TC & Brooklyn embrace

Stacey
Come on gaylord, lets boogie

SOLARIZED

TC
I cannot pretend
You don’t have a dart
It shot thro the smoke
& shatter’d my heart
Yes I know this is always
The way of the ravers
When you’re dancing for fun
Then some honey blows you away
In every way

I’m hypnotized
I’m making a bed in her eyes
I’m solarized
She might be the love of my life!

She is dancing

Stacey
We are dancing…

TC
Is this all a game
Some chemical ruse
My soul is aflame
It burns for my muse
She inspires me these fires
Are eternally blazing
When shes dancing for me
She can see that she blows me away
In every way

I’m hypnotized
She’s siftin’ the love from the lies
I’m solarized
She might be the light of my life

She is dancing

Stacey & TC
We are dancing…

Katie & Krissie start chatting up Brooklyn at the decks & distract him

TC
I’m open to something excepting evasive sensations
The twilight is over her solar eyes blow me away
In every way

I’m hypnotized
I think that I’ve just realized
I’m solarized
I’ve danced with the love of my life
O yes she is
There’s no doubt about it
O yes she is
I’m gonna scream & shout it
O yes she is
There’s no doubt it
No doubt about it

Tune finishes / Brooklyn becomes flustered / crowd moan their dissappreciation

TC
{running back to the decks}
Brooklyn, what ya playin’ at?

Enter the Silver Strobes…

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Tinky Disco: Scenes 6b-7

yodamo Conchordia, Tinky Disco

PART 2 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY

SCENE 6b: The Mashhouse (continued)

City, Larry the Axe, Lily & Nelson bump into each other

Larry the Axe
How ya doing Lillian! Nice to see ya darlin’

Lily
You too Larry… you’re looking good

Larry The Axe
I’m feelin’ good

Lily
{embracing City}
Alright babe

City
Glad ya could make it… who’s this ray of sunshine

Lily
He... is with me

City
Does he have a name?

Nelson
I certainly do. I’m Nelson, nice to meet you

{Nelson & City shake hands}

City
Ooo! Such strong hands – where’ve you been hiding this one, Lily

Lily
We’ve only just met, but its going really well

Larry
I’m Larry, mate, Larry the Axe, & this is my fiance Felicity

Nelson
Nice one, nice to meet yas

Larry
Likewise – so lets get this party started shall we – who wants a drink

Lily
I’ll have a G&T please

Nelson
I’ll give you a hand mate, lets do some bonding

City
Pernod & coke babe…. by the way, Nelson, do call me City… y’know cities never sleep, & I can keep going all night

Larry
{exiting with Nelson}
Sorry aboot that – she gets a wee bit excitable does mah lassie

Lily
Oi – hands off – you’re supposed to be engaged

City
Sorry, I’m coming up on half a pill, you know what I’m like

Lily
No worries honey – got any more

City
I don’t actually, I was hoping to catch TC

{Enter TC putting his arms round Lily & City}

TC
Yo-yo-yo ladies, thanks for coming down – the pair of ya are looking absolutely ravishing as always –so, is there anything I can do you for

Lily
Got any pills

TC
Obviously – here you, go there’s 10 in there, giz 60 & they’re yours

Lily
{to City}
Have you got 30 quid

City
I owe you a tenner from last time remember,

Lillian
O yeah

City
Heres 40 from me TC

Lily
& here’s the other 20

TC
Pleasure doing business ladies – I shall see you two on the dancefloor – looking down from my cool fucking DJ booth

Lily
It’s sounding good

TC
Cheers – I’ve got some proper bangers in the bank

Lily
Nice one

TC
Talking of which, there’s one coming up now, I’d better…

Exit TC

Lily
He’s such a wi-do that guy

City
Innit

Enter Nelson & Larry the Axe with drinks

Larry
Here ya go

City
Cheers babe

Lily
Nice one Larry

City
{handing out pills}
& weve got a little something for you

Nelson
Where d’ya get them from

Lily
You just missed TC

Nelson
Good!

City
Alright guys – to a top fucking night

Larry
Lets have it

They all down a pill

Lily
Right – lets fuckin’ boogie

GOOD TIME GIRL

Nelson
I’m a man you’re a woman
& a woman & a man gotta make a plan
In the frying pan
I see you comin along
With yer legs so long
In a full ensemble

I’m a man you’re a woman &
& a woman & a man gotta make a plan
When the plan demands
I’m standin’ singing my song
Coming along
Cos I know that I want ya

You’re a good time, a good time girl
& thats the kind I like-a right now, now
Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl

I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on her mind

Lily
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on my mind

 

 

Lily dances with Hamish who moves away from Katie & Krissie

Nelson

Im a friend & a lover & a lover is a friend
When ya sensing tension on the floor
I see you slippin the twirl & trippin the girl
They used to be after

When a man sees a vision & a vision sees a man
Its a mission if the competition grows
I see ya playin’ the star
Baby you are the belle of the baftas

You’re a good time, a good time girl
& thats the kind I like-a right now, now
Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl

I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on her mind

Lily
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on my mind

Lily
I know I’ll get a good good time
Because a good time is on my mind x 2
Yeayyeye –

Nelson
Shes so good lookin, im lovin’ my good time girl (repeat)

SCENE 7: The Ladies Toilets

The ladies toilet – Krissie & Katie are doing their make up & hair while queuing for a cubicle

Katie
What do you think

Krissie
You look great babe
{pointing to her make-up}
Just a little bit more here & it’ll be perfect

Katie
You know a mirror can only see so much – its essential to have an honest girlfriend with ya on a night out

Krissie
It’s a wicked buzz tonight

Katie
But Tinky Disco, what the fuck does that mean

Krissie
Dunno – but it kinda fits, especilly with that dodgy gadgie TC on the decks

Katie
He’s cute tho

Stacey leaves her cubicle – stares the girls down

Stacey
Boo!

Katie
Charming

Krissie
What a barnpot!

Katie
Anyway, you go in first, it looks like you’re busting

Krissie
Thanks – I am – will you do my dress for me, its too tight

Katie
I don’t know why you put on such baffling outfiits Krissie– I mean they look great, but are completely impracticle

Krissie
Cheers – I wont be long

Enter Brenda looking for India

Brenda
India?

India
I’m in here

Brenda
You alright?

India
I’m just having a pee

Brenda drops her bag, bends down to pick it up & sees a needle wrapper on the floor of India’s cubicle

Brenda
Oi, India, what are you up to in there

India
I’m having a pee, leave me alone

Brenda
Are you a diabetic or summat

India
No

Brenda
Well why are you dropping needle packaging on the floor

India
Ehm

Brenda
I know exactly what youre doing – it’s a fucking mugs game love
{to Katie}
Sorry about this

Katie
Is she a smack head?

Brenda
Think so… come on India, its not worth it, you’ll ruin yer life on that stuff

India
Away ‘n’ bile yer heid

Katie
What’s she called

Brenda
India

Katie
Hey India – smackupuncture’s not cool babe, especially in a nightclub, its rude

A sustained silence – Krissie leaves the cubicle

Brenda
India, come on out, we can talk about it, trust me, I’ve been there, let me help you out

India flushes the loo then exits the cubicle & gives Brenda a hug

Brenda
That’s the first step darlin, well done, now listen up

***

TINKY DISCO SAVED THE JUNKIE

Brenda
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go

Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
I see you headin down that track
That shit is worse than a heart attack
It kills you & your friends yeah

Don’t shoot that shit into your arm
That shit is gonna do you harm
Don’t shoot that shit into your legs
You’ll end up hobbling round on pegs
With the gutter dregs

Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky

Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey

Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky

Katie, Krissie, Brenda
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go

Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
You aint no joker in the pack
You’ll soon be choking on your back
The bullshit never ends yeah

Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes
That shit’s the devil in disguise
Don’t shoot that shit into your veins
You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains
& your grandma hangs her head in shame

Katie
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
You aint no joker in the pack
You’ll soon be choking on your back
The bullshit never ends yeah

Krissie
Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes
That shit’s the devil in disguise
Don’t shoot that shit into your veins
You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains

Brenda
& your grandma hangs her head in shame

Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky

Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey

Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky

Katie, Krissie, Brenda
Tinky Disco saved a junkie

 

 

Enter Lily

Lily
Chennai
Shanghai
Moscow
Rio de janero
Jo-berg
Saint Petersburg
Helsinki
Y’all keepin it tinky

Glasgow
Chicago
Tirana
Espanola
Bolton
Haddington
San Francisco
Lets all have a disco

Brenda
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
I see you headin down that track
That shit’s worse than a heart attack
It kills you & your friends yeah

Lily
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
To get that monkey off your back
Just chuck that monkey in a sack
& let the fucker drown

Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky

Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey

Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky

Katie, Krissie, Brenda, Lily
Tinky Disco saved a junkie

***

India
I’m hearing ya, girls, I really am,

Krissie
Listen to her – shes a good friend

Katie
Its not worth it – anyway, see you on the dance floor girls

Exit Katie & Krissie

Lily
Taking heroin is like getting stuck down a rabbit hole, doll –

Brenda
& it aint no wonderland down there, trust me

India
You’re right – im just a bit misguided sometimes

Lily
Look, let’s chop some uppers out –I’ve got a wee coke & ecstasy cocktail that’ll put a kick in yer grove

India
OK cool

Lily
Brenda, you in

Brenda
If you don’t mind

Lily
Course not –would you mind stepping into my office ladies

City, Brenda & Lily enter the cubicle laughing

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen