PART 1 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY
SCENE 3 – The New Bongo Club
Nightclub – there is a bar, a bouncer & a dance floor / Lily, Sally & Ally sharing a tequila with General
***
MUMBO JUMBO
All
Stevie Austin, we thought we’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston x 3
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4
And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground
General
Down on the dance floor, I couldn’t find mi dealer
Want to entrance more, so I bought some tequila
When you feel flakey, honey,
Shakey, shakey, shake yer money
There’s one thing’ll heal ya – that’s a shot of tequila!
Raver
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TEQUILA!
All
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4
And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground
Enter TC & Nelson
TC
Well mi name is TC, I’m on a smart E
Lookin’ for a bangin’, phat girlie
The Tiger Cubs are ripping up the club
& everybody’s tripping to the woo-woo
Its Stevie Austin, they thought they’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston
Top banana, hot love karma,
Nelson’s looking chuff’d
Cause I took him to the club where all the
Mumbo Jumbo kids are coming up
& as the bouncer’s getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground
TC
Welcome to the Bongo club brother, whaddaya reckon
Nelson
Fuckin’ tops, there’s nothing like this in my hometown
TC
Yeah, all handbag house & happy slappers down your way – welcome to paradise – I mean – have you ever seen such quality tottie
Nelson
Only on the telly
TC
Trust me, mate, most of em are available,
know what I mean?
General
Yo TC, long time no see, where’v ya bin
TC
Got stuck in a lift mate
General
Did ya? Anyway am I glad to see you
TC
Why whats up
General
The clubs dry, pal, everyone’s necked their pills, the dealers are nowhere to be seen & we’ve finished off the house tequila – even the legal highs are illegal these days – since them SNP got in power it’s bin proper hard to get off you face – please tell me yer packing summat TC?
TC
Not really, I could spare you a bit of billy
General
Nah, I don’t touch the devi’ls dandruff mate, me & just about everyone else in the the club’s lookin for ecstasy
TC
Sorry mate, can’t help ya
General
Nah worries, nuff respect
TC
Respect… yo, Nelson, I’d like to introduce you to a good friend of mine… Nelson, meet the Cool Pool General, the best hustler in Scotland
Nelson
Nice to meet ya
General
Likewise… say TC, you goin’ down the hall later, pocket a few balls?
TC
We’ll see what the night brings eh
General
Hopefully one of those pretty little lovebirds over there – wish me luck, I’m going in
General goes off dancing
TC
You know Nelson, I think I might have spotted a small business opportunity
<gets out phone>
Yo, Charlie, any chance of scorin a hundred o those Dutch eccies…. how much…. you in now… right, I’ll be there in twenty minutes…
<hangs up phone>
Yo Nelson mate, I’m just off on a little mission, look after mi stash will ya
TC gets bag out of underpants / Nelson holds bag as if to say – uuugh thats been down your pants
TC
I got good vibes about you, son – I know a trustworthy geezer when I see one – there’s a few grammes of charlie in there, & a bit of weed – after the rave ya can crash at mine – we’re all set for a bangin’ night – but, if ya fancy skinnin’ up, whatever you do be discreet – the bouncers are proper tight round these parts, but it’s the punters ya got to worry about the most, they’ll pounce on ya like a pack of volossur raptors – anyway, gotta fly – laters
Exit TC – Nelson looks in bag – finds a corner & begins to skin up – one by one the chorus (Lily, Sally, Ally & the General) notice him & flock around
***
FLIPSIDE OVER EASY
Chorus
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round
Bouncer
I’m a bouncer down the Mumbo Jumbo
Ya fuckt up in the head my son,
If you light that up I’m gonna do you over
For messin around in my joint!
Nelson
Hey chill, man chill, lets split this pill,
There’s plenty of time fer that
When you’re a free man!
I’m gonna skin up here if I have to,
I’m gonna skin up whenever I want to,
I’m gonna skin up right in yer face man,
I’m gonna skin up in yer home-boys place &
I’m gonna pass it on to all my friends,
Who are Flipside Over Easy x3
Flipside Over Easy, inside-out & round & round,
This way, that-a-way,
Any which way that I’m wantin to go,
I’m back-to-front, I’m comin up,
Bouncer
Ya goin down…
Chorus
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round
Girls
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
General
I remember when I carry
Ten bags of mari-mari
But I smoked it til it was dead
I didn’t have a reefer to ease my head
Yes you don’t know what I need
You don’t know what I need
I need some weed
Harmony 1
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round
Harmony 2
Aaaaahhhhh….
Harmony 3
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Nelson lights up spliff & Bouncer drags him off
SCENE 4 – In the street outside club
Nelson is thrown out of the club
Nelson
Let us back in mate
Bouncer
Look, fuck off
Nelson
Did you go to nobhead school or summat, come on let us back in, man
Bouncer
You’re definitely not coming in now
Nelson
Whats that?
Nelson points to imaginary plan & tries to run in but is thrown out again
Nelson
Woah-woah- woah- what ya doin- do you know who I am
Bouncer
Yeah I know who you are, ya barr’d, now fuck off
Nelson
It was only a wee spliff – mate, cmon let us back in
Bouncer
House regulations lad – theres a Dub night on down Cabaret Voltaire tonight – they turn a blind eye to that ganja stuff – you may get away with it there, but not in here, not get yourself out
Nelson
But…
Lily exits club – Nelson looks at her ass & falls in love straight away
Bouncer
…& don’t come back
***
BLONDE GIRLS
Nelson
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Cos it makes me go weak at the knees
Your posterior is shakin up my area
Im beggin yer darlin let me touch it please
Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
That’s the best ass I’ve ever seen
& your posterior is shakin up my area
Im beggin yer darlin let me kiss your booty clean
Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise
Because brunettes are better in the winter
God damn it everythin’ gonna get in the spring
& in autumn those auburns are better
But in summertime those blonde girls
Well they’re my thing
Blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise
Lily
Nice song… whats your name
Nelson
Prince Nelson the Fourth
Lily
A prince eh
Nelson
Yep thats me
Lily
Well, your highness, I’m Lily
Nelson
Honoured
Lily
I saw you get kicked out of the club… that’s no way to treat royalty… hard lines
Nelson
Yeah, just for a wee spliff, n’all… so darlin, where’s such a radiant angel like yourself off to all on her lonesome
Lily
I thought I’d go home, the clubs dry
Nelson
I’ve got a couple of pills on me
Lily
You have? You dont have any coke as well, by any chance
Nelson
Coke, nah… wait-waitaminute, what was I thinkin, of course I do, I got loads of the stuff
Lily
Fancy havin a… session… at mine
Nelson
You got any booze
Lily
One of my mates, a barmaid down the Pond, she usually sell us some under the counter if I’m stuck
Nelson
Wicked, lets get a few bottles of pricey bubbly in, I’m payin baby – TAXI!!
Exit Lily & Nelson – General arrives
General
Yo mate, you haven’t seen a blonde girl have ya, she had an ass like an angel
Bouncer
Aye
General
Which way did she go?
Bouncer
You’re outta luck mate, she just jumped in a taxi with that arsehole I just threw out of here
General
Gutted… say, you don’t have any pills for sale do ya?
Bouncer
I might have… just watch the door a minute while I nip to my car, & whatever you do
DON’T LET ANYONE IN
General
No probs
Exit bouncer / enter two scallys
General
(practicing to himself)
If ya names not down, ya not comin’ in
Enter Gadgie II
Gadgie II
Alright mate, I’m on the guest list
General
Sorry, I cant let ya in til the bouncer gets back
Gadgie II
But I’m reviewing for the Mumble -Damo said I’d be on the guest list
General
I cannae do it – you’re gonna have to wait
Gadgie II
(holding up bag of coke)
How about a line of this
General
Ooo! In you go
THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO
“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”
Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen
The world’s leading exponent of Dramatic Blank Verse
***