Scene 6: Outside the Bongo Club

TC & Nelson are talking to the Bouncer

TC
Listen here you daft cxxt, if I hear one more word out of you…

Bouncer
& what did he say?

TC
Nothing… he just walked away dinnee – I mean, I aint paid an Edinburgh City parking fine in ten years & I’m not gonna start now

Bouncer
Damn right, in you go lads – & I hope you’re not up anything tonight TC

TC
Would I?

TC shakes Bouncers hand as they go in / the bouncer opens his hand to find a red & blue ecstasy tablet

Bouncer
Red or blue? Red or blue? Sod it

Bouncer double drops

---

Scene 7: The Bongo Club

Erb & Ting are playing – Laura & Maria are among the ravers

REAL DEAL

MC
Monkey to the West, monkey to the East
Something going on in the call of yer mind
Cos theres a whistle posse cryin for peace
Everybodys grooving to the thrill in your mind

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

MC
It’s so hot, burnin’ like a sauna
If ya call yer mother y’know she’ll disown yer
Everybody’s happy, the club’s like a beach
There’s a simple presence that we’re tryin to preach

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Enter Nelson & TC

TC
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body x2

Nelson
It’s so sharp, sharper than a razor
It gives a little sizzle when ya dip in the sea
& it cut some ice, cut it like a lazer,
Everybodys digging who ya tryin to be

MC
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Ravers
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

Nelson
Deep & fat, dirty & funky
Sing it like a cat or swing it like a monkey
What ya do with yer time is yer own design
Everybodys groovin to the thrill in yer mind

Harmony 1
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal

Harmony 2
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body

Harmony 3
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

***

Nelson
Its kickin off tonight, big style

TC
Yeah man
{giving Nelson a few pills}
In case we split up

Nelson
I’m proper mash’d already me, these blue eccies are absolutely blindin – gimme some love bro
{they hug}
Talking of love – I love Lily, me, I really do love her, but bloody hell, it’s like the hen-do of the gods tonight

TC
Yeah, man, check out those two Latinos over there
{pullin out pills & pointing to Maria & Laura doing doing an erotic dance}
I might get a chance to try out one of these babies

Nelson
What are those – viagra?

TC
Nah mate, Ketamagra

Nelson
Ketamagra, what the fucks that

TC
Horse viagra – they keep you up for days bruv, if you know what I mean

Nelson
Uugh – you’re a fuckin animal you – & yer got disco foam

TC
{wiping pasties with finger & thumb}
Are they gone

Nelson
Nah mate

TC
{wiping furiously}
Gone nah?

Nelson
Yeah, looking good

TC
Sweet – so back to business, I’ve got a pocket full of chick tokens & I wanna cash em in

They reach Maria & Laura

TC
Good evening ladies

Nelson
Maria! Laura!

Maria & Laura
Ciao Nelson!

Nelson
What the fuck are you doing here?

Maria
We are looking for Alessandro, have you seen him?

Laura
He’s-a meesing

Nelson
He’s missing as well! This shit is just getting crazier & crazier

TC
Sorry to interrupt ladies – I hope you don’t mind – it appears that you all know each other?

Nelson
We met in Italy a couple of days ago – they’re Don Vito’s girls

TC
Wow, well, welcome to Scotland – my name’s TC
{kissing hands}
Now, why don’t you three find a table, & have a wee ccatch up – I’ll bring some drinks over, what are you having?

Laura
We like champagne

TC
{splurting out his drink}
Champagne…!?

Maria
Si, good champagne

Nelson
Just get the drinks TC… I’ll have a lager, here you are girls, there’s a table free over here…

---

Scene 7: Outside the Bongo

Barry the Bouncer is buzzing / City arrives running

Bouncer
Good Evening Felicity

City
Alright Barry – is TC in

Bouncer
He certainly is – he’s got some proper nice pills n’all, I’m buzzin mi tits off here

City
Very professional

Bouncer
In you go darlin’

City enters the club, Charlie & Bulldog arrive

Bouncer
Allright boys

Charlie
Bulldog!

Bulldog steps up eagerly & sparks out the Bouncer / He then grabs the Bouncer by shoulders & slaps him about a bit

Bulldog
He’s out cold

Charlie
Leave him

Bulldog
Still got it aint I boss

Charlie
You never lost it, Bulldog, you never lost it
Now in we go, keep yer eyes peel’d

---

Scene 9: Nightclub

Nelson, TC, Laura & Maria are in deep discussion around a table, the rave is bangin’ all around

MC
Posse ready, posse go… hey hey hey!!
Posse ready, posse go… hoe hoe hoe!!

Enter City

City
Boys! Boys!

Nelson
City – are you alright?

City
Charlie knows you’re here – he’s on his way his down right now – he’s gonna be here any minute

Nelson
Fuck – what are we gonna do?

TC
We’re gonna get out of here, that’s what we’re gonna do

Nelson
But what about…

Laura
We go weeeth you

TC
Right lets skedaddle – we can get onto the Royal Mile thro’ the upstairs’ bit

Exit City, Nelson, TC, Laura & Maria / enter Charlie & Bulldog – jostled by ravers, checking everybody in club / causing trouble

MC
We aint got no time for no light-weight’s an no slaver chops, fuck keeping your trainers clean… let’s ave it… wait a minute – who are these fuckin wannabee bad boys messin up the vibes – donít come ‘ere an try & be Moses partin the rave sea…. get out of my fuckin club

Charlie snaps / draws gun from sling / roars / Lets rip at MC / the stunned MC drops behind decks / other ravers run out

MC
Security to the dancefloor – security to the dancefloor

Charlie lets off a few more rounds, when it stops clicking the MC gets up & dashes out

Bulldog
Bleedin ‘ell gav, ya’ve emptied ya clip… & the club…

Charlie
I fuckin hate dance music me – it sounds like someone’s kickin a drum kit doon a set of stairs

Enter Bouncer, raving

Bouncer
Alright boys – whats going on – why has the music stopped?

Bulldog
Can I do ‘im again boss, can I, can I?

Charlie
Nah, he’s done, & so am I – not to mention thoroughly piss’d off – come on Bulldog, let’s get out of here

Bouncer
Nice one lads! Top fuckin night!

Exit Charlie & Bulldog

---

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

---

SCENE 5: City’s Pad

City is at home, alone, chopping out a line of coke / the intercom buzzes

City
Who’s that?

Nelson
Alright City, its Nelson

City
Nelson? Do come up

Enter Nelson wearing an Italian hand-bag

Nelson
How’s it going

City floors Nelson with a handy mallet

Nelson
What the fuck? Come on City, back off

After a tussle Nelson wrestles an agitated City to the floor

Nelson
Have you gone mental or what!?

City
How dare you… how could ya… why, why would ya

Nelson
What ya on about… I’ve done nothing

City
Naffink… how about setting my dad up with them murderous Wops

Nelson
Wops? What… Don Vito

City
Yeah, that’s the prick

Nelson
Nah… not Don Vito… he’s a disco-dancing gangster

City
Well, this diamond geezer o’ yours has just killed my little brother

Nelson
Whoa! Archie’s dead

City
Yep

Nelson
Chill out City! Look me in the eyes – do you think I would honestly get involved in something like that – I’m gonna stand up now… the bats over there… if you don’t believe me, use it!

City
It’s not a bat, it’s a mallet you muppet!

Nelson lets City go / she grabs mallet then pauses

Nelson
You gonna tell me whats going on?

City
Because of my mate Lily you got the best job in mi dad’s organisation, his fucking liason officer, swanning off round the friggin world, all expenses paid, & all you could do is betray our trust

Nelson
What are you on about – what exactly happened to Archie?

City
Well, Charlie & Archie were dahn the docks meeting your so-called mates – anyway, those fackin Wops decide to shoot everyone up & do a runner with the reddies & all the fucking coke

Nelson
Shit! I don’t know what to say… Don Vito seemed on the level

City
So, you really knew nothing about it

Nelson
Too fuckin right I knew nothing about it – I thought those Mafia boys were sound, tho’ – I wouldn’t have put Don Vito down as the dodgy type

City
He’s a facking gangster, Nelson, of course he’s the facking dodgy type – in this game the only people you can really trust are your family – & I’ve just gone & lost the one I trusted most, my beautiful bravver

Nelson
This is so fucked up – this time last week I was at my work in Peebles – I’d never even seen Edinburgh, let alone been to Italy. But, there’s no chance I’m ever going back to Peebles, its shit. I have to stay in Edinburgh now, I gotta sort it out with the Don.

City
You’re ‘avin a fackin laugh aintcha, my dad would have you killed the moment he saw you -listen, its Archie’s funeral tomorrow, I’m all over the place, have a drink with me, Moet & Chandon, very expensive

Nelson
OK, why not, I think I need a drink

City pours him champagne

City
Cheers – let’s have a cheeky line as well
{City starts chopping out the lines}
You know, Lily’s a lucky girl, to find a guy like you, youre cute & clever… a proper lush combo

Nelson
Thanks, but speaking of Lily a minute – that’s why I’m here – where the fuck is she – she’s just vanished

City
Ask TC

Nelson
TC?

City
Yeah, she bolted to his the night it all kicked off… she was in a right old state – we had a wee chat, didn’t speak long, & I haven’t heard a tinkle from her since – she’s even off her facebook

Nelson
& her twitter, snapchat, messenger, instagram & her whats app – I’ve tried em all

City
Yep, very weird

Nelson
{getting up}
I’ve gotta go & find her

City
What’s the rush? Do you not fancy chilling for a bit, tell me all about your trip to Italy, I could do with the company

Nelson
I’d love too… you know I would… but I can’t…

City runs to the front door / locks it / Nelson laughs & walks to City

Nelson
Come on City, dont mess us about, give me them keys

City
{putting them down her bra}
Why dont you get em yerself

***

LETS GET IT ON

Nelson
Ya betta know ya business
Ya gotta twirl those girls around
Then you can swap yer missus
for the cutest girl in town
You gotta act all surreptitious
Gotta sneak in right behind
Lace her neck with kisses
That stuffs sure to blow her mind

City
I say get down eezy geezer
God I’d love to dance with you
You got the grooves & I got the moves
& one & one makes two
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They dance

Nelson
I love the way ya waltzing
Thro the funkstyle on the floor
Like a starving solzenhitsen
Waving scarves of semaphore
& I love the way yer hanging
Like a bird upon the air
I love yer smile, & I love yer style
& I’d love to smell your hair

City
So how about it baby
The call is up to you
I can make you feel your body’s real
Just how you’d like me to

Yes, two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

Nelson
Well you are so fucking tidy
& I know you know you are
Like a pornographic Heidi
In a silver jaguar
On a drive beside the ocean
On a balmy night in June
When the stars dance in devotion
To the music of the moon
Lets get it on
Lets get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They are just about to kiss when the Intercom buzzes

Nelson
Don’t answer it

City
It might be Lily

Nelson
In that case, definitely don’t answer it

City
Who’s that?

TC
Alright City, darlin, its TC, let us in

City
Hey TC come up

Nelson
How does he do that?

City
We’ll carry on where we left off later, right

Nelson
Ehm, about that, I think we got a bit carried away there – that coke of yours is pretty strong

City
That wasn’t the coke, Nelson, that was our chemistry

TC starts banging on the door

City
Hang on, hang on – shit where’s my keys, I can’t find them

Nelson
I think they’re down, ehm

City
Oh, yeah

City opens the door

TC
Alright City, hey Nelson, what the fuck are you doing here?

Nelson
I just got off the plane

TC
If I were you I’d jump on the first flight back – you do know you are a dead man walking

Nelson
So I’ve heard – but listen man, honesty, I never knew those Mafia Boys were dodgy

TC
Of course you didn’t, mate, you’re too fucking stupid to pull a heist that slick – but there’s blood on somebody’s hands & unfortunately, your fingerprints are all over the shooter – say, is that a little changa I see before me

City
Help yourself

TC
Sound

Nelson
Yo TC, have you seen Lily

TC
Lend us a card

Nelson
{getting out his bank card}
Where is she

TC
How do I know?

Nelson
Yer a good guy TC, but sometimes yer go too far with that funny shit…

City
He knows where she is

TC
Alright, alright…she’s staying with me, but she wont be in tonight, though, she’s off to Glasgow… says she’ll be back tomorrow

Nelson
What’s she doing in Glasgow

TC
{snorting coke}
She never said

Intercom buzzes

City
Fuck’s sake – who’s that?

Charlie
Let us in Felicity

City
Shit – its Charlie

Nelson
Well tell him you’re not in or summat

City
It’s a bit late for that – what do you want Charlie

Charlie
Its yer dad’s business

City
Hang on a minute, let me just get dress’d – what do I do

TC
I don’t know about you, but he needs to get out of her pronto

City
The kitchen window leads out back

TC
Nice one… Nelson come on, we’re outta here

City
Where ya going

TC
We’ll be down the Bongo Club, Erb & Ting are on

Nelson & TC leave / buzzer still going

City
Awright keep yer hair on… in yer trot

Enter Bulldog & Charlie

Charlie
Where is he?

City
Who?

Charlie
Don’t take the piss… I know Nelson’s back in Leith & odds on he’s been here…

City
Aint seen him

Charlie
Whats all this then? Looks like you’ve had company – Bulldog, have a look around

City
One of mi girlfriends popped round for a glass of wine & a couple of lines – she left five minutes ago – anyway, how dare ya burst into my house & start shoutin yer maath off… wait til my dad hears about this

Charlie
{picking up bank card}
Yeah, wait til he hears about this – what Nelson’s fuckin bank card – tell me where he is & we’ll say no more about it

Bulldog
‘E’s not here boss

Charlie
Any ideas?

Bulldog
He could be with TC

Charlie
Of course, what am I thinking – shite attracts shite dunnit, & the pair of them act like a couple of fackin buffters

Bulldog
There’s a rave down the Bongo tonight boss

Charlie
Yeah, yeah, that’s where they’ll be alright

City
Nah, nah, TC’s left town for a few days, & Nelson’s gone back to Peebles, he says, to see his gran, she’s ill or summat

Charlie
Lyin bitch – if you weren’t his daughter, I swear…

City
Well I am… so, what that fuck ya gonna do about it, big man

Charlie
A headfuck without the bodyfuck… whats the point

Bulldog
Lifes a bitch then yer marry one boss

Charlie
Exactly, now come on, let’s get down the Bongo

Exit Charlie & Bulldog

---

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

---

SCENE 2: Don Vito’s flash villa in Italy

Don Vito is working out to disco music with Maria & Laura

FUNKABILITY

Don Vito
Have you seen Don Vito
Slick as Liberace
I always wear the coolest clothes
Armani, Versace

Maria & Laura
They call him Mr Dandy
He’s the coolest cat in town

Don Vito
& when I’m feeling randy
I get all those girls around
Who say

Maria & Laura
Hey, Don Vito, where did you get those trousers from?
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me

Don
I wanna show you some of my boogie therapy

Dance routine – Enter Nelson with Allessandro & Luigi

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you ravish with me
Why don’t you show me some of your sexuality

Don
Yeah, yeah, my boogie therapy

---

Don Vito
Allessandro

Allessandro whispers in Don Vito’s ear

Don Vito
Ah Benvenuto in Italia! Sono Don Vito

Nelson
Eh?

Don Vito
You do not speak-a de Italian

Nelson
Sorry, no

Don
Well, let me start again – welcome to Italy – I am Don Vito

Nelson
Very pleased to meet you Mr Vito, it’s an honour

Don Vito
Piaceri – you are here on Donaldo’s business, si?

Nelson
I am, Mr Vito

Don Vito
So you have something for me

Nelson
{handing over a package}
Yes Mr Vito, its in there

Don Vito
Grazie
{getting a teddybear out of the package}
Ah – bella – it is the famous Eduardo – Donaldo tells me he love-a this bear since he was a bambino, si. Now I-a love heem for loving this bear, & I love you for bringing this bear to me – molto, molto, molto, molto grazie so, are you hungry, you wanna some food

Nelson
Well, I‘m starving, actually

Don Vito
Va bene – mangia!

Don Vito clicks his finger. Maria & Laura bring out a table, chair, pizza & wine

Don Vito
Mi scusi
{makes a call}
Ah Donaldo – your teddy bear bringa de tears to my eyes-a – everything will happen as we discussed, the boat will be leave the Netherlands tomorrow night – & you too Donaldo, ciao, ciao
{hangs up phone}
Now Nelson, I must-a take-a da care of some-a business – my girls will look after you – this Maria & Laura

Nelson
Ladies – thank you for your hospitality Mr Vito

Don Vito
Niente, niente, ciao

Exit Don Vito

Maria
So, Nelson, what would you like-a to do now you are in Roma, the most beautiful city in the world

Nelson
I’ve always wanted to see the Trevi Fountain

Maria
Of course – it is a very beautiful place! Va bene – eat your food, then andiamo

Nelson
Andy who?

Laura
Andiamo – lets go

Nelson
My names not Andy, its Nelson

Laura
Nooo – in Italian andiamo means lets go

Nelson
It does, sorry about that – you got any ketchup

Maria gestures to Laura to get ketchup then stares at Nelson as he eats

Maria
You Ingleesh eat-a like-a the peeg

Nelson
I’m nae English, doll, I’m fae Scotland

Nelson tucks into his food like a hungry Highlander

---

SCENE 3: The Docks

It is a stormy night / Charlie & Archie enter a scruffy lock-up

Archie
Nice…

Charlie
Missing yer palace are ya Archie boy

Archie
Fack off – anyways, chop em aht before them Sweeneys get ere

Charlie
Sweeneys?

Charlie
Y’know – Sweeneys, Benito Mussolinis

Charlie
Eh?

Archie
You know the Wops, the Itis, the Mafia boys

Charlie
O yeah… big fat line do ya

Archie
Sweet as mate

Charlie starts chopping out the lines / Sound of a boat’s engine

Archie
Whats that?

Charlie
They’re here

Archie
Look ‘ard

Charlie & Archie snort a line of coke

GANGSTALAND

Archie
Vibe, vibe, I got my tribe
Took a little drive to the harbourside
Gon’ meet me a mobster man

Archie & Charlie
This is the way of the Gangstaland

Enter Allessandro & Luigi

Charlie
Roll, roll, I got my dough
Give it all away for a bag of blow
But when that mobster turns around
There’s a gun to my head for the hole in the ground

Allessandro & Luigi draw guns on Archie & Charlie

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Allessandro & Luigi
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war

All
From Paris, France, ter
The sunny Cotes d’Azor
Who’d wanna be a gangster
When they go to war

Archie
What the fuck are ya doin

Allessandro
Your time has come Inglesi peeg!

 Allessandro & Luigi shoot up Charlie & Archie – Mafia Boys exit with cash

Charlie
<crawling across floor to Archie>
Frown, frown, my captain’s down
Gotta get him back on my back to town
I’ll lead my captain by the hand
Cos this is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
Blood, blood I’m soaked in blood
We might fade away that’s understood
But not if one of us can stand
Cos this is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Charlie
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war

---

Archie
Aaahhh! I’m in pain, Charlie, lots of pain

Charlie
Come on son, hang in there, I’ll get ya home

Archie
Am I gonna make it, Charlie, give it to me straight

Charlie
Course you are, kid, course you are

Archie
I’m fucking bleeding to death here Charlie

Charlie
You’ll be alright son, hold in there

Exit Charlie & Archie in pain

---

SCENE 4: The Don’s garden

The Don is arranging a wreath with a pair of secateurs / Bulldog arrives holding a classy phone on a silver tray

Bulldog
Phone call boss

Don
Who is it?

Bulldog
Percy the Knife

Don
What does that little runt want… tell him I’m busy arranging a wreath for my boy’s funeral & I do not appreciate being disturbed… alright

Bulldog
But boss, he says it’s really important… he’s adamant you’ll wanna hear what he’s gotta say

Don
Give it here – Hello… I know it’s you Percy, whaddayawant – are you sure… whereabouts – Ddd you follow him… Why not ya fackin imbecile… yeah, alright – O & Percy – if you see him again… stab him…
{hangs up}
CHARLIE!

Enter Charlie with his left arm in a sling

Charlie
You alright boss?

Don
You won’t believe this – Ooo! Nelson’s back… he’s just been spotted on a fucking tram – Ooo! the nerve of the – Ooo! The little… is he takin the piss or samfink – I mean, I takes him under my wing, give him a job, a proper one n’all, he gets to travel to Italy on my good name, not to mention my good money, & nah, not only has he gone & set me up with those, with those… gangsters! Nah he’s back in town, bold as brass, swanning abaht like naffinks happened, taking the facking piss

Charlie
It’s hard to know who to trust these days, eh Don?

Don
Yeah – I trusted him like my own son, now my own son is dead because of that trust

Bulldog
It’s worse than what Prince Charles did to lady Di with that Camilla slag

Don
It definitely is Bulldog – much, much worse – I dint fink he ad it in ‘im – I must be getting sloppy in my old age, losing my sense of judgement – at least I can trust you boys -Im sorry you got shot Charlie… how ya feeling

Charlie
A bit sore boss, mi arms a bit fucked, but I’m alright

Don
Right enough to do a job

Charlie
Aye

Don
Well I want him… an I want him nah

Charlie
You got it

Don
& Charlie

Charlie
Aye

Don
{giving Charlie a gun}
I don’t gave a flyin fack if he’s breavin… awright

Charlie
I’ll get on it straight away boss

Don
Rubbish… ya gotta have samfink to eat first… build yer strength up… jellied eels do ya… Bulldog

Bulldog offers a bowl of jellied eels from a fancy pot

Charlie
{turning nose up}
Not today boss, they don’t agree with my antibiotics – doctor’s orders

The Don
Nah warries – well, good luck son

Exit Charlie / the Don gets back to pruning his bush

---

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock
Shakespeare off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

---

Commencing the Winter Serialisation
Of the Conchordia Folio

---

SCENE 1: City’s Pad, Leith

 City is racking up a line of coke. The buzzer rings.

City
Who’s that then?

Lily
{intercom}
Babe, its Lily

City
Nice one – come up

City buzzes Lily in, goes to finish the line of coke, then goes to open the door. Enter Lily & Nelson.

City
{upset}
Lily

Lily
There, there honey, whats up

City
Its daddy – he’s broken Larry the Axe’s legs

Lily
So the wedding’s off

City
Of course it is – I’m hobbling down the aisle with no man, for no man – who’s this

Lily
He’s with me

City
Does he have a name?

Nelson
Hello Felicity, I’m Nelson, nice to meet you

City
Ooo –such strong hands – where’ve you been hiding this one, Lily, he’s gorgeous

Lily
We’ve only just met, but its going really well

City
Really… by the way, Nelson, do call me City – you know, some cities never sleep, I can keep going all night, if you know what I mean

Buzzer goes

City
Aw fuck

Lily
Who’s that?

City
I think it’s my dad

Don
{intercom}
Lemme in City, theres a good girl

City
I don’t want to see you

Lily
What ya doing, nobody says no to the Don not even his precious daughter

City
Ya right – sorry dad, do come up

Don
{intercom}
Cheers treacle

City
Fuck’s sake

Lily
I warned you about Larry the Axe, didn’t I – I told you your dad couldn’t stand him

Enter Don with Archie, Charlie & Bulldog

---

DIAMOND GEEZERS

Don
I’m one of the Diamond boys, I’m one of the diamond geezers
I had a transit full of toys & a bedsit full of freezers
But that was when I was starting out now my disco’s gone upmarket
I’ve got me an Austin Martin & a Kosovan to park it

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City & Lily
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Charlie
What’s that, you can’t pay up
You’re having a laugh, aintcha
The Don will not be happy
Well, Concrete Feet Petes in on Tuesday
If you haven’t clear the debt by then,
Let’s say you want be needing yer speedos

Don
So I turned my toys into drugs & I filled my outhouse with fridges
Then I opened a couple of clubs & I filled my warehouse with ravers
Cos clubs means money & money means power & that’s the power of prayer
I got a condo in the country & a villa in Marbella

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
They’re a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Archie
Three pills for a tenner
You’re having a life, aintcha
I’ve got a wife & three kids to support
Awight, awight, awight
But I’m cutting my own throat here
Here’s my number

Don
Well I’m one one of the diamond boys, men call me a diamond geezer
I might act tough but Im soft in the middle & I melt like a big malteser

All
He might act tough but he’s soft in the middle & he melts like a big malteser

Archie
So whats the meaning of life

Lily
Whats the key to your story

Don
Don’t marry a mental wife, smoke heroin or vote tory
& don’t end up like the Krays, killing guys in a public bar
& every couple of days send some jellied eels to your grandpa

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
What a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

 

---

Don
Why are you ignoring my calls, Felicity, what is the problem

Lily
Don, how could you do what you did to Larry the Axe

Don
I dont give a flying fack wot you fink Lillian, that imbecile was definitely not right for my baby girl

City
I tell you who’s not right – YOU! – you’re not right in the head!

Don
I did not like the way that little toerag was sleazing all over ya – he had hands like an octopus

City
But he’s my fiance

Don
He was your fiance

City
I wish we never moved to Scotland – that’s the third one you’ve nobbled this year…

Don
It’s them Jocks lav, I aint met one yet good enough for my princess – just wait & see, one day a nice English fella’s gonna sweep you off your feet

City
{checks out Nelson}
Maybe… but some of the Scots are alright Dad… Sound geezers

Don
That may be so, but we wont be here long, Felicity, we’re not stoppin… no offence, Charlie

Charlie
None taken

Archie
Dad’s right, sis, as soon as he smoothes it over with the Robson brothers, we’ll be back in the manor before you know it

City
I don’t know why we never went to Marbella

Don
You know very well the Spanish authorities were sniffing abaht all over the gaff looking for taxes – It’s too hot out there at the moment

City
Well, its fucking freezing in Leith – you’ve condemned me to a life of pointelle vests
{optional line for Scottish actress}
& I cannae stop blethering in this daft accent

Lily
Don, come on, I respect you & everything, but can’t you see she’s upset – this is not a good time

Girls cuddle up

Nelson
Maybe you should go, mate

Don
Who the fuck are you?

Lily
This is Nelson, he’s my new boyfriend

Don
Nelson, eh… well I like the cut of your gib, son – I’ve never met anyone with the balls to tell me to fack off before – where ya from kid

Nelson
Peebles

Don
Peebles, where the fuck’s Peebles! Nevemind, they me call the Don, & any friend of Lily’s is a friend of mine, & if you’re a friend of mine you’ll be safe around Leith, alright

Nelson
Very nice to meet you sir

Lily
Don is one of the biggest gangsters
<Don coughs>
I mean one of the biggest businessmen in Edinburgh

Don
That’s right – I was once like you Nelson, a complete fucking scumbag, but now, well, let’s just say I’m socially mobile, so whadda you do

Nelson
What, like working

Don
Yeah

Nelson
I’ve just quit my job actually – I was working in a shitty factory

Don
Do you want to do a job for me?

Nelson
What?

Don
I’ll pay you a decent wdge

Nelson
What does it involve?

Don
Well — basically, one of my business associates has just had an unfortunate mishap with a sledgehammer
(City wails)
Problem is, he was due to run a little errand – all my other boys are tied up at the moment

Nelson
What exactly will I have to do

Don
Its simples, you just fly over to Italy for a couple of days

Nelson
Italy

Don
Yeah, Italy… you fly over there, give someone a package from me, & fly back home, simples

Nelson
I’m not a mule, Don, I’m not running drugs

Don
Nah, nah, nah, nah – its nothing like that, basically I need to be able to hand deliver something – something close to my heart – a token of my sincerity – it’s a traditonal trust motif between businessmen

Nelson
Well, I suppose that doesn’t sound too bad – & Italy, I’ve always wanted to go Italy

Don
Yeah, a little holiday in the sun, you’ll love it – can you leave this this evening?

Nelson
That’s a bit soon innit

Don
You got a problem with that

Lily
You can’t really say no Nelson

Nelson
I can’t

Archie, Charlie & Bulldog
We wouldn’t advise it

Nelson
Well, in that case, I guess I’m off to Italy, woo-hoo

Don
Good choice, boy, good choice – this is my son, Archie, he’ll sort out the package for ya

Archie
Come with me

Nelson
Right
{to Lily}
Well, I guess I’ll see you later, babe

Lily
You’ll be fine – bring us back a nice handbag or something

Lily & Nelson embrace

City
Nice to meet you hamdsome

Nelson
You too Felicity

Archie
Oi! Bawbag, hurry up

Nelson
Alright, alright, I’m coming

Exit Nelson & Archie

Don
Everyone quiet a minute
{on the phone}
Hello, Mr Vito, is that you, nice one – Listen, I’m sending someone over someone different tonight, look after him will ya – yeah, yeah, he-ll have it – you too Mr Vito –bye, bye, yeah, yeah, ciao, ciao

City
Right, all of you out

Lily
You heard her boys, off you trot

Don
Alright, alright – Charlie!
{Charlie offers City a grand in cash}
This is to say I’m sorry about Larry the Axe… theres a couple of grand there – buy yourself something nice or something

City
I don’t want your dirty drugs money, dad. I want Larry the Axe

Archie
Come on, dad, she’ll calm down later

Don
Alright boys, lets go

Exit the men, Lily comforts an emotional City

---

 

THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock
Shakespeare off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen