No Nay Never: Scenes 10b-11


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 10b: A Church in Burnley

Barry is in a major dilemma at the altar – City & Sharon are waiting for him to choose one of them

Barry
You’re right, Sharon, I’m sorry darling, its always been you, of course it has

Sharon
Ah come here you, I forgive you

Sharon & Baz embrace

City
But Baz… wait…

Baz
What do you want City

City
Just hear me out, yeah

Sharon
Oi trollop, you’ve outsayed your welcome, my Baz doesn’t want to listen to anything you’ve got to say

City
He’s gonna wanna hear this

***

MIX IT UP

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up

Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up sweet baby

City
We’re gonna mix it up like crazy

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

Baz
I know that I’ve kinda fallen for you
Don’t wanna waste it, I just gotta taste it

City
I love the way you’ve got nuffin to prove
You’re kinda tasty, your mind amazes me

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up

Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up sweet baby

City
We’re gonna mix it up like crazy

We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

Baz
I know that I’ve kinda fallen for you
Don’t wanna waste it, I just gotta taste it

City
I love the way you’ve got nuffin to prove
You’re kinda tasty, your mind amazes me

Barry
I’ve gobbled up my pride
I’m feelin it inside
You are the one to break my habits

City
I cant believe its true
I cant believe its you
You are the one to make me happy

City & Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

***

Sharon leaves in tears, throwing her ring at Barry – City picks it up, Sharon is followed by her wedding party

Barry
You’re right Felicity – you are my soul mate

City
I told ya

Vicar
So… eh… do you two want to get married instead

City
Do you want to Barry?

Barry
We could do, but, I’m not moving to Edinburgh – you’ll have to stay in Burnley wi’ me

City
I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll live in Burnley… for love

Grandad
Its buzzin’ in Burnley

Gran
She’ll find out in her own time Alfie

City
{to Vicar}
OK, we’re gonna do it

Vicar
It’s a little bit unconventional, but everything is set…
so, do you have the rings

Sharon
Here’s mine – it was mine all along

Mojo
I’m afraid Barry’s ring is off with the other bride

Grandad
Eee-ya, borrow mine for a bit

Barry
Nice one Pops… yeah it fits

Vicar
Whats your name young lady?

City
Felicity Jane Belmarsh

Vicar
So, do you Felicity Jane Belmarsh, take thee, Barry Brogden to be your lawful wedded husband

City
Hold your horses – Brian what – I’m gonna be a what

Jackie
You’re gonna be Brogden lass, you’ll love it

City
Yeah, OK, OK, carry on, as you were

Vicar
& do you, Barry Brogden take, thee Felicity Jane Belmarsh to be your lawful wedded wife

Barry
I do

Vicar
In that case, I declare you both to be man & wife – you may kiss the bride!

Barry & City kiss – everyone cheers


SCENE 10b: The Brogden’s House, Burnley

Grandad, Gran, City, Jackie, Barry & The Don are celebrating Christmas


BROGDEN’S CHRISTMAS

Barry
Grandad’s pinched a turkey
Half-inched it for the family
Lets hope he doesn’t roast it
At 200 degrees

Jackie
Last year yer Granny burnt it
Lets hope this time she’s learnt from it
Dont touch those bloody marys Mam
We’re begging you please

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

The Don
Hang the calendars on the wall

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to one & all

City
Baz nips out fer reefer
My Daddy’s playing Fifa
& Grandad says

Grandad
The queen is look perky this year

Grandad
As Jackie checks on turkey
Gran gets out karaokoe
She’s singing Tina Turner
As we block up each ear

Gran
You’re simply the best!
Better than all the rest,

Grandad
Turn that bloody machine off

Jackie unplugs the karaoke machine

Grandad
Thank god fer that

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Gran
Tinsels glistening

Jackie
On the tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the Family

Barry
Merry, merry, merry Christmas
You’re looking so delicious
I want to give you kisses
As you give your love to me

Grandad
Merry, merry, merry Christmas
I’m gonna do all the dishes
There’s a honeymoon to Mauritius
Underneath the tinsel tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

City
Blink, ya miss it

Don
& then its gone

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to everyone

key change

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Gran
Tinsels glistening

Jackie
On the tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the Family

Grandad
Merry Christmas everybody

City, Granny, Jackie, Barry
Merry Christmas Grandad


Grandad
& I’d just like to propose a toast – to the newest members of our family – Felicity Brogden

Jackie
& her very lovely father, Don

Don
I fackin love Burnley me

Gran
I beg your pardon

Don
Sorry I get a bit nervous around Norveners

Grandad
Don’t be son, you’re one of us now

Don
That’s what I’m worried abaht – by the way I’m surprised to see you’ve got colour telly up norf

City
Dad!

Don
Sorry treacle, can’t help myself sometimes

Gran
North & South we all bat for the same side

Jackie
& we all listen to the same Queen’s Speech, Nan

Don
I aint watched that since she nobbl’d Lady Di

Grandad
I’m dead chuffed y’know, its about time we had some new Brogden babies round the house

Don
What the bleedin ‘ells a Brogden baby

Barry
& they’ll bleed claret & blue n’all Grandad

Grandad
Aye they will…. what’s your team Donald,

Don
You what?

Grandad
What team do you support, fer the football

Don
Leyton Orient, mate, I’ve got the crest tattooed across my heart – let me show you

As the Don raises his shirt Don Vito bursts in with Maria & Laura holding bulldog at gunpoint

Don Vito
This Burn-ley is a sheeet-hole

Barry
Who the bloody’ ell are you

Don Vito
I am Don Vito & she is my fiance

The Don
{taking three steps towards Don Vito}
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah – I’m afraid, Mr Vito, she was your fiance

Don Vito
{taking three steps towards the Don}
No-no-no-no-no… she ees a-my fiance

The Don
{Walking three steps towards & squaring up with Don Vito}
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah – she…

City
…Has just got married Mr Vito

Don Vito
Married

Barry
Yeah, to me, I’m her husband

Don Vito
You are a dead man walking

Barry
Mr Vito, I’ve heard all bout you two – honestly, the love I have for City is real love – & she loves me – what you two had was more of a business arrangement really

Don Vito
Is this true Felicity, do you love him

Felicity
I do Mr Vito, so much, I’m sorry its all come to this

Don Vito
Va bane va bene – in Italia il cuoro, the heart, e molto importante – you have-a my blessing

Don
Smashing Mr Vito – are you hungry – would you & the girls like some Christmas dinner –

Laura
We would love to try your strange-looking British food

Maria
It does smells very good

Don Vito
Si, we shall stay, grazie molto

Laura
E Buon Natale

Gran
There’s no-one called Natalie here, love

Grandad
Get three extra plates Jackie, they can have it on their knees

Gran
{to Laura & Maria}
Come here girls – so, there’s some turkey in the kitchen, these are yer tatties, these are yer Yorkshire puddings – made em myself I did – this is your cranberry sauce, these are yer pigs in blankets & these are sprouts – do Italians like sprouts

Laura
Sprout? What is sprout?

Don Vito
Bulldog, I am-a sorry for pointing a gun at your head

Bulldog
Nah worries, Mr Vito

Don
Did you have a nice journey up here, Mr Vito

Don Vito
No so much Britain is so cold & a-grey, si, how can you live here in the winter

Don
We just drink our way through it – fancy a lager

Don
Si

Barry
I love you City

City
I love you too Baz, gizza kiss

Banging on the door

Lily
{through the letterbox}
Hello – hello – I need to speak to Felicity – is she there – its urgent

Felicity
Is that you, Lily

Grandad
I’ll get it

Grandad opens the door, in bursts Lily, Brenda, the General, Nelson & TC

Lily
I’m sorry to disturb you on Christmas day & everything

Jackie
{bringing out three plates}
This is less Jesus’ birthday & more the feedin of the bleedin’ five thousand

Grandad
The more the merrier love, there’s room in front o’ fire

Lily
Sorry felicity, but your phone’s been off all day & Don Vito’s in Burnley & he’s looking for you right n… Don Vito!

The Don
It’s alright Lillian, its all sorted

Lily
It is

City
Yep, its all good, relax

Gran
Right, spread yourselves out down there  – Jackie, five more plates, we’ll mek it work

Jackie
You lot are gonna have to use spoons & dishes

Nelson
Fine by me

General
& me

TC
& me

Lily
Yeah, we’ve all skipped our Christmas dinners to save City

City
I’ve been saved… by Barry, come here you

City & Barry kiss

TC
That smells gorgeous by the way

Gran
Ee-ya grandad, youre gonna have to give back some of them roast potatoes

Grandad
Never!

Enter Jackie with five plates – Enter Mojo & Peanut

Mojo
Merry Christmas !!

Peanut
What the!!

Jackie
Oh my days!

Baz
Alright lads

Mojo
Have you finished

Grandad
We havent even bloody started yet

Gran
We’re gonna need more meat – Jackie, will ya phone up Yips Chips on Accy Road, get them to drop off some spare ribs

Jackie
Yes mam

Baz
& a tub of curry sauce

Gran
{shaking her head)
Curry Sauce wi’ Christmas dinner – ee, I don’t know

Baz
Don’t worry I’ll pay for it

Gran
It’s just not right tho, is it Alfie

Grandad
No Love

Baz
Reyt everybody – merry Christams & get stuck in!

Barry
The food is on the table
Grandad looks unstable
He got some Boujou brandy
In from Auntie Dot

City
Now Granny’s started ranting
About his gallivanting
& now she is demanding

Gran
It had better be hot

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to you & me
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the family

Fin.


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


 

No Nay Never: Scenes 8-10a


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 8: Outside Turf Moor

Liverpool fans are conducting a Youtube interview


Jim
So here we are for Red TV, the Pool have just been played off the park by, dare I say it, Burn-ley

Kevin
It’s a disgrace

Jim
That it is, Kevin, that it is – so can you tell us your thoughts on that pile of absolute shite

Kevin
R.I.P Liverpool, mate, R.I.P Liverpool – the club is dead – losing 4-0 to fuckin’ Burnley – what the fuck’s all that about – I think I’m gonna hand in my season ticket, start watching Everton

Jim
Calm down, calm down, there’s no need to do anything drastic
{noticing Mojo, Barry & Peanut approaching}
Oh fer fuck’s sake

Mojo, Barry, Peanut
Anti football – duh-duh-duh-duh…….
Oh my lads you should have seen em running,
Running down the Brunshaw road the Burnley boys are coming,
All the lads and lasses, & all their smiling faces,
Running down the Brunshaw road,
To see the Burnley Aces…

Jim
Lets get out of this shit-hole

Kevin
We’ll slaughter yous at Anfield

Barry
Hurry up, you’re gonna miss ya train

Exit Jim & Kevin, enter City in disguise

Mojo
That was fucking brilliant

Barry
4-0 – clean sheet – real do

Peanut
Reyt what we doing

Mojo
I fancy ‘Miners, me, Manchester derby’s on

Peanut
Aye, sounds good

Mojo
You coming Baz?

Barry
Nah – I’m best off nipping home – Sharon’s coming round apparently – more o’ this wedding stuff to sort out

Mojo
Suit yourself – well, we’ll see you next week if we don’t see you before

Barry
You’ll see me before, trust me, this wedding’s doin’ mi ‘ead in – in a bit

Exit Mojo & Peanut

City
Hello Barry
{Barry in shock}
I said hello… cat got your tongue

Barry
What the fuck are you doing here

City
Turns out I suit claret & blue after all

Barry
This is not happening

City
I had to find you Barry – I was smitten from the moment we met – I cant get that kiss, that divine kiss, out of my head

Barry
You’re proper off ya rocker you are – love look, I’m gettin married next week – that kiss you’re rattlin on about was a mistake – I wish it had never happened – I’m in bits, I am, I feel well guilty

City
You don’t need to pretend anymore – its me you’re talking too – your soul mate – we love each other

Barry
No we’re not & no we don’t

City
But you knew my starsign

Barry
It was a lucky guess ya mentalist – there’s a one in 12 chance – its better odds than picking an each-way at the national

City
But I love you

Barry
City, you don’t love me, you’re just in love with the idea of being in love – it was fun, yeah, we go on, but you’re clearly insanse – & youre a stalker – &, this is the most important, I’m loyal

City
Be loyal to me – we’re spirit animals me & you

Barry
Look – there’s nothing I can do – just fuck off

City
What

Barry
Just fuck off
{sees Sharon & Grandad approaching}
Aw shit! It’s Sharon, & mi Grandad – you really need to leave right now

City
But I’ve come all this way

Barry
I don’t care how far you’ve come – this is harrassment – I’m gonna call the police

City
Alright honey – I know you don’t mean it, but I’ll give you your space – I love you

Exit City, enter Sharon & Grandad

Barry
Babycakes! Grandad!

Sharon
Who wer that lass you were talking to?

Barry
Dunno babe – some nutjob tryin’ to blag mi head – she just started chatting to me in the street

Sharon
Well I dont blame her, youre fuckin gorgeous you are – gizza kiss
{they kiss}
So me & your grandad have been practicing our paces for the wedding – I’m so glad your giving me away Pops, what with both my parents being in prison for embezzlement & everything

Grandad
Its an honour Sharon, thank-you for asking

Sharon
So, Barry, check this… left foot first Pops
{Sharon & Grandad start pacing}
&… go… keep it steady… nice & slow
{they halt at an imaginary altar}
What do you think

Barry
Superb

Grandad
How did Burnley end up

Barry
4-0,

Grandad
4-bloody-0, real do – lets have a drink down’ the Royal Dyche to celebrate

Barry
I wunt if I were you, granny’s on’ warpath –

Sharon
He’ll be reyt, she’s at the bingo int she – they’re both allowed to have a bit of fun, especially on a Sat’day

Grandad
Exactly

Barry
I don’t fancy it myself, Grandad, but we’ll see you back at the house – make sure you’re back early tonight – i.e. before ten o clook

Grandad
Right-O!

Exit Grandad

Sharon
So, you, about our wedding … I’ve been thinking what would be so perfect would be if the bridesmaids’ shoes were sequentially of the colours of the rainbow, like – to show we support LGBTQ

Barry
Do we?

Sharon
Yes we do Barry

Barry
What is that again

Sharon
lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender

Barry
Oh, right, of course

Sharon
Thank-you… & the shoes are gonna look exacty like mine

Barry
I thought yours were a one-off, a very expensive one-off

Sharon
They were… but the designer said he’s happy to make copies – he’s even holding the original price for each pair – isn’t that nice of him

Barry
& you want me to pay for it, right

Sharon
It’s your wedding too, is it not – You do love me, dont you

Barry
Of course I do – here ya – use my credit card

Sharon
Thank-you honey… you wont regret it – now lets go & get a cuppa somewhere – we can work on the playlist for the reception – I was thinking we should start with the Stone Roses, ‘This Is The One,’ its dead romantic

Barry
Good choice

Sharon
& I also want a big glittery banner saying SHABAZZ, ONE LOVE

Exit Barry & Sharon


SCENE 9: Leith, the City Pad


TESTOSTERONE PATRIARCHY

City is tidying up

I am a hot thing
But I have to disguise
All the ways that the razors
Cut deep in my veins
& I wipe lipstick
With a tissue of lies
‘Cos I’m hook’d on destructions
That sicken & stain

It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy

I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I am not fine

I’ve never felt love
For the shine of the skies
Cos I’m parked in the darkness
By the full beam of fame
& I’ve lost control
Of the look in my eyes
As I gaze on the razors
That beckon my name

It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy

I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I’m not doing fine


Buzzer goes

City
Who’s that then

Don
Felcity – its your dad

City
Come on up

Enter the Don

City
Daddy!

Don
I’ve been trying to get hold of you all week – are you alright

City
I’m in bits

Don
Whats the problem princess?

City
I don’t think I can marry Don Vito

Don
You what – I’ve spent a small fackin’ fortune on that wedding

City
I’ve fallen in love with an Engishman

Don
Ah well, that puts a different perspective on matters, that does – I’m all for this new turn of events – where’s he from?

City
Burnley

Don
Burnley! fack off

City
God’s truth daddy

Don
You’re having a laugh aintch – a wee wind up is it – well, its not fackin funny

City
But daddy, you’ve always encouraged me to date an Englishman

Don
There’s English & there’s facking Burnley English – there’s a big difference

City
But I thought you said all Englismen bleed tea

Don
Not all Englishmen – some of them bleed fuckin gravy

City
But he’s lovely

Don
No child of mine is falling for a dirty northen monkey. Not on my watch she aint

City
Look daddy, I don’t care, he’s beautiful, & we’re soul mates – its not up to you, its up to the universe

Don
What did you say

City
Hes beautiful

Don
Nah, not that bit, the other bit

City
Its not up to you, its up to the universe

Don
That’s just what your mother said, treacle, when we first met – I mean look at the result – you are the best thing that ever happened to me & your mother, god bless her soul

City
She’d like him dad, I know whe would

Don
You really fink so

City
He’s ten times better than Leytonstone Phil, & she really loved him

Don
He was a fackin bell-end

City
Look, I know ya don’t fink anyone will be good enougth for me, but I know Barry’s the one

Don
Barry!

City
Yes, Barry daddy, that’s his name, get used to it

Don
Awight, awight – that’s how it its gonna be, that’s how its gonna be – when am I gonna meet this newest member of our family

City
Ah – about that daddy – there’s a slight hitch

Don
What’s that

City
Well, he’s getting hitched, married that is, ehm tomorrow

Don
What, you two are getting married tomorrow, facks sake

City
No, not me & him, him & his fiance

Don
You what!

City
He’s getting married in the morning

Don
Well we’re gonna have to stop it aren’t we

City
What

Don
I’m aint gonna spend the rest of my life watching you moping abaht – I had enough of that when you were a teenager – I’m gonna send Bulldog dahn to nobble that bird

City
No need, daddy, I got this one myself

Don
Well, what ya gonna do abaht it

City
I dunno yet

Don
Listen, lav, the one thing I’ve learnt from my life is that if you want something, you’ve just gotta go aht & get it – get yourself down there love – I’d drive you down myself, but I’m busy doing a spot christmas shopping in Airdire, you know what I’m saying

City
Be careful yeah

Don
Easy money

City
I’m gonna ring Lily……………. Alright doll – could be better… I need a massive favour…. I need to get to Burnley by tomorrow morning… can you drive me down… this is the biggest crisis of my life…. No, not Birmingham, Burn-ley… its somewhere near Manchester I think…  yeah, I need to see Barry again, I know its crazy, but its destiny… if we set off tonight we can get a hotel en route…  ah you fuckin dancer, thanks so much – OK I’ll be ready, I love you Lily thanks

Don
Sorted

City
Yeah – she’ll be here in a couple of hours

Don
Well, get your coat on, I’ll treat you to some nosh dahnstairs, that bistro looks nice dunnit

City
That’s very kind of you, gizza kiss

Don
You’ve gotta fink positive babe, cos when you do, positive fings will always happen

City
You’re spot on there dad
{putting on coat}
I feel better already – well here we go, do I look nice

Don
Absolute knockaht – a always – after you

City
Well thank you very much sir

Exit City & The Don


SCENE 10a: A Church In Burnley

The wedding of Bazrry & Sharon


Barry & Mojo are waiting with the Vicar / Sharon reaches Barry – Grandad & Mojo take their seats

Gran
Eee – its playing havoc with my lumbago is this

Jackie
Shhh mam, they’re coming

Grandad is leading Sharon leads up the aisle

Vicar
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness, in the eyes of God, the sacred union of two young people very much in love –before we begin, however, it is my duty to ask if anybody here present knows of any legal impediment to this marriage
{silence}
Anybody… no-one… very good… we shall now continue with the vows… I believe the couple have prepared their own for the ceremony

Barry
We have


VOWS

I believe in love
But I don’t believe in miracles
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a fairy tale

I believe in love,
God help us,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love believes in you
I believe in you

Come to me my darling
Come to me my love
Come this mellow morning
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break into the Garden of Eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls

I believe in love
But I don’t believe in fairytales
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a miracle

I believe in love,
God help them,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love belives in you
I believe in you

Come to me my darling
& Eos be my love
Cupid’s coming calling
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump over the wall
Gotta break into the garden of eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls
& then we can open
Open, open the door
Be Clyde & Bonnie with a magnum 44
Love love is the law here,
Gotta break down the walls
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break down the towers of Babylon
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down those walls
I gotta break thro those walls


Vicar
What a lovely song, I hope you’ll all agree – so it is time for the exchanging of the rings – eh, Mojo is it?

Mojo
That’s me mate

Vicar
Do you have Barry’s ring for Sharon

Mojo
{looking for ring}
Of course I do… I’ve got it here somwhere

Sharon
Hurry up Mojo

Barry
Yeah, mate, where’s the fucking ring

Mojo
I dunno – it was in this pocket, I swear down

Sharon
Barry!

Enter City holding the ring, with Lily & India – looking like a pseudu-bride & bridesmaids

City
{holding the ring}
Looking for this

Mojo
How the fuck did you get that

India
We picked your pocket pal

Sharon
Excuse me – this is my wedding

Barry
What are you doing

City
You can’t marry him Sharon

Sharon
How do you know my name – hang on a minute, I recognise you, you were that tart who was chatting up Baz in the street last week

City
If I’m a tart love, you’re a shitty digestive

Sharon
What did you say

City
Look, love, at the end of the day you can’t marry him

Sharon
You’re gonna tell me why not?

City
Because we’re soul mates

Sharon
You fuckin what?

Vicar
Language please

Sharon
Sorry Vicar, sorry Jesus

City
I said we’re soul mates

Gran
Ooo, that’s dead romantic that is

Jackie
Shut up mam!

Barry
Look, City, whatever you’re doing its gotta stop

Sharon
So you know her name, Barry , do ya

City
Well kinda

City
We met in Edinburgh, it was love at first sight

Grandad
Nay

Barry
Nothing happened babe, I swear down

City
What about the best kiss each of us have ever, ever shared –

Sharon
You what – you actually kiss’d this slapper
{look of doom from the vicar}
Sorry

City
Well, ehm, I was proper mashed, like

Sharon
Well, I’m humiliated, & on my wedding day n’all – that’s it, anyway, the trust is broken – you can keep him – come on guys we’re out of here

Barry
Sharon! What ya doin? Shes clearly a nutjob – I’t was only a little kiss – I was well off my head

Sharon
well, maybe I am being a bit hasty

City
But Barry – the kiss was amazing

Grandad
Bloody pick one

Barry
Ehmn

City
Choose me Barry

Sharon
Ignore her, she’s mental, I’m the one you’ve always meant to be with

****************************

To be continued


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


No Nay Never: Scenes 6-7


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 6: Barry’s House, Burnley

Grandad turns up drunk at the family home after a all-night session


GRANDAD

Barry
At nine o clock in the morning
I heard grandad bashing the door in
Now he’s crashin’ on the kitchen flooring
Cos he never made it to his bed

I knew something was wrong with mi grandad
Cos he’s pukin’ up in Granny’s handbags
& starts stacking em up like sandbags
& then ranting ’bout the bloody war

Grandad’s been on the sauce again
He’s just drunk he aint insane
Grandad we love you
Even tho’ you smell like a brewery
Grandad we love you
Even when ya stink of wee

Grandads having a come down
He’s even bringing mi mum down
He’s been staying up well past sundown
& Grannies climbin’ up the wall!

Now Grandad acts like a tinker
Cos he’s always been a heavy drinker
& Gran says get off ya stinker
When he tries to get her into bed

Grandad’s been on the sauce again
He’s just drunk he aint insane
Grandad we love you
Even tho’ you smell like a brewery
Grandad we love you
Even when ya stink of wee

Grandad
I’m the paralytic diuretic man
I’ll never make it to the old bed pan
Better put those rubber sheets down gran
Cos I’m gonna wet the bed again

Barry
Now Grandad’s after a nightcap
Cos Grandma gave him a right slap
So he’s sneaking out thro the cat flap
& he’s going to the pub
He’s going to the pub
He’s going to the pub again


Enter Jackie

Jackie
Where’s dad?

Barry
Well, he came in, then he went out again

Jackie
What, on the lash?

Barry
What do you think?

Jackie
He acts like he’s bloody eighteen that lad – anyways, are you off to the match son

Barry
Aye mum, just setting off

Jackie
Who’ve they got

Liverpool
Bloody hell, scousers – I’d best get safety bar for mi car

Enter Gran

Gran
Your dad is a right pain in the backside Jackie – drunk as a skunk he was

Jackie
Hes just enjoying life mam

Gran
Well, there wo’nt be much left of it if he carries on drinking like that – ee-yah Billy, seriously, I do not recommend getting married – nowt but trouble it is

Billy
But, you’ve been married 50 years

Gran
Worst 50 years of my life

Jackie
Mum!

Barry
Reyt, em off – wish us luck

Jackie
Up the Clarets

Gran
If you see your grandad – tell him not to bother coming home

Jackie
Ee-ya mam, lets go t’café on’ market – ‘ave a natter & a brew

Gran
Then a spot of afternoon bingo

Jackie
If you like

Gran
Ooo…. go on then – my luck’s gotta change sometime….

Jackie
Nice one mam

Gran
I don’t mean it you know

Jackie
Mean what?

Gran
That thing I said about the worst 50 years of my life – you’ve made it a blessing to be alive, you have – if it weren’t for you, petal, me & your dad would have split up long ago

Jackie
What you on about, you love our dad

Gran
I might do, but he does my head in, & I’m not happy about his drinking at all

Jackie
He’s always liked a pint, mum, to tell you the truth I think its what keeps him alive… now get your coat & bag, I’ll meet you in the car

Exit Jackie / Gran finds her bag & coat & exits singing the first lines of a golden oldie number


Scene 7: Turf Moor, the Cricket Field Stand

The Burnley -Liverpool game is only a few minutes from kick off – Mojo & Peanut are stood next to each other talking


Mojo
The way I see it, Peanut, is like this… football, well its like a primal instinct innit… we have our tribe & the enemy have theirs, the players are like warriors, only instead of swords, they’ve got headers & shots & passes & all that, & instead of shields, there’s the keeper defending the goal

Enter City in disguise – she sits nearby

Peanut
Load of Scousers in today

Mojo
You know that Liverpudlian lads never get a blow job

Peanut
Why not?

Mojo
They think it’ll fuck up their benefits

Peanut
Ha-ha! You mentalist

Enter Barry

Barry
Alright lads

Peanut
Hey Hey – its the groom himself

Mojo
This time next Saturday you’re gonna be walking down the aisle, pal

Barry
I know, but it’s an evening kick off next Saturday – we can watch the game during the reception

Peanut
Buzzin’

Mojo
Here they come

The teams come out to cheers

SONGS FROM THE TERRACE (i)

1: In our Lancashire homes,
We speak with an accent exceedingly rare,
The Longside of Burnley will always be there,
In our Lancashire homes!

2: (to the tune of Auld Langs Eyne)
Burnley, Burnley, Burnley, Burnley,
Burnley, Burnley, Burnley,
Burnley, Burnley, Burnley, Burnley
Burnley, Burnley, Burnley,

3: Come on you Clarets !

4: Matt Busby said to Bill Shankly
Have you heard of the Northbank, Highbury
Shanks said ‘no, I don’t think so,
But I’ve heard of the Longside, Burnley.’

Mojo
So, what did you get up to last week ya fuckin’ vicelord – you just dissapeared with that bird. Behave yourself did ya?

Barry
Course I did – she was an off the chart mentalist, mate, & besides, its not right is it

Mojo
Good, she’s a good lass is your Sharon

Barry
I know

Peanut
I got laid

Barry
What

Mojo
He got laid

Barry
Did ya?

Peanut
Yep

Barry
Congratulations, pal

Peanut
It was that cowgirl from the party

Barry
Not bad, pal, not bad at all, she was hot

Mojo
Tell him what happened, like you told me

Peanut
well I put it in, then I pulled out, then I put in again, & then I wiggled it about a bit – she was fuckin’loving it

Barry
I bet she was Peanut

Peanut
I can’t believe I lost my virginity to a cowgirl in Dalkeith

Barry
Ee-ya, they’re kicking off

Mojo
Come on Burnley

Barry
Lets fuckin’ ‘ave em

Kick off

SONGS FROM THE TERRACE (ii)

1: No One Likes Us
No one likes us,
No one likes us,
No one likes us,
We don’t care,
We are Burnley,
Super Burnley
We are Burnley,
From the North

2: I went to the alehouse used frequent,
I saw old Jack Walker his money was spent,
He asked me to play,
I answered him nay,
With rubbish like yours I can beat any day.
And its No Nay Never
No Nay Never No More
Yill we play Bastard Rovers
No Nay Never No More
We hate Bastards, we hate Bastards!

3: Forever and Ever
For ever and ever,
We’ll follow a team,
It’s Burnley FC,
We rule supreme!
We’ll never be mastered,
By the Blackburn b***ards,
And keep the claret flag flying high!

4: We are the Longside, Burnley

Mojo
Wooah, come on

Peanut
Pass it, fuckin’ pass it

Barry
Yes… go on, go on, go on, go on…

{Burnley score}

Mojo, Barry, Peanut
Get in!!!! You Fuckin Dancer !!!! Yaaaahhss
{The guys jump around excitedly hugging each other}
Who are ya, who are ya, who are ya

Peanut
Fuckin real do

Barry
Yeah, come on Burnley!


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


 

No Nay Never: Scenes 4-5


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 4: Portobello

Hamish’s flat, he is dressed as Hari Krishna, there are two partygoers, Krissie (dressed as a Victorian Lady of the Ancient Profession) & Katie (dressed as a Cowgirl)


Enter The Stags & Hens

Hamish
Well, hello gang!

City
Alright Hamish, lovely to see you doll

Krissie
Lillian!

Lily
Alright babycakes

India
We brought some pals, s’that cool?

Hamish
You’re more than welcome, boys, more than welcome

Mojo
Cheers mate

City
It’s a bit quiet, is it not?

Hamish
Its late innit – most folk have drifted off – but we’re still buzzin arent we girls

Krissie
Too fuckin right

Kate
Where are you from boys

All the stags say ‘Burnley’ in unison, except for Billy who says ‘Blackburn’

Hamish
Ooo, Lancashire lads

Mojo
Aye mate, proper tablethwackers us – we say it like we see it & we like what see

Katie
What did you say

Hamish
Ooo, so cute, so colloquial, help yourself to drinks boys, there’s loads left

Barry
Nice one, thanks

Peanut
Can I use your loo pal

Hamish
Yeah – its two doors down the hall, on the left

Peanut
Cheers

Krissie
{to Billy}
Did you not know it was fancy dress

Mojo
Yeah he did – he’s come as a scruffy bastard

Billy
Oi!

Hamish
Ooo! I love that sense of humour of yours – as rugged as the granite of the Pennines – reminds me of a docker I once knew from Scunthorpe

Barry
Sunny Scunny

India
You don’t mind if I put a tune on do ya

Hamish
Fire away, something dancey yeah –

India
Sure, ya got blue-tooth

Hamish
Of course I do – it’s Boss Bass Sound

India
…and… I’m in


ALL SWAP PLACES

Bom bom, jiggy bom bom
Bom jiggy bom,
Jiggy jiggy gang bang
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s jiggy with a farmer
& we all swap places…..

{Peanut returns from the toilet sniffing}

There’s a pussy playin’ fiddle
& the piggy in the middle’s getting
Jiggy with the gang bang
Theres a hooker on a cooker
She’s the hottest mother fucka
That I’ve seen in any gang bang
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s busy with the dalai llama
& we all swap places

& we all swap places
& we all swap places
& we all swap places

Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Ah-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-ya

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Time to level up a partner
Menage a trois
The karma sutra
King bamboo

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Pick & mix it
Mister mistress
Bend the gender
Warp & skew

Bom bom
Theres a madame in the saddle
& she’s friggin in the riggin
As the balls are playin ping pong
& he’s no King Kong (small dong)
Still the Fonz singsalong to the sing song
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama

Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s busy with Bananarama
& we all swap places…..

& we all swap places
& we all swap places
& we all swap places

Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Ah-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-ya

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Convalute me
Contravention
I’m at attention
Stand to

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Light up the lava
Ask your partners
Dip in the darkness
French fondeau?

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

I never had a mango
Never had a mango?
Never had a mango down on me


Mojo
That’s a reyt tune, India, nice one

Brenda
Bom-bom-jiggy-bom-bom!

Hamish
Alright people – everybody to the kitchen – who fancies a cheeky boost

Mojo
What is it?

Billy
It’ll be coke, they’re mad for it up here

Krissie
We are, & it is

Mojo
We’ve got a bit n’all, we’ll chuck it in

Hamish
Perfect, a little cocktail – bring your glasses guys, I’ve got some majestic white Cuban rum that needs finishing off

Kate
{to Peanut}
So you’ve had a good time in Edinburgh

Peanut
Yeah, its been buzzin

Kate
How long are you up for

Peanut
Just til tomorrow, its his stag-do, he’s getting a married next week

Katie
Ah, that’s a pity

Peanut
So where are you from

Katie
Dalkeith

Peanut
Never heard of it

Exit everybody except for Brian & City

City
You don’t fancy a line

Barry
Nah – I don’t do coke, sends me a bit doolally

City
I don’t mind it myself

Barry
My cocaine is Burnley Football Club

City
Oh my god, we’re alone less than a minute & you’re rattling on about bloody Football, you must be one of those‘fanatics’

Barry
Of course I am, when ya Burnley born & bred you bleed claret & blue – I’ve had a season ticket on the Cricket Field for years

City
The Cricket Field, but you said football

Barry
No love, its called the Cricket Field stand, Burnley Cricket Club’s behind Turf Moor

City
Turf Moor?

Barry
Thats the name of the stadium, the Cricket Field’s the name of the stand…
{City looks confused}
Oh forget it – all you need to know is Burnley are the best team on the planet

City
I’ve never been on a football match

Barry
You should try it – when Burnley score a last minute winner it’s a better feeling than sex

City
You’re not having sex with the right person, clearly

Barry
So who’s the lucky guy

City
What do you mean?

Barry
Your fiance, who is he?

City
Ooh – he’s Italian – Don vito – he lives in Rome

Barry
Very exotic

City
And you? What’s she like?

Barry
I take it you’re talking about my Sharon

City
Is that her name – how quaint

Barry
Oi! thats my childhood sweetheart ya talking about

City
How romantic

Barry
It really is – I love her to bits

City
Written in the stars was it

Barry
I guess it wars – talking of stars, tho’ – I bet I can guess ya sign

City
You what

Barry
Your starsign

City
Why would you wanna do that

Barry
I dunno, when I take pills I just feel compelled – do you mind

City
Nat at all – I’m intrigued actually – fire away


 

STARSIGNS

Barry
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine

Are you Aries, summer fairies
Til the head-butt necessaries
Maybe Leo, they’re the Cleopatras
Gettin jiggy on a beach in rio
Are ya Gemini, overqualified
Struttin round like a homeless butterfly
Ya eyes are like diamonds baby
Are ya Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine

Are you Aquarius ever varius
Or a sexy Sagittarius
Maybe Virgo, a semi-circle
Never mess with a girl in a fur coat
Are ya Libra, like Alan Shearer
Ya black & white like the stripes on a zebra
Ya smile is like sunshine baby
Are ya Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
& guess your sign & after the mantra
I’m gonna take my time & darlin’ tie ya down to the tantra
I’m an empath like my mother
I’m an astrological lover
Your vibe is like Tinsel Town
Get on down to the sound of the breakdown
Acapella pick a colour
When I guess it & I’m destined to pull her
Better mystic meg assisted
Proper bullshit but birds cant resist it
If she roots ya & she suits ya
You can cruise thro’ the views of the future
Then when the starshine glows
Get on down its time for the solos

Are ya cancer, what a chancer
Breakin’ legs like a pimp-ass dancer
Maybe Pisces, a dionysis
Living lives of crazy crises
Or maybe you’re a Capricorn
Like a slinky ninja on the microphone
Your voice is like Venus baby
Are you Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine


Astrological horoscope zodiac star signs icon symbols set

City
So what am I then?

Barry
Give me a second – wait – wait – wait – im getting it – you’re Pisces
{City is stunned into silence}
Am I right?

City
Totally – how did you do that?

Barry
It’s just a gift – my mother’s got it, my granny has it – there’s a psychic streak in the family

City
I could feel you reading my mind – probing – deep – no-ones’ ever done that before… we’re soul mates

Barry
We are?

City
What else could it be – I don’t believe it – my soul mate’s from Barnsley

City
It’s Burnley actually

City
Sorry – look, wherever you’re from its all about where you’re going to – lets ditch this party – get to know each other – get to really know each other – or should I say get to reknow each other – we’ve clearly met in a past life

Barry
What are you on about?

City
We’re right next to Portobello Beach here, put your coat on, lets go for a stroll

Barry
I suppose owts better than hanging around a load of coke-heads talking bullshit & trying to fuck each other – lets do it

City
Brilliant


Scene 5: Portobello Beach

CitY & Barry are strolling by the sea at sunrise


 

PORTOBELLO BEACH

City
Were gonna go for a glide, we’re gonna
Glide down Portobello Beach
& see the birds flying high
Knowing the oceans just beyond our reach
We’re gonna go for a glide
We’re gonna go for a glide, my friend
& I know, & I know that you, you can come too

Put your soul back in control
& let the spirit fly
(Ask the spirit)
How does your soul feel

Barry
This is the time of our lives
Together down by Portobello beach
& see the moon over Fife is glowing stardust Just beyond our reach
These are the times of our lives
These are the times of our lives my friend
& I know, yes I know, that all dreams can come true

City
Put your soul back in control
& let the spirit fly
(Ask the spirit)
How does your soul feel

Barry
I see ya taking the lies
I see ya takin the lies my friend

City
I see ya faking the highs
I see ya faking the highs

City & Barry
Put your soul back in control
& let the spirit fly
(Ask the spirit)
How does your soul feel

They kiss passionately – its kinda beautiful actually / Barry’s phone rings

Barry
Fuck

City
Don’t answer it

Barry
I’ve got to – do not make a sound – please –

City
Alright, chill out

Barry
Good morning babe – yeah, I’m alright – yeah its been a good night – no I’m still out, no they’re seagulls, I just went for a wee stroll down the seaside, check it out – course I’m not with another girl, don’t be daft – hey babe listen, let me get a taxi back to the hotel, get cosy & we can do a skype – yeah you too – no its not as good as Blackppol Pleasure Beach – yeah you too, love ya , bye

City
Was that Sharon

Barry
I’ve got to go

City
But…

Barry
Look, I’m getting married next week – you’re getting married

City
But that was the best kiss I’ve ever had – & yours too – it was like our spirits had been released & were watching us from above, I could feel it

Barry
It was just a bit of silly necking love, don’t get carried away

City
Silly necking! The lips never lie, babe

Barry
I’m not your babe – I’ve never even masturbated since I’ve been with Sharon– let alone kiss’d another woman – she’d fucking kill me if she found out- I’ve gotta get out of here

City
You’re seriously gonna leave

Barry
Look, its been great fun, you’re a beautiful, sassy lass – you’re gonna make this Don Vito fella a brilliant wife

City
I am aren’t I – Alright barry, good luck

City leans in to kiss Barry, he turns away

Barry
Maybe in the next life

City
The next life…

Exit Barry


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen


 

No Nay Never: Scenes 1-2

safran7260.jpg


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 1: Burnley

Barry emerges from his mum’s house, she hands him his ‘bait’ in a lunchbox

SEVEN FIFTY

Barry
Catch the seven-fifty in the morning for my shift,
Don’t wanna be late
Its fucking Monday morning & this is the day
That I just hate

Pack’d to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…

Subscene: Barry working in a factory

Time is seven-fifty near the end of my shift
Need a spliff mate
I’ve roll’d up a reefer, I’m coming to see ya
It’ll be great

Packed to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..

Subscene: Peanut’s house – Peanut & Mojo come in from work & start rolling a joint

Peanut
I’m a work all week so patient
Lookin out for my main man
Try to get out straighten’d
Cocktail combinations
Recall the sensation
Every situation
Buzzin the vibration
Downtime
Seven-Fifty…..

{Enter Barry}

Mojo
Give me seven-fifty & I’ll sell you a share
You’re my shipmate
I’ve skinn’d up a reefer
I’ve something to teach ya
It’ll be great

Mojo, Peanut, Barry
Packed to the hilt, break down, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..

Peanut
Grind it, refine it
Gonna lick them skins & light it
Roll it & mould it
Light it up, control it
Inhale it & hold it
Indica unfolding
& reach up,
I’m floating, I’m floating

Seven-Fifty…(I’m floating, I’m floating, I’m…)


Peanut
That’s quality that is

Barry
What is it Peanut?

Mojo
Proper squidgy black, I prefer it myself

Barry
Tell me about it, green’s gone well expensive, & it pickles mi head n’all… how much on your teenth?

Peanut
Seven Fifty

Barry
Three teenths for twenty?

Peanut
Go on then

Mojo
Ta

Peanut starts weighing out the squidgy black

Peanut
I can’t believe its’ stag-do already

Barry
Yeah, one more day o’ work & we’ll be off to sunny Edinburgh

Mojo
Buzzin!

Peanut
So the missus has finally let you off the leash mate, I can’t remember last time you were out wi’ lads

Barry
To tell ya’ truth, I could have gone to the moon & she wouldn’t have noticed – shes obsessed with that bloody wedding

Mojo
I can’t believe we’re even going to Scotland in December – Benidorm’s alright in winter, it sometimes gets to twenty degrees

Barry
We go to Benidorm every July, Mojo – besides, there’s a Christmas market on in Edinburgh, I thought I’d buy Shazza a nice pricey gift

Peanut
I’ve never been to Scotland, me, I’m looking forward to it
{Passing joint}
Here you are Baz

Barry
Thank you very much… anways, there’s supposed to be some good clubs & that up there – we’re gonna cause some reyt carnage

Mojo
Course we fuckin’ are, we’re Burnley boys innit

Mojo, Barry, Peanut
We love you Burnley, we do
We love you Burnley, we do
We love you Burnley, we do
O Burnley we love you,
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}

Bertie Bee said to Bill Shankly,
Have you heard of the North Bank Highbury,
Shanks said no, I don’t think so,
But I’ve heard of the Longside Burnley,
Na Na Na Na (x3) We are the Longside Burnley

Enter Sharon carrying identical wedding paraphenelia in two colours

Sharon
Alright boys

Mojo & Peanut
Sharon

Peanut
Are you all reyt

Sharon
I’m fine thank-you, I hope you don’t mind me dropping in like this but I just wanted to ask Baz a tiny question

Barry
What is it now?

Sharon
I’m getting the feeling you don’t care about this wedding… My friend Penny says it is absolutely vital for the karmic balance of our future children to have fully colour-co-ordinated fen shui at the wedding – do you not care about your children

Barry
We don’t have any

Sharon
Not yet we don’t, but they’re gonna be so cute aren’t they, little Shabazzes running about all over the shop – anyway, red or blue

Barry
Eehm… red?

Sharon
Red!? Are you sure? I thought the blue was better – we’ll go with the blue – so are you coming or what

Barry
Where

Sharon
My place, I’m cooking you your tea, remember?

Barry
O yeah – but I’ve only just put my feet up, I’ve been on them all day, can I have five minutes

Sharon
No, mi potatoes are on, I’ve got’ car outside, lets go

Barry
Bloody hell – alright – see you tomorrow lads

Peanut
Can’t wait mate

Sharon
By the way, if I find out any of you two have led my Barry astray up Scotland, there’ll be all hell to pay

Mojo
Don’t fret Sharon, we’ll keep him out of harm’s way, promise, don’t worry about it

Sharon
You’d better bloody had do, right Baz lets go

Barry
Lads

Peanut & Mojo
Laters

Exit Barry & Sharon

Mojo
Shes proper mental ‘er

Peanut
They all are Mojo – fancy a bong

Mojo
Go on then


Scene 2: The Lily Pad, Leith

Lily is in the middle of giving City a make-over. She is at the intercom buzzing in Brenda & India.

Lily
Up you come, its the second floor, first on the left… I still can’t believe you’re marrying an Italian gangster

City
Me neither, but we just, y’know, click

Lily
So you’re nae bothered about the age difference, then?

City
Not at all – I prefer older men anyway, the geezers our age are all fingers and thumbs

Lily
Ooo! I love a bit of fingers & thumbs actually

City
You know what I mean… top my glass up will you

Enter India & Brenda

India
Are you pouring?

Lily
Sure am – hello Brenda

Brenda
Hiya… India invited me along, I hope you don’t mind

City
Course not

Brenda
I needed a night out… the General’s on a massive love mission at the moment – to be honest he’s doing in my coupon – I need a bit of girlie time

Lily
Well you’ve come to the right place lady, there’s no boys here

City
You’re more than welcome Brenda, help yourself to wine & nibbles

India
So City… how you’re doing, you must be nervous

City
I’m fine, the immediate prospect of moving to salubrious villa high over the hills of Rome is calming me down better than any camomile tea, if you know what I mean

India
I like your hair City

City
Thanks

Lily
I got it out of an old Smash Hits – she makes a good Siobhan Fahey, don’t you think girls

India
Very nice

Brenda
Who’s Siobhan Fahey

Lily
She’s in Banarama

City
It’s a hen party innit – but there’s only three in Bananarama Brenda, I’m afraid, but I’ve some pussycat ears & a black catsuit, you can borrow them if you like

Brenda
Why not?

City
I’ll go get ’em you

Exit City

Lily
So how about a bit of Bananrama to get the party started

Lily puts on ‘Venus’ & starts singing it – India & Brenda join in pulling some reyt moves – City returns with a cat suit, pussycat ears & two veils

City
Here you go Brenda, put these on, you’ll look well hot – so girls I need some help – which one of those two veils should I wear – I can’t decide which is the best colour –

India
Whats the difference

Lily
One’s offwhite & the other’s eggshell – can’t you tell

India
Well…

Brenda
Go with the eggshell

City
Yeah, I though that

Lily
You’re gonna look sooo gorgeous on your wedding day, City

India
True… but don’t get me wrong, it’s a hell of a lot of money to spend on a dress you’re only ever gonna wear the once, when all it does is end up being crumpled in a heap on your wedding night

India
I won’t be needing a dress at my wedding – I’ll be getting married naked in the woods

Brenda
{getting into catsuit}
I don’t think I’ll ever get married – I mean, making legal a whole world of hassle & quite frankly, the downright ridiculousness of living with a man

City
You can always mould a man to your personal taste, it just takes a bit of effort & time, but they’ll crack eventually, we women have the keys to paradise

Lily
To be honest, I don’t think there’ll be any moulding of Don Vito y’know – at his age he’s fully formed

India
Hey doll, have you & Don Vito, y’know…

City
Not yet… I’m saving myself for the wedding night, just after my dress gets crumpled up on the floor

Lily
Then she’ll be off to the races with her Italian stallion

Brenda
I find sex the first time with a new guy a freaky experience – I’m like does he think I’m fat – am I a bit stinky – y’know

India
If a man truly loves you, it doesn’t matter what you look like – you’ll be making love an an astral level

City
It’s a bit hippy-dippy that, India, I prefer my men to be like wild animals

Lily
Mine’s a wild animal

Brenda
Lucky you

Brenda
Yeah, he stinks out the house & eats all the food that’s left out

City
I find having sex for the first time with a new guy is just like losing my virginity all over again

Brenda
I remember losing my virginity… I’d always had this dream, of making love to an exotic gentleman beneath the stars, on a soft, sandy beach right next to the pacific ocean

Lily
Did it come true?

Brenda
Nearly… it was Trevor Mackintosh, in a bunker on Peebles golf course

India
Did he get a hole in one

Brenda
He was a wonder with a one wood

Lily
I had a threesome my first time

City
You what!?

Brenda
You never

Lily
I did

City
How old were you

Lily
We were all sixteen

Brenda
That’s a bit sexually sophisticated for sixteen is it not… boys that age think that foreplay is sharing a bottle of bucky

India
Go on, spill the beans


LOSING MY VIRGINTY

Lily
Mi mum went to bingo, I do recall
I called my first ever boyfriend up on the phone
Said, why don’t you come over
Mi mum wont be back til ten
He said id love to & can I bring a friend
I said no problem, mi mam’s filled the fridge with grub
I bought some condoms from the machine down at the pub
I met them at the bus stop they were looking so fine
I thougt ooo! Proper fit,
& I hoped they would both be mine

All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh

Lily
So we went to my bedroom & put on MTV
Had fags & cider that we blagged on a fake ID
All of a sudden they were rolling over me
Why do it with two when you can try it with three
We soon got naked, having it off on the floor
Said please be gentle cos ive never done this before
They say its never very good for your first time
But I’m glad that those bad little lads were mine

All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh


City
Alright girls, lets show the Cowgate what we got

Lily, Brenda & City howl their appreciation

Lily
Ecstasy anybody

India
Don’t mind if I do

Lily begins handing out ecstasy tablets

India
Thank you very much

Lily
{To City}
Here you go, hen

City
Nice one Lillian…
{putting cat-ears on Brenda}
Finishing touches – you look great – we can do your whiskers in the pub

Lily
A cheeky half Brenda

Brenda
I think I’ll have a full one, I’m ready to dance

City
{at the door ready to lock up}
Ladies…

Exit Lily, India, Brenda & City


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen