Dane Baptiste Returns to Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2020

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DANE BAPTISTE: THE CHOCOLATE CHIP
Venue: Pleasance Courtyard: Above
Time: 9:20pm
Dates: 5th–30th August (not 17th)


Master writer, storyteller, comedian and star of hit podcast Dane Baptiste Questions Everything, Baptiste is making his eagerly anticipated return to the Edinburgh Fringe 2020 with his brand-new show, The Chocolate Chip – which is currently touring the UK, Australia and Europe, with numerous dates already selling out. The tour also includes a huge two week residency run at London’s prestigious Soho Theatre from March 2nd 2020.

Dane is now a Grown Black Man. Too old to be concerned with chicken or trainers. Too young to be considered a peer of Trevor McDonald. This show will see the acerbic comedian tackle race in his typically unfiltered, original and provocative manner. The Chocolate Chip is about the rise of Alt-Right and identity politics, mental health issues and body dysmorphia, how trauma affects people’s lives and how racism has been left out of that conversation. A celebrated trailblazer within the comedy industry, Dane has the skill and innate talent for taking weighty subjects and finding the comedy in them.

As seen on Live at the Apollo (BBC Two), 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown (Channel 4), his own sitcom Sunny D (BBC Three), Tonight at the London Palladium (ITV1), Mock The Week (BBC Two)… pretty much all over your TV screen. His newly launched YouTube Channel releasing exclusive clips from the show has already produced numerous viral hits, proving that its themes are hitting a nerve that resonates internationally.

Dane says: “Normally if you make any comments about racial inequality or economic inequality people will say you have a chip on your shoulder, so I’m embracing that chip and calling it Chocolate Chip.”

No Nay Never: Scene 3


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 3: Leith Walk

Outside a kebab shop – enter The Stags; Peanut is dressed as a pig, Barry is dressed as the Fonz & Mojo is dressed as a farmer


TRUE LEGENDS

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask no questions, tell no lies
We are the best ones to energize… your lives
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the morning lights

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask your consience if its OK
To let your Mojo come out & play
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the day delights

Peanut, Mojo, Barry
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)


Mojo
Wow, that was a reyt night

Peanut
& a brilliant weekend

Barry
Reyt, I’m hungry,

Mojo
Me too I’m starving

Peanut
I could eat summat

Barry
Reyt, lets go in here then – who wants what, I’ll get ‘em

Mojo
I’ll have a donner kebab, please, no mint sauce

Peanut
Me ‘n’ all – with some chips

Barry
I’ll have a kebab too

Mojo
Get us one of them deep fried mars bars will you – when in Rome & all that

Barry enters the kebab shop

Peanut
What was that you order’d

Mojo
A deep fried mars bar

Peanut
That sounds weird – will it not just melt

Mojo
I never thought about that – I bloody hope not

Peanut
If its owt like one of them stornaway black puddings we had this morning its gonna taste ‘orrible

Mojo
I eat one of them black puddings you get off Burnley market right now

Peanut
Me n’all – I mean Edinburgh’s alright, but its not Burnley is it

Mojo
I know what you mean – but I’m glad we came to Leith – I feel reyt at home – its like Burnley with seagulls

Peanut
O Burn-e-ley

Mojo
O Burn-e-ley

Peanut
Is wonderful

Mojo
Is wonderful

Peanut & Mojo
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
Its full of tits, fannies & Clarets
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}

Enter Billy

Billy
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
Its full of daft, six-finger’d Dingles
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit

Mojo
What the fuck

Peanut
Where are you from

Billy
I’m from Blackburn lads

Peanut
Euugh get away from him, hes got nits

Billy
Fuck off

Mojo
What are you doing up here

Billy
I work here don’t I

Mojo
Look pal, down there were sworn enemies, but this side of the border us Lancastrians need to stick together alright

Billy
I can deal with that… whats your names?

Mojo
I’m Mojo, this is Peanut

Peanut
& you

Billy
Billy

Peanut
Billy! Billy no mates more like – why you on your own

Billy
I’ve never quite fitted in up here – I can never understand what them Scots are saying – its just noises

Peanut
I know exactly what you mean

Billy
Are you boys on a stag-do or summat

Mojo
Yeah, Baz, the groom, he’s in there just now, getting some kebabs

Peanut
Wooah! Lads

Enter the Hens


HIGHER LICENSE

Lily
She’s been to Edinburgh
Shes got her sisters with her
They’re coming back from town
Making mens’ eyes move around

Brenda
Shes got no cross to bear
Shes gorgeous as her hair
Shines like a neon light
Glittering from a sattelite

India
She’s mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Brenda, India & Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill

City
We’ve come up from the Shore
Where men say more & more
I’ve got the whitest teeth
They’ve ever seen in Leith

Mojo, Billy & Peanut
& as the girls swept past
We stood their flabberghasted
Each like a star to me
Emitting that cosmic energy

City
We’re mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Mojo, Billy, Peanut, Brenda, India, Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill


Enter Barry

Barry
Yo lads, don’t even do gravy in Scotland – ooo owdo girls

Lily, City, Brenda & India
Hello

Mojo
Are you a Hen Party

India
We are

Brenda
Where you from – I love your accent

Peanut
Burnley

Billy
& Blackburn

Peanut
Shut up, you’re lowering the tone

Barry
{to Billy}
Who the fuck are you?

Peanut
He’s reyt, Barry, he’s our new best mate

Barry
But he’s from Blackburn

City
So, you’re on a stag do, boys?

Mojo
We are – Barry’s getting married next week

City
Hello Barry, I’m Fecliity – I’m getting married too

Barry
He’s a lucky man whoever he is

Brenda
Oo, a charmer

Mojo
So what are you girls up to

Lily
We’re catching a night bus to Portobello – theres’ a fancy dress party on at our mates

India
We’re already dressed

City
Why don’t you come along

Mojo
Real do

Lily
Ooo, look there’s an N26 coming – quick girls, we’ll just make it

Exit Brenda, India & Lily running

City
Well, are you coming or what

Peanut
But what about the kebabs

Mojo
Fuck the kebabs – lets follow these

Billy
Can I come

Peanut
Yeah – there’s four them, so makes sense

City
Yeah, hurry up – its pulling in

Exit City & the Stags

No Nay Never: Scenes 1-2

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PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 1: Burnley

Barry emerges from his mum’s house, she hands him his ‘bait’ in a lunchbox

SEVEN FIFTY

Barry
Catch the seven-fifty in the morning for my shift,
Don’t wanna be late
Its fucking Monday morning & this is the day
That I just hate

Pack’d to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…

Subscene: Barry working in a factory

Time is seven-fifty near the end of my shift
Need a spliff mate
I’ve roll’d up a reefer, I’m coming to see ya
It’ll be great

Packed to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..

Subscene: Peanut’s house – Peanut & Mojo come in from work & start rolling a joint

Peanut
I’m a work all week so patient
Lookin out for my main man
Try to get out straighten’d
Cocktail combinations
Recall the sensation
Every situation
Buzzin the vibration
Downtime
Seven-Fifty…..

{Enter Barry}

Mojo
Give me seven-fifty & I’ll sell you a share
You’re my shipmate
I’ve skinn’d up a reefer
I’ve something to teach ya
It’ll be great

Mojo, Peanut, Barry
Packed to the hilt, break down, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..

Peanut
Grind it, refine it
Gonna lick them skins & light it
Roll it & mould it
Light it up, control it
Inhale it & hold it
Indica unfolding
& reach up,
I’m floating, I’m floating

Seven-Fifty…(I’m floating, I’m floating, I’m…)


Peanut
That’s quality that is

Barry
What is it Peanut?

Mojo
Proper squidgy black, I prefer it myself

Barry
Tell me about it, green’s gone well expensive, & it pickles mi head n’all… how much on your teenth?

Peanut
Seven Fifty

Barry
Three teenths for twenty?

Peanut
Go on then

Mojo
Ta

Peanut starts weighing out the squidgy black

Peanut
I can’t believe its’ stag-do already

Barry
Yeah, one more day o’ work & we’ll be off to sunny Edinburgh

Mojo
Buzzin!

Peanut
So the missus has finally let you off the leash mate, I can’t remember last time you were out wi’ lads

Barry
To tell ya’ truth, I could have gone to the moon & she wouldn’t have noticed – shes obsessed with that bloody wedding

Mojo
I can’t believe we’re even going to Scotland in December – Benidorm’s alright in winter, it sometimes gets to twenty degrees

Barry
We go to Benidorm every July, Mojo – besides, there’s a Christmas market on in Edinburgh, I thought I’d buy Shazza a nice pricey gift

Peanut
I’ve never been to Scotland, me, I’m looking forward to it
{Passing joint}
Here you are Baz

Barry
Thank you very much… anways, there’s supposed to be some good clubs & that up there – we’re gonna cause some reyt carnage

Mojo
Course we fuckin’ are, we’re Burnley boys innit

Mojo, Barry, Peanut
We love you Burnley, we do
We love you Burnley, we do
We love you Burnley, we do
O Burnley we love you,
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}

Bertie Bee said to Bill Shankly,
Have you heard of the North Bank Highbury,
Shanks said no, I don’t think so,
But I’ve heard of the Longside Burnley,
Na Na Na Na (x3) We are the Longside Burnley

Enter Sharon carrying identical wedding paraphenelia in two colours

Sharon
Alright boys

Mojo & Peanut
Sharon

Peanut
Are you all reyt

Sharon
I’m fine thank-you, I hope you don’t mind me dropping in like this but I just wanted to ask Baz a tiny question

Barry
What is it now?

Sharon
I’m getting the feeling you don’t care about this wedding… My friend Penny says it is absolutely vital for the karmic balance of our future children to have fully colour-co-ordinated fen shui at the wedding – do you not care about your children

Barry
We don’t have any

Sharon
Not yet we don’t, but they’re gonna be so cute aren’t they, little Shabazzes running about all over the shop – anyway, red or blue

Barry
Eehm… red?

Sharon
Red!? Are you sure? I thought the blue was better – we’ll go with the blue – so are you coming or what

Barry
Where

Sharon
My place, I’m cooking you your tea, remember?

Barry
O yeah – but I’ve only just put my feet up, I’ve been on them all day, can I have five minutes

Sharon
No, mi potatoes are on, I’ve got’ car outside, lets go

Barry
Bloody hell – alright – see you tomorrow lads

Peanut
Can’t wait mate

Sharon
By the way, if I find out any of you two have led my Barry astray up Scotland, there’ll be all hell to pay

Mojo
Don’t fret Sharon, we’ll keep him out of harm’s way, promise, don’t worry about it

Sharon
You’d better bloody had do, right Baz lets go

Barry
Lads

Peanut & Mojo
Laters

Exit Barry & Sharon

Mojo
Shes proper mental ‘er

Peanut
They all are Mojo – fancy a bong

Mojo
Go on then


Scene 2: The Lily Pad, Leith

Lily is in the middle of giving City a make-over. She is at the intercom buzzing in Brenda & India.

Lily
Up you come, its the second floor, first on the left… I still can’t believe you’re marrying an Italian gangster

City
Me neither, but we just, y’know, click

Lily
So you’re nae bothered about the age difference, then?

City
Not at all – I prefer older men anyway, the geezers our age are all fingers and thumbs

Lily
Ooo! I love a bit of fingers & thumbs actually

City
You know what I mean… top my glass up will you

Enter India & Brenda

India
Are you pouring?

Lily
Sure am – hello Brenda

Brenda
Hiya… India invited me along, I hope you don’t mind

City
Course not

Brenda
I needed a night out… the General’s on a massive love mission at the moment – to be honest he’s doing in my coupon – I need a bit of girlie time

Lily
Well you’ve come to the right place lady, there’s no boys here

City
You’re more than welcome Brenda, help yourself to wine & nibbles

India
So City… how you’re doing, you must be nervous

City
I’m fine, the immediate prospect of moving to salubrious villa high over the hills of Rome is calming me down better than any camomile tea, if you know what I mean

India
I like your hair City

City
Thanks

Lily
I got it out of an old Smash Hits – she makes a good Siobhan Fahey, don’t you think girls

India
Very nice

Brenda
Who’s Siobhan Fahey

Lily
She’s in Banarama

City
It’s a hen party innit – but there’s only three in Bananarama Brenda, I’m afraid, but I’ve some pussycat ears & a black catsuit, you can borrow them if you like

Brenda
Why not?

City
I’ll go get ’em you

Exit City

Lily
So how about a bit of Bananrama to get the party started

Lily puts on ‘Venus’ & starts singing it – India & Brenda join in pulling some reyt moves – City returns with a cat suit, pussycat ears & two veils

City
Here you go Brenda, put these on, you’ll look well hot – so girls I need some help – which one of those two veils should I wear – I can’t decide which is the best colour –

India
Whats the difference

Lily
One’s offwhite & the other’s eggshell – can’t you tell

India
Well…

Brenda
Go with the eggshell

City
Yeah, I though that

Lily
You’re gonna look sooo gorgeous on your wedding day, City

India
True… but don’t get me wrong, it’s a hell of a lot of money to spend on a dress you’re only ever gonna wear the once, when all it does is end up being crumpled in a heap on your wedding night

India
I won’t be needing a dress at my wedding – I’ll be getting married naked in the woods

Brenda
{getting into catsuit}
I don’t think I’ll ever get married – I mean, making legal a whole world of hassle & quite frankly, the downright ridiculousness of living with a man

City
You can always mould a man to your personal taste, it just takes a bit of effort & time, but they’ll crack eventually, we women have the keys to paradise

Lily
To be honest, I don’t think there’ll be any moulding of Don Vito y’know – at his age he’s fully formed

India
Hey doll, have you & Don Vito, y’know…

City
Not yet… I’m saving myself for the wedding night, just after my dress gets crumpled up on the floor

Lily
Then she’ll be off to the races with her Italian stallion

Brenda
I find sex the first time with a new guy a freaky experience – I’m like does he think I’m fat – am I a bit stinky – y’know

India
If a man truly loves you, it doesn’t matter what you look like – you’ll be making love an an astral level

City
It’s a bit hippy-dippy that, India, I prefer my men to be like wild animals

Lily
Mine’s a wild animal

Brenda
Lucky you

Brenda
Yeah, he stinks out the house & eats all the food that’s left out

City
I find having sex for the first time with a new guy is just like losing my virginity all over again

Brenda
I remember losing my virginity… I’d always had this dream, of making love to an exotic gentleman beneath the stars, on a soft, sandy beach right next to the pacific ocean

Lily
Did it come true?

Brenda
Nearly… it was Trevor Mackintosh, in a bunker on Peebles golf course

India
Did he get a hole in one

Brenda
He was a wonder with a one wood

Lily
I had a threesome my first time

City
You what!?

Brenda
You never

Lily
I did

City
How old were you

Lily
We were all sixteen

Brenda
That’s a bit sexually sophisticated for sixteen is it not… boys that age think that foreplay is sharing a bottle of bucky

India
Go on, spill the beans


LOSING MY VIRGINTY

Lily
Mi mum went to bingo, I do recall
I called my first ever boyfriend up on the phone
Said, why don’t you come over
Mi mum wont be back til ten
He said id love to & can I bring a friend
I said no problem, mi mam’s filled the fridge with grub
I bought some condoms from the machine down at the pub
I met them at the bus stop they were looking so fine
I thougt ooo! Proper fit,
& I hoped they would both be mine

All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh

Lily
So we went to my bedroom & put on MTV
Had fags & cider that we blagged on a fake ID
All of a sudden they were rolling over me
Why do it with two when you can try it with three
We soon got naked, having it off on the floor
Said please be gentle cos ive never done this before
They say its never very good for your first time
But I’m glad that those bad little lads were mine

All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh


City
Alright girls, lets show the Cowgate what we got

Lily, Brenda & City howl their appreciation

Lily
Ecstasy anybody

India
Don’t mind if I do

Lily begins handing out ecstasy tablets

India
Thank you very much

Lily
{To City}
Here you go, hen

City
Nice one Lillian…
{putting cat-ears on Brenda}
Finishing touches – you look great – we can do your whiskers in the pub

Lily
A cheeky half Brenda

Brenda
I think I’ll have a full one, I’m ready to dance

City
{at the door ready to lock up}
Ladies…

Exit Lily, India, Brenda & City


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Gangstaland: Scene 12


PART 3 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 12: Rosebank Cemetery

A priest, Don, City, Charlie, Larry the Axe (in a wheelchair) & Bulldog are chatting over Archie’s grave / The General & Brenda arrive

Don
General, thanks for coming

General
We wanted to pay our respects Don

Don
Means a lot, means a lot… welcome to Edinburgh Brenda, I’m sorry we couldn’t have met under better circumstances

Brenda nods & walks off with the General to join Charlie & Bulldog / City leaves the priest and walks over to Don, who is chatting to Larry the Axe

City
How are you coping dad?

Don
I’m awight baby doll… but yer bravver… he had the world at his feet he did… if I ever saw the greasy Wops wot dun it

City
Shhh! Daddy… not today… for Archie’s sake… we gotta be strong

Don
Yer right love… be… strong

Charlie & Bulldog walk over to the Don

Charlie
My upmost sympathies Don, he was a lovely boy

Don
Thank you… I appreciate ya comin Charlie… & you Bulldog

Bulldog
Had to be here boss

The Don
It makes yer proud to be a gangster, dunnit… the whole of the Edinburgh underworld has sent my boy a wreath…. here’s one off Percy the Knife & there’s another off Concrete Feet Pete. Even Jimmy No Fingers has sent one – he got his missus to write it obviously… I mean, he had a nasty to-do with Larry the Axe

Larry the Axe
Nasty… very nasty

Sicilian guitar music / enter Don Vito, Antonio & Lucas / Gangsters freeze as if to say ‘Who the fuck is that,’ then gather around the Don / Italians take three paces forwards & stop

Don Vito
Salve, Donaldo – I am a Don Vito… you keel-a my son… no?

Italians take three paces

Don
Ah, Don Vito… you killed my son… no?

Gangsters take three paces

Don Vito
No, Donaldo…you keel a mah son …si?! And now I must a keel you… no?

Italians take three paces / now the Don stands face to face with Don Vito / All henchmen draw guns

Don
{with Italian accent, trying to ‘communicate’}
No…no…no…Don Vito…you… keela… my… sonna… See?…now I keelah you No?

Don Vito
Now you eensult me

Don Vito spits on the Don & the Italians guns go click / Don looks at spit then Don Vito

Don
Gob on my fackin funeral suit widja?
{Gangster’s guns click – Don brings out bazooka}
You’re outgunned sonnyboy – Waltz in ‘ere takin all kind ov liberties wiv my patience…dintcha… well… cam on in… make yer fackin selves at home… cos this ‘ere cemetery is where you’re stayin

Enter Lily & Nelson, Laura & Maria

Lily
NOOooo!! Don’t shoot…

All gangsters turn to face Lily – guns remain pointing at each other

Don & Don Vito
{in unison}
Nelson!

All guns point at Nelson / Lily jumps in front of him

Lily
If you shoot him… you shoot me…

Don
I don’t have a problem with that

City
{joining Lily}
& me, dad

Lily
Nelson ain’t done anything… it was all… it was all… it was all Charlie, it was him who did for Archie, & the Iti boys, n’all – he killed them all

Laura & Felicity are telling the same story to Don Vito in Italian

Don
Charlie?

Charlie
Are you trippin love! Don’t listen to them Don, they’ve been up all night… raving… dont know their arses from their elbows boss

Don
Can everybody lower their guns… remember where you are… Don Vito, do you mind

Don Vito
{gesturing to his men to lower their guns}
No – I would like-a to hear-a da more

Don
Come on then, Charlie, whats all this about… cos I for one am a little bit confused

Charlie
They’ve absolutely lost it boss, too many pills, they’re off their faces

Don
But not too smashed too talk… Nelson, what have you got to say about all this

Nelson
It’s true man… Charlie set me up, he killed Archie, the Itis, he’s got all your coke Mr Vito, & all your cash, Don, that wound on his arm he gave to himself

Charlie
Woah… woh… woh… hang on… are you seriously saying I shot myself in the fuckin arm… what ya on aboot ya tool – I nearly died down them docks… it was a deadly ambush

City
Dad, just look at him – he’s got guilty cunt written all over his face

Charlie
Shut up you tart

Don
Hold it there me old! May I remind you that’s my little girl yer gobbin at… & at my boys funeral n’all…

Lily
{passing him her mobile}
Listen to this Don

Don listens to the message

Don
Charlie, I want a simple answer to a simple fucking question – I’ll ask you once, & once only… Did you kill my son?

Charlie
No boss… course I didnae… it was them fackin Wops

Don
Then how come they’re over here wantin to know what happened to their boys?

Lily
You’ve been rumbled Charlie, you murdering bastard

Charlie panics & shoots his gun / it just clicks

Don
Well! Well! Well! What have we here?

Charlie
{looking at the gun}
What the fuck!?

Bulldog
I swapped the clips in the car, Charlie, you’ve facking lost it, mate

Don
Bulldog, take him aht!

Bulldog floors Charlie with one punch – a clean KO

Bulldog
Still got it boss, aint I…

Don
Yer never lost it, son… I’ll take over from here

Laura & Maria start hitting on Bulldog / The Don stands over a KO’d Charlie / starts slapping him hard

Don
Wake up…. fucking wake up you trollop…

Charlie
What the… get off me!

Don
Good morning sunshine – nah I ain’t killed a man in … ooo… seven years… but fer you son, I’m coming out of retirement… Bulldog… fetch me my secateurs… I’m gonna prune this pansy

Charlie
I’m beggin ya, have mercy…that coke’s fucked me up… I didnae ken what I was doin…

Don
Yes you fuckin did – so, seeing as you took the crown jewel away from my family, I’m gonna take away your family jewels… get me… Bulldog

Bulldog passes secateurs…

Charlie
Don’t do it Don…. Please, I’m begging ya… NO!

Don snips – there is a scream / Don gives Don Vito the secateurs

Don
Didn’t want you to miss out on the fun Mista Vito…. Perhaps you’d like to have the other one… For ya son

Don Vito
Yes… I think I like-a dis plan

Charlie
NO!

Don Vito snips – there is a scream

Don
Get him out of here, we’ll deal with the rest of him later, find out what happened to our boys Mr Vito

Charlie carried away / City approaches Don Vito

City
Are you not gonna introduce us

Don
Sorry, Mr Vito, this is…

City
…Felicity, & absolute pleasure to meet you

Don Vito
{kissing City’s hand}
Piaceri

City
Tell me, is there a Mrs Vito

Don Vito
Purtroppo, there is no more-a Signora Vito – she died in a freak yachting accident off Calabria

Don
That is very sad, Mr Vito, y’know, I lost my own wife in accident

Don Vito
You did

Don
Yeah, she fell out of a big dipper on Southend Pier

City
I am so sorry to hear your loss Mr Vito – but, I’m available

Don Vito
Comme?

City
Why dont we two get married, form an alliance between our families

Don
City?

Don Vito
Hmmm – it is true you are a very beautiful woman

City
Thank you Mr Vito, you’re not so bad yourself – & I do know all about the business, I’ve been watching my daddy since I was a baby girl

Don Vito
Your daddy… Donaldo?

City
Yeah, this sugarlump of loveliness is my daddy

DV
Your sugar daddy?

City
No my real daddy!

Don Vito
Brava! In this case, I accept your proposal, we shall-a get married & we all make-a, how you say, fuck loads of money, si?

Don
Hang on a minute….

City
Daddy…

Don
Alright, alright, alright, you can marry Mr Vito, you’ve both got my blessing

Don Vito
Meriviglosa!

FUNKABILITY
reprise

Laura
Have you seen Don Vito
Slick as Liberace

Maria
He always wears the coolest clothes
Armani, Versace

Antonio
They call him Mr Dandy

Lucas
He’s the coolest cat in town

Don Vito
& when I’m feeling randy
I get all the girls around
Who say

Maria, Laura, City, Lily & Brenda
Hey, Don Vito, where did you get those trousers from?

All
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability

City
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you marry me
Why don’t you show me some of your sensuality

Don Vito
& my sexuality

Don
Welcome to the family

All
{musical number finish}
Alright!


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

35062508_10156430365647520_5136386788406853632_n.jpg

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Gangstaland: Scenes 10-11


PART 3 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 10: TC’s House

It is morning / a scene of party carnage / everyone is flaked out – a few snores / City is cuddling Nelson / enter Lily

Lily
{coughing}
What’s all this then

TC
Eehh!

City
Alright Lily babe

Lily
Alright babe, glad to see you’ve been getting to know my Nelson – Nelson – wake up – NELSON!!!

Nelson
Wha-wha-wha-wha… Lily – woah – so nice to see you

Lily
Well it’s certainly not nice to see you – look at the state of ya – & this place, its trashed – & who the fuck are these two

Laura
Laura

Maria
Maria

Lily
I can’t believe you lot have been partying at a time like this

TC
We got a bit carried away last night – emotions were running high, getting the better of us – sorry & all that – hey ladies, why don’t we go & get some coffee in the kitchen – leave these two alone

Maria
Certo

Laura
He is a very good boy your Nelson, he has a voice like an angel

Nelson
Thanks

Lily gives Laura & Nelson the look of doom

City
I can’t stay, its Archie’s funeral’s in a few hours, I’ll need to freshen up

TC
{hugging}
Alright City, take care… good luck today, yeah

City
Thanks – you’re coming down right

TC
Of course I’ll be there… come on girls

Exit TC, Laura & Maria

City
Take care Nelson, it’s been fun… Lily

Nelson
Bye

Exit City – Lily gives her a look of doom too

Lily
So, tell me, what exactly has been fun

Nelson
We were just hangin out, babe, no funny business or nothing – a wee sing-song here, a wee glass of bubbly there, it was fun

Lily
Yeah, it’s all fun & games with you innit, people are dying, dont you understand?

Nelson
Do you know whats going on, cos I fucking don’t, I still cant get my head around those Tallies killing Archie, then going awol with all the money & drugs – those lassies you just met, they’re in town trying to track the Tallies down n’all

Lily
Makes sense

Nelson
What does

Lily
I’ll tell ya exactly what happened that night shall I

Nelson
I didn’t know those Mafia boys were bad apples… they seemed legit

Lily
They are legit, it’s all Charlie Boy’s doin

Nelson
Charlie?

Lily
Yeah – he’s a dirty double-crossin d**k

Nelson
How do you know that

Lily
Well, I wanted some coke didn’t I – so I rings up Archie didn’t I… he tells me to meet him down the docks, theres a supply fresh off the boat he says – I’m like great, some decent cut before Charlie gets his grubby hands on it – so I pulls up outside this lock-up, yeah, & I see these two guys, Meditteranean types

Nelson
Tallies?

Lily
Yeah, probably, slick lookin fellas – anyway, they go inside & all of a sudden I hear gunshots – a minute later Charlie dumps two dead Italians in his boot & slams a bleedin’ Archie in the front. I gets out of my car & runs over to see if I can help – suddenly Charlie turns on me & starts taking potshots. One whizzed right by my fuckin head – I was lucky to survive.

Nelson
Fuck! He must have gone crazy or summat

Lily
No shit Sherlock – now listen to this

{Charlie’s Voice Message}
Hello Lily, still on Restalrig are ya? Get the kettle on love, I’m only round the corner

Lily
Theres another one – ten minutes later – he must have been round my pad

{Charlie’s Voice Message}
Seems like you’ve flown the coup little birdy – well… I suggest you stay away cos if you start flappin about round here and singin my name … well lets just say that’ll be the last time the world hears your pretty voice

Nelson
So, Charlie’s been spinning everyone a bullshit sob story

Lily
Yep – fake news

Nelson
He must have even shot himself in the arm, the mad fucka

Lily
Charlie by name, Charlie by nature, he’s evil on that stuff

Nelson
Come here babe, I promise I’ll protect yer, hes gonna have to come through me to get to you

Lily
That’s what I’m worried about

***

TROUBLE

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but I’ve got to find a way
So I can say when all those chips were down I pushed em all all in
I might seem unruffled with a heart that’s turned to stone
But I swear I don’t wanna bear my problems all alone

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Oh, my days, I spend them waiting, hesitating
O my days

Nelson
When you feel down
You gotta lift up your soul
Find peace with what ya doing
See the wonder of it all
You gotta hear the sound
The sound of your true call
There’s a new dawn every morning
& the future starts right now
Your destiny is forming
& your dreams will show you how

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but theres got to be a day
When we can say all our troubles have been buried in the sea
If we help one another thro this crisis of our lives
We can save one another while this love of ours survives

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Lily & Nelson
Oh, my days, I spend them waiting hesitating
O my days

***

Nelson
{Getting his phone out}
I’ve gotta tell the Don what’s going on

Lily
Woaah, Woah, Woah! He won’t believe ya over the phone, will he – he’ll think yer stirring. Ya gotta tell him face to face

Nelson
Face to face – I’ll be dead before I open my mouth

Lily
It’s the only way – you are going to the funeral

Nelson
Whose, Archie’s or mine

Lily
We’ve got no choice, the longer we leave it the more time Charlie has to nab us

Nelson
Fuck!

Lily
Look, there’s a charity shop round the corner, lets get you some decent formal clobber, you cant go to a funeral looking like that… Get your shoes on, I’ll meet you in the kitchen

Exit Lily

Nelson
{getting shoes on}
Go to the Big City, Brenda says, it’ll make a man of ya – there’s a bus leaving in five minutes, she says, get yourself on it – fer fucks sake

Exit Nelson


Scene 11: Leith Walk

 Malik’s Cafe / Bulldog & Charlie are sat at a table – Charlie is on the phone

Charlie
You’ve done what – the pair of them – what for – well, I dont blame ya, that little shit Matty Grooves has had it coming to him for a long time – so what’s the mess like – well, its gonna cost ya – a thorough clean-up operation will be five grand – the equipment is very expensive – well, we’re a bit busy this morning, but we can get out to you about two – alright – make sure youve got the cash waiting or else we’ll be walking straight out the door – without the bodies

Malik brings the breakfasts out

Malik
Here you go lads, on the house

Charlie
Thank you very much Malik, very gracious of you, a nice full Scottish breakfast, just what the doctor ordered

Bulldog
Nice one – but thats not a Scottish breakfast boss

Charlie
Course it is

Bulldog
Actually – it’s not – now take this tea here… it’s from India… that bacon yer about to stuff down yer neck…
<Charlie freezes with his fork>
That’s Danish… the toast is French
<Charlie pushes toast away>
The sausage is German…
<Charlie drops fork>
& the baked beans, well, they’re an American invention…
<Charlie gives up on breakfast & folds his arms>

Bulldog
You don’t want that boss

Charlie
Nah -you ave it… aint ‘ungry

Bulldog
So, what nah?

Charlie
To tell yer the truth I fink Nelson has slipped us an old Harry Houdini – besides, the funeral starts soon – we’d best be showing our face – finish yer breakfast sharpish – but no more beans, I dinnae want yer fartin in the car

Bulldog
I’ll just take some with me – hey Malik, you don’t have a doggy bag do ya

Malik stares at Bulldog in silence / Bulldog puts sausage & bacon in his pocket / drains mug of tea / Gangsters start to leave / Don Vito, Antonio & Lucas enter / there is a silent testosterone showdown at the door / Exit Gangsters

Malik
Don Vito! Don Vito! It is an honour to have you here in my restaurant

Don Vito
Si, si, si…. do you have the merchandise

Malik
Of course Mr Vito, can I get you a drink in the meantime – on the house of course – coffee, beer, anything

Don Vito
Just give me the fuckin guns

Malik
No problem, as long as yer don’t use em on me alright, ha-ha…so, its two grand each for ya shootahs & a hundred nicker for yer ammo

He opens a case full of Uzis

Don Vito
These are Uzis… I aska for the shotguns… with an Uzi there is not enough… how you say… pain!

Malik
It’s all I could do at such short notice Mister Vito

Don Vito
Okey-dokey – I take them

Malik
Good choice, good choice, you won’t regret it
{his phone rings}
Excuse me Mr Vito – Oi fuck off… I’ll call you later
{ends call}
Every fucker wants gans… all I ever hear… gans, gans, gans, gans, gans! Leith’s gone gun fucking mental

Don Vito
Antonio

Antonio gives Malik a load of cash / Malik begins to count it out

Don Vito
You need not count it… there is more than enough

Malik
If you say so Mr Vito

Don Vito
{sniffing gun}
I do – now we are ready – ready for revenge

***

FAFFAN CULO

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
Pick up yer tool, Ya’ll
Goin’ ter meet my friends
We’re comin to make amends
& when we get back to Rome
We’ll tell the family
The problem is history
Hey-Hey-Hey

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
The Don is a goner
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
We’ll take yer to school y’all
Learn our philosophy
No one is the boss o me
& keeping corragio
Cos we are the mafia
We’ve come to look after ya
You won’t be needin a gun
We’ve already got you one
Hey-Hey-Hey

Antonio & Lucas
What means more than King & Country
Going to war, fighting for your family
There might be mud, there might be slaughter
But then your blood is thicker than water

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
The Don is a goner
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay

***

Don Vito
Andiamo! Andiamo

Malik
Andy who?

Exit Mafia Boys


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

35062508_10156430365647520_5136386788406853632_n.jpg

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Gangstaland: Scenes 6-9


PART 3 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 6: Outside the Bongo Club

TC & Nelson are talking to the Bouncer

TC
Listen here you daft cxxt, why don’t you just f**k off and eat a bag of d*cks

Bouncer
& what did he say?

TC
Nuttin!… he just waddl’d off dinnee – I mean, I aint paid an Edinburgh City parking fine in ten years & I’m not gonna start now

Bouncer
Damn right, in you go lads – & I hope you’re not up anything tonight TC

TC
Would I?

TC shakes Bouncers hand as they go in / the bouncer opens his hand to find a red & blue ecstasy tablet

Bouncer
Red or blue? Red or blue? Sod it

Bouncer double drops


Scene 7: The Bongo Club

Erb & Ting are playing – Laura & Maria are among the ravers

REAL DEAL

MC
Monkey to the West, monkey to the East
Something going on in the call of yer mind
Cos theres a whistle posse cryin for peace
Everybodys grooving to the thrill in your mind

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

MC
It’s so hot, burnin’ like a sauna
If ya call yer mother y’know she’ll disown yer
Everybody’s happy, the club’s like a beach
There’s a simple presence that we’re tryin to preach

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Enter Nelson & TC

TC
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body x2

Nelson
It’s so sharp, sharper than a razor
It gives a little sizzle when ya dip in the sea
& it cut some ice, cut it like a lazer,
Everybodys digging who ya tryin to be

MC
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Ravers
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

Nelson
Deep & fat, dirty & funky
Sing it like a cat or swing it like a monkey
What ya do with yer time is yer own design
Everybodys groovin to the thrill in yer mind

Harmony 1
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal

Harmony 2
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body

Harmony 3
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

***

Nelson
Its kickin off tonight, big style

TC
Yeah man
{giving Nelson a few pills}
In case we split up

Nelson
I’m proper mash’d already me, these blue eccies are absolutely blindin – gimme some love bro
{they hug}
Talking of love – I love Lily, me, I really do love her, but bloody hell, it’s like the hen-do of the gods tonight

TC
Yeah, man, check out those two Latinos over there
{pullin out pills & pointing to Maria & Laura doing doing an erotic dance}
I might get a chance to try out one of these babies

Nelson
What are those – viagra?

TC
Nah mate, Ketamagra

Nelson
Ketamagra, what the fucks that

TC
Horse viagra – they keep you up for days bruv, if you know what I mean

Nelson
Uugh – you’re a fuckin animal you – & yer got disco foam

TC
{wiping pasties with finger & thumb}
Are they gone

Nelson
Nah mate

TC
{wiping furiously}
Gone nah?

Nelson
Yeah, looking good

TC
Sweet – so back to business, I’ve got a pocket full of chick tokens & I wanna cash em in

They reach Maria & Laura

TC
Good evening ladies

Nelson
Maria! Laura!

Maria & Laura
Ciao Nelson!

Nelson
What the fuck are you doing here?

Maria
We are looking for Alessandro, have you seen him?

Laura
He’s-a meesing

Nelson
He’s missing as well! This shit is just getting crazier & crazier

TC
Sorry to interrupt ladies – I hope you don’t mind – it appears that you all know each other?

Nelson
We met in Italy a couple of days ago – they’re Don Vito’s girls

TC
Wow, well, welcome to Scotland – my name’s TC
{kissing hands}
Now, why don’t you three find a table, & have a wee ccatch up – I’ll bring some drinks over, what are you having?

Laura
We like champagne

TC
{splurting out his drink}
Champagne…!?

Maria
Si, good champagne

Nelson
Just get the drinks TC… I’ll have a lager, here you are girls, there’s a table free over here…


Scene 7: Outside the Bongo

Barry the Bouncer is buzzing / City arrives running

Bouncer
Good Evening Felicity

City
Alright Barry – is TC in

Bouncer
He certainly is – he’s got some proper nice pills n’all, I’m buzzin mi tits off here

City
Very professional

Bouncer
In you go darlin’

City enters the club, Charlie & Bulldog arrive

Bouncer
Allright boys

Charlie
Bulldog!

Bulldog steps up eagerly & sparks out the Bouncer / He then grabs the Bouncer by shoulders & slaps him about a bit

Bulldog
He’s out cold

Charlie
Leave him

Bulldog
Still got it aint I boss

Charlie
You never lost it, Bulldog, you never lost it
Now in we go, keep yer eyes peel’d


Scene 9: Nightclub

Nelson, TC, Laura & Maria are in deep discussion around a table, the rave is bangin’ all around

MC
Posse ready, posse go… hey hey hey!!
Posse ready, posse go… hoe hoe hoe!!

Enter City

City
Boys! Boys!

Nelson
City – are you alright?

City
Charlie knows you’re here – he’s on his way his down right now – he’s gonna be here any minute

Nelson
Fuck – what are we gonna do?

TC
We’re gonna get out of here, that’s what we’re gonna do

Nelson
But what about…

Laura
We go weeeth you

TC
Right lets skedaddle – we can get onto the Royal Mile thro’ the upstairs’ bit

Exit City, Nelson, TC, Laura & Maria / enter Charlie & Bulldog – jostled by ravers, checking everybody in club / causing trouble

MC
We aint got no time for no light-weight’s an no slaver chops, fuck keeping your trainers clean… let’s ave it… wait a minute – who are these fuckin wannabee bad boys messin up the vibes – donít come ‘ere an try & be Moses partin the rave sea…. get out of my fuckin club

Charlie snaps / draws gun from sling / roars / Lets rip at MC / the stunned MC drops behind decks / other ravers run out

MC
Security to the dancefloor – security to the dancefloor

Charlie lets off a few more rounds, when it stops clicking the MC gets up & dashes out

Bulldog
Bleedin ‘ell gav, ya’ve emptied ya clip… & the club…

Charlie
I fuckin hate dance music me – it sounds like someone’s kickin a drum kit doon a set of stairs

Enter Bouncer, raving

Bouncer
Alright boys – whats going on – why has the music stopped?

Bulldog
Can I do ‘im again boss, can I, can I?

Charlie
Nah, he’s done, & so am I – not to mention thoroughly piss’d off – come on Bulldog, let’s get out of here

Bouncer
Nice one lads! Top fuckin night!

Exit Charlie & Bulldog


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

35062508_10156430365647520_5136386788406853632_n.jpg

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Gangstaland: Scene 5


PART 3 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 5: City’s Pad

City is at home, alone, chopping out a line of coke / the intercom buzzes

City
Who’s that?

Nelson
Alright City, its Nelson

City
Nelson? Do come up

Enter Nelson wearing an Italian hand-bag

Nelson
How’s it going

City floors Nelson with a handy mallet

Nelson
What the fuck? Come on City, back off

After a tussle Nelson wrestles an agitated City to the floor

Nelson
Have you gone mental or what!?

City
How dare you… how could ya… why, why would ya

Nelson
What ya on about… I’ve done nothing

City
Naffink… how about setting my dad up with them murderous Wops

Nelson
Wops? What… Don Vito

City
Yeah, that’s the prick

Nelson
Nah… not Don Vito… he’s a disco-dancing gangster

City
Well, this diamond geezer o’ yours has just killed my little brother

Nelson
Whoa! Archie’s dead

City
Yep

Nelson
Chill out City! Look me in the eyes – do you think I would honestly get involved in something like that – I’m gonna stand up now… the bats over there… if you don’t believe me, use it!

City
It’s not a bat, it’s a mallet you muppet!

Nelson lets City go / she grabs mallet then pauses

Nelson
You gonna tell me whats going on?

City
Because of my mate Lily you got the best job in mi dad’s organisation, his fucking liason officer, swanning off round the friggin world, all expenses paid, & all you could do is betray our trust

Nelson
What are you on about – what exactly happened to Archie?

City
Well, Charlie & Archie were dahn the docks meeting your so-called mates – anyway, those fackin Wops decide to shoot everyone up & do a runner with the reddies & all the fucking coke

Nelson
Shit! I don’t know what to say… Don Vito seemed on the level

City
So, you really knew nothing about it

Nelson
Too fuckin right I knew nothing about it – I thought those Mafia boys were sound, tho’ – I wouldn’t have put Don Vito down as the dodgy type

City
He’s a facking gangster, Nelson, of course he’s the facking dodgy type – in this game the only people you can really trust are your family – & I’ve just gone & lost the one I trusted most, my beautiful bravver

Nelson
This is so fucked up – this time last week I was at my work in Peebles – I’d never even seen Edinburgh, let alone been to Italy. But, there’s no chance I’m ever going back to Peebles, its shit. I have to stay in Edinburgh now, I gotta sort it out with the Don.

City
You’re ‘avin a fackin laugh aintcha, my dad would have you killed the moment he saw you -listen, its Archie’s funeral tomorrow, I’m all over the place, have a drink with me, Moet & Chandon, very expensive

Nelson
OK, why not, I think I need a drink

City pours him champagne

City
Cheers – let’s have a cheeky line as well
{City starts chopping out the lines}
You know, Lily’s a lucky girl, to find a guy like you, youre cute & clever… a proper lush combo

Nelson
Thanks, but speaking of Lily a minute – that’s why I’m here – where the fuck is she – she’s just vanished

City
Ask TC

Nelson
TC?

City
Yeah, she bolted to his the night it all kicked off… she was in a right old state – we had a wee chat, didn’t speak long, & I haven’t heard a tinkle from her since – she’s even off her facebook

Nelson
& her twitter, snapchat, messenger, instagram & her whats app – I’ve tried em all

City
Yep, very weird

Nelson
{getting up}
I’ve gotta go & find her

City
What’s the rush? Do you not fancy chilling for a bit, tell me all about your trip to Italy, I could do with the company

Nelson
I’d love too… you know I would… but I can’t…

City runs to the front door / locks it / Nelson laughs & walks to City

Nelson
Come on City, dont mess us about, give me them keys

City
{putting them down her bra}
Why dont you get em yerself

***

LETS GET IT ON

Nelson
Ya betta know ya business
Ya gotta twirl those girls around
Then you can swap yer missus
for the cutest girl in town
You gotta act all surreptitious
Gotta sneak in right behind
Lace her neck with kisses
That stuffs sure to blow her mind

City
I say get down eezy geezer
God I’d love to dance with you
You got the grooves & I got the moves
& one & one makes two
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They dance

Nelson
I love the way ya waltzing
Thro the funkstyle on the floor
Like a starving solzenhitsen
Waving scarves of semaphore
& I love the way yer hanging
Like a bird upon the air
I love yer smile, & I love yer style
& I’d love to smell your hair

City
So how about it baby
The call is up to you
I can make you feel your body’s real
Just how you’d like me to

Yes, two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

Nelson
Well you are so fucking tidy
& I know you know you are
Like a pornographic Heidi
In a silver jaguar
On a drive beside the ocean
On a balmy night in June
When the stars dance in devotion
To the music of the moon
Lets get it on
Lets get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They are just about to kiss when the Intercom buzzes

Nelson
Don’t answer it

City
It might be Lily

Nelson
In that case, definitely don’t answer it

City
Who’s that?

TC
Alright City, darlin, its TC, let us in

City
Hey TC come up

Nelson
How does he do that?

City
We’ll carry on where we left off later, right

Nelson
Ehm, about that, I think we got a bit carried away there – that coke of yours is pretty strong

City
That wasn’t the coke, Nelson, that was our chemistry

TC starts banging on the door

City
Hang on, hang on – shit where’s my keys, I can’t find them

Nelson
I think they’re down, ehm

City
Oh, yeah

City opens the door

TC
Alright City, hey Nelson, what the fuck are you doing here?

Nelson
I just got off the plane

TC
If I were you I’d jump on the first flight back – you do know you are a dead man walking

Nelson
So I’ve heard – but listen man, honesty, I never knew those Mafia Boys were dodgy

TC
Of course you didn’t, mate, you’re too fucking stupid to pull a heist that slick – but there’s blood on somebody’s hands & unfortunately, your fingerprints are all over the shooter – say, is that a little changa I see before me

City
Help yourself

TC
Sound

Nelson
Yo TC, have you seen Lily

TC
Lend us a card

Nelson
{getting out his bank card}
Where is she

TC
How do I know?

Nelson
Yer a good guy TC, but sometimes yer go too far with that funny shit…

City
He knows where she is

TC
Alright, alright…she’s staying with me, but she wont be in tonight, though, she’s off to Glasgow… says she’ll be back tomorrow

Nelson
What’s she doing in Glasgow

TC
{snorting coke}
She never said

Intercom buzzes

City
Fuck’s sake – who’s that?

Charlie
Let us in Felicity

City
Shit – its Charlie

Nelson
Well tell him you’re not in or summat

City
It’s a bit late for that – what do you want Charlie

Charlie
Its yer dad’s business

City
Hang on a minute, let me just get dress’d – what do I do

TC
I don’t know about you, but he needs to get out of her pronto

City
The kitchen window leads out back

TC
Nice one… Nelson come on, we’re outta here

City
Where ya going

TC
We’ll be down the Bongo Club, Erb & Ting are on

Nelson & TC leave / buzzer still going

City
Awright keep yer hair on… in yer trot

Enter Bulldog & Charlie

Charlie
Where is he?

City
Who?

Charlie
Don’t take the piss… I know Nelson’s back in Leith & odds on he’s been here…

City
Aint seen him

Charlie
Whats all this then? Looks like you’ve had company – Bulldog, have a look around

City
One of mi girlfriends popped round for a glass of wine & a couple of lines – she left five minutes ago – anyway, how dare ya burst into my house & start shoutin yer maath off… wait til my dad hears about this

Charlie
{picking up bank card}
Yeah, wait til he hears about this – what Nelson’s fuckin bank card – tell me where he is & we’ll say no more about it

Bulldog
‘E’s not here boss

Charlie
Any ideas?

Bulldog
He could be with TC

Charlie
Of course, what am I thinking – shite attracts shite dunnit, & the pair of them act like a couple of fackin buffters

Bulldog
There’s a rave down the Bongo tonight boss

Charlie
Yeah, yeah, that’s where they’ll be alright

City
Nah, nah, TC’s left town for a few days, & Nelson’s gone back to Peebles, he says, to see his gran, she’s ill or summat

Charlie
Lyin bitch – if you weren’t his daughter, I swear…

City
Well I am… so, what that fuck ya gonna do about it, big man

Charlie
A headfuck without the bodyfuck… whats the point

Bulldog
Lifes a bitch then yer marry one boss

Charlie
Exactly, now come on, let’s get down the Bongo

Exit Charlie & Bulldog


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

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Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen