Alibi: Scenes 1-2


PART 1 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 1 – Peebles Town Centre

 Brenda the Busker is sat underneath a cash machine with a guitar & a fake comedy dog / she is singing a song / enter a Wee Gadgie

Brenda
Alright big man, help the homeless

Wee Gadgie
I’m skint mate

Brenda
No worries, have a good night

Wee Gadgie
How am I gonna have a good night with no money, get a fuckin’ job yer hobo

Exit Wee Gadgie, enter Nelson

Brenda
Nelson!!

Nelson
Alright Brenda, hows trix

Brenda
Y’know, surviving… but wots up wi’ you Nelson, your face is trippin’ ya

Nelson
Bad day at work, y’know, my boss is a pain-in-the ass

Brenda
I’ve never had a boss, me… I’m me own boss –

Nelson
Lucky you

Brenda
Spare any change?

Nelson
What, I earn it so you can spend it on smack

Brenda
Nah, mate, gone clean, sorted me ‘ed out – this is just for the hostel tonight

Nelson
{giving change}
Why not, I’ve put in a bit of overtime this week

Brenda
Nice one fella
{Nelson starts drawing out his money}
Yo Nelson – you’ve been comin to this cash point every Friday now for as long as I can remember, wearing the same old chinos & the same pair of shoes

Nelson
Yeah, & you’ve been here every fuckin time

Brenda
I know that, its mi job innit, but what do you do every Friday night

Nelson
You know, the usual, I go down the pub with me mates – that’s where I’m off to now, for a night on the tiles

Brenda
{standing up}
Look, mate, since I’ve got my head together I’ve been thinking a lot about you & I got some advice for ya

***

TURNAROUND

Brenda
Kid make a fresh start
Let’s take the new road to walk down
Cos you know in your heart
That it’s time to leave your hometown
It’s a big world out there
Millions of girls your own age, horny
Let me tell you man I swear
If i had the chance I would always keep on moving

Nelson
I’ve bin grindin my bones for all these years
For a sackful o stones & a sink full of tears
First they fill you with loans
& then they kill your ideas
Our planet – is waiting for us all

 

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround (x 3)
& head on down the loose track baby
& never turnaround & think of home
& then o maybe
You will find a finer place of liberty & life
The tales you’ll tell beside the fireplace
To all your children & their children

Nelson
I’ve bin stuck in a rut & I can’t break free
Bin bustin mi gut in a factory
Industrial slut & I’ve lost my dreams
But our planet – is waitin for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
& hear the sound of your heart singin
Come on boy leave ya friends
& family & all the things you know
It’s time to go, cos there’s
A better life if you can find it
& tho the road is lined with trials
There’s mystery if you don’t mind it

Brenda & Nelson
It’s time to (time to) turnaround
It’s time to (time to) turnaround

***

Nelson
Cheers mate, ya right, this towns shit, I might as well split, the worlds my oyster innit, but where should I go first?

Brenda
The big city kid, it’ll make a man o yer

Nelson
The Big City – what, Glasgow?

Brenda
Fuckoff – not Weegieland, it’s full of numpties, I meant the capital, the capital of Scotland – the Athens of the North, the Dingwall of the South – Edinburgh

Nelson
Well, I’ve always thought about checkin’ it one day

Brenda
Of course you should laddie – I mean look at this place – it’s more like a retirement village – you should be thinkin about visitin the continent – not the incontinent – This place is just a graveyard with a TK Max

Nelson
You know, you’re right, I think I’m gonna do it

Brenda
Of course I’m right, the streets are in my blood, bruother – I see everything me – anyway, there’s a bus leaving this evening, why don’t you get yourself on it

Nelson
Tonight…. that’s a bit soon, innit

Brenda
Time & red hot, horny ladies shaking their asses on a Friday night wait for no man

Nelson
I’m gonna do it – yeah, fuck it, I’m, I’m doing it – I’ll send you a postcard, yeah

Brenda
Not to this bank though, I get all my mail sent to the Barclays up the road

Nelson
Right O, catch yer on the flipside sister



SCENE 2 – Edinburgh

A busy Princes Street – TC is hanging out – Nelson gets off the bus

Nelson
Wow this is mental – look at the buildings, the trams – the double-decker busses – the shops – the castle – the women!

TC
Welcome to the capital kid, you sound like you’re from outta town, where ya from

Nelson
Some place ya never heard of

TC
Just arrived have ya

Nelson
Yeah, I’m fresh off the bus

TC
Cool, they call me TC

Nelson
Nelson

TC
Say, kid, its Friday night, I’m goin ravin, you like to party

Nelson
Sometimes

TC
Well my mates just given me a few cheeky pills – the very the latest out of Amsterdam

Nelson
What, ecstasy

TC
Yeah… he flew in this morning with a few hundred stuck up his ass

Nelson
Uuuugh

TC
Dont worry, he used protection – now then, do wanna try one or not

Nelson
Go on then

TC
Here you go pal – tell me what ya think

{TC passes Nelson a pill}

Nelson
Uuugh – that tastes rank

TC
That’s the MDMA that is, the more bitter it tastes, the better the mash-up, right

Nelson
I guess so – wait a minute – fuckin hell

TC
Are you alright kid

Nelson
I think so… I come up on my drugs straight away me – my doctor says its my hyperactive metabolisms or something

***

ULTRA-GROOVY HIGH

Nelson
There’s nothing of this world
Like a free & easy man
He can do whatever he wants to
& what he likes he’ll do
Whatever, whenever he can
I’m a-rollin, easy strollin
Down the road, I hear my callin
In the music that I’m singin man
Its the only way to make the streets
Your own

Because the way I’m feelin now
I didn’t even know that it existed,
The way I’m feelin ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

 

TC
Wooah kid… are you alright

Nelson
No, mate, I’m really suffering

TC
Shit, sorry

Nelson
Yeah I’m suffering… from a case of top quality banter

TC
Ha-ha – its them pills mate, so they’re proper decent, yeah?

Nelson
Fuckin magic mate, I’m flyin here

TC
Wicked, I might try one myself

Nelson
What, have you never tried these before

TC
Course not, I always get a muppet to neck one first… Lookin at the nick of you I might just have an half

Nelson
Ya cheeky bastard

TC
Cheeky’s my middle name kid

Nelson
I’m a-skippin thro the subways
In my bliss’d-out sister love haze
& I’m a-driftin thro my drug days
& the super-shlinky soul light’s
Shinin thro…
Theres a rollercoaster risin man
Above the blue horizon &
You’ll never put a price upon
The way I’m feelin now
You’d never know

Nelson & TC
Because the way I’m feelin now
I didn’t even know that it existed
The way Im feelin ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

Nelson
& it’s true what the say about livin
I guess yer live until yer die
Cos the time we spend must fly
I’m livin on an ultra groovy high

TC
& now I’m ultra groovy high,
Ive found an oasis
I’m gonna see places I’ve never seen before
Opening doors, breaking yer laws
I’m feelin like a force of nature hollerin
The valley of Kings now I’ve spread my wings
& I can fly

***

TC
You’re right, these pills are hard core, bruv
I’m fuckin’ flyin here

Nelson
Told ya

TC
You’ll diddly do for me brother – gizza cuddle
{they cuddle}
Like I said, there’s a wicked rave on down the Bongo club tonight – its call’d Mumbo Jumbo – fancy a boogie

Nelson
Do bears shit in the woods

TC
Dunno, don’t get bears in the big city, but what we do get is proper phat phumpin beats – lets go – word to the wise tho, don’t try any of that ‘up, down turnaround’ shit, you’ll get slapped for being a nobhead – but first, we’re going shopping – theres a nice little retro shop down the Grassmarket – get you out of those townie threads – you look like my granddad

Nelson
What yer talking about, this lot cost me a fortune

TC
Well they saw you comin… Trust me, you look like a dick, now come on before the shops shut

Exit TC & Nelson


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

The world’s leading exponent of Dramatic Blank Verse

***

Articles:

Composing Conchordia, Provence

Composing Conchordia: Vaulting the Lockdown

Timewarpin’: Scenes 8-Outro


PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 8: The Streets of Leith, this time next year

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Brenda is waiting on a street corner – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

***

WAY OUT

Brenda
I’m so tired of your nonsensical mind
Show me the way out, show me the way out I can find

I’m so bored, I’m so bored of your bullshit brain
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this drain

I’m so lost, I’m so lost in your foolish ways
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this maze

I’m so caught, I’m so caught by your awful spell
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this hell

Turn, turn that mad tap off of my life force
You’ve had a good blast as yer took me to task
Now I’m askin for a bit of relief
Burn, burn that bridge that you thought we were buildin’
Cos my bridge can’t stand on on your selfish sands
As you pull the rug from under me feet
& the culling of my heart is complete

I’m so torn, because you tear my soul apart
Show me the way in
Show me the way into your heart

***

Enter Malik

Malik
Wotcha Brenda

Brenda
Oh, hi, Malik, thanks for coming out at such short notice

Malik
So what can I do you for

Brenda
I was looking for a… a… a gun

Malik
A gun, well, I might be able to help you out with that, so what kind of gun are you looking for

Brenda
Nothing fancy, just one that works.

Malik
Well, it just so happens that I’ve got a nice little WW2 German number in my pocket… four hundred quid

Brenda
Sure
{starts handing out the notes}

Malik
& bullets, do you want any bullets

Brenda
I’ll just need the one please

Malik
Well, there’s three or four in the chamber already, just keep ’em – gizmme a bell if you want anymore

Brenda
I’ll keep that in mind, thanks

Malik
Are you alright doll

Brenda
Never been better – I’ll see you around Malik

Exit Malik

Brenda
I’ts been a beautiful journey, world, but… I just cannae cope anymore

Brenda shoots herself, but the gun goes click

Brenda
Story of my life, nothing’s ever worked

Brenda accidentally shoots herself in the head

General
Noo…… Brenda !!!

The General dashes to Brenda & picks her up in his arms

***

WESTERN SUICIDE

Dante
Old man pulls down the shutter
She’s dead, down in the gutter,
Her blood pours thro’ the sewers
No fun, life in the cureless grey
On a day like today

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

Her momma thought her so pretty
She bought a ticket to the city
She left her mansion in Cockenzie
So fast, flyin’ like a kamakaze
In a Hollywood, movie

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

She work’d for twenty seven hours a day
Dumb, lazy boyfriend’s wastin all her pay
Now she’s lost her job got nowhere to stay
Her life’s young dreams have all faded away
On a day like today

General
Why throw it away when ya cant turn back
Put it all on red & watch the ball turn black

Dante & General
She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

So you think you’re so lucky that your life is not like that!

***

Larry
What the fuck are you doing Dante?

Dante
We are in the future, exactly one year from the day that Brenda caught you shmozzing with that floozy & the plastic monkeys… she could not cope with the break-up & so she sunk into a deep depression which has led to this sad, sad moment

Larry
O my god, what have I done, Brenda, I’m so sorry, Dante how can I change it, how can we fix this?

Dante
Look inside yourself Tristan, what is your soul saying, tell me boy, what are the words

***

SEMINAL LIVES

General
We spend our chemical youth
Lookin for love & seekin truth til
We’ve had our fill of the feeling
But now I’m towing the right line
Findin the time to free my mind
& findin’ life so appealin’
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
Dont seem to give a damn about anyone
stop or you’re goin to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin’ inside my head
Running around in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin rat & I’m caught in the undertow

We spend our seminal lives
Lookin for ways to woo our wives
When we’re ready to settle
All our criminal past
Hide it away in plaster cast
Or wrap it in precious metal
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin inside my head
Running round & round in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin man & I’m caught in the undertow

***

Dante
Well, well, well – I said it was an imposible task – but the boss upstairs insisted you had a shred of decency somewhere – I didn’t expect it at all, but, my boy, I think you have learned your lesson & earned yourself your reprieve… there shall be last timewarp to make….

General
Cheers Dante, everything you said makes sense pal, y’know you might look like a complete tube but you’re alright underneath – if this is our last jump together, lets hold hands or something

Dante
I am afraid I will not be escorting you on this timewarp – it will be our goodbye Tristan, so farewell & good luck

Dante
Its been great
{They shake hands}
& one more thing…. Don’t fuck it up!

General
I’m on it pal… timewarpin’


Scene 9: The General’s Flat, today

General
Timewarpin’ – Woah, wait a minute – what, that’s well weird – I can’t remember taking any ketamine

The doorbell goes / the General answers it / Shannon is waiting at the door in a sexy outfit

Shannon
Hello Sailor!

General
Shannon… do come in come in

Shannon
I am feeling so fucking horny
{starts waving the psychedelic spunk monkey}
I brought us something to play with

General
Wooaahhh! Wait one mother fuckin’ minute –– I’m buzzin’ with de ja vu – we’ve been in this exact situation before

Shannon
What are you on about

General
Dante Alighieri

Shannon
Who

General
Dante Alighieri – the poet

Shannon
What have you been taking, you – & can I have some

General
Look Shannon, I’ve enjoy’d our hook-ups, really I have, but, but I can’t see you again, like, ever

Shannon
& why not

General
I’ve got a girlfriend – did I just say that – yeah I did, no, I do, I’ve got a girlfriend – & I fuckin’ lov her n’all – you’ll have to leave

Shannon
You never said you had a girlfriend

General
You never asked – but you’ve gotta go, its over

Shannon
Its over is it, alright, fuck you
{Shannon waves her small wiener finger}
I wasn’t missing much anyway

Exit Shannon

General
{starting to tidy up}
Jeesh – look at the state of this place

***

Enter Brenda

Brenda
What are you doing

General
Tidying the house honey… you’re home early

Brenda
Work let me go, they said I was too tired, they’re bang on, y’know, I’m exhausted

General
Why don’t you put your feet up, I’ll run you a bath, eh, then cook us up a nice tasty tea, how does that sound

Brenda
Are you alright

General
Yeah, never been better – listen babe, I’ve realised I’ve been a massive jerk – I promise things are gonna change round here– I’m gonna change

Brenda
How are you gonna change

General
Well dunno, day-by-day, intelligent increments & bold baby-steps – I’m even open for suggestions honey, you can mould me

***

NAVIGATOR

General
Show me the way to na-na-navigate thro’ all your mood swings
Show me the way to satisfy your tender love
Show me the way to a-na-nhialate those things that bug you
I need to hug you, snug you, drug you with my love

Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to sa-sa-suffocate my mental monkeys
The way they move inside my mind makes me so mad
Show me the way to understand the way you think Im thinking
Cos you’re the singlest sweetest treat I’ve ever had

General & Brenda
Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

Hold on to the things you love
You might never get another chance to love someone
Before the songs are gone & sitting so sad
On the tip of your tongue
My baby
Lets hit the countryside & leave our pride behind us
In this wide world we living in
Go strolling in the heather
Go floating like a feather
Over that stormy weather

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to demonstrate my sweet desire for you
Show me the way to remonstrate when things go wrong
Show me the way to sa-sa-celebrate your vixen fire
Cos youre the music in my soul & I’m your song

General
Cos when we come together

Brenda
Yes when we come together

General
We gonna come together

Brenda
Go strolling in the heather

General
Go floating like a feather

Brenda
Over that stormy weather

General
I love u baby
U know I do I’m hot for you

Brenda
I love ya too boy
What’s wrong with you, you seem brand new

General
Don’t go to work girl
Lets lie in bed & make love instead

Brenda
Present past future
Youre the truest love of mine

General
& all we need is music
Converstion & good wine

General & Brenda
Present past & futures’ gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ve seen was history
Shatterd into pieces Speaking to this species
As if odyssean song
Cos weve been Timewarpin

Brenda
I love you Tristan

General
I love you too honey

Brenda
So wheres this meal you gonna be cooking for me – im starving

General
Fuck cooking baby, lets go out & grab a romantic meal – I’m paying

Brenda
Sure

General
You’re gonna have to lend me another forty quid tho

Fin.


OUTRO

And so its time for us to go
I hope that you enjoy’d the show
Come again, bring ya friends
But not if theyve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin straight from the hip
So come on get a grip
Of the song as it slips from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our
Laud us at our play


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Timewarpin’: Scenes 6-7


PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 6: Geneva, 2050

A meeting of the world leader cabal – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
When are we now

Dante
It is the year is 2050 – those people sitting down are members of the world leader cabal – they are so obsessed with money they are literally killing the planet earth all in the name of personal wealth

General
Pure greed

Dante
Essato – any moment now they are to receive a visit from a certain body of green activists

General
What, Greenpeace, Extinction Rebellion

Dante
No, these are the main guys, they call themselves the druids, my boy – & here they come, bang on time as usual – they’re very punctual are the pendragons

Enter druids

***

LOVE THE PLANET

Drowning islands, blood red diamonds
Assassin silence, it’s all the same
Sighing Parthenon, dying Amazon
Cryin’ now shes gone, we’re all to blamne

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Many people fear we must dissapear
(Melt away) Like a candle
Look inside your soul, we could lose it all
(People say) it’s a scandal

Children’s hunger pang, dead orangatang
We’ll go off with a bang, still in our youth
God got no halo, she lyin’ down below
Mother Gaia know the simple truth

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

When you look at me tell me what you see
(Am I real) am I worthless
Look upon the earth calculate its worth
(Can you feel) it is priceless
To ye high & almighty masters of economy
Thinking that ecology could never pay
Your grotesque cabal of kings
Got so many diamond rings

I’m talking world implosion
I’m talking bout soil erosion
I’m talk bout dirty oceans too

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Love the planet – don’t be a stranger
Love the planet – cos shes in danger
Love the planet – no need to change her ways
Cos she’s the only one we got

***

World Leader 1
Your protest has been noted

World Leader 2
You may leave…

Druid
We hope you heed our words of warning well

World Leader 3
Your advice has been registered

Exit druids / World Leaders burst into laughter

World Leader 3
Fucking hippies

World Leader 1
So, anyway where were we

World Leader 2
The Israelis – apparently they refuse to buy any more missiles

World Leader 3
We’ll see about that shall we

World Leader 2
Yes, I think a little war in the Middle East is long overdue

World Leader 1
After lunch gentlemen – listening to those beatniks has given me an appetite for some ethnic foods

World Leader 2
Grand idea

World Leader 3
How’s the new house coming along {insert name of world leader}

World Leader 1
Slowly – the natives are being a terrible nuisance – they simply refuse to leave the island

World Leader 2
Have you tried an epidemic – there’s plenty of Coronavirus still in storage at my castle in Luxemburg

World Leader 3
I’d like a new island myself, with the oceans rising so much these days… there’s plenty of new ones available

***

SHANGRI-LA

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna plant me my standard there
I’m gonna claim it for my country
As I build my country there

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a palace there
I’m gonna fill the pool with diamonds
Fountain rose milk everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me my prison there
I’m gonna chain the native wisemen up
In mucky dungeon’s air

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harem there
I’m gonan bed the local beauties
Scatter rubies everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 1
Oh, Islandwhana
Boer Country Farmer
We’ve got to count the spears
& bake the tears in ancient customs

World Leader 2
Oh, Las Malvinas
What comes between us,
Lets go to Amritsar & masticate
The old dominions

World Leader 3
Oh, Teotihuaucan
On the way to Japan
Conquistadors broke down the temple doors
& call’d priests Indians

Unlucky Lucknow
On the field of plassey
We’ll slaughter fine young braves
To save their souls from dark idolatry

World Leaders 1 & 2
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harbour there
I’m gonna send a boat for all my friends
This paradise to share

***

General
They are proper evil bampots, them lot, like

Dante
Indeed they are – it is time to explain why we are here.. the Rise of the Druids represents the spirit of your Brenda, pleading to common sense & humanity… while the World Leader are…

General
Are me, I presume

Dante
Essato, you really getting to grips with all this aren’t you

General
I think I’m getting it now, yeah, I have been a massive prick to Brenda, but its just, I’m just so young & so good looking & so fuckin talented – I cannae help it if the birds are into me, & its just so difficult to say no, especially when your mojo is on fire

Dante
Hmmm

General
What!?

General
You think you are so smart, so clever, so cool

General
I don’t think so, I know so

Dante
It is definitively time for your next lesson.. one in humility, I think you need to learn your place in the cosmos young man….

General
Lets do it

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


SCENE 7:  A Sri Lankan Beach

Enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
Where are we

Dante
This is the island of Ceylon

General
Where

Dante
Of course, they changed its name, didn’t they, what is it again, ah that’s right, we are on the beaches of Sri Lanka, Boxing Day 2004

General
Why does that date ring a bell

Dante
Look at that

General
At what

Dante
Look, out to sea

General
I cannae see anything

Dante
Look again

General
Nah, nothing… why’s the tide out so far

Dante
Look again

General
Fuck – it’s a tidal wave, we’ve gotta get out of her

Dante
You are perfectly safe with me, now watch, & listen

***

TSU-NA-MI

Dante
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember them fleeing those huge walls of water
That snapp’d them & toss’d them & made bloody piles
She’ll search’d for her daughter around Hambantota
A sad scene repeated some three thousand miles

Remember the host of the ghostly battalion
Imagine them drown’d in a growling sea
Beach-huts for driftwood, corpses for carrion
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember the sounds on the shores of Sri Lanka
The crunching & breaking & snapping & screams
As ships of pig-iron are ripped from the anchor
& pack’d teeming trains flung from bent, steely beams

Remember the trail of those waves of destruction
From Asia to Africa surged the wild sea
Remember, remember the Lord of the Ocean
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI!

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

***

General
I do, yeah, its like I’m a part of nature & we’re all one entity & everything

Dante
Very good, my boy, very good… I think you are ready

General
Ready, ready for what

Dante
For your final lesson… its time to take you home… ready?

General
I suppose I am, yeah, lets do it

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Timewarpin’: Scenes 3-5


PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 4: ENGLAND (1643)

Mary Sutton, the swimming of a witch in 1608, Her cartwheel was broken: it was believed that if this was done a witch couldn’t curse you

An English village – Lucy Periwinkle is tied to a stake inserted in a pile of firewood – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
Where are we? When are we?

Dante
This is England, sixteen hundred & forty three – the height of the Civil War – you are about to witness the execution of a young woman call’d Lucy Periwinkle

General
What did she do

Dante
Nothing at all

General
Why’s she gonna die

Dante
Alas, Miss Periwinkleis an unfortunate victim of the ignorant & mindless perescution innate in every human being – on this occasion it is being channel’d through the evil spirit that was Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General – ah… speak of the Devil

Enter Matthew Hopkins & some surly looking peasants

***

BURN THE WITCHES

Matthew Hopkins
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
Were draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making bad potions
& sellin’ em all around town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why give me the tag of a satanic hag
I’ve done nothing to you, I’ve done nothing to no one
You can blacken my name, you can cut me with shame
But I know im a holy woman

Peasants
Down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin it all from the crown

 

Matthew Hopkins
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& spendin it all round the town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why put me on trial, I’ve never been vile
All I’ve been is something different
I heal with with my herbs, I shpiel with the birds
What’s wrong with the world, I’m innocent

Peasants
Down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin it all from the crown

Matthew Hopkins
What we gonna do with her people

Peasants
BURN HER!!!!

Matthew Hopkins
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
they ar just a bunch of bitches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

General
I cannae watch this

Dante
I know, gruesome stuff eh?

General
It’s bloody barbaric

Dante
I’m glad you noticed…

General
Can we not do something to help

Dante
I’m afraid its against the rules
{Lucy starts screaming}
Its better I get you out of here rapido – I would like to show you the exact opposite of persecution

General
What’s that

Dante
It is love, my boy, love for your fellow man… its time we hit the Sixties, the west coast of America, at the geographical & chronological centre of the Summer of Love…

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


SCENE 4: San Francisco (1967)

A group of hippies are having a sunrise hippy jam lovefest – enter Dante & the General from the space-time coninuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
It all looks a bit Charlie Manson to me

Dante
No, that is LA, a different vibe completely, Hollywood & all that dodgy cocaine… this is San Francisco – Heights Ashbury, acid country

General
Far out man

Dante
Sarcasm might not qualify as a sin in the yes of our Heavenly Father, but it is definitely annoying – no more

General
Alright, alight, chillax

Dante
Chillax?

General
It means chilling out & relaxing at the same time

Dante
{writing in a notebook}
Hmm, I like that, chill-lax, an interesting & most quality kenning

***

DOWN ON THE BEACH

As the drums are speeding
Johnny bums the weed in
& a mums breast feedin’
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the vibes enhancing
Dave the raves gone trancin
Sally belly dancing
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress

As the seagulls swoopin
Larry loop the loopin
Uma hula hoopin
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Brotherman’s gone mental
Davey transcendental
It’s a party central
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

Jenny’s gone all jiggy
Johnnys such a hippy
Touch ya soul & dig it
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the sunlights creepin
All the birds are leapin
John the bongs gone sleepy
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

 

The summer of love is coming
I can hear the tribal drumming
I can see the rainbow changin
All the colours are rearranging
Love is the answer

& tho Jonny looks like he’s nappin
His foot start tappin
It feels like he’s still a dreaming
To this song
& when he stands up clappin
It makes us happy
It feels like we were the dreamers all along

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the sun risin’
Over the summer sea
& when the suns comin
Up to the fun drummin
This timeless fantasy
Has never felt so free

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the ships roll in
Across the summer sea
& when the boats come in
Up to the fun drummin
All of our friends can be
Part of the family

***

Dante
Now we’ve been Timewarpin’
Thro all the tides of time
I hope some sense sinks in
Enough to guide your mind

Present Past & future
Will foreever keep alive
Til we find the answers, do ya
Sense them,

General
O yes I can

Dante
Give me your hand my man

General
Dante I plan to survive

Dante
Look at how they all love each other – good music, good people, feee love – they are living together under the spell of social acceptance – everybody is equal in the eyes of a hippy

General
Everybody drinks the same water, right

Dante
Essato
{swigging from a bottle}
Or in this case some rather delicious tropical rum, I found it near the hippies

General
I thought we weren’t supposed to get involved

Dante
Booze is allowed
{swigging from the bottle}
Its good – want some

General
Alright, gizza swig
{swigging from the bottle}
So where next

Dante
We shall now be focussing on one of the most important virtues

General
What’s that

Dante
Lotalty, my boy, loyalty… its time we went to Texas

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

***

SCENE 5: The Alamo, 1836

Davy Crockett is in his bed, the Mexican assault on the Alamo is raging all around inside the fort – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

***

THE ALAMO

Davy Crockett
Ay-ee-ya-yi-ee-yi-ee-yi-ee-yai
This is mine, this aint yours,
Theres one thing u should know
I’m a Texan, if ya Mexican
Ya gonna die in the Alamo

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a bowie knife
I’d lay down my life
For the holy rodeo

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

 

I don’t give a damn if ya coming for me
Cos im getting off on the odds
I got a gun for you I got a gun for two
I’m gonna blow ya back to your gods

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the hounds & dogs

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

Well Im’ fighting for the Alamo
Maybe its my time to go
The bloodlust fills my appetite
& fortifies my will to fight

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the wild frontier

Im gonna try in the Alamo
Im gonna try for the Alamo
Im gonna die in the Alamo
Im gonna die for the Alamo

Enter Several Mexicans – Crockett shoots some, runs out of bullets & is bayoneted – exit Mexicans

Lying down in my gory guts
I’m gonna die here on my bed
But all around my last battleground
the enemys blood was shed

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
remember me when im dead

***

General
Wow – so thats Davy Crockett

Dante
Davy Crockett, si – this is the Alamo fortress – Texas 1836, just a couple of hundred brave souls are battling 10,000 Mexicans – but for them the end has almost come

General
Why bring me here, dude

Dante
I wanted to teach you about loyalty – of defending your ideals & your responsibility – all Humans are capable of such nobility, but all you seem interested in right now is getting, how you say, off your face, & playing a strange game with sticks & balls, which you seem to lose at an awful lot

General
I’m just having a bad run of luck pal

Dante
No matter, as long as you absorb into your psyche that, just as Davey Crockett died for Texas, so every man must defend the honour of his woman

General
Alright, alright, I get it

Dante
Aha! I see a little chink has appeared in your, how would you say it in your colloquial – ‘nobhead armour’– the Divine spirit was right, as always, your soul might be saveable yet

General
So where next, this is cool

Dante
This time, my boy, we’ll be shooting forwards to the future!!

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

 

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Timewarpin’: Scene 1b


PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 1b: The General’s flat

The General is tied half-naked to a chair / Shannon hovers over him / Brenda is not happy

Brenda
Is this for fuckin real

General
It’s not what it looks like darlin

Shannon
It’s exactly what it looks like, actually, & it was all going great til you turned up

Brenda
Who the fuck are you

Shannon
Who are you?

Brenda
I… am his girlfriend, ya little slut

Brenda
Get out of my house now

Shannon
It’s not your house tho’ is it… its Tristan’s… who, by the way, never said he had girlfriend

General
You never asked

Shannon
No worries – I don’t mind at all, I’m polyamorous…
{putting on her coat}
It’s been fun… PM me

Exit Shannon / Brenda goes to throw one of her sex toys at her

Brenda
& dont forget your…. what the fuck is that

General
It’s a psychedelic spunk monkey

Brenda
It’s a what

Exit Shannon

General
Look, it doesn’t matter what it is babe. I’m sorry

Brenda
Sorry, sorry! – I do hope that’s the understatement of the century

General
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course it is, I’m proper, proper sorry – I’m absolutely devastated

Brenda
What, devastated you got caught or devasted you didn’t get to finish your sordid little gimp session

General
You… me… us… I mean, I dont know… things just havent been right in a while now, have they?

Brenda
Maybe they haven’t… but most couples talk about their problems… not go off fuckin other people… you’ve totally minced my head… youve broken us

General
Nah baby doll – nothings unfixable… a bit of spiritual super glue & we’ll be alright, we’re just having a bit of a blip… all relationships have em, right, its natural… now if you’ll be a wee sweetheart & untie me, we can sort everything out

Brenda
Look, nobhead, you’ve made your bed, now sit in it

Exit Brenda

General
Brenda, come back, where ya going, ya cant just leave me here like this, BBRENNNDDDAAA… ah, bollox

Dante.jpg

The General tries to get his phone but it is too far away – enter Dante Alighieri clapping hands

Dante
Bra–vo – complimenti!

General
Who the fuck are you – & what the hell are ya wearing

Dante
My name is Dante, Dante Alighieri, I have been sent from Heaven

General
Yo freakoid! Get the fuck out of my house before I call the Fuzz

Dante
Could you tell me, please, just how are you going to do that

General
Look mate – if you’re gonna rob me, fine, but please dont take my X-box, I’m about to get to level seven – mi bird’s laptop is over there, take that instead, its worth loads

Dante
I am not here to rob you, I’m here to help you

General
You’re here to what

Dante
Help you

General
Well, you could make a start by untying me

Dante
Una momento… first, I would like to tell you about my mission

General
Go on

Dante
My boy, since yesterday evening, do you realise you have comitted all seven of the seven deadly sins

General
I did?

Dante
Si… the pride you show for your, lets admit it, shitty pool-playing

General
Oi! what ya on about

Dante
Your sloth-like refusal to look for a job, your lust for another woman, your gluttony for drugs & alcohol, your greed for Brenda’s money…

General
You’d better watch what you’re fuckin’ saying mate

Dante
Your anger…

General
So what if I did, whats it got to do with you anyway

Dante
Well – I’m just the middle man in the operation – God is a very busy deity you know, & simply does not have the time to attend to all the sinners in the world – but every now & again there comes a special case where the Supreme Being likes to get a little more… involved

General
What, there’s actually a God

Dante
Of course there is

General
Wh-wh-what’s he like

Dante
The Omiscient One has no gender – but possesses infinite wisdom & has sent me to give you guidance

General
Guidance, whaddayamean

Dante
{untieing the General}
I’m here to save your soul boy

General
Right, listen here pal, I don’t know what cuckoo-cloud you just fell off, but you’d better get out my house before I throw you out

Dante
{grabbing hold of the General}
Delighted dear boy

General
Get off me……

They are transported to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro

General
What the … how the f… where the hell are we

Dante
We are on top of Mount Kilimanjaro

General
Kilimanjaro – in Africa – wooah – it is as well – I came here with my family as a kid! What just happened

Dante
Lets say that the allmighty has invested certain powers in me

General
O man – I knew I shouldnt have had any of Shannon’s ketamine

Dante
Tristan, my boy, this is real – I have the ability to transfer your body & spirit across time

General
You can – where’s your zany machine then

Dante
I do not need one – we will be travelling on the metaphysical planes, my boy, just hold on to me tightly & we’ll arrive at our next destination

General
Wow – this is mental – this is really fuckin mental

Dante
It is a little out of the ordinary isn’t it, I must say I was quite amazed the first time it happened to me

General
O, Brenda, you got it so wrong girl, so, so wrong… my life’s going nowhere, she said, Im never gonna get anywhere, she said, well how about crossing the space-time continuum honey….


SCENE 3: The Space-Time Continuum

Dante & The General are travelling thro’ time

TIMEWARPIN

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
We’re gonna soar thro’ the annals of time
We’ll get some good stuff in
When we’ll be watching centurions
Crossing those rubicons
Drinking that true Trojan wine

General
We’re goin Timewarpin
& I might never be coming back home
We’ll get some good lovin
Down in Julius Ceasar’s
Or his son Augustus
Or crazy Caligula’s rome

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin’ thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of this divine & sentimental feelin

Dante
Were going tightropin’
On a ribbony rope tho’ the air
We’ll get some good dope in
In those palaces of all the
Glorious & gaudy
Parises of Baudelair

General
Were goin Timewarpin’
& I’m leavin somebody behind
She might be good lookin’
But shes getting me thinkin’
Her company’s bringin’
Those monkeys that swing in my mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ll see is history

Dante
Shatter’d into pieces
Speaking to this species
As if Oddysean song

Tristan
Some sentimental feelin’

Dante
Time, time, Time x2
Is always goin in circles
Time, time Time x2

General
But nobody knows this for certain

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
Thro the chronicles of human kind
& from the mess you’re in
We shall dig out the man in your mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of the divine

Dante
Y’gotta rise your soul into a
Higher calling
Like a flyer fallin
We’ll be fireballin’

Dante
Once the day is done
Ya get one life no other one
Should never have to cast aside
Those dreams we had when we felt so alive

Hey boy hold on tight
Were like a symbiotic satellite
Goin up high with the pegasi
Beyond the ken of all your sciences

General
Alright I’m squeezing tight
But I’ve never been the bad type in my life
But if ya think that I need to try
A little harder then friend lets do this

Dante
We’re born, & then we die
Across the short chiasmic gulf of life
One should learn to quantify
Our celebrations & alliances

Hold on we wont be long
We gotta do that timewarp to the song
So we can work out whats right & wrong
Thro’ all our exits & our entrances

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Timewarpin’: Intro – Scene 1a


PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


INTRO

& so its time to say hello
I hope that you’ll enjoy the show
Gather round into the sound
But not if youve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin straight from the hip
So come on get a grip
Of the song as it slips from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our laud us at our play


SCENE 1: The General’s Flat

The General is at home playing his X-Box Live (italics for when he’s shouting at the screen) / Enter Brenda

Brenda
Alright babe… I said alright babe

General
Are you taking the piss, are you actually taking the piss
Hey honey – how was work

Brenda
As lousy as ever, I’m absolutely knackered, I can’t believe I’ve got to go out again in an hour – I really dont know how long I can keep this up for Larry

General
I’ve made you ya tea by the way

Brenda
O darlin’, – what is it, im starving

General
There’s a pot noodle & a wagon wheel on the side

Brenda
A pot noodle!?

General
It’s a Bombay Badboy – its yer favorite

Brenda
Thanks

General
You couldnt make us a cup of tea while the kettles on, could ya
They’re down there, behind that building, can’t you see them ya muppet

Brenda begins to make the tea / pot noodle

Brenda
Have you had any luck today

General
Nah, we still cant get past level six

Brenda
Not on ya stupid wank-box, I meant about getting a job

General
But babe – its Saturday

Brenda
I know its a fucking Saturday – its my double shift day – I’ve just done a morning down LIdl & now I’ve got 5 minutes to get changed & get down the chippy for seven hours – it was easier being a busker – you havent even washed up, you said you’d do it

General
Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it tonight — O baby

Brenda
Yeah

General
You couldnt lend us forty quid could ya

Brenda
Forty quid! How ya gonna pay me back

General
Its my giro on Monday

Brenda
What do you want it for

General
There’s a tournament on tonight down Diane’s Pool Hall

Brenda
It’s been 3 months since you won any money at pool

General
Exactly, my looks bound to change sooner or later right
Get in there, yes, come on, quality control!

Brenda
So basically, I’m out earning money while you’re blowing it on pool & beer –

General
Its an investment babe – mate
What are you doing, keep up, fer fucks sake
Do you not love me anymore

Brenda
Less & less each day, mate

***

BIG FAT DREAMER

While singing Brenda makes pot noodle, gets changed, makes Larry his tea, puts forty quid on the table

Ya just a big fat dreamer sat on ya ass all day
Stuck on ya couch that is where ya gonna stay
Ya just a big fat dreamer wastin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies
Don’t let life pass ya by
Just get on top & say goodbye
To your nice settee

Ya just a big time dreamer addicted to Home & Away
Smoking big fat reefers chained to a rolling tray
Ya just a big time dreamer dreamin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies…

Where you can take yer girl & maybe get a little action
Don’t let life pass ya by Just get on top & sacrifice
Ya really nice settee I know its nice & comfy
But turn off MTV & see how things could be
Why don’t ya take a stroll in the early morning
Sail a boat to a Spanish island
Join a book club, cook some good grub
Change ya ways & range ya style
Cos ya the best boy I’ve ever fell for
Now ya more of a bedtime stranger
This whole life that weve dreamt & planned for
Is now cursed with a certain danger
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away….

 

***

General
What was all that about – is it evil week or summat?

Brenda
Prick!!

Brenda storms out

***

MODERN MAN

General
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Well I’ve bin cruising with the cool crew to the music in our minds
We’ve bin wastin all our money on a marathon of lines
We’ve been foolin with the floozies & the ladies of the night
& we all get fuckin wasted cos it makes us feel alright

Who’d wanna be a workin man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed-up money maker
Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off spendin life on the dole

Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Enter Shannon who strips The General & ties him to a chair

It was a bad day for a hangover it was a Satday afternoon
Well my mistress came on over & she was synched up to the moon
{enter Brenda}
& then my girlfriend finished work early quite unexpectedly
& she found my mistress in her bed doing fucked up things to me

Who’d wanna be a modern man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed up money maker
Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off spendin life on the dole
I’d be better off playing rock & roll

Who are ya foolin x 4


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

THE PEOPLE’S FRINGE: Edinburgh 2020

IMG_20190805_094025.jpg


August 7th-23rd


After much soul-searching & debate, the Mumble Team have decided that they will be launching a Fringe programme this August if the current climate of social distancing has evaporated. We will also be supplying free tickets for NHS workers as a way of saying thank-you. The Fringe just needs to happen, & with the ethos being one of Open Access, The Mumble are prepared to step up to the plate & keep the Fringe flag flying high.

IMG_20190804_233147.jpg

THE PEOPLE’S FRINGE is a chance to get back to the roots, to 1947 at the start of it all before it became the corporate behemoth of 2019. A certain quote has been banded around the media recently from theatre director Gerard Slevin, who argued in 1961, when the event was less than 15 years old & already starting to swell in size, it would be, “much better if only ten halls were licensed”.

IMG_20190803_203950.jpg

So, that is just what The Mumble will be curating this August; ten venues, each dedicated to one of the art forms, & sponsored by Mumble Theatre, Mumble Comedy, Mumble Cirque & others. Our Mumble Words venue will step into the spheres of the Book Festival. Being based in Edinburgh all year round, we are perfectly placed to make it all happen, & its kind of duty to do so, a fringe for the people, THE PEOPLE’S FRINGE.

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The Coronavirus may be assaulting the body, but the spirit of the Fringe is immune, & when all gets back to normal – as it surely will -, then the world will once more be able to find cheer, inspiration, hope & solace in an Edinburgh summer festival for the arts.