No Nay Never: Scene 3


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 3: Leith Walk

Outside a kebab shop – enter The Stags; Peanut is dressed as a pig, Barry is dressed as the Fonz & Mojo is dressed as a farmer


TRUE LEGENDS

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask no questions, tell no lies
We are the best ones to energize… your lives
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the morning lights

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask your consience if its OK
To let your Mojo come out & play
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the day delights

Peanut, Mojo, Barry
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)


Mojo
Wow, that was a reyt night

Peanut
& a brilliant weekend

Barry
Reyt, I’m hungry,

Mojo
Me too I’m starving

Peanut
I could eat summat

Barry
Let’s go in here then – who wants what, I’ll get ‘em

Mojo
I’ll have a donner kebab, please, no mint sauce

Peanut
Me ‘n’ all – with some chips

Barry
I’ll have a kebab too

Mojo
Get us one of them deep fried mars bars will you – when in Rome & all that

Barry enters the kebab shop

Peanut
What was that you order’d

Mojo
A deep fried mars bar

Peanut
That sounds weird – will it not just melt

Mojo
I never thought about that – I bloody hope not

Peanut
If its owt like one of them stornaway black puddings we had this morning its gonna taste ‘orrible

Mojo
I eat one of them black puddings you get off Burnley market right now

Peanut
Me n’all – I mean Edinburgh’s alright, but its not Burnley is it

Mojo
I know what you mean – but I’m glad we came to Leith – I feel reyt at home – its like Burnley with seagulls

Peanut
O Burn-e-ley

Mojo
O Burn-e-ley

Peanut
Is wonderful

Mojo
Is wonderful

Peanut & Mojo
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
Its full of tits, fannies & Clarets
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}

Enter Billy

Billy
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
Its full of daft, six-finger’d Dingles
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit

Mojo
What the fuck

Peanut
Where are you from

Billy
I’m from Blackburn lads

Peanut
Euugh get away from him, hes got nits

Billy
Fuck off

Mojo
What are you doing up here

Billy
I work here don’t I

Mojo
Look pal, down there were sworn enemies, but this side of the border us Lancastrians need to stick together alright

Billy
I can deal with that… whats your names?

Mojo
I’m Mojo, this is Peanut

Peanut
& you

Billy
Billy

Peanut
Billy! Billy no mates more like – why you on your own

Billy
I’ve never quite fitted in up here – I can never understand what them Scots are saying – its just noises

Peanut
I know exactly what you mean

Billy
Are you boys on a stag-do or summat

Mojo
Yeah, Baz, the groom, he’s in there just now, getting some kebabs

Peanut
Wooah! Lads

Enter the Hens


HIGHER LICENSE

Lily
She’s been to Edinburgh
Shes got her sisters with her
They’re coming back from town
Making mens’ eyes move around

Brenda
Shes got no cross to bear
Shes gorgeous as her hair
Shines like a neon light
Glittering from a sattelite

India
She’s mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Brenda, India & Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill

City
We’ve come up from the Shore
Where men say more & more
I’ve got the whitest teeth
They’ve ever seen in Leith

Mojo, Billy & Peanut
& as the girls swept past
We stood their flabberghasted
Each like a star to me
Emitting that cosmic energy

City
We’re mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Mojo, Billy, Peanut, Brenda, India, Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill


Enter Barry

Barry
Yo lads, don’t even do gravy in Scotland – ooo owdo girls

Lily, City, Brenda & India
Hello

Mojo
Are you a Hen Party

India
We are

Brenda
Where you from – I love your accent

Peanut
Burnley

Billy
& Blackburn

Peanut
Shut up, you’re lowering the tone

Barry
{to Billy}
Who the fuck are you?

Peanut
He’s reyt, Barry, he’s our new best mate

Barry
But he’s from Blackburn

City
So, you’re on a stag do, boys?

Mojo
We are – Barry’s getting married next week

City
Hello Barry, I’m Fecliity – I’m getting married too

Barry
He’s a lucky man whoever he is

Brenda
Oo, a charmer

Mojo
So what are you girls up to

Lily
We’re catching a night bus to Portobello – theres’ a fancy dress party on at our mates

India
We’re already dressed

City
Why don’t you come along

Mojo
Real do

Lily
Ooo, look there’s an N26 coming – quick girls, we’ll just make it

Exit Brenda, India & Lily running

City
Well, are you coming or what

Peanut
But what about the kebabs

Mojo
Fuck the kebabs – lets follow these

Billy
Can I come

Peanut
Yeah – there’s four them, so makes sense

City
Yeah, hurry up – its pulling in

Exit City & the Stags


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Alex Farrow: Philosophy A-Level

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Laughing Horse @ Cabaret Voltaire
Aug 20-25 (12:15)

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Laughs: three-stars.png Room:five-stars 


Alex ‘Underscore’ Farrow was a philosophy teacher, is now a stand-up comedian. But like many extremely intelligent people caught in the education system, he hasn’t quite managed to break free of school & schooling – its the chief source of his material. ‘Philosophy A-Level‘ replicates something of the classroom experience, one of those informal ones with your cool teacher, where laughter is the lavish key to learning, using humor to enhance the otherwise strict methodologies of education. His show is only sometimes about Philosophy – which seems quite the magic word, as he’s frequently been getting full houses. It is rather like the phrase in Byron’s Don Juan, in which ‘A lady of a`certain age’, can be transmorphed into ‘People of a certain brains…’

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There is an element in the public sphere which takes a more cerebral attitude to life, but also enjoy their comedy. I found myself sitting among a swelling portion of them, all of whom were in relative raptures to hear such a sagacious comedian. As a neutral reviewer, I have to say Farrow’s show will not be appreciated by everyone, its not universal at all, rather like a bouquet music festival in the Home Counties. I mean, hearing the phrase ‘metaphysical transubstantiation’ & extracts from the supersexy Bible poem, ‘The Song of Songs’ is not your average Fringegoer’s fare. Fortunately, Alex openly splays his subject matter across the title, forming a natural deterrant for those wishing they had read more in life while everyone else in the room is in hysterics.

If you are not laughing, you will be learning, let’s go! Alex Farrow

In the Cabaret Voltaire, in the Long Room room from 12.15 PM, those hysterics verge upon borderline adoration. To spend fifty minutes with the playful Farrow & his numerous gifts is to experience an unpretentious leader, a charismatic comedian that will stick like gold in the brain for a long time to come, on more than one level. The disclaimer being you really do need to know what he’s going on about first. If you don’t, you’ll be watching the clock for the bell to ring for recess.

Damian Beeson Bullen

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Myra Dubois: Dead Funny

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Underbelly, Bristo Square
Aug 6-11, 13-25 (15:55)


Divine got to The Underbelly just in time, having picked up my tickets for this fabulous Femme Fatale – I was breaking out into quite a sweat as I didn’t want to miss this one. The alternative title of Ms Dubois performance, Morbid Drag Queen had been rattling around my head all morning. As subject matters go, presenting her own funeral as a show is quite something. The essence of Myra’s Dead Funny is based on her attending previous funerals, which had left this Yorkshire Drag Auntie feeling there was something lacking in the send-offs she had experienced. I must say this did not rank highly on the Divine appeal factor, and I was half-expecting this to be an ill-attended performance. I was to be mistaken, as the queue to the Buttercup stretched far and long. Myra Dubois is something of a celebrity in her native Yorkshire and her reputation had ensured a packed house.

A parody of the Death card from the ancient Tarot, Ms Dubois came across as everyone’s favourite suicidal Auntie. Caring soothsayer and hexing dark witch all rolled into one. With bundles of audience participation – a genuine therapy session for all concerned – she invited us to witness her demise at the end of the performance. Genuinely funny, with a twist in the tale that I refuse to reveal as a spoiler. Myra possesses, dark humor most definitely, but her audience were in hysterics and her takes on modern classic songs such as Why? by Annie Lennox, offered a full chorus sing-a-long. This was a brilliant performance, if not a little disturbing, & not one for the recently bereaved.

Mark ‘Divine’ Calvert

five-stars

James Barr: Thirst Trap

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Underbelly, White Belly
  August 5-11, 13-25 (17:20)

Material: three-stars.png  Delivery: four-stars.png  Laughs: three-stars.png 


Within the first 5 minutes of James Barr’s show I find myself wondering how he’s managed to stay single for this long. Despite wearing a man-sized avocado outfit, he nimbly Two-Steps with audience members in breezy, off-the-cuff chit chat as he introduces the show. He has been single for too long, and has decided to come to the Edinburgh Fringe to Tinder style ‘Right Swipe’ members of the audience he thinks are cute and invite them for an on stage speed date. The accompanying lightly tragic explanation for doing so in an avocado outfit is both funny and personally engaging, and this buys him all the goodwill he requires to launch into the first of the interactive date sessions.

The first audience member plucked from obscurity to take a shot at the top prize of becoming Barr’s Beau, is Jake. To the obvious delight of both James, and the audience, it transpires that Jake is a horse trainer. It’s at this point that James’ talents really shine. Rather than launching into a stream of cheap, obvious, gags he allows the audience to laugh itself out, then coyly inquires from under dipped beam, batting, eyelashes “So what does that involve?”
“Well, you just ride them till they’re tired out.” Comes the reply, and the audience go wild again. This effortless charm kept me deeply engaged throughout the whole performance.

The scripted material was somewhat more hit and miss. During the middle section James finally explains to us that a ‘Thirst Trap’ is “A sexy guy who looks for attention by posting semi naked pictures of themselves doing banal things”, and this provides some classic ‘caption competition’ style jokes. I’ll leave to your own imagination what it was that the guy who’d drawn the Eiffel Tower on his abs claimed he was trying to raise awareness of. A skit about finding the voice on a Mindfulness App uncontrollably arousing is less well received, like a slightly shoddily put together Cassetteboy remix of ‘Tony Robbins’ reading soft porn. It does have a cute, if tacky, visceral finish though.

Even though some of the scripted sections felt like fillers, there are a number of fine one-liners throughout, and it’s the time spent with James in the company of his dates, and his excellent audience work, which makes this show a perfect late afternoon palate cleanser of charm and whimsy.

Ewan Law

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Sasha Ellen: No Man’s Land

Just The Tonic @ The Caves
Aug 2-12 (14:10)

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As her twenties have trundled by, Sasha Ellen, a self-confess’d product of teen pregnancy & the English Literature pyramid scheme – has found out that she has undoubted ability to make people laugh, a rare gift which she is sharing with us at the Fringe. Her show is in two halves, the first a more conventional stand-up routine which introduces us to her personality, her history, her horny cousin, etc., & there is meat & magic in her act. She is like a cool glass of prosseco under a blonde summer’s day, whose air bubbles of comedy float to the surface & pop with a crisp, refreshing quality. There really was never a dull in second in this section, which possesses the wonderful line ‘you don’t know your family til you’ve seen every one of your uncles in knee-high leather boots.’

As is widely acknowledged, comedy is tragedy plus time. Last year enough time has finally passed for me to tell the stupidly long story at a party and realise that it was a weird, unique and hilarious thing to have happened.
Read the full interview

Part two is a different affair completely, in which Sasha tells us the story of the time she & her boyfriend brought the small Channel Island of Herm to a halt. It is a fun story, yes, its just that Sasha hasn’t quite got the storytellers ‘performers’ art off to a tee yet, with all its secret nuances of decoration & embellishments. There are some great moments in the tale, still, I loved the fact she’d actually researched Hermean happenings & discovered that in World War 2 a German soldier had caused unrest among the nuns, & afternoon tea had been cancelled. As a complete show, however, Sasha Ellen is a treat. Its nice for her to invite us all within her flourishing sense of humour & its the perfect put-your-feet-up, laugh & listen show after lunch

Damo

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Susie Steed: Money Walks – The Unofficial Story of Capitalism

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Heroes @ Bob’s BlundaBus
Aug 25-27 (15:00)

‘What a wonderful way to spend my last afternoon at the Fringe,‘ thought I as Ms. Susie Steed was leading myself & a few other fans of either her, or her subject, through the streets of Edinburgh, in the rare unwindy sunshine that occasionally strikes the city. Her subject is finance, & the history of money, for Susie is an economist & the imperial & financial city that is the Scottish capital seems the perfect place to conduct her ‘Money Walks’ comedy lectures.

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IMG_20170824_151554981.jpgAs we are led place to pretty place, we become steeped in the iconography of money, especially that of Britannia, who has been transmorphed over the ages from coin to coin & onto the notes of our island, whose helmet Susie dons as she leads us about the place, her umbrella being waved about as if she were some holiday rep in Benidorm. Most of what she says is interesting, rather than funny, but she is a the master of digress & can burst the semi-seriousness in a Thalian flash. Alas, she is a little too soft-spoken to compete with the street-sounds of the Scottish capital, but apparently Susie will be returning next year with the same or a similar project, & will have her tweaks ready to turn.

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IMG_20170824_160709061.jpgDespite the audible quietness, Susie’s message, intelligence, storytelling & humour simply boom out into the aether; spending an hour in her company is a charming alternative to doing just about anything else during the Fringe. ‘We’re not here to talk about the dog,’ she tells us as we enter Greyfriars Kirk, – one of the quieter spots on the tour – ‘we’re here to talk about insurance,’ & by the end of the walk, I noticed just about everyone involved was waiting politely to speak to Susie, so cleverly – & wittily – had she piqued us all.

Reviewer : Damo

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