No Nay Never: Scene 3


PART 5 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


Scene 3: Leith Walk

Outside a kebab shop – enter The Stags; Peanut is dressed as a pig, Barry is dressed as the Fonz & Mojo is dressed as a farmer


TRUE LEGENDS

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask no questions, tell no lies
We are the best ones to energize… your lives
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the morning lights

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask your consience if its OK
To let your Mojo come out & play
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the day delights

Peanut, Mojo, Barry
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)


Mojo
Wow, that was a reyt night

Peanut
& a brilliant weekend

Barry
Reyt, I’m hungry,

Mojo
Me too I’m starving

Peanut
I could eat summat

Barry
Let’s go in here then – who wants what, I’ll get ‘em

Mojo
I’ll have a donner kebab, please, no mint sauce

Peanut
Me ‘n’ all – with some chips

Barry
I’ll have a kebab too

Mojo
Get us one of them deep fried mars bars will you – when in Rome & all that

Barry enters the kebab shop

Peanut
What was that you order’d

Mojo
A deep fried mars bar

Peanut
That sounds weird – will it not just melt

Mojo
I never thought about that – I bloody hope not

Peanut
If its owt like one of them stornaway black puddings we had this morning its gonna taste ‘orrible

Mojo
I eat one of them black puddings you get off Burnley market right now

Peanut
Me n’all – I mean Edinburgh’s alright, but its not Burnley is it

Mojo
I know what you mean – but I’m glad we came to Leith – I feel reyt at home – its like Burnley with seagulls

Peanut
O Burn-e-ley

Mojo
O Burn-e-ley

Peanut
Is wonderful

Mojo
Is wonderful

Peanut & Mojo
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
Its full of tits, fannies & Clarets
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}

Enter Billy

Billy
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
Its full of daft, six-finger’d Dingles
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit

Mojo
What the fuck

Peanut
Where are you from

Billy
I’m from Blackburn lads

Peanut
Euugh get away from him, hes got nits

Billy
Fuck off

Mojo
What are you doing up here

Billy
I work here don’t I

Mojo
Look pal, down there were sworn enemies, but this side of the border us Lancastrians need to stick together alright

Billy
I can deal with that… whats your names?

Mojo
I’m Mojo, this is Peanut

Peanut
& you

Billy
Billy

Peanut
Billy! Billy no mates more like – why you on your own

Billy
I’ve never quite fitted in up here – I can never understand what them Scots are saying – its just noises

Peanut
I know exactly what you mean

Billy
Are you boys on a stag-do or summat

Mojo
Yeah, Baz, the groom, he’s in there just now, getting some kebabs

Peanut
Wooah! Lads

Enter the Hens


HIGHER LICENSE

Lily
She’s been to Edinburgh
Shes got her sisters with her
They’re coming back from town
Making mens’ eyes move around

Brenda
Shes got no cross to bear
Shes gorgeous as her hair
Shines like a neon light
Glittering from a sattelite

India
She’s mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Brenda, India & Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill

City
We’ve come up from the Shore
Where men say more & more
I’ve got the whitest teeth
They’ve ever seen in Leith

Mojo, Billy & Peanut
& as the girls swept past
We stood their flabberghasted
Each like a star to me
Emitting that cosmic energy

City
We’re mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Mojo, Billy, Peanut, Brenda, India, Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got my higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill


Enter Barry

Barry
Yo lads, don’t even do gravy in Scotland – ooo owdo girls

Lily, City, Brenda & India
Hello

Mojo
Are you a Hen Party

India
We are

Brenda
Where you from – I love your accent

Peanut
Burnley

Billy
& Blackburn

Peanut
Shut up, you’re lowering the tone

Barry
{to Billy}
Who the fuck are you?

Peanut
He’s reyt, Barry, he’s our new best mate

Barry
But he’s from Blackburn

City
So, you’re on a stag do, boys?

Mojo
We are – Barry’s getting married next week

City
Hello Barry, I’m Fecliity – I’m getting married too

Barry
He’s a lucky man whoever he is

Brenda
Oo, a charmer

Mojo
So what are you girls up to

Lily
We’re catching a night bus to Portobello – theres’ a fancy dress party on at our mates

India
We’re already dressed

City
Why don’t you come along

Mojo
Real do

Lily
Ooo, look there’s an N26 coming – quick girls, we’ll just make it

Exit Brenda, India & Lily running

City
Well, are you coming or what

Peanut
But what about the kebabs

Mojo
Fuck the kebabs – lets follow these

Billy
Can I come

Peanut
Yeah – there’s four them, so makes sense

City
Yeah, hurry up – its pulling in

Exit City & the Stags


THE CONCHORDIA FOLIO

“Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock that Shakespeare
Off his feffin’ perch!”

Interview: Damian Beeson Bullen

Alex Farrow: Philosophy A-Level

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Laughing Horse @ Cabaret Voltaire
Aug 20-25 (12:15)

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Laughs: three-stars.png Room:five-stars 


Alex ‘Underscore’ Farrow was a philosophy teacher, is now a stand-up comedian. But like many extremely intelligent people caught in the education system, he hasn’t quite managed to break free of school & schooling – its the chief source of his material. ‘Philosophy A-Level‘ replicates something of the classroom experience, one of those informal ones with your cool teacher, where laughter is the lavish key to learning, using humor to enhance the otherwise strict methodologies of education. His show is only sometimes about Philosophy – which seems quite the magic word, as he’s frequently been getting full houses. It is rather like the phrase in Byron’s Don Juan, in which ‘A lady of a`certain age’, can be transmorphed into ‘People of a certain brains…’

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There is an element in the public sphere which takes a more cerebral attitude to life, but also enjoy their comedy. I found myself sitting among a swelling portion of them, all of whom were in relative raptures to hear such a sagacious comedian. As a neutral reviewer, I have to say Farrow’s show will not be appreciated by everyone, its not universal at all, rather like a bouquet music festival in the Home Counties. I mean, hearing the phrase ‘metaphysical transubstantiation’ & extracts from the supersexy Bible poem, ‘The Song of Songs’ is not your average Fringegoer’s fare. Fortunately, Alex openly splays his subject matter across the title, forming a natural deterrant for those wishing they had read more in life while everyone else in the room is in hysterics.

If you are not laughing, you will be learning, let’s go! Alex Farrow

In the Cabaret Voltaire, in the Long Room room from 12.15 PM, those hysterics verge upon borderline adoration. To spend fifty minutes with the playful Farrow & his numerous gifts is to experience an unpretentious leader, a charismatic comedian that will stick like gold in the brain for a long time to come, on more than one level. The disclaimer being you really do need to know what he’s going on about first. If you don’t, you’ll be watching the clock for the bell to ring for recess.

Damian Beeson Bullen

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Myra Dubois: Dead Funny

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Underbelly, Bristo Square
Aug 6-11, 13-25 (15:55)


Divine got to The Underbelly just in time, having picked up my tickets for this fabulous Femme Fatale – I was breaking out into quite a sweat as I didn’t want to miss this one. The alternative title of Ms Dubois performance, Morbid Drag Queen had been rattling around my head all morning. As subject matters go, presenting her own funeral as a show is quite something. The essence of Myra’s Dead Funny is based on her attending previous funerals, which had left this Yorkshire Drag Auntie feeling there was something lacking in the send-offs she had experienced. I must say this did not rank highly on the Divine appeal factor, and I was half-expecting this to be an ill-attended performance. I was to be mistaken, as the queue to the Buttercup stretched far and long. Myra Dubois is something of a celebrity in her native Yorkshire and her reputation had ensured a packed house.

A parody of the Death card from the ancient Tarot, Ms Dubois came across as everyone’s favourite suicidal Auntie. Caring soothsayer and hexing dark witch all rolled into one. With bundles of audience participation – a genuine therapy session for all concerned – she invited us to witness her demise at the end of the performance. Genuinely funny, with a twist in the tale that I refuse to reveal as a spoiler. Myra possesses, dark humor most definitely, but her audience were in hysterics and her takes on modern classic songs such as Why? by Annie Lennox, offered a full chorus sing-a-long. This was a brilliant performance, if not a little disturbing, & not one for the recently bereaved.

Mark ‘Divine’ Calvert

five-stars

James Barr: Thirst Trap

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Underbelly, White Belly
  August 5-11, 13-25 (17:20)

Material: three-stars.png  Delivery: four-stars.png  Laughs: three-stars.png 


Within the first 5 minutes of James Barr’s show I find myself wondering how he’s managed to stay single for this long. Despite wearing a man-sized avocado outfit, he nimbly Two-Steps with audience members in breezy, off-the-cuff chit chat as he introduces the show. He has been single for too long, and has decided to come to the Edinburgh Fringe to Tinder style ‘Right Swipe’ members of the audience he thinks are cute and invite them for an on stage speed date. The accompanying lightly tragic explanation for doing so in an avocado outfit is both funny and personally engaging, and this buys him all the goodwill he requires to launch into the first of the interactive date sessions.

The first audience member plucked from obscurity to take a shot at the top prize of becoming Barr’s Beau, is Jake. To the obvious delight of both James, and the audience, it transpires that Jake is a horse trainer. It’s at this point that James’ talents really shine. Rather than launching into a stream of cheap, obvious, gags he allows the audience to laugh itself out, then coyly inquires from under dipped beam, batting, eyelashes “So what does that involve?”
“Well, you just ride them till they’re tired out.” Comes the reply, and the audience go wild again. This effortless charm kept me deeply engaged throughout the whole performance.

The scripted material was somewhat more hit and miss. During the middle section James finally explains to us that a ‘Thirst Trap’ is “A sexy guy who looks for attention by posting semi naked pictures of themselves doing banal things”, and this provides some classic ‘caption competition’ style jokes. I’ll leave to your own imagination what it was that the guy who’d drawn the Eiffel Tower on his abs claimed he was trying to raise awareness of. A skit about finding the voice on a Mindfulness App uncontrollably arousing is less well received, like a slightly shoddily put together Cassetteboy remix of ‘Tony Robbins’ reading soft porn. It does have a cute, if tacky, visceral finish though.

Even though some of the scripted sections felt like fillers, there are a number of fine one-liners throughout, and it’s the time spent with James in the company of his dates, and his excellent audience work, which makes this show a perfect late afternoon palate cleanser of charm and whimsy.

Ewan Law

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Sasha Ellen: No Man’s Land

Just The Tonic @ The Caves
Aug 2-12 (14:10)

Material: four-stars.png Delivery: four-stars.png Laughs: three-stars.png


As her twenties have trundled by, Sasha Ellen, a self-confess’d product of teen pregnancy & the English Literature pyramid scheme – has found out that she has undoubted ability to make people laugh, a rare gift which she is sharing with us at the Fringe. Her show is in two halves, the first a more conventional stand-up routine which introduces us to her personality, her history, her horny cousin, etc., & there is meat & magic in her act. She is like a cool glass of prosseco under a blonde summer’s day, whose air bubbles of comedy float to the surface & pop with a crisp, refreshing quality. There really was never a dull in second in this section, which possesses the wonderful line ‘you don’t know your family til you’ve seen every one of your uncles in knee-high leather boots.’

As is widely acknowledged, comedy is tragedy plus time. Last year enough time has finally passed for me to tell the stupidly long story at a party and realise that it was a weird, unique and hilarious thing to have happened.
Read the full interview

Part two is a different affair completely, in which Sasha tells us the story of the time she & her boyfriend brought the small Channel Island of Herm to a halt. It is a fun story, yes, its just that Sasha hasn’t quite got the storytellers ‘performers’ art off to a tee yet, with all its secret nuances of decoration & embellishments. There are some great moments in the tale, still, I loved the fact she’d actually researched Hermean happenings & discovered that in World War 2 a German soldier had caused unrest among the nuns, & afternoon tea had been cancelled. As a complete show, however, Sasha Ellen is a treat. Its nice for her to invite us all within her flourishing sense of humour & its the perfect put-your-feet-up, laugh & listen show after lunch

Damo

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Susie Steed: Money Walks – The Unofficial Story of Capitalism

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Heroes @ Bob’s BlundaBus
Aug 25-27 (15:00)

‘What a wonderful way to spend my last afternoon at the Fringe,‘ thought I as Ms. Susie Steed was leading myself & a few other fans of either her, or her subject, through the streets of Edinburgh, in the rare unwindy sunshine that occasionally strikes the city. Her subject is finance, & the history of money, for Susie is an economist & the imperial & financial city that is the Scottish capital seems the perfect place to conduct her ‘Money Walks’ comedy lectures.

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IMG_20170824_151554981.jpgAs we are led place to pretty place, we become steeped in the iconography of money, especially that of Britannia, who has been transmorphed over the ages from coin to coin & onto the notes of our island, whose helmet Susie dons as she leads us about the place, her umbrella being waved about as if she were some holiday rep in Benidorm. Most of what she says is interesting, rather than funny, but she is a the master of digress & can burst the semi-seriousness in a Thalian flash. Alas, she is a little too soft-spoken to compete with the street-sounds of the Scottish capital, but apparently Susie will be returning next year with the same or a similar project, & will have her tweaks ready to turn.

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IMG_20170824_160709061.jpgDespite the audible quietness, Susie’s message, intelligence, storytelling & humour simply boom out into the aether; spending an hour in her company is a charming alternative to doing just about anything else during the Fringe. ‘We’re not here to talk about the dog,’ she tells us as we enter Greyfriars Kirk, – one of the quieter spots on the tour – ‘we’re here to talk about insurance,’ & by the end of the walk, I noticed just about everyone involved was waiting politely to speak to Susie, so cleverly – & wittily – had she piqued us all.

Reviewer : Damo

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Being HUEman Being

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Just The Tonic @ Caves
25th August

Material: four-stars.png  Delivery: four-stars.png  Laughs: four-stars.png

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Leaving the wonderful land of Oz for the competitive streets of Edinburgh’s Fringe, Luke Nowell brought his hilarious show, Being Hueman Being, for all our pleasure. With so much comedy at the Fringe this year, laughs have to be earned, and this show certainly does just that. Bouncing onto the stage like a 70s Space Hopper, dressed in an all-in-one grey & tight latex suit (with red shorts), the audience erupted. Being HUEman is a clever & funny take on what it means to be Human, and the many avenues we travel along to find perfection. Taking things back to the basics and using slap-stick comedy, Luke injects body and facial miming to elaborate his many characters, & with simple stage accessories he creates a world full of fun and humorous sketches. Through movement and gesture the show slides along with ease, delivering side splitting-moments of genius. Pulling the crowd into his imaginary world of art and using them like bate in a trap, he pounces like a Elephant in musk, knocking down everything in his way to get to the sacred place of love.

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Turning one member of the audience into a living sperm, they then proceed to chase an egg in a race to be the fertilizer king, a very human thing! Pouring from his suitcase were sketches about dating, boob size, men’s muscles, a woman’s need to look good and not forgetting the perfection of art. As Luke conducts us like an orchestra maestro, his character comedy acting is a breath of fresh air. Touching on our everyday hang-ups he gives you food for thought & a a feelgood experience which throws up hysterical moments using only bananas, balls, dolls and moustaches. Think of old school comedy capers, add in great acting with a twist of human nature, and you have Being HUEman’s cocktail of chuckles, gimmicks, tear-jerkers and howling laughter. Luke has devised a great comedy sketch show that is rare these days, and allows us to sit back have fun and to take stock of our lives. Who we are and what we become are strong messages throughout this excellent and brilliant show in every way.

Reviewed by Raymondo

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Tales from a Tampon

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Laughing Horse @ 48 Below
Aug 25-27 (20:45)

Material: four-stars.png  Delivery: four-stars.png  Laughs: three-stars.png

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At first glance, a comedian trussed up as a tampon seems like a gimmick, perhaps it is, but its one that really makes perfect sense. The woman behind the mask, Sarah Morgan-Paul, is actually here on a mission to teach us about the history of that ‘little cotton-bud,’ tho in the process manages to pull off some good ol’ fashioned northern humour as she does so. Sarah heralds from Leeds, where a blossoming comedy scene inspired her to quit her corporate job & follow her natural instincts – she is a performer & has the ability to see the comedy in life & also to translate it into laughs for a watching audience.

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The theme of her first Fringe show, then, is the tampon & the inner workings of the lady garden, although she does manage to slip in some conventional comedy here & there. In Sarah’s world, men have jingly-jangly bits, Skippy The Kangaroo is still fuckin’ hilarious & the magical properties of the female period are described as a ‘Menstrual Paul Daniels.‘ Yes, its all good, Sarah Morgan-Paul is smart & despite being dressed like a tampon, has got style, trust me! As she bounces & banters beautifully through her material we’re all on her side & loving the ride. Tales From A Tampon is a history lesson that is properly funny & you can’t just help falling for the cute little face that bobbles out from her sensational Tampon costume.

Reviewed by Damo

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ADRIENNE TRUSCOTTS : One Trick Pony

 

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@ the Hive (Niddry Street)
Aug 19/23/24/26 : The Hive (14.15)

Material: four-stars.png  Delivery: four-stars.png  Laughs: three-stars.png

Photography by Allison Michael Orenstein Art Direction by Signe Mae Olson
Photography by Allison Michael Orenstein Art Direction by Signe Mae Olson

Having trawled through the Fringe Festival Programme, this was one show that certainly jumped out at me, the mad but elegant Adrienne Truscotts: One Trick Pony Show (or Andy Kaufmann is a Feminist Preformance Artist and I”am a Comedian). From Linwood in Pennsylvania USA, Adrienne has brought her show to Edinburgh, but packing a light suitcase full of clothes seemed to be at the bottom of her list. Appearing for the first five minutes face down and butt naked on stage we are treated to an introduction from Snow Patrol. Yeee Haaa !!!! Bemused and bewildered it soon becomes apparent why Andy Kaufmann is her comedy hero. Rising slowly like a seed reaching for the sun, Adrienne soon blossoms into the wild flower of a comedian/storyteller that she is. With feminist tendancies and strong political views this show of pussy politics was sure to shock or thrill you. With so many serious topics rolled up and wrapped into a condom for our pleasure you would expect the worst, but Adrienne has done her research and delivers it in a way you can only applaud. Direct and in-your-face proves the best way to go with this show. In a recent interview with The Mumble, Adrienne told us about why she was bring One Trick back to the Fringe;

Well, I brought it here before. I really loved the show but it got really bad reviews – from everyone! And so I thought a lot about it and made it better and that feels like what a fringe should be about – the possibility of failure and improvement. It’s a better show now, so I guess I have to thank those harsh critics for that proper bashing I got last time!

Photography by Allison Michael Orenstein Art Direction by Signe Mae Olson
Photography by Allison Michael Orenstein Art Direction by Signe Mae Olson

The laughs were loud and continuous and with no let-up the show powers on. Breaking down so many barriers that keep us locked up in our mindful prisons, its a breath of fresh air to see a genuine piece of truthful and nutty comedy. Here is a woman that has a lot to say and by god does she say it; men, politics, women, wrestling, relationships, sex and more sex… indeed, sexual organs descrided like you have never heard them described before are all thrown into this mash up of fun and laughter. This is a hard-hitting show dressed up like a Sugar Coated Iceberg and is well crafted and delivered. Thought-provoking at times, & packed with interesting subject matter, Adsrienne teases and ticklesus from start to finish. Like a sexual assault on your senses, One Trick Pony strikes you like a blow from a baseball bat and knocks you out the park. Very effective and strong it unleashes many a hidden thought with only laughter following behind. Why so serious? Go see Adrienne and have a formal education in world domination. Explosive and exciting, this is a must see this summer…

Reviewed by Raymondo

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